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Old 05-29-2006, 03:21 PM   #76
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Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha.

He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.

A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.

They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:

"Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...screwballs!!

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty all right!

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears.
"Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says. (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes."

(Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.
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Old 05-29-2006, 07:02 PM   #77
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there are some good ones here!

I'll contribute one:

A guy walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for chocolate ice cream. The clerk says "I'm sorry. We're all out of chocolate. Would you like another flavor?" So, the guy says, "Ok. I'll have chocolate." The clerk says, "Look, I told you that we don't have any left. Pick another flavor." So, the guy says, "I want chocolate ice cream, not anything else. Give me some." So, the clerk says "I told you: We done have any more. Try something else." So, the guy says, "But I only want chocolate." So, the clerk asks, "If you take the 'van' out of 'vanilla', what's left?" "The guy answers "illa." Then, the clerk asks, "If you take the 'straw' out of 'strawberry', what's left?" The guy answers "berry." Then, the clerk asks "If you take the 'f' out of 'chocolate', what's left?" The guy answers "There is no f'in chocolate!" The clerk says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

I heard this one during comedy night in a little club downtown and thought it was pretty f'in funny.
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Old 05-29-2006, 07:41 PM   #78
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
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Old 05-29-2006, 07:41 PM   #79
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A Classic

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
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Old 05-29-2006, 07:46 PM   #80
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A man and his wife are sitting in their home. The wife says "if something ever happened to me, would you re-marry?"

The man replies " well, probably after a few years, sure'

His wife then says "Would your new wife live in this house?"

He replies " This is a fairly new and beautiful home so I guess the answer would have to be yes."

She then asks " Would she be sleeping in the same bed we share now?"

The husband says " We just bought that bed and it's a great bed, it should last a very long time, so yes, we would use the same bed"

Finally, the wife asks " Would she use my golf clubs too?"

"Oh,no" the husband replies "she's left-handed!!"
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Old 05-29-2006, 11:16 PM   #81
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Wow, I gotta catch up.




Ok, Blue crack addicts.........you can start suggesting a winner......remember only Addicts can suggest a winner.
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Old 05-30-2006, 01:01 AM   #82
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Quote:
Originally posted by DreamOutLoud13
Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says to the second cow: "Aren't you worried about mad cow disease?" The second cow says: "Of course not. I'm a helicopter."
^
winning material

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Old 05-30-2006, 01:20 AM   #83
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so many funny jokes! Just finally caught up
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Old 05-30-2006, 12:34 PM   #84
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A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell" and you say "ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."







WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs!







Crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step.







The mom locks him in his room & shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios
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Old 05-30-2006, 12:57 PM   #85
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Quote:
Originally posted by RedrocksU2




Wow, I gotta catch up.




Ok, Blue crack addicts.........you can start suggesting a winner......remember only Addicts can suggest a winner.

Do we have to vote publicly or do we PM you or what?
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Old 05-30-2006, 01:01 PM   #86
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What did one teddy bear say to the other teddy bear when he offered him some dessert?


No thanks, I'm stuffed.

[/rimshot]
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Old 05-30-2006, 01:15 PM   #87
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Quote:
Originally posted by Carek1230



Do we have to vote publicly or do we PM you or what?

Vote here.
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Old 05-30-2006, 01:29 PM   #88
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In honour of the Stanley Cup playoffs, I present you with this -

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head "No ...they're all at the funeral."
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Old 05-30-2006, 01:34 PM   #89
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Quote:
Originally posted by trevster2k
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told there was a fortune in horse-racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the
races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.


The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS


This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.


The next day, the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains ! where it could run wild.


Headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE


The Bishop was buried the next day.
that is great!
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Old 05-30-2006, 02:00 PM   #90
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There's so many good ones!!

OK here's my favorites so far (fah's got some good ones btw!)

My top 3 in order:

#1:

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell" and you say "ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."


WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs!


Crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step.


The mom locks him in his room & shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios.”

#2:

A mother and father tomato is walking their child down the street when at last the father turns around and squashes his son.... Horrified the mother says why did you do that? the father says I was tired of telling him to......... Ketchup

#3:

A guy walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for chocolate ice cream. The clerk says "I'm sorry. We're all out of chocolate. Would you like another flavor?" So, the guy says, "Ok. I'll have chocolate." The clerk says, "Look, I told you that we don't have any left. Pick another flavor." So, the guy says, "I want chocolate ice cream, not anything else. Give me some." So, the clerk says "I told you: We done have any more. Try something else." So, the guy says, "But I only want chocolate." So, the clerk asks, "If you take the 'van' out of 'vanilla', what's left?" "The guy answers "illa." Then, the clerk asks, "If you take the 'straw' out of 'strawberry', what's left?" The guy answers "berry." Then, the clerk asks "If you take the 'f' out of 'chocolate', what's left?" The guy answers "There is no f'in chocolate!" The clerk says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
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