My Mother is the Rudest Person Alive!!!!

[JCOSTER]

I really need to get this off my chest and maybe I will feel better once I do.

My mother is rude and has been all her life, she says whatever she wants to even if it will hurt your feeling and not even apologize for it. She never has a nice thing to say...I do give her credit in a few certain areas, but the rest is just not acceptable to me. In the 60's my mother was a single mom. She remarried to my dad when I was 6/7. One day I had asked her if she was happy she had me, the response was, you wouldn't be here if abortion was legal. How Rude!!!

A statement like that stays with you all your life.

Is it so bad to say she is toxic and I can live without her in my life?

 

[Bonochick]

One day I had asked her if she was happy she had me, the response was, you wouldn't be here if abortion was legal. How Rude!!!

A statement like that stays with you all your life.

Wow...I would be really hurt to hear something like that. I agree, words like that are something that will just stick with you. My parents don't drink often, but there was one evening they were indulging a bit when I was about 18 or 19 years old, and the bit of info slipped on how I was an accident baby. I felt really bad just hearing that, even though I knew my parents were glad that they had me and love me. We're actually able to joke about it now...I was just razzing my mom about it the other day, actually.

Is it so bad to say she is toxic and I can live without her in my life?

Given what you said, I can see how you feel that way. I don't know your whole situation, but I have been through a lot of things with my mom. There have been times I've just wanted to push her out of my life and hate her...but I've found that I can't. No matter what she does, she's still my mom, and I love her. She's the only mom I will ever have, and has been good to me for the most part. However, it doesn't sound like you've really had much of a great relationship with your mom, which is heartbreaking. I don't think it's bad that you feel that way...it's understandable...but it's just very sad.

 

[U2Girl416]

Fortunately, I've had a relatively decent relationship with my mom. Maybe because I'm the youngest of 4 girls, so that makes me the "baby". But my parents divorced when I was about 7 and I never really had a dad until my mom remarried. my stepdad is who I consider my real dad. I no longer hate my real dad, but I did despise him for a while.

And I'll never forget that he said that both me and my sister 4 years older than me were "mistakes", and I don't mean, ooops we're having a baby. Just "mistakes." And as you said, a statement like that stays with you.

I hope you are able to find some resolution that works for you without putting you in harm's way of other "toxic" moments. As BC mentioned, a mom is the only mom you'll ever have. If there's a way to work something out or get your feelings out there, I'd do it. If not, perhaps you are better off.

 

[BonosBaby12]

JC I don't think you are wrong with how you feel about your mom. That really has to hurt like hell to hear your own mother say that to you

I am very fortunate that I have a great relationship with my mom. Though my father is in the picture my mom is the one who bothered to take the time to raise me and my other 6 siblings. My father on the other hand made lots of remarks regarding females that have stuck with me throughout life.

 

[JCOSTER]

Thanks guys your so awsome. I've been through alot with her and sometimes I just want to move on and feel as if she is a big hurdle.

I think this is why I can relate to Bonos relationship with his father after I read more about it I would swear his dad an my mother are long lost brother and sister!!! I would love to sit down with him and ask him how did he ever get the point where he is today aboout his dad.

 

[Liesje]

JC I'm sorry your mom had to say that. If my mom said that to me, I think on the surface I'd pretend like I didn't care, like it's a mute point anyway, but deep down I'd be quite shattered.

My paternal grandmother is a bit like that, she says whatever she's thinking at any point in time, and it's usually something very catty. For example, we'll be at a nice restaurant and she'll say, loud enough for other tables to hear "oh my gosh, look at that fat person!" Or, she's always complaining to me about her step-grandkids (my grandpa died and she is remarried). She calls them nicknames behind their backs, like "the shitbirds", and these are just little kids, one of whom has Asberger's. I don't like being around her all that much and my dad knows it. I try not to complain about her because I feel bad. I spend so much time with my mom's family. My mom's sister is basically my second mother and my maternal grandmother means more to me than almost anyone in the world.

It sounds like you've done a great job avoiding conflict and trying to let these things bounce off. I do think that there are some people that some of us just won't ever click with, even if it is close relatives. I don't think it's unfair of you to feel as though you don't need her because it sounds like you don't need someone in your life that's going to put you down and make you feel shit. You (and anyone really) deserves better. Hopefully someday she will come around and be able to say how proud she is of you.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

My mother has said some very hurtful things to me. I don't think it's "bad" at all for you to say that she's toxic and that you can live without her. You are her daughter and you don't deserve that at all. Sometimes even mothers don't even realize how incredibly hurtful their words are, but that is no excuse. Words can be worse than a beating. I don't believe we owe our parents allegiance at any and all costs no matter what they say and do, some costs are just far too great to live with.

Unless she can change her ways and atone for things she has said to you, you have every right to protect yourself.

 

[JCOSTER]

at 71 you can't teach a dog new tricks.

 

[SunBloc]

In his mid-70's my father-in-law, who sounds like he'd be your mom's counterpart, did change slightly with his pattern of bombarding all of the family ( some worse than others ) with hurtful comments. He did not completely change, but that little bit was one of the biggest reliefs I've ever felt. If he could change slightly - and he's a tough one - maybe there's a degree of hope with your mom.

 

[meegannie]

I don't believe we owe our parents allegiance at any and all costs no matter what they say and do, some costs are just far too great to live with.

 

[Thora]

Sometimes even mothers don't even realize how incredibly hurtful their words are, but that is no excuse.

Well said!

Growing up, my mom and I had a pretty volatile relationship. She said many extremely hurtful things to me. We haven't talked much about how she hurt me when I was younger, but I hope we'll be able to some day. Right now our relationship is good. We're friends, and that's great. Occasionally she'll say things that are not very appropriate about my weight or other things, but I genuinely think she has no idea how hurtful and awful her comments are. If she really knew how they made me feel, I'm certain she never would have said what she did. I know that we do need to deal with this, but now isn't really the time.

JCoster, I'm sorry that your relationship with your mom has been difficult. Like the others have said, there's no excuse for her behaviour. Hopefully one day you'll be able to resolve this.

 

[redhotswami]

Is it so bad to say she is toxic and I can live without her in my life?

Not at all. Actually that is very realistic of you. It is great that you can see what she does to you, and though the things she does hurt, you are still empowered enough to know that you are awesome, and that many things she says are not true.

I have a similar relationship with my mother. It is so hard. It is hard to believe in yourself, and believe you are important and worth something when they tell you otherwise.

A friend once told me "she raised you the best she could, which may not feel like it is true, but look at her capacity." Our mothers grew up in different times than we did, and under different circumstances, and have very different personalities from us. It is hard to say "just let it roll off your back" because she is YOUR MOTHER. However, she is also a human, and like everyone else, we all have our flaws.

All you can do is love her the best you can, and love yourself the best you can. Sometimes distance helps too. But even that can only do so much.

It's tough, but hang in there. In reality, she may never change. But you want to always know in your heart that you still love her for who she is, regardless of what she has done to hurt you. Try try try not to let the entire relationship cut off or go sour, because if something were to ever happen, that would hurt even more.

Hang in there

 

[Carek1230]

JC I Feel for you, and I can relate. My mother is the same always has had a mean streak and is the same age as your mother. My parents are both alcoholics, my dad passed away 13 yrs ago. Mom's not been the same since and she says hurtful things all the time, pitting my sister and I against one another, stabbing people behind their backs. I've called her on it a number of times and told her I refuse to speak with her when she has been drinking. Since then she likes to blame this mean streak she says my sister and I accuse her of on the drinking. Her mother was the same. When my Grandmother was on her last few weeks of herlife in late March this year my mother had many many tears over mending her relationship with her mother. It's affected her greatly to the point she has had time to think and will ask my sister and I now to forgive her for things she has said and done that were mean or embarrassing, and that she doesn't want to die with us hating her. She is getting better, but whenever she starts to say something negative or mean, we will point it out to her so she is aware the mean behavior is rearing its ugly head. But she is trying. I think it has been most relief to my sister and I to have the opportunity to speak with our mother and tell her things she said and did that hurt deeply, things that our father did and said (he was verbally and physically abusive) but we didn't have the opportunity to forgive or make amends with him.

I don't know, being a parent myself I think is what has made me a bit melancholy when it comes to parental relationship woes. I try not to let the past affect me, I've been through enough therapy to know the signs when I am being hurt or to recognize when somethign is said or done that relates to something from the past and I can deal with it in a positive way. My son and I have had oour share of rocky relationship (single parenting him since age 7) especially the turbulent teens and his drug abuse. My mother is slowly accepting my son back into her life after having cut him off and my son is slowly coming around so I Feel good about that.

I don't know why people get so mean and rude other than the fact they only know that behavior from their own experiences and negative environment, self pity, and abusive relationships. We certainly cannot mend these people, they must do so themselves. And we cannot teach an old dog new tricks. But opening the communication and having the opportunity to at least talk about the hurt and the pain has helped our family.

No matter what happens in your situation, just know YOU are not a bad person. You don't have to subject yourself or your children to being around someone toxic. It hurts to turn away from your own mother, but sometimes it's what's best for all.

 

[VertigoGal]

jcoster
I agree with what others have said, that you have to believe they do the best they can in their own fucked up incompetent little ways. however that does *not* mean you have to put up with it. if their "best" is nowhere near what you deserve and is harmful to you, no one in their right mind could blame you for putting your own well being first.

 

[briarrose]

I can relate to your situation. My mother was very abusive (physically, emotionally, mentally and verbally) to me. I moved out 3 days after I turned 18 to get away from it. I didn't talk to my mom for about 2 months after I moved out. When I did, all she did was accuse me of doing the wrong thing by leaving and "running away" from my problems. It wasn't until I got married and she got some counseling that she realized she was the problem. She actually apologized for how she treated me. She still doesn't think I should have left and often uses my least favorite line "you gotta do what you gotta do."

All that to say, it might not be such a horrible idea to at least cut back on the communication with your mother, especially if what she says and does is bringing you down. You don't need to hear. Maybe she'll ask you why you don't talk as much and then you can tell her.

Good luck!

 

[JCOSTER]

Thanks guys for all your words of wisdom.

It makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one with a toxic mom.
Sometimes you think you are not supposed to feel that way just because it is your mother.

 

[Carek1230]

I always feel better realizing I am not the only one too so I can understand how you feel, JC. But no, it's not you. The other thing I have always steered from is, knowing how my parents were and how they treated me I swore to myself I would NEVER treat my kids the same. I haven't - I can pride myself on that!

 

[JCOSTER]

If I don't get this out of my system I will explode.

Today my kids wanted to go to my mothers house to visit. While she is happy to see them, she can't stop being "their" mother. I have reminded her constantly that I am their mother. But today took the cake, after a while of us constant bickering back and forth tge past few weeks.

My 7 year old, was just sitting on a chair watching a little tv with my niece who is 2. My mother asked me when was I going to get my kids a haircut. I said when it gets closer to a wedding we have to go to in the next few weeks.

She then asked if my 7 year old washes his hair? (Stupid ?)
I said yes ofcourse he does. She then said right infront of him well it doesn't look like it. I said, yeah thats right we roll him in the mud in the backyard. She then said well it looks it. Implying that he was dirty.

I told her, If you ever want to see them again, because they could do without the insults, never to say anything like that to them again. I told her that if he never spoke to her again I wouldn't blame him. My son felt very hurt and I told him that he has to understand she is not a happy person and she is just negative all the time. I don't care what he thinks of her, I just don't want him to be damaged because of something she has said to scar him for life like she had done to me.

After all these years, words still cut like a knife and the salt in the wound is still as painfull.

I just really needed to get this off my chest....thanks JC

 

[Liesje]

My grandma is probably my favorite person alive. My life would not be the same today if she'd made rude comments to me as a child.

I don't know how to help, but to say sorry.

 

[JCOSTER]

Thank for listening. My grandparents where not like that either. And it was her parents I was extremely close to. St. Pats day will be 7 years my grandmother is gone and I miss her.

My grandfather was like the Bono of his day, he was a very faithful and want to make the world a better place and saw no color on anyone, I don't know how he didn't rub off on her has he did on me.

 

[BonosBaby12]

Im so sorry JC That was pretty ignorant of her to have even said it but especially in front of your son.

I would be crushed if my grandmother ever talked to me like that

 

[Justin24]

Sorry to hear about how rude your mom is. Maybe you should cut your ties from her, for good. She will end up living a loneyly life with no one to care for her??

 

[Liesje]

Thank for listening. My grandparents where not like that either. And it was her parents I was extremely close to. St. Pats day will be 7 years my grandmother is gone and I miss her.

My paternal grandma has always been rude ans snippy, not really to us kids though. Not as bad as what you're describing, but in general, known to make very rude or off-color remarks. For example, my mom was out to brunch with her and my grandma said "ew, look at that fat person!" loud enough for other people to hear. She also used to refer to my step-cousins as "the little shit birds." My grandpa died when I was 8 and my grandma remarried, so these are her new husband's grandkids. Well, turns out one of them as Asberger's which is why he was always very angry, rude to his mother, and completely anti-social. His younger brother acts like a toddler because he sees how his older brother acts and tries to get more attention. Both of them do behave in ways I don't consider excusable, but that's no reason for my grandma to call them shit birds behind their backs.

We just try to avoid that grandma and only do things with her when necessary (Christmas, basically).

 

[redhotswami]

JC
Hopefully your son won't remember this. Just keep telling him he is wonderful. I'm glad your backing off too, because it is too much on your and his hearts.

I really don't get mothers sometime. I can totally empathize. When I was in college, everytime I came to visit her, the FIRST THING she would say to me, before hugging or sayign she missed me, was how rough I looked or how funky I smelled. After awhile, I got tired of it and I'd say the same things back to her. Naturally, it pissed her off. She still says it, but not as much anymore...I suppose depending on her mood.

She isn't going to change. Your mom may not change either. You're already an awesome mother, you just keep at it!

 

[fly so high!]

If I don't get this out of my system I will explode.

Today my kids wanted to go to my mothers house to visit. While she is happy to see them, she can't stop being "their" mother. I have reminded her constantly that I am their mother. But today took the cake, after a while of us constant bickering back and forth tge past few weeks.

My 7 year old, was just sitting on a chair watching a little tv with my niece who is 2. My mother asked me when was I going to get my kids a haircut. I said when it gets closer to a wedding we have to go to in the next few weeks.

She then asked if my 7 year old washes his hair? (Stupid ?)
I said yes ofcourse he does. She then said right infront of him well it doesn't look like it. I said, yeah thats right we roll him in the mud in the backyard. She then said well it looks it. Implying that he was dirty.

I told her, If you ever want to see them again, because they could do without the insults, never to say anything like that to them again. I told her that if he never spoke to her again I wouldn't blame him. My son felt very hurt and I told him that he has to understand she is not a happy person and she is just negative all the time. I don't care what he thinks of her, I just don't want him to be damaged because of something she has said to scar him for life like she had done to me.

After all these years, words still cut like a knife and the salt in the wound is still as painfull.

I just really needed to get this off my chest....thanks JC

Impossible people sometimes we have them as friends,sometimes we have them at work sometimes they are distant relatives (that's why they are distant!)....unfortunately impossible people can be our parents............YOU are not doing anything wrong here.......and it sounds like she is crossing the line with you,now that she saying stuff about your kids.....I found this the other day, i had a good laugh as it reminded me so much of my ex-sister-in-law........another "impossible person"
http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Impossible-People

 

[JCOSTER]

thanks guys your awesome, this is one of the reasons why I hang around here.

 

[cell]

i can definitely relate...my grandmother was verybally abusive to me. the final straw for me was when she threw my 10 year old daughter out of her house and told her to get the #&^% out. i moved out of long beach a year ago after that and i havent spoken to her since. then she started calling my new cell phone number a month ago. she called again last week. i never answer. i cant go down that road again.

 

[U2Man]

I really need to get this off my chest and maybe I will feel better once I do.

My mother is rude and has been all her life, she says whatever she wants to even if it will hurt your feeling and not even apologize for it. She never has a nice thing to say...I do give her credit in a few certain areas, but the rest is just not acceptable to me. In the 60's my mother was a single mom. She remarried to my dad when I was 6/7. One day I had asked her if she was happy she had me, the response was, you wouldn't be here if abortion was legal. How Rude!!!

A statement like that stays with you all your life.

Is it so bad to say she is toxic and I can live without her in my life?

come on. it was a joke.

and if it wasnt, you should appreciate your mother's honesty.

 

[Allanah]

Re: Re: My Mother is the Rudest Person Alive!!!!

come on. it was a joke.

and if it wasnt, you should appreciate your mother's honesty.

Last I heard, jokes were supposed to be funny.

Are you joking with a statement like that? If so, stop. If you're not joking... the hell? There is absolutely nothing to be appreciated in hearing a statement like that from your own mother.

JC: From the sound of things, "rude" is far too kind of a term. I'm with everyone else here; keep your time with your mother at an absolute minimum, and good for you for standing up to her. Make a habit of that.

 

[Carek1230]

JC your mom is probably like that because she is so unhappy. That's my mother's problem. My mother is so negative and I just tolerate it, I used to have comebacks similar to yours about your son's hair...rolling him in the mud etc but that just made things worse. Now I just listen to a few comments (they are inevitable no matter what her mood or the circumstances) and finally pipe in "You just don't have anything positive to say about anything at all, do you? You are impossible". That usually catches her and changes the whole tone of the conversation or visit. I can't stand it but it's what I do. If she says anything about my son I just tell her whatever she chooses to say we don't care because I am the boy's mother and unlike her I have chosen to love him unconditionally. Seriously with my mother if she's not happy, ain't NOBODY happy around her. It's really sad she is such a martyr and so negative all the time. She was like this even before my father died. It drove him nuts, and back then we could joke about my mom.....not anymore. Now it's just me dealing with it.

Hopefully it won't affect your kids. Just continue being a great mom to them. They will know the difference.