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Old 11-30-2001, 05:30 PM   #1
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U2: A Shakespearean Tragedy!

Hey PLEBA-keteers. For those of you wondering why I haven’t been posting on the MPS, here’s why: I re-wrote "Hamlet"!

Everyone’s in this one...me, Bluey, Bona, Julie, CatDubh, ScottPhisto, MullenGirl, and of course Mona. Please read and tell me what you think! I put a lot of work into this!

. . .


ACT I SCENE I

*MullenGirl stands guard in front of the PLEBA mansion.*

MULLENGIRL: Hey! Who's that?

JULIE: Relax, I'm here to take over.

MULLENGIRL: You're just in time. *Points to her tiny portable television* VH1 is rerunning the Elevation concert.

JULIE: Cool!

MULLEN GIRL: Have a good time. I'm gonna go watch it on the big screen in the den.

JULIE: Aw, man...*sits*

*Edge and CatDubh approach.*

CATDUBH: What's going on?

JULIE: *mouthful of popcorn* Watching some Elevation.

CATDUBH: Whose?

JULIE: No, no, the concert.

EDGE: You see the ghost yet?

JULIE: What ghost?

EDGE: He shows up now and then. Doesn't say anything.

*Bright light.*

CATDUBH: It's him!

*Ghost appears.*

CATDUBH: Well, what are you waiting for! *Elbows Edge* Go try and talk to him!

EDGE: *sigh* *approaches ghost* Um...Hi...We're all curious as to why you're here.

*Ghost is silent* *Edge turns back to CatDubh and Julie; shrugs.*

*Darkness falls again.*

CATDUBH: There it goes.

JULIE: That was some weird shit.

EDGE: It looked kind of like Sting.

JULIE: You know, you're right...

*Ghost returns.*

EDGE: There it is again!

JULIE: What should we do?

CATDUBH: I don't know...Poke it with a stick!

JULIE: What?!

CATDUBH: Does the remote control work on him?

*Ghost leaves.*

CATDUBH: Oh, now look what you did!

JULIE: I didn't do anything! Aw man! Look what it did to the TV reception...


ACT I SCENE II

*A crowd gathers around a throne in the rec room of the PLEBA mansion.*

BRIAN ENO: It is sad to see the passing of our dear friend Sting, a true hero in these troubled times...

MONA: *sniff* He was such a tamale.

BRIAN ENO: But we must not let the end of his life mean the end of our own. That is why I am pleased to announce my marriage to the lovely former Mrs. Sting, Trudie Styler.

TRUDIE: What can I say? I have a thing for balding New Wave blondes.

ECHO: *from behind throne* New Wave, my arse.

EDGE: Did you hear something?

BONO: *FUME*

ENO: Hey, what's your problem, Shorty?

BONO: Why don't you feck off and ruin another Talking Heads album!

TRUDIE: Chill out Bono. We all miss Sting, but we have to move on.

SCOTTPHISTO: Um...I'm really happy for you and Trudie and everything, but I really need to leave. I gotta get back to the MacPhisto Society.

ENO: That cool with you, Mac?

MACPHISTO: Someone's gotta hold the fort while I'm gone.

ENO: Alright, have fun.


ACT I SCENE III

*A corridor on the second floor.*

SCOTTPHISTO: I'm 'bout to hit the road, babe.

MONA: But...but...who am I gonna throw zucchinis at?

SCOTTPHISTO: Do me a favor while I'm gone.

MONA: Anything.

SCOTTPHISTO: Don't defile Bono.

MONA: What?! But he just promised me I could be his Elevation Technician!

SCOTTPHISTO: I'm only looking out for you. Bono talks a lot, you know, but he's a heartbreaker. One minute you're all set to be his Elevation Technician, the next minute you're cleaning the loos.

MONA: *Looks at mop* Yeah...

SCOTTPHISTO: So try to maintain some level of Inter-Pantal Control, okay?

MONA: Well...alright. But only 'cause you're my soulmate! Say hi to everyone in the MacPhisto Society for me!


ACT I SCENE IV

*Bono and Edge stand outside the PLEBA Mansion*

BONO: Holy feck it's cold out here.

EDGE: *looks at two-way radio wristwatch* It won't be much longer.

*Light.* *Enter the Ghost of Sting*

EDGE: I think it wants to talk to you. *scrams*

BONO: *gulp* Hey Gordie, what's up.

STING: Don't call me "Gordie."

BONO: Hey, you're dead, buddy, I'll call you whatever I want. What're ya gonna do to me?

STING: *sigh* You keeping an eye on the rain forest for me?

BONO: You know it.

STING: Good, good. Listen, I want to talk to you about Brian Eno.

BONO: That wanker? Believe me, I know all about that. You sure got screwed over.

STING: There's something you don't know. Eno put a hit on me.

BONO: *blinks* Eno was hitting on you? Dude, that's nothin', you should see what he's doin' to your wife!

STING: No, he put a hit on me! He hired someone to kill me so he could move in on the PLEBA mansion!

BONO: What the hell were you doing in the PLEBA mansion?

STING: I don't know! Some dark-haired girl in a camo hat chloroformed me and Bruce Springsteen and put us in these big jars in the basement. Look, the point is, you have to avenge my death!

BONO: I what? Avenge? Whatever happened to Mr. Zen Yoga Nothing-Comes-From-Violence Sting?

STING: Had you fooled, didn't I? *He disappears.*

BONO: Oh, shite.

EDGE: Wow.

BONO: Okay, listen Edge. You remember that time we went to Graceland?

EDGE: Yeah.

BONO: And we broke off from the tour group and wandered into the master bedroom?

EDGE: *blush* Yeah....

BONO: No, no, after we did that...When I found Elvis's pistol in the nightstand and I accidentally shot a hole in the waterbed? And we covered it with a pillow and snuck out and agreed not to tell anyone?

EDGE: Yeah?

BONO: Well, this is more secret than that, okay?


ACT II SCENE I

*Mona's bedroom.*

MACPHISTO: Mona! Why isn't the loo clean!...And why are there holes drilled in the wall? *He looks in one* Oh my...didn't Larry specifically request not to have a room adjacent to yours?

MONA: *drool*

MACPHISTO: Mona, listen to me.

MONA: Hm?

MACPHISTO: You're not letting Bono do any banging, are you?

MONA: *faint*

MACPHISTO: Cause he really needs more practice at it.

MONA: *wakes up* *faints*

MACPHISTO: You'd think after all these years he wouldn't pound away at it so sloppily.

MONA: *wakes up* *faints*

MACPHISTO: How long has he been practicing the drums, anyway?

MONA: Drums?


ACT II SCENE II

*The rec room.*

LARRY: Well, once again we have been relegated to skimpy, pathetic supporting roles.

ADAM: Don't forget doomed.

BRIAN ENO: Would you two please tell me what Boner's problem is? He's been sulking ever since Sting died and I married his wife.

LARRY: *sneer* Yeah, he's always been unreasonable like that.

ADAM: *looks around* Um....where's Lanois? I like him a lot better.

LARRY: Leave it to us, sir, to speak with Bono. His hash will get settled directly.

*Exeunt.*

*Cut to Bono sulking in a corridor on the first floor.* *Enter The Players.*

BONO: Who are you?

BLUEY: Just a meager traveling troupe of actors in search of work.

BONA: Do you have need of us?

BONO: Hmmm...as a matter of fact...do any of you belly dance?

ECHO: *points to Animatronic Edge* He does.

BONO: Em...not quite what I had in mind...

ACT III SCENE I

BRIAN ENO: Well?

ADAM: He's a fruitcake, alright.

BRIAN ENO: I knew it. Ever since the time I wanted to replace the guitar in "Mysterious Ways" with the sound of me clipping my toenails, and he thought it might not be the most brilliant musical concept in history. I knew then, that he was a madman.

*Cut to Bono, sulking in the corridor. Enter Mona.*

MONA: There you are! When are you gonna make me your Elevation Technician?

BONO: Well, em...

MONA: Can I at least be your special tamale?

BONO: Em...

MONA: Oh! Oh! How about we screw! *Holds up power drill* Edge taught me how!

BONO: Well...

MONA: Just let me baste you? Can I hold your balls? I've got a can of cranberry sauce!

BONO: *perk* With the little ridges?

MONA: Yep.

BONO: Well...No, no. I can't. You've got to get out of here.

MONA: What do you mean?

BONO: You've got to leave the PLEBA mansion! You're too scandalous for your own good! The world can't stand another Elevated thread! All of Interference will combust! Get thee to EYKIW!

MONA: Noooooo!!!

BONO: Get thee to EYKIW, I say!

ACT III SCENE II

BONO: Okay, here's what I want you to do - Bona, you take this, it's supposed to be a vial of poison, right? And pour it over the plate of food. Then Bluey comes in and eats the food and passes out.

BLUEY: I'm always at death's door in these things...

BONO: And then Animatronic Edge comes in, and he says...

ECHO: Em...Animatronic Edge doesn't talk.

BONO: What?

ECHO: Yeah, see, he's kind of like Harpo Marx.

BONO: Is that so.

ECHO: Uh huh. And Bluey's our Groucho...and Bona’s sorta like Chico...

BONO: Which one are you?

ECHO: Em...Karl.

*Enter Adam and Larry*

BONO: Hey, what's up, guys?

ADAM: You've changed, man! It used to be about the songs!

BONO: Oh, man, I'm in an episode of Behind the Music.

LARRY: Eno doesn't like your attitude.

BONO: Is this about the thing with the wooden fish?

LARRY: All we know is, you better shape up or ship out.

ADAM: And when you're done here, Trudie wants to talk to you!

BONO: Oh, man! Rock star wives...they're all a bunch of harpies...

ALI: What did you say?

BONO: Nothing, dear...

ACT III SCENE III

*Trudie's bedroom.*

TRUDIE: I've found that if you use a moisturizer just before applying a layer of foundation, you get much better results.

MACPHISTO: Wow...I never thought of that...

TRUDIE: Oh, here he comes! Hide!

*MacPhisto looks around for place to hide, sees none.*

TRUDIE: Hurry!

*MacPhisto takes the shade off the lamp, puts it on his head. Stands very still.*

BONO: *enters* You wanted to talk to me?

TRUDIE: Yes, come sit. Now listen, I know you're upset over what happened between me and Brian...

BONO: It's awfully dark in here...mind if I turn a light on?

TRUDIE: NO! I mean...em....

BONO: What's the problem? *walks over to MacPhisto, reaches under lampshade, pulls cord*

MACPHISTO: Um...click?

BONO: What the... *rips shade off* Hey! *clocks MacPhisto*

MACPHISTO: *reeling* Ow! My jaw! My glamorous jaw!

BONO: Dude, you are so busted.

ACT IV SCENE I

*The kitchen of the PLEBA Mansion.*

MONA: Hey, check out my new Bon Jovi Cuisinart!

BRIAN ENO: Oh, lovely.

*Edge enters, wearing tool belt.*

BRIAN ENO: Ah, Edge...getting ready to do some screwing, no doubt.

MONA: *is scandalized*

EDGE: Yeah, you know me...whenever I see a hole I just gotta do some pounding.

MONA: *faints*

BRIAN ENO: You really tore that wall up good, didn't you, Mona?

MONA: *starts to get up* Oh, the wall.

*Suddenly Larry enters, holding a bag*

LARRY: Hey Eno, what do you want me to do with my balls?

BRIAN ENO: Juts keep them in your sack for now...take 'em out to the tennis court, we're gonna slap 'em around later.

MONA: !!!

*Suddenly Adam enters*

ADAM: Hey guys, I -- *His sarong falls off* Whoops!

MONA: !!!!!!!

BRIAN ENO: *standing next to the microwave* Does anyone want a Hot Pocket? Or maybe a Pop Tart?

EDGE: Well, I'm gonna get back to screwing...

MONA: !!!!!!!!!!!

*Suddenly Bono enters*

BONO: Um...the elevator is broken...

MONA: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *falls over dead*

BRIAN ENO: Oh no...

EDGE: She scandalized herself to death!

BRIAN ENO: Oh man. ScottPhisto is gonna be pissed off.

ACT V SCENE I

*Edge's bedroom.* *Enter Bono.*

EDGE: *looks up from workbench* Hey, man.

BONO: Hey. Whatcha working on?

EDGE: I'm doing you a favor. Tomorrow night's the big Atari Championship.

BONO: So?

EDGE: So, everyone's gonna be there! It's your chance for revenge!

BONO: But I can't play video games worth a crap! The last time I tried, my frog got run over by two cars! And I was playing Tetris!

EDGE: I know...that's why no one will anticipate your stunning victory! See, I took a break from perfecting cold fusion --- 'cause really, that can wait --- and I rigged this game controller. Whoever uses this will surely lose; the buttons have all been reprogrammed.


BONO: That's brilliant! I'll humiliate them all!

EDGE: Now before everyone shows up, I'm gonna go and hook this up to the player two console...So you always gotta be player one, got it?

BONO: No problem.

ACT V SCENE II

*The video arcade at the PLEBA Mansion.*

BRIAN ENO: Quiet please! Now I know it's been a long, hard...

EDGE: *blush*

BRIAN ENO: ...tournament. But I'm please to announce the two finalists: ScottPhsito and Bono! ScottPhisto, you were last year's champion, so you may choose the game for the final showdown.

SCOTTPHISTO: I choose...Ms. Pac-Man.

BONO: Shite.

SCOTTPHISTO: *nods and grins* Oh yeah, it's on now, Shorty.

*Bono wins the first round. The crowd goes wild. Bono does a victory lap around the heart-shaped catwalk that surrounds the arcade. ScottPhisto fumes. When Bono returns, he grabs for a controller and gets set for Round Two.*

BRIAN ENO: Begin!

*Bono starts, going for the power pill to the right...but Ms. Pac-Man goes to the left! Oh no! Bono has picked up the wrong controller!*

*Suddenly small projectiles start pelting the screen.*

SCOTTPHISTO: What the hell...is it hailing in here?

BONO: Dammit Larry! Point your shirt somewhere else! I'm trying to play!

LARRY: A thousand pardons. *turns*

*Pop! Pop!*

SCOTTPHISTO: Ow! My eye!

LARRY: Oh God, sorry!

SCOTTPHISTO: *Hand over eye* I can't play like this!

BRIAN ENO: Oh no! The tournament is ruined!

*Brian Eno gets up from he throne. He steps down and slips on some nachos*

BRIAN ENO: Gah! *falls, bonks head and dies*

*Echo does the Happy Dance.*

EDGE: *sniff* I can't help but think that those nachos were meant for me...

BONO: *Throws down controller* Aw, man...I was so close.

EDGE: Don't worry about it. ScottPhisto's gonna have to forfeit anyway.

BONO: You know Edge...*waves dismissively at videogame* It occurs to me that the problems of three musicians, a dyslexic, a devil, a shitty ambient producer, and a bunch of horny women don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

EDGE: Bono, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship...

*They walk off into the sunset.*

MONA: *rises from the dead* Hey! That's not how this pla---THE END




------------------
*Echo the Pimpstress* ... Proud Owner of Animatronic Edge!

"Sting, you know I love you but you got a hell of a lot to learn about Rock n' Roll." -Bono

"For the good of the nation, you must defile Bono!" - Me

*Somewhere, Edge blushes.*


Bono-Man! An Epic Superhero Adventure!

The Official PLEBA Glossary: Delicious AND Nutritious!
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Old 11-30-2001, 05:53 PM   #2
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ECHO!!!!!! omg! so funny! and yay! i was in it

sorry this post is so short, i'm running out of my house right now. *zoom* i'll be back. but yay! it was awesome!
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Old 11-30-2001, 06:06 PM   #3
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WOW! That was commendable Echo! I laughed so hard, thanks so much!
I've been in Hamlet and your attention to details was insanely good! BRAVO!
My favorite part...."Umm, click?" LMFAO!
YAY!
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Old 11-30-2001, 06:12 PM   #4
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YAY, Echo!!

hehe great sketch

Sting as Gordie LMAO! *tumbs up*

PS: Please update on MPS!

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Old 11-30-2001, 06:36 PM   #5
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LMAO!!!!!!!!! I have TEARS in my eyes!!!!!! An atari championship?! Genius. Mona scandalizing herself to death?! WONDERFUL LMAO!!! Two thumbs up Bono still needs to write me a sonnet....

If it weren't so raunchy (not that that's a bad thing) I'd bring it into AP English

------------------
~*Mona*~
Echo's Pimpstress Protege, capable of scandalizing ScottPhisto with AngelinaLips....

97% compatible with Bono

Proud Owner of the one and only Bon Jovi soap caddy

Love me, give me soul.

The PLEBA Mansion, where the play's the thing...
http://www.geocities.com/kiti_regia/plebamansion

For the good of the nation, you must defile Bono! ~Echo~
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Old 11-30-2001, 06:53 PM   #6
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LMFAO!!!!! OMG!!!! I'm like laughing so hard that i've not stopped yet and I like snorted my nose into my brain and I started wheezing lmao this is the funniest shite i've seen in awhile lmao

*Suddenly Larry enters, holding a bag*

LARRY: Hey Eno, what do you want me to do with my balls?

BRIAN ENO: Juts keep them in your sack for now...take 'em out to the tennis court, we're gonna slap 'em around later.

*is scandalized* OMG funny as hell

-------------------------------------------
Suddenly small projectiles start pelting the screen.*

SCOTTPHISTO: What the hell...is it hailing in here?

BONO: Dammit Larry! Point your shirt somewhere else! I'm trying to play!

LARRY: A thousand pardons. *turns*
*Pop! Pop!*


SCOTTPHISTO: Ow! My eye!

LARRY: Oh God, sorry!

OMG That was so fecking funny...ahhh my stomach hurts from laughing so much



------------------
The U2 revolution has been reinstated.

THE Larry Mullen Jr. Page
http://www.geocities.com/kiti_regia/index.html

Meeting Larry:
*MG shows Larry poster*
*Larry reads poster*
*Larry smiles and says "Thank you that's very nice of you"*
*Larry signs paper, shakes MG's hand*
*MG almost dies then sees tearaway pants and gets bad ideas*
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Old 11-30-2001, 07:11 PM   #7
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I just don't ever know what to say about this stuff any more, but it had me laughing so hard, I nearly snorted cajun rice and beans up into my brain!

Fave parts:

*Suddenly small projectiles start pelting the screen.*

SCOTTPHISTO: What the hell...is it hailing in here?

AND

Mackie: "Um...click?" LMFAO!!! GAWD!!!

You rock, Echo...er, I mean, KARL.

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Old 11-30-2001, 08:53 PM   #8
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You know this would have served as great study guide last year for my Hamlet test. Wow girl talk about paying attention to detail. It was so fecking hilarious I wish I had this much fun reading the real thing.


------------------
Tha Prickly Comedian
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Old 11-30-2001, 11:49 PM   #9
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Hamlet? noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

wait, PLEBA does Hamlet? yes! silly me, i read the Shakesperian version, but this one was so much better.

*i must pull myself away from PLEBA and return to reading King Lear. does the Shakespeare never end?*

------------------
"Revolution starts at home, in your heart, in your refusal to compromise your beliefs and your values." - Bono

"And I wear gray underwear." -Bono

Love,
Emily


Visit my webpage for U2 wallpapers:
www.geocities.com/springtime5348/index.html

You hurt yourself, you hurt your lover, then you discover what you thought was freedom is just greed...
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Old 11-30-2001, 11:56 PM   #10
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O_X

As you can see, I still owe Lars one...


FLY & ALI

To set the scene:
The houses of Bono and Phisto are in the middle of an all-out war that erupts on the streets of fair PLEBA-Ville.

Scottphisto and Macphisto have been dueling. Scottphisto's best friend, The Fly, tried to stop them, but Scottphisto was hurt in the struggle...


SCOTTPHISTO: *Looks down* Hey...*chuckle* I'm okay...really...
*Macphisto and the Fly look at him, knowing he's lying*
SCOTTPHISTO: *Removes hand from side...sees blood* *Weak* Aw, shite. I hate...you guys...*falls down*
*The Fly runs over to his fallen friend*
FLY: Dude...I...you'll be okay...just, um...just look at me! That makes everyone feel better...
SCOTTPHISTO: *Weaker* Why hath thou...came between...him and I? My bosom was pierced...under your arm...
FLY: *Utterly lost* What?
SCOTTPHISTO: You moron! Why the hell did you get in my way! I was friggin' stabbed!!!
FLY: Oh. Sorry.
SCOTTPHISTO: *Dead*
FLY: Feck.
*******************************

Yeah.
That just kinda....came out there....

Scottphisto:
What a schmo.




SCOTTPHISTO: A POX ON BOTH YOUR ALTER EGOS!!!


------------------
ScottPhisto
The Man-Slut of PLEBA

Card carrying member of Echo's Boy Cleaning Service.

Devourer of Ewoks

70% water, 30% Chocolatey Goodness!!


"I'm not wearing any underwear! Now gimmie a cookie!!" -Unknown
Is this love? Or is it just rough sex with Michael Douglas?
EAT ME!! I'M A SPEACIALTY BREAD!!

[This message has been edited by Scottphisto (edited 11-30-2001).]
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