TheBrazilianFly
Rock n' Roll Doggie FOB
I think I got an anger problem. I got a lot of anger inside, I don?t know what to do anymore and I really think it?s destroying me. Some times I feel like I?m going off the track. I?m really, really unhappy. I think people see me as an angry person and maybe they are a little afraid of me. I don?t like that. I really try to change that and I never understood why I have so much anger, I mean I know there are some very strong reasons because of things that happened with me before but I?m 19 now and I don?t want to be a victim of the past, I?m trying to be a better person. Trying to change my way now so that I don?t become bitter when I get older. I know maybe I?m a little young to worry about that and all but it?s killing me. I remember my mom calling me a rebel a few years ago, that pissed me off so much cause I would think to myself, ?I don?t do drugs, I don?t drink, I never came home drunk, I never broke a anything, never robed anyone, never got arrested, never did anything so wrong, so why I?m I a rebel?? That was such an offense to me but then I realized she was calling me that because I?m so angry and I realized that people have a wrong image of me.
I think there are mainly two big reasons why I?m so angry, one it?s because I never felt like I was ever respected, by anyone really, not even by my family or most personal friends. I think it?s because I?m so quiet, so after a while people stop caring, and I think the fact that I?m quiet really pisses people off, I don?t look geeky, stupid or anything but I have always been bullied in school cause I?m so shy and on my own and I think the anger serves as a shield, a ?fuck off, you?re not welcomed? kind of sign and it works in most of the times, people just don?t fuck with me nowadays. I never unleashed on anyone or anything like that cause I don?t want to hurt anyone and since I hold back so much anger (mostly due to that disrespect) some days I just feel extremely tired and as if my heart would explode, it?s horrible.
The second reason it?s because I don?t think nobody really believes or has faith in me, and I can?t take parents complements anymore cause they just feel fake to me even tough I know they are honest I just feel like maybe they don?t see it as it is. I?m not really doing what I want do. I?m in advertising school, I chose that and I must confess I quite like it. I do well there and I think I have a good career ahead of me but maybe there are some other stuff, music related, that I wish I was doing but I just can?t cause I would be seen by my parents as a bum or something and I think deep down I?m really trying to make my parents proud of me. I?m nice and polite with everybody but some people are such bastards, they only think about themselves and don?t try to help or care for the others, I see that a lot in the collage I?m in. They don?t give a shit, if it?s different to their opinions then it?s just wrong and they have the right to laugh or joke about it, no respect at all! People are mostly selfish and don?t care about the rest and I hate that attitude cause as much different the others are with me I try to respect those differences but nobody respects my differences.
I got a bad case of depression that I used to think was over but it?s not, now I just feel depressed inside and don?t let people know it. I have that attention deficit disorder thing and I think that?s really the thing that killed my self-esteem and made me fall deep in depression some years ago. Six, seven years ago when I was told I had ADD, in my country nobody knew what it was, the schools (which is the place where I think this problems should be worked on) had never heard of that, there is no special schools or ways to teach people with this problem here. In the beginning my father laughed in my face, saying it was just an excuse, I felt so embarrassed. I never did well on school so people would always say I?m dumb but then some of them would see me in a more natural element or know things a bout me like, I learned English on my own, I never went to school to learn it or anything, I just used to watch a lot of movies on the TV so one day I realized I wasn?t reading the captions anymore so I guess I just soaked it in and if people would find that they would go ?Wow, you?re really smart?, I had tests saying I?m like a genius and stuff and when I was a kid that truly fucked me up cause I would think ?If I?m such a genius why people treat me like that.? I don?t believe in this IQ thing anymore, it?s all bullshit in my opinion. Everybody has the same capacity. It all depends on how it is administrated by the person and by the people around the person. Maybe this whole thing is the root of my anger problem. There are other problems that are maybe more universal but as I said I don?t want to be a victim of the past.
I don?t think I really described it very well, it?s hard to put some feelings into words, but I think this anger thing is taking over me and I might end up doing something stupid and I don?t want that. I?m a really, really private person. I never told this to anybody, I don?t like doing this kind of things cause I feel like I?m just wining, it feels weird and I don?t know if I should be so personal but I don?t really feel like I have much to loose anymore. People always said that it?s good to put things out so I just want to know how that feels, this whole thing is too long, there?s no need to replay.
I think there are mainly two big reasons why I?m so angry, one it?s because I never felt like I was ever respected, by anyone really, not even by my family or most personal friends. I think it?s because I?m so quiet, so after a while people stop caring, and I think the fact that I?m quiet really pisses people off, I don?t look geeky, stupid or anything but I have always been bullied in school cause I?m so shy and on my own and I think the anger serves as a shield, a ?fuck off, you?re not welcomed? kind of sign and it works in most of the times, people just don?t fuck with me nowadays. I never unleashed on anyone or anything like that cause I don?t want to hurt anyone and since I hold back so much anger (mostly due to that disrespect) some days I just feel extremely tired and as if my heart would explode, it?s horrible.
The second reason it?s because I don?t think nobody really believes or has faith in me, and I can?t take parents complements anymore cause they just feel fake to me even tough I know they are honest I just feel like maybe they don?t see it as it is. I?m not really doing what I want do. I?m in advertising school, I chose that and I must confess I quite like it. I do well there and I think I have a good career ahead of me but maybe there are some other stuff, music related, that I wish I was doing but I just can?t cause I would be seen by my parents as a bum or something and I think deep down I?m really trying to make my parents proud of me. I?m nice and polite with everybody but some people are such bastards, they only think about themselves and don?t try to help or care for the others, I see that a lot in the collage I?m in. They don?t give a shit, if it?s different to their opinions then it?s just wrong and they have the right to laugh or joke about it, no respect at all! People are mostly selfish and don?t care about the rest and I hate that attitude cause as much different the others are with me I try to respect those differences but nobody respects my differences.
I got a bad case of depression that I used to think was over but it?s not, now I just feel depressed inside and don?t let people know it. I have that attention deficit disorder thing and I think that?s really the thing that killed my self-esteem and made me fall deep in depression some years ago. Six, seven years ago when I was told I had ADD, in my country nobody knew what it was, the schools (which is the place where I think this problems should be worked on) had never heard of that, there is no special schools or ways to teach people with this problem here. In the beginning my father laughed in my face, saying it was just an excuse, I felt so embarrassed. I never did well on school so people would always say I?m dumb but then some of them would see me in a more natural element or know things a bout me like, I learned English on my own, I never went to school to learn it or anything, I just used to watch a lot of movies on the TV so one day I realized I wasn?t reading the captions anymore so I guess I just soaked it in and if people would find that they would go ?Wow, you?re really smart?, I had tests saying I?m like a genius and stuff and when I was a kid that truly fucked me up cause I would think ?If I?m such a genius why people treat me like that.? I don?t believe in this IQ thing anymore, it?s all bullshit in my opinion. Everybody has the same capacity. It all depends on how it is administrated by the person and by the people around the person. Maybe this whole thing is the root of my anger problem. There are other problems that are maybe more universal but as I said I don?t want to be a victim of the past.
I don?t think I really described it very well, it?s hard to put some feelings into words, but I think this anger thing is taking over me and I might end up doing something stupid and I don?t want that. I?m a really, really private person. I never told this to anybody, I don?t like doing this kind of things cause I feel like I?m just wining, it feels weird and I don?t know if I should be so personal but I don?t really feel like I have much to loose anymore. People always said that it?s good to put things out so I just want to know how that feels, this whole thing is too long, there?s no need to replay.
