The Death of Pepo (and why can't he reborn?)

[pepokiss]

I'll try to make this short... and readable


For a few months I've been talking to a girl by Messenger... she's 20 and has a baby girl... I'm 22 and never had a girlfriend...

By Msn, we started eventually to call each othe boyfriend and girlfriend... and after my birthday I went to see her... imagine I live in Miami and she in Orlando (I don't know if that's good enough)... another city, another "state", 2 hours away, another life.

But that weekend we couldn't get to see each other.. and we got to ge togueter one night, at 10:30, but like at 11 I fianly could talk to her so she could tel me she couldn't


I was pissed, but yet again, I went there and never told her until I was there


we go back to last week... a 4 day weekend was coming here, and I decided that if there was a time to do this, it was now...
But when I told her, it was all fine, but it had to be on friday... a day that I had class until late, around 7 pm the class STARTS... "but what abopuit saturday?" I asked her, and she tolds me that she had to stay in home. "I can go there" I said (the devil in me was raging), but she said "Edo will be pissed".. who's edo?... her boyfriend... they got together recently... and he's the father of the girl. Of course, I was pissed, in part because of that, and in part because she never told me.

The next day we talked again, and though I let her know that I was somewhat pissed, I tyold her that I'd still go, and on friday we will meet

I go there (fighting everyone, I wanted to get there)... and we eventually get together on a disco

and guess what...

besides being with a cousin of her (25, married and 2 kids... ), she practically gives me no attention whatsoever... you know how it's that... all the time looking somewhere else, looking other people, drinking something... I wasn't on a good noight either, I hadn't slept that much, got up around 6:30, all day moving with a big bagpack, and I was nervous... didn't know what to tell her or ask her... I had nothing to say. At one point I ask her "well, how've you being?", and she says "fine.. here, dancing"...

and that's that...

nothing else for the rest of the night.. that lasted like 1 hour more... they wanted me to go buy a drink, but I wanted to talk to her... they both went... I was alone... htey came back, htey didn't have the money, I gave them 2.000 oesos (not that much, but still), then, my friend so a firend of her's, they hugged (like 15 feet from me), and they went to the bathroom, the cousin followed... with both their jackets... I knew thety weren't coming back... but I stood there 5 morte minutes... last chance... I had had it, and left (BTW, by the door, they were dancing)



this part is kinda stupid, but it'll give you a clue of how my mind was before the trip, and how it works, but, if you don't want, dont read (specially if you're a woman):

I was having lunch at McDonalds, and I had a ketchup "sachet" that didn't used... me, in my man head, had some kind of thoughts, about "what if this goes really well?"... and I was watching the ketchup... and thought "maybe, if we get to have sex, I could use this"... and thought different scenarios, like putting ketchup in (and being nice here) suckable areas of both her and my body


now, you can read...

so, I was walking down the street, thinking "am I too short, too child-like (I look a lot younger that I am), am I too ugly" (somthing that haunts me ), and saw this ketchup sachet I had on a pocket and said.. "this is it!", I squashed it and proclaimed THE DEATH OF PEPO

The thing was to never be the same, to talk to women, but not fall in love for any crapness, specially by Msn, and to never, NEVER do the thing I did, which was giving a second chance, because I never got that too

to make it simple: Being me wasn't working at all... for 22 years... so now it's time to not being me, to kill me and be another me...

almost like George Costanza



while I still can't figure it out how to work with this, I've been crankier, yet more open to things...

but, yesterday, Pepo was born again... and I don't want that to happen.

I was on a club, watchiong a friend play... it was all brit pop, you know, Placebo and The Cure are gods to this people... Im more a rock and roll guy, but I still was there, on a red hodded jacket (like Bono on the SYCMIOYO video), and all the rest was... well, black

so, there I was, watching and all, and there were 4 girls infront of me, and this girl (cute, short brown hair, green jacket, but still, brit pop) just keep on watching behind her, over her shoulder... I was there... we saw each other too many times... to the eyes.. sometimes I watched her, sometimes the oposite (I think), I played around, moving from left to right to see where she was llooking.. and as I moved, she also turend her head the opossite... where I was... I went to the bathroom, I stoped and watched her from the wall, she saw me, I laughed because it was more and more obvious...


but long story short... I wanted to talk to her, I had to, I was going to say that unless I'm crazy, we've look each other enough to ask her her name and if I could meet her at all...

but everytime she went talking on the phone or the phone I just couldn't do it.. I can't abord women... even if you can say I was going a winner in here...

eventually she left, I kinda hessitated, and went to, after here... but she was gone...

that's a metaphore or an example of me... and more reasons why being me isn't helping, and more proof that I can't get ride of me...




THIS SUCKS... I SUCK...

generally I love me, but I'm an idiot... everyone's happy... except me, and it looks I can't fix that

 

[Screwtape2]

Women

I can relate to how you feel pepokiss. Most guys feel the way you do now. I've always been the guy who girls like but only as a friend. Sometimes girls give me the 'no' look when I seem interested. I am thankful that I've never had an experience like in your first story, though. I really feel for you over that. Rejection is sometimes worse than not trying. Hope you have luck in the future.

 

[unforgettableFOXfire]

It's important to understand, too, that MSN isn't real life, and that it takes people time to adjust from 'here I am, looking at a computer monitor' to 'here I am, face to face with somebody I've never seen before but have tons of history with'. It's a weird experience which not everyone adapts to quickly; some don't adapt to it at all, and sometimes you'll try to make the transition and find out that the way you want things to be and the way things are just cannot be reconciled. It sucks hard that she didn't really make an effort to talk to you, and ended up ditching you without saying anything; but look at it this way: you figured out something important about her, a way in which you're incompatible. You didn't expect her to treat you that way, and you wouldn't have treated her the way she treated you, and yet here you are, having come through it discovering that she's not all she was made out to be. Now, maybe things are different from her side, maybe you did things you shouldn't have, I couldn't say, but from what you've said I think its probably for the best that things didn't work out unless you want to be treated that way all the time.

I'm not even going to touch the ketchup thing, except to say that I've read it, and have no idea how to address that with tact. It's good that you want to change yourself into who you want to be, and that you aren't saying 'I want to be like such and such' -- don't try to be other people, just be yourself and find ways to make who you are work for you.

It isn't easy to just up and talk to strangers in a club, but I think you'll find if you can take a big breath, walk up and say 'hi', that the rest will follow. Try not to preoccupy your mind with anxieties of 'what-if this' or 'what-if that'. Worrying scarcely accomplishes anything, and will just make you feel worse if your anxiety disables you mentally. As long as you can get through a conversation as though she were a friend or acquaintence, you'll probably do alright. Be confident in yourself, as though you have the ability to just walk away at any time if things aren't going well -- because you do. If you screw things up, don't worry about it, and try again. Many people who are successful socially aren't blessed with social graces, they just bang away at it until something works for them, and they don't give up until they get what they want. If social interaction is something you crave, it isn't going to come to you, you have to seize the opportunity and make conversations for yourself.

 

[BonosBaby12]

It's important to understand, too, that MSN isn't real life, and that it takes people time to adjust from 'here I am, looking at a computer monitor' to 'here I am, face to face with somebody I've never seen before but have tons of history with'. It's a weird experience which not everyone adapts to quickly; some don't adapt to it at all, and sometimes you'll try to make the transition and find out that the way you want things to be and the way things are just cannot be reconciled. It sucks hard that she didn't really make an effort to talk to you, and ended up ditching you without saying anything; but look at it this way: you figured out something important about her, a way in which you're incompatible. You didn't expect her to treat you that way, and you wouldn't have treated her the way she treated you, and yet here you are, having come through it discovering that she's not all she was made out to be. Now, maybe things are different from her side, maybe you did things you shouldn't have, I couldn't say, but from what you've said I think its probably for the best that things didn't work out unless you want to be treated that way all the time.

I'm not even going to touch the ketchup thing, except to say that I've read it, and have no idea how to address that with tact. It's good that you want to change yourself into who you want to be, and that you aren't saying 'I want to be like such and such' -- don't try to be other people, just be yourself and find ways to make who you are work for you.

It isn't easy to just up and talk to strangers in a club, but I think you'll find if you can take a big breath, walk up and say 'hi', that the rest will follow. Try not to preoccupy your mind with anxieties of 'what-if this' or 'what-if that'. Worrying scarcely accomplishes anything, and will just make you feel worse if your anxiety disables you mentally. As long as you can get through a conversation as though she were a friend or acquaintence, you'll probably do alright. Be confident in yourself, as though you have the ability to just walk away at any time if things aren't going well -- because you do. If you screw things up, don't worry about it, and try again. Many people who are successful socially aren't blessed with social graces, they just bang away at it until something works for them, and they don't give up until they get what they want. If social interaction is something you crave, it isn't going to come to you, you have to seize the opportunity and make conversations for yourself.

Very well said