*Peter hands sign to person waiting in the airport reading "I am deaf. Please buy this sign for $2.00"*
Person: Aw come on, just because he's deaf he thinks I'm going to buy this! What an idiot!
Peter: Hey, just because I'm deaf doesn't mean I don't have feelings!
*people start staring at him*
I mean, what?
Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter: Um, if by "read" you mean imagined a naked lady, then, yes.
Peter: Look at all the garbage the New Yorkers are dumping on our lawn. The New York Times, New Yorker Magazine, the New York Mets.
Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
Chris: Where do you think you go when you die?
Sam: I learned in church that if you're good you go to heaven, but if you're bad you go to a place where the dead believe they're still livin' and they pray for death but death won't come.
Chris: UPN?
Stewie: There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore.