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Old 01-17-2006, 12:51 PM   #1
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Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.


Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.


Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.


If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.


Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.


Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.


Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.


Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.


In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.


There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.


Additional Chuck Norris Facts
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.


Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.


Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.


The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.


If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.


Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.


Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.


Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.


Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.


Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.


When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.


The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.


A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.


Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.


Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.


Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."


The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.


Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"


Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.


Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.


Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.


Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.


Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris


Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.


Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.


Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.


If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.


Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.


The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
chuck norris sleeps with a night light. not because he is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.

chuck norris walked down the street with an erection, there were no survivors.

Each of Chuck Norris's chest hairs is required to earn at least a orange belt.
A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex."
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Old 01-17-2006, 01:09 PM   #2
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nobody reads this

Quote:
Originally posted by MrBrau1
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.


Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.


Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.


Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.


There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.


Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.


If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.


There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.


Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.


Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.


Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.


The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.


Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"


Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

OH MY GOD... THIS ARE PRICELESS




Quote:
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.



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Old 01-17-2006, 01:31 PM   #3
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I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris
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Old 01-17-2006, 01:32 PM   #4
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Old 01-17-2006, 01:33 PM   #5
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Originally posted by Headache in a Suitcase
That shit is even funnier than the damned "facts" themselves.

...And I guess I failed to quote you properly. Fuck it. You know what I'm saying, kids.

Hilarious.
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Old 01-17-2006, 01:39 PM   #6
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Re: Chuck Norris Facts

Quote:
Originally posted by MrBrau1
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Is this the proof of Intelligent Design needed to have it taught in science class? Better get the FYM gang to discuss it.
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Old 01-17-2006, 01:40 PM   #7
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Old 01-17-2006, 01:42 PM   #8
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I love reading these!
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Old 01-17-2006, 02:46 PM   #9
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another fact is, he went to mine, and MR BAW's high school.
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Old 01-17-2006, 04:19 PM   #10
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oh man, i love it
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Old 01-17-2006, 04:29 PM   #11
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What would happen in VIn Diesel and Chuck Norris fought?
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Old 01-17-2006, 04:48 PM   #12
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lol i saw him made out of wax at the Movieland Wax Museum in California and he has a very little head
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Old 01-17-2006, 04:51 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally posted by UberBeaver
What would happen in VIn Diesel and Chuck Norris fought?
Diesel would die.

I like how Chuck makes butter:

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
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Old 01-17-2006, 04:51 PM   #14
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I've seen these before and I absolutely love them

here are some more (ignore the numbering cause I deleted the ones that are already posted):


3. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

5. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

7. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

8. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

9. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

10. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

12. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

13. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

14. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

16. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

18. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

19. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

20. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

21. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

23. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

24. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

25. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

26. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

27. You remember when you were playing the game Oregon Trail and you came accross the Snake River that was 2 foot deep, you decide to cross it and you lose 3 wagon wheels, one child and your wife was diagnosed with Parvo and they blamed it on Wagon Robbing Indians? Yeah that was Chuck Norris, he fucking robbed you, drowned your child with numchucks and gave your wife herpes. Chuck Norris Owns you.

29. Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

30. When Chuck Norris goes out to eat he orders a whole chicken but he only eats it's soul.
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Old 01-17-2006, 05:22 PM   #15
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The Complete Gym rules.

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