Question for Married Folks, or anyone with a opinion I guess

[fly so high!]

Chez, pick a weekend and we'll come around and do your pavers. You got road base laid?

: bbq :

Awwwww! You are a gem.......
BUT we need the SMALL *you-hear-that-hubby* SMALL-TENNY-WEENY-FIVE-BRICK-HIGH- RETAINING-WALL-BUILT-FIRST before we can do the paving.

We are getting help from my brother-in-law and my Daddy.....this is happening next week in regards to the the wall, a working bee with the paving sounds grand.

 

[Angela Harlem]

excellent. we just need a diamond blade cutter-idgit, and some snags for the barbie.

 

[BEAL]

You see....it's this particular statement that gets my crawl every time. I am left wondering who does your washing and general duties around the home.

Without kids and without work.......housework can still be hard to keep up with....... WITH work it's REALLY hard....(maybe this is the reason, why she finds work difficult at this time, because your wife was prolly sick and tired of going to work and STILL coming home to WORK while you go off and do your thing! That's all great....and like me (my hubby is a Kung-Fu instructor....so you can understand why i find this extraordinary, that i found this thread interesting to me!) she knew the deal when you guys got married...but i really do think that after time it can really wear you down and you find yourself getting bugged by stuff)

.........NOW.......ADD KIDS.......well holy-shit......i felt myself boiling over at the most ridicolous things, like the toilet roll not being put on the roller right and him not using f**** AIR-FRESHNER!!! Maybe your wife is visualising all this.....she maybe thinking, my hubby can't cope when i am having a brain snap now, how the f*** is going to help when the kids come along.

I think your wife definately is thinking about wanting kids right now.....and she is shit scared about the future because she thinks she is going to do this all on her own.

Maybe, maybe not. We don't live in a house. We live in a 900 sq ft townhome. Chores take 1 hour, maybe 1 1/2 hour if you decide to mop the kitchen floor.

Part of the deal with her quitting her job was that she was going to take care of the home. When we were both working, on the weekends we would split the chores between upstairs and downstairs, and I would usually do the bathrooms.

I've tried to do a better job of putting my dishes away when I'm done using them. I'm not alone in that I sometimes forget to take my empty bowl to the sink after eating out of it. But it's not like I leave it on the ground.

As for as going off to do my own thing...how is it any different than her going to the gym? She just has all day to do it. When she was working, she would go after work. I've told her that if she needs me to do something, I will do it. I will also ask if it's something that needs to be done NOW versus when I get home.

My wife wants kids right now because she feels worthless compared to her sister and brother, both who have just had kids within the past few months. She feels that since she is the oldest of the family, she should have been the first to get married, the first to have kids, etc.

To me, that's a fudged up reason to want kids right now. What happened with her siblings is just life.

I'm not going to get berated and yelled at because I don't share that same view.

I will continue to do my tkd because I LOVE IT. Of course if a family event or something comes up, I always chose family. She knew this prior to getting married with me, and she didn't have a problem with it. If it was a problem, then I really feel she should have brought it up beforehand. I am also an instructor, and I teach the beginner (white belt) classes on Tuesday and Thursday, then I stick around for the adult class. Again, this was going on before I met my wife.

I can give on guys night out, or golfing. I will never give on tkd. Again, if we did have a child, I would cut my tkd down. I've told her that, and she'll have to take my word. What else can I do? If I don't keep to my word, then that's a serious problem.

I feel I have a good record with keeping my word with my wife, so I don't think she has anything to worry about.

 

[martha]

Please please please don't even consider having children right now. Please.

Your wife is incapable of dealing with you; kids and their "demands" would send her over the thin edge she's skating on.

What you're doing doesn't sound unreasonable. It's the same as you were doing before you got married. She knew what the package was before she opened it. So did you, though. In fact, you keep selecting those same kinds of women. Something else to bring up to your counselor.

 

[fly so high!]

What you're doing doesn't sound unreasonable. It's the same as you were doing before you got married. She knew what the package was before she opened it. So did you, though. In fact, you keep selecting those same kinds of women. Something else to bring up to your counselor.

I am assuming with the above comment you and Beal know each other more than just a stranger giving a point of veiw on a forum.

It also sounds like to me that you have a slight dis-like to Mrs Beal...... "you keep selecting those same kinds of women"..... what kind of woman is that, I'm curious.

I have know idea what type of a man Beal is except for what i can gather using this thread.......I have know idea about his wife except for what i can gather using this thread....all i know is i am relating to her.....weird.....I know.

Because if it was not for money, i would have quit my job too....why? Because i am stressed....got too much on my plate.
I know this is what every other single family out there goes through, that this is normal every day life.......but the reality is i am not (like Mrs Beal) NOT COPING!

I agree however that the mere thought of children right now is not a smart thing to do....although Mrs Beal's behaviour...she may very well be on the way....pregnancy and PMS'ing can be brutal (especially on the partner) emotionly.

I don't think squashing her desire for children because she is only thinking about it 'cause her brother has one is a great idea either. Did she actually tell you that's the reason she wants kids or are you assuming this idea yourself. I have no idea how old you guys are....so i don't know if there might be a want to have kids before the clock starts ticking madly!

 

[martha]

I am assuming with the above comment you and Beal know each other more than just a stranger giving a point of veiw on a forum.

Nope. But reread the thread carefully. Beal's own admission is that he's attracted to troubled women.

I don't think squashing her desire for children because she is only thinking about it 'cause her brother has one is a great idea either. Did she actually tell you that's the reason she wants kids or are you assuming this idea yourself. I have no idea how old you guys are....so i don't know if there might be a want to have kids before the clock starts ticking madly!

You really need to reread the thread carefully. This woman has had issues for a very long time, childhood really. And bringing a child into a troubled marriage is a stupid idea. If one partner is talking seperation, and the other one is talking kids, that's a screwed place for an infant to be.

 

[BEAL]

We're both 28 years old.

My wife has had a troubled childhood and throughout her whole life, most of it can be attributed to her parents divorce. Why did they divorce? Her mother felt that her husband didn't spend enough time with her and the family. Dad was always at school, he was a teacher, and was a coach of multiple sports.

So yeah, there are parallels. Big difference, we don't have kids. Also, I'm home every night, he was not. My wife has told me that her mother regrets the divorce, and she was foolish for breaking them up. Live and learn I guess.

My wife has actually said to me "I SHOULD have been the one to get married. It should have been me having kids first, I'm a failure".

It's this type of attitude which has put her on medication. Has she done better, yes, a little bit, but it is better. It's also this type of attitude that scares me having her around kids. Would our kids be this way? Just as she's scared I'd be golfing or tkding every fuggin night, I'd be scared my daughter would think she's a fat ass at 5'8'' and 115 lbs.

Am I perfect? Other than my looks, not by a long shot Seriously though, what I've described here is how it is. Of course it's just my side of the story, and it's the internet so take it for what it is. I just created this post to vent some frustration as opposed to keeping it inside where it'd probably just hurt me mentally and physically.

My wife has even said to me that she wishes I wouldn't have given the OK to quit her job. That I should have put up more of a stand.

As I've said pages ago, I can contribute to her happiness (or sadness), but I am not responsible for it. I am trying my best to be a good husband and a good friend to her, but I will not give everything up to make sure we can watch TV together.

Our counselor gave my wife a task to come up with 5 things to do. These things need to be something she wants to do, regardless of how I feel about them. Then we go and do them together. Of course this has to be within limits. Still waiting on her to come up with the list.

Things have gotten a little better as I said before, as I really haven't vented too much lately, more just described my situation. I hope it keeps getting better.

 

[Shag On A Rock]

Do you/your counsellor put a time line on these things? eg come up with a fun activities list by Friday? Get a new job by December? Something? Some kinda goals?

You mentioned your wife was into her church, has she spoken to the reverand/minister/father etc? Maybe coming at the same problem from a different angle might shed some light on the problem.

Is she a perfectionist? Is she upset with herself because everything didnt happen the way she dreamed it would? Does she handle failure well? Does she encourage failure? etc. Maybe if you can work out what makes her tick you can assist her to unknot her pain.

Is she interested in learning martial arts too? Can you go together? Can you play golf together? Sometimes physical exercise can assist in reducing depression.

And hobbies, yeah. Gotta get some hobbies. What about scrapbooking? Its good practice for when the kids do come along and theres hundreds of photos to do something with. Plus it can be done in a social setting if she goes to an all night crop etc. What did she do with her time before she met you? Has she lost some hobbies that can be picked up again?

 

[fly so high!]

Am I perfect? Other than my looks, not by a long shot Seriously though, what I've described here is how it is. Of course it's just my side of the story, and it's the internet so take it for what it is. I just created this post to vent some frustration as opposed to keeping it inside where it'd probably just hurt me mentally and physically.

Fair enough.......and i really do hope the best for you both....you are doing the best thing by going to counselling.....something my husband and I prolly should be thinking about.

I'm not sure if it will help, but i will disclose a few of the feelings that i'm/i've had/have experiencing.

I feel i am not appreciated........I get no thanks for washing his underwear or making sure he has a clean shirt to wear everyday for work including having his Kung-Fu gear ready on his class nights. Or even reminding him that it's HIS mum's B'day this w/end. ( I did not realise when you get married, hubby's suddenly have severe memory loss and the complete inability to work out what to buy fo their loved-ones )

I feel lonely.......I know he is busy, so am i...but sometimes i want company, even if it's just vegging in front of the telly and quite and boring....it's still company, and you are more likely to strike up a convo if they are around.

Don't feel important to him........all i want is a backyard and a oven that works.....but he is too busy with other stuff to get these things done. Stuff that is important to HIM only, not to me. He won't listen to me....however when a friend suggests the same thing he would take head of it.

Anyhoo, somethings there to think about what might be happening with your wife. I know this is very common in all marriages and we have been married for 9 years now. I don't want our marriage to go down the drain, i'm sure you don't want that either for you. Goodluck.

 

[BEAL]

My wife is a perfectionist, and so am I to a certain extent. I've gotten used to failure, and I actually have learnt how to accept it...you can' t learn or grow without failure.

My wife hates sports, so she doesn't like to do them with me. She did do tkd with me for a couple of months, but she felt she wasn't good enough and quit. she talks about rejoining again, but I'm not going to put any pressure on her.

She does love scrapbooking, and I just purchased some sort of iRemember software for our iMac. Once I get it installed, that should take up some of her time....especially if she gets a job it would be a neat little hobby to do after work or late at night.

She doesn't have a church right now that she is comfortable with. So she's been searching for that.

Our conselor put a timeline of having her "5 Things" by our next session which is on the 1st of the month. So yes, still time, but maybe it's just me, but I don't think she's taking it seriously.

I know my wife feels lonely, and her reasoning is that she's at home by herself all day, and then most of the night. She wishes she could do more to take care of me, but she feels I don't want her to do that.

To me that's where we get a little mixed up. I try to do as much as I can to make sure she's happy, and so far that's not working. She feels she can't do enough to make me happy, which is false.

Until we learn a sort of balance, we'll continue to struggle. Nobody said marriage is easy (although why the fuck does it have to be this hard????).

She will decide on her offer this Monday, and I personally hope she takes it. I really want to see how her attitude (and ours) could change when she has something to do.

 

[martha]

My wife has even said to me that she wishes I wouldn't have given the OK to quit her job. That I should have put up more of a stand.

Then she would give you shit for making her keep a job she didn't like.

She really needs to be responsiblke for herself, and for her own happiness.

 

[martha]

I feel i am not appreciated........I get no thanks for washing his underwear or making sure he has a clean shirt to wear everyday for work including having his Kung-Fu gear ready on his class nights. Or even reminding him that it's HIS mum's B'day this w/end. ( I did not realise when you get married, hubby's suddenly have severe memory loss and the complete inability to work out what to buy fo their loved-ones )

I feel lonely.......I know he is busy, so am i...but sometimes i want company, even if it's just vegging in front of the telly and quite and boring....it's still company, and you are more likely to strike up a convo if they are around.

Don't feel important to him........all i want is a backyard and a oven that works.....but he is too busy with other stuff to get these things done. Stuff that is important to HIM only, not to me. He won't listen to me....however when a friend suggests the same thing he would take head of it.

You can't change him, you can only change the way you respond to him. It sounds like you guys could benefit from some counseling as well.

 

[BEAL]

Well, a bit of a turn this week.

Wife thinks it may be better if we just head for splitzville. I'm not really even fighting it really.

She came up to me the other night before bed time and we had a talk about everything. Bottom line was this:

1. She feels that I would be happier doing my own thing. She feels that is the impression I give her, since in her eyes, I haven't really given anything up for the relationship (is that a requirement????). She says I still act the same way I did as a single guy, and it's hurtful to her.

My response was, ARE YOU F'N CRAZY????? Let's see, I give up my pets, and the prospect of pets going forward (she was iffy on a dog). With proper consideration, I gave the OK for her to quit her job and take a break before school, therefore being the sole provider in the family. Anything within reason was given to her. She told me she appreciates me working and allowing her the time off, but I need to do more things like housework, less golf, less football, less everything really.

It's not worth fighting. I'm completely numb, and it's the same fucking argument over and over. We don't seem to be making any gains.

2. She feels that she is walking on egg shells anytime she wants to go out or do something. She feels that both of us can't really be ourselves without upsetting each other.

This one I agree with. I used to have some serious anxiety issues early on in our relationship (nearly 18 months ago). I went to counseling, and it improved. Even she admitted it. I have been trying to get her out of the house with her friends for the past 2 months. I trust her, but she still reverts to past issues. Yet when she shows any jealousy at all, some how the irony is lost on her. Of course this stuff doesn't happen often at all, but when it does it seems to be a big deal. Almost seems like the roles have reversed from when we first met, to how we are now.

And as far as me acting like a single guy, this doesn't mean I flirt with women. It means that I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want. Which again, to me, is a lie.

I told her that I feel like I'm walking on egg shells the minute I walk in the door due to her depression. If I say, "Honey, what's going on this weekend" she'll immediatly jump on me stating I'm going to ask to go golfing, or do something else. I told her that was B.S. because I'm a person who likes to have a plan. Doesn't mean I'll follow it, but I like to know what's going on. So instead of it being a harmless question, it gets treated like I'm trying to get away from her.

And yes, I do ask that question when I'm invited to go play golf. It's better than me saying, "Honey, I'm playing golf, do we have anything going on?". And of course if we do have something going on, I turn down golf. And to give some perspective, since May 24th (the first day I golfed this year, and in many years for that matter), I have played golf 9 times this year. 2 of those were on a Wednesday afternoon that I took off from work, so I was home around the same time as when I normally get off work. So I dont' want to give the idea that I'm golfing every single day. So 7 times in 4 months. I know guys that golf 7 times during the week. Of course, what is a small amount to one person, is a large amount to another (my wife).

So yeah, not really sure where I'm at right now. If I had to put a percentage, I'd say 80% we're through. I think the description of being numb is accurate. Will I hurt more? I think so, but probably after everything is final and she's out.

I talked to her last night about what happens next, if we do decide to go down this path. She got pretty emotional when I told her about how we need to sit down and talk about who gets what.

Of course if there was ever a "easy" divorce, ours might be one. She has told me she doesn't want allimony. And even if she did, I think it'd be a waste of her time. We've been married for 8 months. A judge in Iowa is going to look at what each person brought into the marriage, and what they contributed, and what they should get back.

My wife had a job when we got married. Quit because she was tired of working, and now she has a job again (starts next week). My wife had her student loans and car loan prior to meeting me.

90% of the furniture is hers. I had to get rid of most of my stuff because of the cat dander. Some might be slapping their heads right now, but it was really time for me to get new stuff anyway. I told her I would want the sofa, as it'll be my makeshift bed for a while. So after it's all said and done, I'll have my TV, PS3, Sofa, and Boflex. Pretty sweet pad huh?

I am a little concerned about any feedback her family might give her, but I have no control over that. I think we'll discuss this more at our next counseling session, but I'm already of the idea that I will go ahead and pay for the lawyer if we're both going to agree on how we split things up.

This all really sucks, and just goes to show how weird life is. 5 months ago I wouldn't have thought this would happen. Then bam, wife goes into depression, I become more distant, and she becomes more needy (and of course I'm sure I do some things to her that annoy or bug her).

I'm afraid of how my parents will react. I know they're going to do the whole "We told you so bit", as they always feel they know best *After something bad happens, they always say I should have just listened to them to begin with, regardless if they knew about it prior*.

As for me, I'll survive. My therapist that I saw for a while prepared me for things like this. This is not the end of the world if I lose my wife. It's just an experience that I will need to get through. I do have a decent bunch of friends, and I have an outlet in my martial arts that allows me to work off stress, and in a way that benefits me....which is punching and kicking the crap out of things.

I don't want to lose my wife, but another part of me is just tired of going through this every week. Now that she's talking about ending it, I'm thinking it may be the best thing. I guess it's better to end something before it really gets bad.

 

[martha]

I'm so sorry Beal. I really am. It's got to hurt. It's all I have so here's a

 

[joyfulgirl]

I've been following this thread and I feel sad. You sound like a really thoughtful person who has tried to view the situation from every angle possible. I'm so sorry.

 

[BEAL]

I know it's got to come off as "one side to the story", but all I can do is tell my side. I'm sure if she could post in here things would be presently differently, but I'm positive there would be one big central theme.

The thing is, if we're going to do this, I don't really want to mope around and push it off for months. I would like to get this done asap.

The fact that we're even discussing this leads me to believe it's going to happen. I know you can overcome just about anything, but I don't know if we can get through this. Bringing up divorce is not something you can just do and then move on.

Honestly, nothing really hurts right now. It's more stress of not knowing what's going to come next. I know it will hurt once I see a empty town home.

Just can't seem to win with women. I made some poor choices in my past, but my wife really seemed different. I've done the live with a girl for 2+ years, didn't work. I did the lets date but not spend too much time together...didn't work. With my wife, it just felt great any time we were together...and this lasted well over a year. I just want to know what went wrong. It could even really be all my fault, but closure to me means a lot.

I should really just stick to what works....PORN. Feelings don't really get in the way

We're supposed to go over to her mother's on Friday, and I don't want to go. Not when we're feeling like this. Kind of feels fake to me. Probably won't come as a shock to most of them.

It's sad, but gotta trust me in that I'll be A-OK.

 

[Marien]

Beal, I don't know you, but let my tell you something from my own experience: love is not an easy thing, if you want it to stay with you, you need a lot of compromising, you'll have to move a little bit and she'll have to do the same, you need to speak about your problems, but try to use an assertive way, that is, don't put the blame of your feelings on her, but really, tell her how you are feeling and get her to do the same, you both must take your own responsibilities, you're a married couple now, you aren't two friends dating and spending the night together, it implies a very higher level of commitment in between you. She can't expect you to give up your hobbies, but, honestly, 5 nights a week would be too much for me, you need time to build you relation up, loves leaves very easily if you don't work very hard on it. I don't believe is something magical that subsist out of thing air. Please think about it.

 

[Kiki]

I should really just stick to what works....PORN. Feelings don't really get in the way

yeah...because THATS going to help things. I'll tell you right now, you let that get in the way of your marriage at this point, then you're not just adding fuel to the fire....you're burning it down to a crisp yourself.

Marriage isn't easy, it's not meant to be. You have to give and take and it's not EVER going to be in equal measurements.

 

[BEAL]

Jesus fucking christ it's a joke.

And it's not 5 fucking nights a week, it's 3. And it's not even that really. This week will make it 3 nights, and it's the first time in a while. I went 2 times last week, and 0 times the week before.

I try my best to make it 3 nights, and at the very least 2 nights as I teach classes those on those two.

This wasn't a problem before we were married, and it was never even discussed. In fact, it was always "Why aren't you at tkd tonight when I didn't go".

I understand you're just giving your opinions, but it's not like I'm coming home after midnight.

Also, I work in IT, which means there are nights where I have to work late at the office, and there are times where I can't really go out for a drink, and of course out of town because of my on call. Lucky the past few months have been fairly quiet.

I understand about compromise. And I do speak my mind to her. I've asked her what she has compromised for this relationship, and her only answer is her "last name".

She knew getting into this relationship that I'm big on sports. When we don't have anything planned and a game is on tv, I will ask if it's OK to watch. Besides getting down on my knees and begging, what else am I supposed to do?

If I have friends asking me to go out, whether it be golf, or for a beer. If I look at our schedule and I don't see anything going on, I still call to make sure it's OK.

I feel that I have put her first on nearly everything I do. And I've told her this. She disagrees. What is really tough is coming home and seeing that she's still in her pajamas and curled underneath a blanket. I asked her how her day went, and I get the usual...OK.

I've told her many times that I feel it would be benefical for her to get a job or at least something to occupy her time. She finally started interviewing a few weeks ago, and accepted a offer for a clinic. Of course she has quit 4 clinics in the past 2 years, but who knows maybe this will be the one that works.

She quit culinary school one week before it started because she felt it wasn't going to do her any good. Fair enough. She then enrolled at another college for some Public Health degree (masters). She quit that because their online courses weren't compatible with a iMac.

I offered to go out and buy a simple little windows laptop, but she said if it's going to be this much hassle, it's not worth doing.

Everyone is going to react differently to situations like this, but to me I'm fed up with it. She knows it, and she doesn't care. She did care enough to get another job, but deep down I doubt how long she will last at this job just by judging her past.

And now tonight I come home, and we start talking about our future and I ask the question, Do you want me to look into getting a lawyer?

She says "I don't know". She feels we should work on things more, but she feels that I don't want to do it. So now it's all on me. The past two nights I've been told that it's probably for the best we break up. Now I'm being told "I only said that because I thought it's what you want".

Bullshit. I'm not stupid. You don't say something like that without really wanting it yourself, otherwise you would say "I don't think YOU want this to work".

So now she wants to work things out. Of course I'm willing to try, but I'd be fucking lying if I said I wasn't a little bit pissed off. I don't want to be put in some "it's on, it's off" every month thing. Just cause I'm a dude doesn't mean my emotions don't get hurt or that I like to be played with.

End of Rant!

 

[PJW]

I’m not going to comment on your relationship with your wife – as you have said, this is your version of events happening between two people. What I do feel I can comment on is depression. I don’t think you really understand (and I hope you never do since I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy) how completely screwed-up her thought processes are thanks to this illness. I have suffered from it on and off for many years, and know that you can sit there and one tiny part of your brain can be saying ‘you’re being stupid’, but the other part, the depressed part, takes complete control.

Everyone is going to react differently to situations like this, but to me I'm fed up with it. She knows it, and she doesn't care.

Bullshit. I'm not stupid. You don't say something like that without really wanting it yourself, otherwise you would say "I don't think YOU want this to work".

I understand your frustration in dealing with her, but in reality she really does think that you are better off without her. What she’s thinking probably goes something along the lines of “nobody would want to spend time with me because I’m useless, worthless, boring, stupid, etc” so when you go to tkd that is reinforced “see, I knew he didn’t like spending time with me”. When you offer to stay home, she probably thinks “he’s only doing this because he feels sorry for me”. Everything, and I really do mean EVERYTHING that you say and do is filtered through her perception that she isn’t worthwhile, etc, and this is the depression talking. It doesn’t matter what happened to cause the depression, this is the end result.

I agree that going back to work will help her on some level. The other thing you should try and understand is that because she feels worthless and useless, when she tries something and doesn’t get it straight away, or doesn’t like it straight away, those messages are being reinforced. I think you mentioned perfectionist tendencies, which adds to the problem big time (I’m speaking from lots of experience here). This is why she tries something and quits the minute any obstacle is put in her path.

I’m just trying to give you some idea of how very badly thinking and reasoning is affected by this illness, so that maybe you can understand that sometimes she’s just not going to make any sense to you. Maybe you need to encourage her to get her medication sorted out so it starts working better for her, and then it is possible that counselling will start to make a bigger difference too.

 

[BEAL]

Oh, I agree with everything you have just said. In fact, I've heard it directly from my wife's mouth.

She knows she shouldn't feel this way, she just does. She has made the statement "Always have, always will".

She just recently had her dosage upped, but she wants to get off of it because she feels it won't work. She was on anti depressants in her teenage years and they really just made her tired.

These meds that she is on right now don't seem to have that negative effect, but she says she has a more carefree attitude. Meaning before she wanted to get out and do things, just to stay busy. Now she doesn't really have the motivation.

And yes I can see her view where I go to do my normal routine of working out, and she taking it personally.

But as you just said, if I take time off, she feels I'm just doing it because I feel sorry for her. So it's really a lose/lose situation.

This may sound weird considering we've discussed divorce, but I have never given up on her. It is obvious that I alone am not going to be able to get her out of the funk.

Through sickness and health right? Except when does each other's health start to come into play? Lets say we work on our issues for another six months, but her depression doesn't really get any better, and we continue to fight over the same stuff. I'm afraid we're just going to end up hating each other.

I'm sure some people can relate, but it's extremely hard coming home to a person who acts like they don't want you around. Or one night they act lovey dovey, then the next they're screaming at you.

I've already found my wife much more unattractive the past few months, and I find myself wishing she'd get out of the house with friends so I could have a few moments alone. Ditto with going out with my friends, except I ask her to come out because I know she'll just hide under the blanket the whole night.

I don't know what to expect next. I do know that I don't want to live in misery. I don't want my wife to be miserable, and she is...COMPLETELY.

Maybe I'll let drugs and counseling run their course, but it's tearing me apart on the inside and outside as well. It's affecting how I do my job, as most of the day I'm wondering what our future holds, and I also fear coming home to someone ready to open fire on me.

She still has 4 more days to come up with her list of "5 things Wife wants to do". So far she hasn't come up with one. Yet I get accused of not working hard enough to fix the relationship.

It's time for bed, which also means I sleep in the bed while she watches food network until 5am, then comes to bed : )

 

[martha]

But for how long does a spouse of a depressed person have to sacrifice and put up with it? His or her whole life?

At some point something's got to give, and honestly why be dragged down by something that doesn't appear to be changing for the better, only changing for the worse?

 

[Marien]

Oh, Beal, I'm so sorry if I've hurt your feelings, I just wanted to help by taking the point of view of your wife's, but stated in a more rational way as I'm not within the situation, maybe it's not 5 nights, sure, you say it, but maybe she feels it's every night, feelings and reality are not always equal in the equation.
I don't know what to say now, except that I didn't like your answer, I understand you are under high stresss and I can only wish you the best. Take care.

 

[Liesje]

I really, really think she's gotta get out more. And I don't mean that as in go out drinking w/ friends, I mean literally, get out of the house and do something, anything. I've never suffered from that type of depression, but in all the psych courses I had to take for my degree we were always told that "action changes attitude" (in general) and when someone needs an attitude adjustment, often they need to go through the motions and then their attitude will change. I can't see how she's ever going to change if she quits every job, forgets every hobby, ditches every friend, and turns down every new opportunity to make something of her individual self. I don't see drugs and counseling as a cure either. I think those will certainly help, but not if she doesn't put in some of her own time getting her life back together. If she really wants to get better (and she needs to want it for HERSELF first and then for the sake of the marriage) she will stop using the depression as a crutch and get herself out there.

 

[mysterious_jen]

she has got to want to change, but i dont think she wants to, she sounds busy manipulating you .
take your shit and get out mate before she takes you for everything. its brutal but honest, i dont mean to offend, for your own sanity do something.

 

[joyfulgirl]

BEAL > before you two throw in the towel, I will reiterate a point I made early on in this thread. See a nutritionist. The meds aren't working. Adding things like fish oil, folic acid, 5HTP to her diet could completely change her life and get her off meds. There is debate as to whether depression is a disorder or a disease. I certainly don't know the answer but if she had a disease like cancer, you'd both be treating this situation a lot differently than talking about divorce. I simply could not be with someone who was clinically depressed; it would be a deal-breaker for me. But I wouldn't give up until I'd had bloodwork done and changed the diet.

But as others have said, she has to want to feel better. Which, granted, is hard when you're depressed and don't want anything really, or don't know what you want. But deep down inside she must want to be better and to be with you in order to get well.

 

[BEAL]

She has made some progress. She has stopped saying what a worthless piece of shit she is around me.

Does she still think that, you bettcha!!!! She claims that she is very happy when I'm around, but it's hard for me to tell that. I do believe her though, but it's hard for her to say anything positive right now.

I just don't like how on Mon/Tues I was told let's consider splitting up. Then last night she says she doesn't want to, that she wants to work on it, but she feels I don't want to.

I don't like the switch in roles here. She used the reasoning that her life is going to change big time if we get divorced. She will have to find a new place to live, a time to move all of her stuff, change her name back, etc. What does Nathaniel have to do? Nothing. I get to live my life as I always have.

While to an extent that is true, for her to say that I won't have to do anything is nuts.

I guess I'm just confused on what she wants me to do. Does she want me to stay home with her every night? Does she want me to take more dancing classes? Does she want me to go to church? Does she want me to say every day I want to have kids with you?

I guess I just don't know what she wants from me. I've told her this and naturally it makes her upset. She says she just wants us to work on things. I ask her what are these things? What do you want to do to fix this? She never has a suggestion or an answer. She will say "I want you to have a life, I want you to have hobbies" then the very next sentence is I wish we spent more time together.

Which of course gets me confused because we do spend time together, it's just we spend it watching the fucking tv. In the past month I've taken her bowling, mini-golf, the movies, and various resturants.

I offered to go to the Oktoberfest this past weekend, and it was shot down. Instead we just did the dinner and movie at home.

I did notice that she's looking at taking a Massage Therapy class. Whether she does it or not I have no clue.

I wish she would get out more, but her friends are just as moody as she is. She literally sat on the couch all day and night yesterday. She was supposed to take some racks back to her grandmas' house, but decided against it.

She's going to do it today because she's going to her friends house which is close to where her grandma lives. Of course she goes to this friend 2-3 times a week basically as a therapy session. She went over to this friend on Monday which is when the divorce talk started up.

So chances are it'll get brought up again tonight. Not sure I really like this friend : )

Of course she's a stay at home mom who's living off of her husband, and despite stories of them struggling for $, they tend to go shopping quite a bit.

You can probably assume this friend isn't too high on my list of favorite wife friends.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I think just the fact that it is putting you through so much shows how much you love her and care about her, and I can see that it is hell for you. I don't know what else to say other than I hope it works out for the best for both of you, whatever that may be. Like so many others have said it is ultimately all up to her, so you can only do so much. How much you do is your choice of course, and it is a vicious cycle because the way she is affects how much you want to do.

 

[BEAL]

She had blood work done the last time she went into the doctor. Everything turned out fine, or normal.

Maybe she's just weird...ya think?

I have offered to do more with her over the past month, as I've cut down on some of my interests (mainly golf) on the weekend for her, and we don't do it.

I offered to go to the science center this Sunday, and she said OK, Maybe.

did we go? Nope.

Again, it's not all her. My big gotcha is that when I met her I was going to church every Sunday with her. It was something I wanted to explore. Over the past month and a half though, I don't want to go. I wasn't a strong believer to begin with, and going to church and some study groups did nothing to really change or influence my thinking. In fact, I believe even less, and I've come to feel really uncomfortable around believers who tend to speak with such a conviction of everything Jesus being fact. I don't care if you believe, or my neighbor, etc....but now I'm just of the thinking that there may be something out there, but I'm not going to worry about it.

I went ahead and told her about my doubts in faith, and how I'm losing interest. I feel horrible because her faith means a lot to her. I don't know if I want to keep going, even just to support her because of how uncomfortable I am around it right now.

Naturally this has upset her. It's just another thing on our list that we have to overcome...and unfortuantely, this is a deal breaker.

So just to kind of give some perspective that it's not all she is doing to me, but some of the stuff I've done to her.

*note*

I'm also sorry for some of the language I used in a previous post. A few of the posts got a little under my skin and I didn't mean anything personal with the FUCKS. Just kind of came out. You can imagine my wife doesn't like it when I swear either.

 

[Sicy]

Wow I had a lot of catching up to do.

I'm sorry, I know I dont know your wife but from all that you've said about her and the situation, I dont like her. Or I could say, I dont like her kind. Because I know a few just like her. I might be biased because I didnt like her from the beginning when she made you give up your cats, but after reading all this I honestly cant understand why you married her. She sounds like nothing but a lazy sob with major self esteem issues as well as obvious jealousy issues, and I know, many other issues from what you've said. There is NO reason why you shouldnt be able to continue to do the things you love, as long as you make equal time for her. Every person in a relationship should have their life together with their partner, and their life away from them, hobbies, friends etc. When you give up the life away from everything else, you become miserable. This is why life after marriage is shit for so many people. You think you know someone, and you have an understanding, but then all of a sudden everything changes after you get married and/or move in together. I've seen it happen with SO many couples, myself included. Do you want to be trapped at home every day miserable with this person for the rest of your life? That is no way to live life. I know I'm probably the only one that's going to tell you this or feel this way but I say get out now and get on with your life. I think you'd be much happier without her. I'm actually annoyed at this point that you're putting up with all this. /ok I'm leaving know before people throw things at me.