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Old 10-20-2002, 01:55 AM   #1
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conversation with God or a confused poem.

I am drunk and I am hurting and I believe in God but where is he? So here is how my mind is working....



You are supposed to be all powerful
So why donít you just hurry up and kill me already?

My soul has been dead for months, címon finish the job
You started the day you decided it would be ok if he broke my heart
Friends, lovers, the love of my life, you think itís funny to take them all away
Take it away, take me away, make it go away. Make ME go away
Make me stop hurting, make me sleep, make me go away, make it all go away

I dare you, I fucking dare you to be the God you claim to be
Merciful my ass, you hate me, and I donít want to hate you, I donít want to hate anybody
But I hate myself, the ugly face that stares back at me, the ugly face that prevents me from feeling the love I am desperate to know

Each time I find the lips I want to kiss, the hands I want to touch me
They go away because Iím not beautiful and I never will be.
Will I be beautiful after death? Will I ever get my day? Will I ever find one that loves me that I love too?
Or am I supposed to just settle for the one who loves me?

I canít take it any more
Let the demons consume me because Iím weak and I just canít do it
Please, please kill me.
Iím even too weak to do that
Why do you kill others and let me live if you are so powerful?
Whatís my purpose?
At least they are loved,
what am I besides a burden and an ugly thing that will never know love?

I dare you to take mercy on me!!!!!!!!
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Old 10-21-2002, 12:32 PM   #2
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Yes you will see your day. Just live through this moment and the light will be around the corner. Believe me, I've been there.

You are loved.
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Old 10-21-2002, 01:18 PM   #3
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King David felt the same way - many times. Read Psalm 31. I've been there too.

God has better plans for you - don't let Satan block your view.
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Old 10-21-2002, 06:25 PM   #4
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I guess anything I say will sound like a platitude..but I just wanted to reply.

Believe me, I've been there, and I still am, sometimes often. But God DOES love you. When you feel like everyone around you has forsaken you, and that even He has, He hasn't. Sometimes if you can't get to that place on your own, it helps to talk to someone-a professional or someone else that you trust.

God's love and peace to you
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Old 10-24-2002, 11:35 AM   #5
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I think God is not responsible.

He has given us free will.

Try to take a break. Do you have a bathtub? Prepare a bath with St. Johnīs wort. It may relax you and make you tired. You need some sleep. If you donīt find a way out, consult someone for help.

Take care of your body and your spirit. And of your mind.
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Old 10-24-2002, 11:34 PM   #6
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man, I have to say this is very interesting .It reminds me soooo much of Psalm 88, here is what The Message translation says

God, youre my last chance of the day
I spend the night on my knees before you
Put me on your salvation agenda
take notes on the trouble Im in
Ive had my fill of trouble
Im camped on the edge of hell
Im written off as a lost cause
One more statistic, a hopeless cause
Abandoned as already dead
one more body in a stack of corpses
And not so much as a gravestone-
Im a black hole in oblivion
Youve dropped me into a bottomless pit
sunk me in a pitch black abyss
Im battered senseless by your rage
relentlessly pounded by your waves of anger
You turned my friends against me
made me horrible to them
Im caught in a maze and cant find my way out
blinded by tears of pain and frustration
I call to you God, all day I call
I wring my hands, I plead for help
Are the dead a live audience for your miracles?
Does your love make any difference in a graveyard?
Are your marvelous wonders ever seen in the dark?
Im standing my ground God, shouting for help
at my prayers every morning, on my knees each daybreak
Why God, do you turn a deaf ear?
Why do you make yourself scarce?
For as long as I remember Ive been hurting
Ive taken the worst you can hand out, Ive had it
Your wildfire anger has blazed through my life
IM bleeding, black and blue
Youve attacked me fiercely from every side
raining down blows till Im nearly dead
You made lover and neighbor alike dump me
the only friend I have left is darkness

This was written by David to God, he made it through......you will too. The great thing that you have in common with David is that you both are turning to God, both totally authentic in your emotions and thoughts. Thats what I call having a real relationship with God. Its not always happy go lucky....please contact me if you ever want to talk

jlong03@pngusa.net
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Old 10-25-2002, 01:14 AM   #7
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thank you

thank you all so much. I still don't know which way is up and I still have far many more questions than answers. I dunno, it seems that some people are meant to suffer and struggle, perhaps to reap some benefit some day, Im starting to think that I am one of them. Each day I pray and beg God to stop the hurt that has been going on for months, it just seems to get worse. All of your kind words have made it a bit easier to take. Thank you all, I haven't given up yet.
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Old 10-25-2002, 02:08 PM   #8
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Re: thank you

Quote:
Originally posted by acadiashores
I haven't given up yet.
GREAT!!!

There is this Judas standing in one of my favourite churches, not the Judas who was a traitor to Jesus, no, the other one, the one to who you can pray to take all of your darkest away. Someone has made this figure out of wood, it has such a grim, real face, it is just incredible.

Believe me when, without any details, I tell you that I have been in a pretty bad shape sometime ago... hell is just around the corner, I know. Itīs strange though, if it would have continued like that, I would have done stupid things maybe.... my family helped me a lot. Donīt you have a family you can turn to? Or someone else?

Walk on. Iīm not sleeping...
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Old 10-25-2002, 02:46 PM   #9
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not really. That is part of the problem. It seems that people have just been sort of walking out of my life one after another. I lost my very best friend in the whole world not too long ago so Im pretty much all on my own. I'm still searching, still hoping, still trying and still praying....
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Old 10-25-2002, 04:13 PM   #10
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acadia, i dont want to get to personal, but if you want to talk, continue to posts your thoughts and probs here, I promise to respond and at least listen.....
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Old 10-26-2002, 08:18 PM   #11
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the world caved in on me today. I dont even have enough strength to keep trying. Id like to float away from here, from my life and from my own mind. It really feels like God hates me. Ive been told that God never gives us more than we can handle. Ive taken all I can take and I need something good to happen in my life to keep me hanging on. Im at the end of my rope and I really am desperately hanging on even though I honestly want to just let go. Please pray for me.
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Old 10-27-2002, 04:20 AM   #12
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Ah, come on. Youīre still hoping.

You know there is pretty many methods of floating away though. Why donīt you take some time for yourself? And just walk around in the nature, breathe fresh air, go to drink a tea at a place where there are people talking, listen to the sounds around, let the cold november sun shine into your hair, write everything down.

And take some time for yourself at your place, put on some classical music, it will give you comfort. Something of Mozart, you know, one of those innocent, clean sonatas. Put on a candle, listen to what the fire and your friend tell you, write it down.

If you need something good to happen, make it happen yourself. Just take some time for yourself, you know.

Find out what youīre about...
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Old 10-27-2002, 11:19 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally posted by acadiashores
the world caved in on me today. I dont even have enough strength to keep trying. Id like to float away from here, from my life and from my own mind. It really feels like God hates me. Ive been told that God never gives us more than we can handle. Ive taken all I can take and I need something good to happen in my life to keep me hanging on. Im at the end of my rope and I really am desperately hanging on even though I honestly want to just let go. Please pray for me.
Acadia, hello again...sorry to hear times are still tough. However its only time that can heal some wounds. I will keep you in my prayers for sure as I have been there. I am not sure exactally what your situation is but depression can creep into your very being without you knowing it. I know that things will turn around for you...(easy for me to say, right?) But if you dont believe that you will not make it. Here to listen....
EP
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Old 10-28-2002, 12:51 AM   #14
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I read this awhile ago and didn't know how to respond to it. I still don't. Just know that this confusion is part of life, sometimes it's what hurts and sometimes it's what makes life beautiful too. God does love you, God loves everyone, even the lowest of the low, but you have to have faith that His love will carry you through those times you are hurting. Good luck.
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Old 10-28-2002, 12:55 AM   #15
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oh and if you want to read a really beautiful book that may always be my favourite, try A Ring of Endless Light. I suggest it to everyone, it has something for everyone, and is full of more truth than anything I have ever read. God bless, hope you're feeling better...
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Old 10-28-2002, 10:52 PM   #16
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I am doing better. There are many stages to the loss process. One of which is anger and I have hit that stage tonight. It feels good not to blame just myself. I'm not angry at God for once either. I am just angry and it feels wonderful!
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Old 10-29-2002, 11:09 AM   #17
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Cool. Why donīt you take a plate or a cup (not your favourite) and smash it against the wall? Thats great, I can tell you. Pick up the pieces, throw them away, except for one which you keep. One that could cut you, but doesnīt cut you, because the cup is already broken.

Stay angry!
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