What the hell am I talking about?

[Hallucination]

By nature I'm a happy person. I laugh alot, I'm not depressed, I have plenty of friends, great family. I feel like I have a child like appreaciation for things that my friends seem to have lost, the small things amaze me as well as the big things. I've noticed alot that I think of things that my freinds don't. Things that just seem amusing or interesting but alot of the time they come across as "too grown up" to think that way. I think that's sad. Anyways I know I'm still a kid at heart but I'm not immature. In fact I'm one of the most mature people I know(bragging). Hmmm.. kinda rambling here. I know what I'm trying to say I'm just not saying it right.......

I guess even though I am a happy person I feel very jaded in life. I have a job in which every day is a struggle to wake up. The kicker is I'm a morning person but I have no desire to go get up durring the week. I ask myself "Who am I doing this for?" Shitty part is I don't know what I want to do. Money is a major issue for me. I don't have the luxury of quiting my job and trying to figure it out. It's not even just the job I hate, it's the fact that I don't have the time to do things I enjoy. It's work, work, work because it's a necessity. You get up, go to work, come home, shower, eat, go to bed repeat. I make a decent wage as a surveyor but trying to keep up with bills is killer. And it's not like I brought that on myself. I have no credit card filled with materialistic bills, in fact I have chossen never to own a credit card to this point. But bills like car payment, heat, electric, health care, phone, rent, everything adds up and I find my self living paycheque to paycheque. I'm going to New York next week for 7 days and only managed to save $325.00 Canadian for spending money. That's brutal. I just got my paycheque yesterday and today I have $33.00 left in which I can spend without dipping into my New York fund. What the hell is that? I haven't bought a new pair of jeans/pants in almost two years. New shoes? Not a chance. It's crazy. If I had a drug problem to finance then alright but I don't even smoke! I don't know. I'm just venting. That or I'm being a baby. I'm 27 and it feels like a midlife crises. It seems as if society today is geard for making happy people stressed out and jaded in life. Also I'd like to know why I have this "child like" personality in me when my friends don't seem to have it anymore. I relate to kids in a way that I know they don't. They(my friends) even acknowledge this. Shit I don't even know what that has to do with what I'm talking about. I think it has to do with a more carefree time maybe. Maybe I'm hanging on to that. I don't know. Actually I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about. I don't need to be carefree but I'm starting to feel the need to not be dragged down all the time. Like I said I am a happy person by nature but when a happy person starts becoming jaded towards day to day life, that's bad.

I know exactly how I feel and what I'm thinking but on this paticular topic I can't express it.

 

[For Honor]

Two things -


1 start being more honest with yourself. You're the only person who can answer questions. (about you).

2 Stop worrying so much about what makes you feel good and do what you think is best, or right. Happiness and sorrow are fleeting emotions, and I recommend getting down to what matters.

UNless, of course, you just want to "feel" happy.
If that's what you want, get into drugs. (sacastic recomendations)

There is plenty of false happiness going around.



note: I was intentionally cold this time, to offer you a perhaps unusual perspective.

 

[Got Philk?]

You know, to be honest, I feel your pain. I work at a little gym teaching little kids sports/gymnastics. As you can imagine, pay sucks and there are so many little things that I hate about this job I contemplate quitting often. But I don't know where to go, frankly, b/c I don't want to take a major job since I'm thinking I might be moving once my girlfriend is done with school this year and this is full time with benefits.

Money? Yah right. I spend too much of it as it is. With student loans, rent, utilities, other bills etc. I feel like I don't make enough to cover for all these plus food! I haven't bought new actual shoes forever(and you can tell by looking at my shoes), I live off of michelinas mac and cheese or cereal(or girlfriends family). And I'm known as a happy person too. Not to brag, I even got "employee of the year" at this job I don't like so much. Gosh, I know exactly what you're saying...

Advice from me? Once my girlfriend is done with school, I'm figuring out where we'll be and quitting that moment. So I probably can't help you. Unless you really want to explore some other options that might suit you better. I don't know...But you're not alone.

 

[Liesje]

Hallucination, I think I'm the same way sometimes. In general, I'm happy, I've never struggled with depression, I've never had anything traumatic happen to me, I have good jobs, I go to a good school, I have a good family, etc....but sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I'm not necessarily sad, just melancholy, like I'm on auto-pilot. I get up, go to class, work, go home and eat dinner, work another job, do homework, watch a TV show, go to bed. For a while when I first started college I felt glum a lot because I missed doing things for me, not selfish things like always having fun and spending money, but things that had meaning to me, like gymnastics. Then I started college and everything I did was to impress my parents, or professors, or to get some degree which would lead to some career and nothing felt like it had any direct effect on my life and my happiness. My money situation is also like yours. I've never owned a car, cell phone, or credit card and yet I'm already $40,000 in debt because of my education. I work multiple jobs and even while I'm in school full time, I'm working more hours making more money than my own mom and I feel like I'm barely living paycheck-to-paycheck.

I don't really know what advice to give, but as you can see, you're not alone. I try to just stop and do something special for myself every once in a while. This year it's the U2 concerts. My parents think I'm crazy, but I just tell them I've never gotten into ANY trouble, I've always had great grades, they've never had to worry about me since I moved out at 17 so it's really none of their business if I need to catcha few U2 shows to let off some steam.

 

[Hallucination]

I hear you guys. It's weird. I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels but for no reason. I don't know where I'm going at all yet I'm trying to go there. It's like running on a treadmill all day every day. For Honor I'm not too sure I know what you mean. Isn't happiness somthing to strive for? Sure it may be fleeting but isn't happiness what matters? And I'm not sure what you mean by being more honest with myself. If I'm honest with myself I'll tell myself to move on and just quit this job and skip town with little more than a backpack. I mean that's what I feel like doing 90% of the time. I love my friends but it seems like most of us are heading in completely different directions. Some are going down roads I don't agree with some are settleing based on easy comfort, some are dealing, some are doing for the sake of doing. YOu mentioned false happiness and I agree that there is a ton of that around. I see it everyday within my group of friends. It makes me mad that they are that way. Putting themselves in certain positions becasue it's expected of them. I feel like I need a whole new social life maybe. I don't know. It's just a weird time right now. The Portland show in December is gonna be great because it'll be just me going down there. 4 days of solitude from my normal life. I might just use this thread as my own personal outlet

 

[For Honor]

Go ahead and use this thread as a personal outlet.
Inadvertently, I've already got one, apparently....


I don't know, is happiness all that matters to you?
Don't mind my views of this, thogh...... It is something i can't quite explain yet. But it seems like people, well, people I see, are often too caught up in being happy. The "search". And because they look for it, think it is somewhere, or in something, they never quite get it, and are usually unhappy.


But that's more a.......... different subject, I think.

If I'm honest with myself I'll tell myself to move on and just quit this job and skip town with little more than a backpack. I mean that's what I feel like doing 90% of the time. I love my friends but it seems like most of us are heading in completely different directions. Some are going down roads I don't agree with some are settleing based on easy comfort, some are dealing, some are doing for the sake of doing.

You don't have to leave town in a back pack, but..... try to be as honest as possible. It just makes things easier, in my opinion. If your friends are just people you know, and not really people you're friends with, then don't worry about it so much. DOn't be afraid to be yourself, even if it means going it a lone in some ways.



Maybe you do need a new social life, atmostphere. A shedding of skin.

Maybe you should move out of town or something? I really don't know. But take some time and be honest with yourself. I wouldn't advise instant gratification, or escapism, or worrying about emotions too much. Think about what is right, what you want, what your values are, etc. What matters most to you.

and then go from there about right and wrong.



-----------


But..... I almost want to say that my words might not be applicable. I can't really tell where you are coming from yet, or what you are really asking as a question. Or did you just want to see if anyone else felt the way you do?

 

[girlhappy]

Hallucination, i can tell you, i do understand how you feel. It is very well expressed in the song of Placebo :"Slave to the wage".
I felt that way at times. Now, when i am looking for a job, it is a bit different struggle,but still: i think it is extremly important to find fulfilling job. Fight for it!"That would be my advice,you are way too young to stop searching.

 

[For Honor]

I do not disagree with girlhappy at all.


But..... is this really about your job?
I'm just unclear as to what really is the issue.