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Old 12-31-2004, 06:12 PM   #1
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Post your favorite negative review...

Post your favorite negative review...of a musician, band, or cd that you actually like.

Here's one from me. This one always makes me laugh.

Quote:
NEW CONVERTS?
Still a Religion to Some, the Church Return
by Kathleen Wilson

The Church
w/Sea Ray

Mon March 22, Crocodile, 7 pm, $18.

It's ironic that the new record by Australian legends the Church is titled Forget Yourself. Because it seems they, of all bands, cannot follow that command. Since 1980 they've put out something like 18 albums and a few box sets. "Under the Milky Way," off 1988's Starfish, is probably their most memorable song, but many fans would agree that was their last great album. Before Starfish, however, came the gorgeous The Blurred Crusade, which featured the achingly pretty pop song "When You Were Mine."

Ultimately, the Church were atmospheric and neo-psychedelic in tone, making them favorites of even cult bands like Adorable. You can hear in their influences the Velvet Underground, the Blue Aeroplanes, Pink Floyd, and the Psychedelic Furs. And for some irritating reason, they're quite popular with the goths, and the all-encompassing insistence of ownership assumed by that faction always chaps my ass. But I digress.

The new Church album is slow as molasses and so very boring. Most of the songs are interchangeable, and if I had to pick a favorite, it would probably be the sentimental "I Kept Everything," or maybe "Lay Low." But if you're thinking Forget Yourself is the new soundtrack to some seductive sheet action, take the title as a warning. Maybe a 21-year-old would find it atmospheric, swirly, and sexy, but anyone who employs it at an older age is pretty desperate to get laid.

"Appalatia" [sic] is appalling, with lyrics like "Cloudy in my memory/like one long lonely candy/such a godly gift." What? The psychedelic bent gets a workout on "Nothing Seeker," which proclaims a commitment to bore the pants off one's significant other. At over seven minutes, "Summer" starts off soaring and full of ocean images, but the lyrics are punishing and dull, including some spoken word bullshit.

To be fair, the Church have lost many of their original members, including singer Steve Kilbey, guitarist Peter Koppes, and second guitarist Marty Wilson-Piper. But if you've ever been a fan, there's no choice, you'll be at this show.
I particularly love the lyrics she gets out of Appalatia (wrong, but much more amusing than the real ones), and that she's killed off poor Steve, Peter, and Marty! Not quite sure who's supposed to be still there... (In case you're wondering -- The Church goes through drummers kinda like Spinal Tap, but the rest are still there). * edited to add: Oh, oh and the "sheet action" HAHAHA!!! I don't know all that many people who use the Church's music to get laid...stoned, yeah, but laid? I think the only ones who ever used it to get laid were members of the band.

Anyway, I posted mine (well...there are actually many more Church bashing reviews), now get posting!
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Old 12-31-2004, 06:37 PM   #2
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Here's one of Madonna's "Ray of Light", my personal favourite of hers, by Mark Prindle (whose rude, crude style I rather enjoy)

3/10

"A lot of bigtime reviewers who should know a lot better have been calling this "the best album of Madonna's career" and "one of the finest albums of the year," but these people are fools. Please read this next line very carefully and take it to heart: NO CRITIC, INCLUDING LAMEASSES LIKE ME, ARE ANY MORE SUITED TO JUDGE A RECORD THAN YOU ARE. Trust me on this one. I went to school with plenty of music snobs whose taste totally SUCKED ASS, but that didn't stop them from running their mouths all the goddamned time. Presumably, these same deaf shit-loving mediocrities grew up to work for Spin and Rolling Stone, because every year it's the same goddamned thing -- average to slightly-interesting artists like Beck and The Chemical Brothers get tons and tons of press on the basis of what I personally consider to be incredibly pedestrian and predictable "'90s" records. Now don't go whining that I fear the "future" and am stuck in the past, because that's not true. What I'm whining about is that these oh-so-visionary "futurist" artists are applying tired early-90s sounds to nearly non-existent melodies, throwing in a little bit of simplistic "diversity," sort of rapping over it, and being hailed as brilliant. Which they just simply are NOT. And if you don't like the music for its own sake (which I DON'T), then do NOT be brainwashed into thinking that you're the fool and the critic is right. From my experience, the critic is usually very, very wrong - giving high marks to throwaway generic pop retreads like Hole and Garbage when there are SO many truly creative bands out there that aren't getting the major label support they deserve.

Now then, about Ray Of Light. It is EXACTLY what the ordinary everyday "critic" is looking for - "sincere, serious" lyrics oversung in a pretentious, emotional manner with "hip" '90s "electronic" sounds backing it up. But it SUCKS!!!! I have been a Madonna semi-fan for long enough to vehemently argue that this is one of the biggest pieces of shit she has ever come up with. First of all, did any of you notice that about half of the songs utilize the SAME EXACT ascending vocal melody? That sorrowful "I was in Evita and now I've learned the importance of love and selflessness through the experience of motherhood" melody? You know, the forgettable one backed up by NO RIFF WHATSOEVER??? Okay then. Secondly, did anybody notice that all of the songs are either very, very slow and lifeless ballads or "techno" songs driven by laughably dated "techno" beats that plant the entire CD square in 1992? And finally -- oh, finally -- these "serious, introspective" lyrics are just more teen-level saccharine shit. Sample lyric: "I traded fame for love/Without a second thought/It all became a silly game/Some things cannot be bought." I wrote better "poetry" when I was 15 and I'm a HIDEOUS poet. But what do you expect from critics? They loved the "mature" lyricism of Like A Prayer too. Me, I prefer a little fun and some actual melodies every once in awhile, rather than just a self-important ambient journey through the dark alleyways of no ideas.

So yeah, the album fucking blows, with the exception of maybe two songs. I apologize for all the quotation marks in this review, but HTML doesn't allow me to make those little bouncy finger "quote-unquote" motions.

Fucking HTML!!! Oh, how I long for the good old days of Tandys."
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Old 12-31-2004, 07:24 PM   #3
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I am not sure I have an all-time favourite negative review, but this is an old piece that always amuses:

"VERTICAL HORIZON - Everything you Want

The easiest way to describe this is as Matchbox Twenty without the songwriting ability or production value. Another addition to the ever-expanding every-man rock field, Vertical Horizon try to hide inherent blandness by adding a slightly rough edge. It doesn't work. Songs range from the utterly predictable to the plain bad."

(Juice Magazine Australia, September 2000)
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Old 12-31-2004, 09:37 PM   #4
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Pitchfork's review of U2's Best of 1990-2000 was hilarious.
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Old 12-31-2004, 09:52 PM   #5
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That one had me laughing -- even had a limerick! Hot damn!

And this bit "the spiritual When There Were Only Two Sets of Footprints, That's When the Rhythm Section Was Carrying Us " was great! You have to admit the reviewer got U2 penchant for really long song titles down.
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Old 01-01-2005, 10:42 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally posted by typhoon
Pitchfork's review of U2's Best of 1990-2000 was hilarious.
Bah, they hate U2
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Old 01-01-2005, 08:47 PM   #7
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No one has fun negative reviews of bands you like? Come on people!!!
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Old 01-01-2005, 08:50 PM   #8
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I like reading negative reviews of things I don't like.

"There's a reason why Dave Matthews and his music is not popular on our shores: it's shit."

That was a good one.
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Old 01-01-2005, 08:57 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally posted by yertle-the-turtle
I like reading negative reviews of things I don't like.

"There's a reason why Dave Matthews and his music is not popular on our shores: it's shit."

That was a good one.
The Allmusic.com review of Limp Bizkit's newer album is also hilariously accurate in its gobs of negativity.
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Old 01-01-2005, 09:03 PM   #10
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But that just so easy. A bad review of good music is so much harder to do well (which means be hilarious). Plus it shows that you as a fan of said band have a sense of humour...always a plus.
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Old 01-01-2005, 09:09 PM   #11
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do amazon reviewers count?

the kind of guys who capitalise album titles and make incessant references to 'the glory days', 'classic rock', 'zepplin (sic)', 'real instruments', 'pop shit' and the general awfulness of rap as a genre?
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Old 01-01-2005, 09:14 PM   #12
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Sure!
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Old 01-01-2005, 09:15 PM   #13
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I'll go hunt a few then!
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Old 01-01-2005, 09:24 PM   #14
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On 'OK Computer'...

Quote:
Radiohead sucks. The lead singer looks like a retard with his head bobbing around. Their music is boring too. You can tell how bad a band is when they are worshipped by rock critics and pseudo intellectuals who think they are on "the cutting edge of rock music" just because they like Rdaiohead. Stay away from Radiohead folks. They are BORING. BORING, BORING, BORING!!! I can't stress that word enough.

If you want to listen to something more entertaining than Radiohead, here's what to do: go turn on your TV. Change it to a channel with nothing on it. One of the channels with "snow" on it. Just turn that up and listen to it. Even that is more entertaining than this junk.
Quote:
This is boring crap, go buy Hendrix or Iron Maiden!
Quote:
This has got to be the most overrated albums of all time. The production is bad(you can hear the compression, and it's irritating), and the songs are a weak attempt to turn '70s classic rock into '90s alternative.
What really gets to me is how anyone could compare this album to Dark Side Of The Moon. DSOTM was a masterpiece, this, is a travesty, a sham, and a Mockery.. It's a Traveshamockery.
Quote:
Radiohead are the Pedro Martinez of music...simply unstoppable for that stretch in the '90s.
Thom...who's your daddy, eh? Actually that was a positive review, but it was funny.
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Old 01-01-2005, 11:06 PM   #15
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Sounds like U2fan2004! moonlights at Amazon. That dude sure 'rocks out' all over, doesn't he?

Don't worry, you won't know what I'm on about.
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