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Old 11-21-2007, 02:19 PM   #1
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Isn't It Time For Another Joke Thread

Good jokes, bad jokes, one liners, limericks.. I don't care. Make us laugh!
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Old 11-21-2007, 02:32 PM   #2
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Here's one my mom told me:


What did one blade of grass say to the other?

"Hey, get off my turf!"
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Old 11-21-2007, 02:45 PM   #3
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This one is long and slightly sac religious but worth it imo…




A priest is out fishing with a good friend when he feels a tug on his line. He struggles with the fish for several minutes before pulling in the rather large fish.

“Look at the size of that son of a bitch!” his friend exclaims.

“Don’t use such language!” the priest admonishes his friend.

“But that is the name of the fish, it’s a son of a bitch.” His friend insists.

“Really? Well, it is a rather large son of a bitch then I suppose” The priest acknowledges.


After a long afternoon of fishing the priest returns to the church with his catch and runs into a nun on the front step.

“Wow, that is a big fish father!” She says in awe.

“Isn’t It? It sure is a big son of a bitch.” He says proudly.

“FATHER! Watch your language!” she says in horror.

“But that’s what its called, it’s a son of a bitch.” The priest says earnestly.

“Oh, I see. Well, since you caught the son of a bitch, then I will clean it and give it to the cook” She says.


So the nun takes the fish, cleans it and delivers it to the cook for dinner that night.

“Look at all of this fish!” The cook exclaims.

“It sure was a big son of a bitch!” says the nun.

“Sister! What did you say?” says the shocked cook.

“Don’t worry, that’s it’s name, it’s a son of a bitch” she says.

“Oh, okay, then I will cook the son of a bitch for dinner tonight” says the cook.


That night, the Pope comes over for dinner. After the meal, he pushes back his chair.

“What an excellent meal” He exclaims “My compliments on that wonderful fish!”

The first priest smiles proudly and says, “I caught the son of a bitch”

The nun chimes in “And I cleaned the son of a bitch”

Finally the cook says modestly “ And I cooked the son of a bitch!”

The Pope looks over the three with a surprised look. Then he slowly leans back on his chair and puts his feet up on the table.

“You know what?” He says, “You fuckers are alright!”
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Old 11-21-2007, 02:48 PM   #4
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There was a book I saw lastweek that was memoirs from a Sgt. Mike Jackson.

I said to my dad; "he shortened it to Mike so he doesnt get bad rep when he touches his privates.."
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Old 11-21-2007, 04:04 PM   #5
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face??"
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Old 11-21-2007, 04:55 PM   #6
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It was particularly busy one night at a popular nightclub in a town with a huge military base. Lots of soldiers were out, and accordingly lots of the town's girls were too. Everyone was drinking a lot and having a good time, except for one rather old-looking Sergeant who simply stood by himself with a very stoic look on his face all night.

At one point, a rather drunk girl noticed he'd been standing there almost at attention for a very long time.

"Look at that guy over there," she said to her friend. "I bet I can get him moving."

So she walked up to the sergeant and said, "Hey there. I noticed you're not very happy."

"Not true, ma'am," was the reply from the sergeant, who stood staring straight ahead. "I just got home from my 10th Army tour of duty. Glad to be here."

"Wow!" exclaimed the young woman. "Ten tours, huh? How does your wife feel about that?"

"I'm not married, and I never have been," replied the sergeant.

"Oh," the young woman said. "Well, no wonder you're so unexcited. You're away from women all the time and have nobody to come back to when your work is done. When's the last time you got laid?"

"1955," replied the sergeant.

So the young woman, feeling particularly sorry for the poor old guy, and also feeling particularly drunk, decided to take him home and give him what he'd been missing for so long.

So she did.

After it was all over, they were lying in bed. She was covered in sweat. She turned to him, still breathless, and said "Wow! That was unbelievable! I can't believe that after all that time you haven't lost your touch!"

"I better not have," the sergeant replied. "It's only 2130 now."
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Old 11-21-2007, 09:11 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally posted by MsPurrl
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face??"
Let's continue the bar theme:

A man walked into a bar and said ouch.


OR


Three men walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would've seen it.
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Old 11-22-2007, 12:29 AM   #8
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I was going to list some dead baby jokes... but those are just brutal.

And they're only funny in person. Rapid-fire style.
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Old 11-22-2007, 12:51 AM   #9
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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

He was holding on to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Monkey see, monkey do.


What did the giraffe say?

Where'd all these dead monkeys come from?
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Old 11-22-2007, 12:53 AM   #10
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Okay, okay, here's one:

How many dead babies does it take to fill a dumpster?

...7
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Old 11-22-2007, 12:54 AM   #11
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Bonos at a concert and hes clapping his hands...



















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Old 11-22-2007, 01:25 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally posted by LemonMacPhisto
Okay, okay, here's one:

How many dead babies does it take to fill a dumpster?

...7
Why did the dead baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken.
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Old 11-22-2007, 08:30 AM   #13
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry" the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, "she replies. . . "


"You just happened to catch my eye."
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Old 11-22-2007, 08:32 AM   #14
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Two nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
The first nun leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The second nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
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Old 11-22-2007, 08:37 AM   #15
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!" "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."
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