This is my new reality show crack. I actually wrote a post about it in my blog. Here it is
http://popcorninmybra.blogspot.com/2007/12/crowned-1st-episode.html:
Crowned: The 1st Episode
Well, I saw the first episode of Crowned last night. I feel dirty and ashamed, and I love it! I'm always up for some train-wrecky goodness and Crowned just might fit the bill.
Last night we were introduced to 11 mother/daughter teams vying to win some cheap-ass crown and $100,000 dollars. Some of the teams have experience in the beauty pageant world and others are total novices. All ready I can tell there are some teams that I'm going to like, which is good, and others that are going to work my last nerve, even better.
As I mentioned, Carson Kressley, Shanna Moaklar and Cynthia Garrett are the judges. Carson is clearly slumming but he probably thought to himself, "Hmm, I get to make bitchy remarks and get paid? I am so there." Clearly Blink 182 isn't selling many CDs, which is why Shanna got out of bed to earn a paycheck. And I found out that Cynthia Garrett is a "TV personality and public image consultant." Hey, aren't we all.
After being told by pageant director/drill sergeant, Linnea Maloney that Crowned is about modern beauty, intelligence and spirit-or some such bullshit, the teams get ready to impress the judges. But first they must have a food fight. Perhaps next week they'll have a pillow fight.
The mother/daughter teams must put their (limited) brain power together to come up with a team name, and pick out the best outfit and introductory speech/song/whatever for the judging panel. Yep, you can imagine where this is heading.
The first team is the Redhead Bombshells featuring mother Patty and daughter Laura. Patty has an obvious boob job and only eats hamburger meat. And Laura claims she is in musical theater. Laura gets up at the crack of dawn to practice her "singing." I want to go Simon Cowell on her boney-ass. Laura thinks she's hot, but she has no chin. They truly bug and the judges were hardly impressed.
Next come the Blonde Bombshells featuring mother Brenda and daughter Heather. Blonde Bombshells? More like Blonde Barflies. Brenda and Heather are wearing some weird combination of skimpy dresses with huge black hats. Carson calls them "Amish Hookers." Amish Hookers is totally the name of my next band.
Dream Gals are made up of mother Gina and daughter Hollis and they sing an original song to impress the judges. They are dorky and they embrace it. I think they're in the contest for the fun of it, which makes them the sanest team of the bunch. I hope they stick around
Diamond Dolls features mom Melinda and daughter Rachelle. They try to earn brownie points by mentioning mom's kidney transplant from a few years back. I didn't pay too much attention because for a moment I thought they had named their team Diamond Dogs, and I was wondering why they would name themselves after a David Bowie song.
Mother Angela and daughter Tenia make up Skin Deep . Angela and Tenia clearly do not understand the meaning of "skin deep" because they think it means deep and introspective when it actually means the very opposite. Doh!
The Tomboy Queens are next. Mother Pamela and daughter Felicia come out in military gear. Don't ask, don’t tell and apparently don't get a haircut if you see mom Pamela's kudzu hair. But actually, they seem pretty decent. Mom just needs a good haircut.
The Sassy Sisters are not sassy nor sisters. Discuss. However, the Sassy Sisters are made up of mother Jill and daughter Nicole. Nicole made Miss Delaware on her very first try. Well, I guess good for her.
Reigning A's are next and they consist of mother Andrea and daughter Amanda. Get it? Reigning A's because both their names start with A and because they totally rule? Crickets chirping-judges don't care.
Daredevil Divas come up and they feature mom Moya and daughter Jenileigh. Jenileigh gives off a slight she-male vibe but she's training to be an aerialist, which is kind of different. At least she doesn't want to be an anchorwoman like every other beauty queen contestant.
Silent but Deadly approaches the judges. Mom Annette has a doctorate but doesn't know what silent but deadly means. My four-year-old nephew knows what silent but deadly means. Then again that kid lives for stories about poop. Still, this team is likable and daughter Alana comes across far more poised than a lot of 18-year olds.
Last team is Hot & Not featuring mom Ada and daughter Christan. Christan claims she is hot and her mother is not. Gee, nice.
After the judges deliberate, we get to the highlight of the show-the DE-SASHING. The judges tell the contestants whether they are safe or not. Dream Gals got the highest score! The Reigning A's and the Blonde Bombshells get the lowest scores. The Blonde Bombshells are told to pick up the "Bedazzled Scissors of De-Sashing." It looks like they are leaving. But no! There is a twist. It's the Reigning A's who are being de-sashed and the Blonde Bombshells are the de-sashers. In a tear-filled moment the Blonde Bombshells cut the Reigning A's sashes with a scissors the size of a bazooka.
And that was the first episode of Crowned. I can't wait for next week.
