"The Addict" (misadventures of)

[For Honor]

I



...triggers...
.....t inside my brain and I fe...
...ke I* going insane, but y....
...know deep down that I...
...e you...
.....ause to me, well, it's just hard to s...
.......know I'm going down....
...I know I'm going down on this one...
............................................................... ...
.............t hurts so much...
....d your touch but I kno....
........I can't have that, and I can't have that, because I can't have thad....
....Yeah, I know I can't have that, I can't have that, have that that that that that...........
...and I feel....
......ke I* going insane, but y.....
...'ll never know wha....
............'m trying to say bec...
....because I'm an addict............

 

[ZeroDude]

Have you ever considered going into performance art?

 

[For Honor]

II

II



...triggers...
......p that switch....
...... .. ... ed you, bi....
....oRE?! That's right, ge..
....t on y....
.....t on y.....
.........st like a good little s....
..*GLARE* Hahahahaha...
... now just give me what I WANT....
...o much and I g....
......ave so much becaus....
....... and when you.....
.....it just....
....s my mind
....s my mind, it ........
....my mind.........
...oddammit I ......
.......oo much , this is alll to much but....
....ourse I want more....
............... ............ ..........loor....
..... heh, that's right y.....
.........o like a w...
..............o move yo.....
.....ft and right....
....ft and right.......
..................dDAMN y.....
....... so goo...
....... and it feels so good and it feels so good and it feels so good....
............cause it's all in my mind; it is all in my mind: it is all in my mind, do you know why?
...........'s your fault.....
...'s all you fa......
............bec................ ...... .............................
...and I feel....
......ke I* going insane, but y.....
...'ll never know wha....
............'m trying to say bec...
....because I'm an addict............

 

[For Honor]

Maybe, ZD....

But I can't stand that, most of the time........


SO I don't really know


================


What this is here, it's mostly the release that I can't have in real life. No one will know just what I'm talking about, even though I can paint it to seem like one thing or another. So I suppose I'm using "The Addict" as my own alter ego for a bit. Though Im ceratin that I have many alter egos........

 

[ZeroDude]

We all do, of course in a far more subtle way than say Bono parading as Macphisto or Bowie as Ziggy Stardust, we need the masks to feel comfortable.

 

[For Honor]

'' don't repeat the mistakes of your father before you, boy"

Is that gods message to me? Tonight, tonight I think it may be.


And this message is well noted in my mind..........


( III )

 

[For Honor]

IV

IV



...triggers...
......et me tell you st....
....a good one, I pro...
......... ..... I prom.....
..... so the GODHEAD com.....
.....mes down from the s...
................ees something, something from afa.....
........."fair" maiden.....
.............tipping the scales.....
.....y scales are tipped in her direc......
.................THE POWER OF CHRIST cannot sto...
........... ............ this insurrection.......
.......... she's so good, she's got what I ne......
......... t I can't s.......
.......................... sus the king? ..........
.......... you mean? ............
......... no, no, don't worry about thisthat....
............let me finish...... ................
........................... .......dhead's now down.........
........grounded as a bull....... .....
................hite bull........
..............hy wouldn't a majestic sight not invite?.........
..............................o she came........ .........
...ll make her come again ....... ..........
......................... .........ake a ride.....
.........ome with me across the ocean........
....ocean of time........
..................'only then can you belong to me' ; be mine.........
........ssion.... ...........
.............ause don't you know that .............
........ .. .......... .............eady yours........
.........but still I...........
..............................eel, I f.......
...and I feel....
......ke I* going insane, but y.....
...'ll never know wha....
............'m trying to say, bec...
....because I'm an addict............

 

[For Honor]

"Don't you like to see your father cry?"



( V )

 

[hiphop]

Good work.

 

[For Honor]

VI

VI



...triggers...
.....let me take a break, for a moment if you will allow me
I appreciate it...

Trick or treating?
So, he did.
I don't understand that either, do you?
Hmm...
But... last night -
Yeah, that's what I thought, too.
When he showed up hear, it was obvious that
Right...
Very emotional indeed
Too forgiving...
Pisces, yup.
Well like I've been telling him - gotta find someone more sensative.
Exactly. He'll always be my father, but, I've gotta look out for myself, too.

................

................................tttttt.....
....fsdammmit..
.......'findtheoneforyoufindtheoneforyoufindtheoneforyoufindtheoneforyou'.........
.......those words, no,typed letters.......
.............I'll never get them outof my head, I tell you......
........don't believe what you hear?
............don't believe what you see?
.........if you only......???
........................so, where's my sh....
......bbit, that is what I am....
.........ssociate withthat more than anything else, in a.....


.....yeah, yeah, you know how it ends-

" " "....because I'm an addict............ " " "

 

[For Honor]

VII

VII



Even Achilles would laugh



I see it taking shape within me, too
more so now, even as I write these words
As I read what was written before
It's in my blood

Slip, twitch flash knot
Cradle it
Around my neck, a noose
So tight she is in my mind

Can't end up like that
Not my old man...
Not him, not him in me;
I am to be different.

No matter where I look though...
...it remains the same...

Smooth
So smooth on the floor it lies
So very fine
Like that cat that it was from
Low as it can get right there
Absolutes
Absolutes....

I stop for a moment and ponder, really
How weak has this become?
This duality is killing it, it me.

There's nothing in this world I would give a care for
Except for the one thing that I would care to give it all for

But I don't want to end up like a puddle on the floor
this floor, or that floor, kitchen floor, dance floor

"One more, One more, One more; One more..."
Yes, I need to find a martyr for me
Yes I see
Yes... I see....


For no one could be more addicted than me.....
No one could have such a singular vulnerability in thee;
For no one could be more addicted than me.

....triggers........

 

[wizard2c]

reply

Are you okay, For Honor?

Absolut.....that is interesting though.....

carol
wizard2c

 

[ZeroDude]

This is probably the greatest piece of creative writing you've shared with us, thank you.

 

[For Honor]

I'm doing fine. This is just part of the cycle - you can't feel super pleasant all the time, that woulnd't be healthy. It's part of my nature to balance myself out now and then (I'm sure it it happens to everyone else, too). In addition do that, remember one of my sigs - "That's what dreams are made of"., etc?

Everything costs something, and it's not like the suffering I've felt is simply unfounded. But realistically, and for my own benefit, I've got to mimizes the sourse of that suffering. (as in, the essence behind my new signature).

It is nice to know that others can at least enjoy what it is that comes out here. I do not 'write' unless there is something that is actually agitating me. So yeah, it has been a while since I 'wrote' anything. And the way I'm doing it now, by redirecting things, it's very liberating, because I can discuss any aspect of 'this issue' here, but the produt is something, well, something a little different.

It is only within me to 'do' what I 'know', and that's why the cover of the addict is beneficial to me, because alot of these hidden or misleading subjects are actually very personal, and deeply effect my life. Especially so, because right now, "The Addict" side of me is in a real sticky situation

 

[For Honor]

VIII

VIII



...triggers...
.........disguise the truth as absurdity, andyou'll enjoy the warm company of others shared humor....
..........cling to the truth and tell others, you become forced into martyrdom and thus are exiled for breaking one off in the status quo......
...and I feel....
......ke I* going insane, but y.....
...'ll never know wha....
............'m trying to say bec...
....because I'm an addict............

 

[Lemonchick]

Re: VII

VII



Even Achilles would laugh



I see it taking shape within me, too
more so now, even as I write these words
As I read what was written before
It's in my blood

Slip, twitch flash knot
Cradle it
Around my neck, a noose
So tight she is in my mind

Can't end up like that
Not my old man...
Not him, not him in me;
I am to be different.

No matter where I look though...
...it remains the same...

Smooth
So smooth on the floor it lies
So very fine
Like that cat that it was from
Low as it can get right there
Absolutes
Absolutes....

I stop for a moment and ponder, really
How weak has this become?
This duality is killing it, it me.

There's nothing in this world I would give a care for
Except for the one thing that I would care to give it all for

But I don't want to end up like a puddle on the floor
this floor, or that floor, kitchen floor, dance floor

"One more, One more, One more; One more..."
Yes, I need to find a martyr for me
Yes I see
Yes... I see....


For no one could be more addicted than me.....
No one could have such a singular vulnerability in thee;
For no one could be more addicted than me.

....triggers........

Wow...that was amazing...

 

[For Honor]

I'm glad that people like it..... but..... I almost wonder what they see in it... But then again, I'm one of those people who never likes their own writing, unless it is a very very rare occasion

 

[For Honor]

IX

IX - addict's ease: play the song in your head

The Addict begins to settle down for the evening. A lingering song, from somewhere slightly unknown, floats into his head, and he figures 'why not?'. With minmal attention, he unwraps another mini-candy bar, a halloween treat from his dearest mother, and seeks to find the song in his head. Album cover. Downloaded, sure...
Though not a smashing pumpkins fan, this one song, and the following, 1979, seem to hold a place in his head.
Memories that don't seem to fade, because they were never real - dreamed up and created, they quite possibly can haunt for the eternal

SMASHING PUMPKINS - In The Arms Of Sleep Lyrics
Sleep will not come to this tired body now
Peace will not come to this lonely heart
There are some things I'll live without
But I want you to know that I need you right now
I need you tonite
I steal a kiss from her sleeping shadow moves
Cause I'll always miss her wherever she goes
And I'll always need her more than she could ever need me
I need someone to ease my mind
But sometimes a someone is so hard to find
And I'll do anything to keep her here tonite
And I'll say anything to make her feel alright
And I'll be anything to keep her here tonite
Cause I want you to stay, with me
I need you tonite
She comes to me like an angel out of time
As I play the part of a saint on my knees
There are some things I'll live without
But I want you to know that I need you right now
Suffer my desire
Suffer my desire
Suffer my desire for you

another.......
.......

..... another night of pillow hugging? .......
..... reduced to such pathetic things......
..... in the arms of sleep...........
..... sure, suffer my desire for you..........
..... what else is knew?
.....

..... goodnight

 

[For Honor]

X

X The Addict Comes To Power



Negative to Positive
Positive to Negative
I see the energy...
I see the energies....

Perhaps it is because I don't close my eyes
That I can now control this energy
I don't resist it any more
I allow it to carry me to new heights, heh.

17 years alone
Is not a life time
It's a course in education
How well can you learn it?

Lamenting, remorsing about this pain
Suffering from what I never held
Just a void in my mind that I created
Like the wounds in my side I put there with the Roman's I created

I come to this world and make it in my image
But why, in the name of love, and god, do I make people crucify me?
Since I know eveyrthing in my world, I don't know. But at least
I know that.

I suppose the truth is that I only made my mind think
And I didn't think with my mind about what I made
Only a fool uses words though.
I know, I know.

Let me be concise for a moment, so I can spare myself...


An addict's single mindness can make or break him.
It's never about what you have, merely how you use it.


now I just need to find someone I can exploit my weakness upon...
Endlessly, and relentlessly, heh heh heh.......



..........triggers.....................................