I don't want a funeral

[U2Kitten]

When I die, I don't want a funeral. For one thing, I know that I'd be the person nobody would come for, they'd say they 'had to work' or 'had a deposit on a beach house' or excuses like that and it would hurt my feelings, even as a ghost

But what I really mean is, I don't want a service done by some preacher who doesn't know me and can't even pronounce my name (like my grandma and Dad got) or the one my Mom got who was the preacher of someone in the family who forgot her name and called her 'your loved one' for most of his speech. I don't want a preacher I don't know making up fake details of my life, playing hymns I don't even know and saying 'that was a favorite of hers!' I don't want a preacher spending 15 minutes dragging out a 30 second Bible story that has nothing to do with my life. I honestly feel these things are not a tribute to the person.

I would rather just have people I know get up and say a little something about me, she liked to roller skate, she loved U2, she loved cats and fed all the strays and wildlife, she loved the mountains, lilacs and honeysuckle in the springtime, and wasted too much time online. She never accomplished anythiing great or owned anything of value but hey, she was here, she cared and somebody should care.

What do you all think of this? Would you rather have a standard service or one like I'm talking about? Play MY favorite songs, tell stories and memories that remind you of me. Then put me away. Isn't that what a last tribute should be about anyway?

 

[nbcrusader]

Think of the funeral this way - a chance to share the hope we have with others who may not have such hope.

My best friend from law school lost his mother to a reoccurance of breast cancer a few years back. During the service, the the pastor held up a sheet of paper outlining the funeral service. It was written by my friends mother. Her favorite hymns and Scripture were listed. There were smilie faces written on the sheet. She had prepared this when the cancer returned. It was an increadibly moving service.


On the other hand, I do not want a burial. I told my wife to leave my body on the curb Wednesday morning (garbage day) or just roll it into the surf. Whatever is cheap and easy - I won't need it anymore.

 

[BAW]

I feel pretty much the same way Kitten does.

To me, a funeral is not really for the person who has passed away...its for the people he/she left behind and a lot of times, it includes things the person didn't believe in or is phony in the way you mentioned...a minister/preacher/priest who didn't know the person and reads notes about them, says their name wrong, etc.

My Dad wanted no part of religion for most of his life...he was abused in Catholic schools and twice when he was near death before his final illness, he refused to let a priest into his room for last rites. Despite this, my stepmother held his funeral in a chapel and had a religious service. It was nice and I don't hold anything against her because she needed some comfort after losing her husband but I couldn't help but think through the entire service that my Dad would have HATED it. I seriously wanted to cry when the pastor who conducted the service asked my sister and I for some words about my Dad before the service...he was a total stranger yet he was going to stand up and talk about my father as a person...the worst part was when he had to refer to his notes to remember his name

It finally felt like a true tribute to my Dad when the service ended with Freebird by Lynyrd Skynyrd playing as we said our final goodbyes. Now THAT was my Dad, not a stranger reading passages from the bible.

My grandfather's service on the other hand was perfect. He was cremated and we all gathered for a very simple service where his nephew led us in prayer, his Lion's Club buddies gave a touching, heartfelt tribute and we sang Amazing Grace, his favorite hymn. His favorite Anaheim Angel's cap sat next to his picture and we remembered him with smiles and funny stories. Just the way he would have wanted it.

That is how I would like to be remembered.

 

[Liesje]

Hmmm, I dunno. The funerals I've been to were decent, but they were done at the churches where the people spent their entire lives. I guess it's different if you don't go to a church and then all the sudden you've got to find a preacher to be in charge of such an emotional thing that they really had no part in. My grandpa's funeral and Amanda's funerals were well done b/c they both featured things from friends and family and not a long rambling sermon. At my grandpa's funeral, my dad talked for a bit and my cousin played a song on her violin. At Amanda's funeral, my friend Teresa listed some favorite memories, her cousins did something, her brother played her favorite Christian songs and we sang...of course, it was very religious, but Amanda was a very religious person so it was definitely true to her spirit. It was really sad, her being so young, but put together by people that knew her well and didn't just make an income on doing funerals.

 

[Mr. BAW]

Doozer and I were blessed with a wonderful mother; we could go on with the stories of her life and love for others...when she passed 15 1/2 years ago, we experienced a wonderful viewing at her eventual place of rest and then a typical Catholic service on the following day..IN SPANISH!

My father ordered a Spanish service! 7/8's of the congregation were English-speakers...mom was an English-speaker...I, along with my brothers and sisters, mom's guests, were sadly disappointed that we could not hear and understand her beautiful life in the way I'm sure she wanted...it was just another selfish move on my father's part...

 

[Techie2000]

As a non-religious guy, I also sort of don't want a funeral. However a non-religious memorial type celebration would be okay. I'd like them to end it by playing Walk On. The one with the hallelujahs at the end.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

I hate death and get tense even when I think about it, but I'm with the others on this one. I'm very non-religious, have been my entire life, so I wouldn't want any type of ceremony in a church. I would like something where my friends (if I even have any left by the time I go) and family gather round and I know songs I would like played, but the entire thing is too creepy and I don't want to talk about it anymore.

 

[verte76]

I agree that funerals are really for the family and loved ones that are still here. I don't think about my own funeral, it'd be whatever the family wanted to do.

 

[anitram]

On the other hand, I do not want a burial. I told my wife to leave my body on the curb Wednesday morning (garbage day) or just roll it into the surf. Whatever is cheap and easy - I won't need it anymore.

I agree with this. I want to be buried as cheaply as possible because I don't believe it should be a financial burden on anyone and I certainly won't need my body anymore so I don't care if it's rotting on velvet.

Cremation sounds good. Being buried in a sheet, like Muslims do would be fine too. No way do I want somebody to spend thousands of dollars on some ridiculous box.

 

[bammo2]

we played Queen 'I Want to Ride my Bicycle' and sang the Wild Rover at my dad's memorial service. It was perfect

 

[Doozer61]

Doozer and I were blessed with a wonderful mother; we could go on with the stories of her life and love for others...when she passed 15 1/2 years ago, we experienced a wonderful viewing at her eventual place of rest and then a typical Catholic service on the following day..IN SPANISH!

My father ordered a Spanish service! 7/8's of the congregation were English-speakers...mom was an English-speaker...I, along with my brothers and sisters, mom's guests, were sadly disappointed that we could not hear and understand her beautiful life in the way I'm sure she wanted...it was just another selfish move on my father's part...

I want a memorial service and it's gonna be a luau! I don't care if its in the winter, I want people there in hawaiian shirts!

 

[beli]

Many funerals (including non religious) that I have been to are horrid. Some guy up the front reading from his standard speech, just the names and details changed -

<insert name here> was born in <insert town here>

etc. Hate them. But then there are also beautiful moments. My friend Bruce had the worst "insert" funeral but he also had a thunderous roar of motorbikes follow the hearse. Really spectacular, I can still hear it now.

And the wakes are cathartic.

Communities need ceremonies. There is a need for people to purge and cry and say "I really miss Bruce", "I remember the time his stupid incense candles set fire to the curtains" and laugh, etc.

My friend and coworker Karen died suddenly and I did not attend her funeral I was so ill with grief. Afterwards I kept seeing her face on people I would pass in the street. Im convinced its because I didnt see her "dead in a box" so to speak.

People need ceremonies, an opportunity to release. And no matter how crap and impersonal the funeral ceremony is there will be a moment, at some point, that will remind you of the person you lost.

(PS Im also one who wants to be cremated one day).

 

[indra]

My mom died this spring and we knew she wanted to be cremated, so we set that up right away. We did want some type of memorial, but nothing typical...non of us are religious, so religious services were out. What we ended up with was a visitation...we stood around and yakked with people about her, her life, and all the great memories. We did one of those picture board thingies, and had a few other memory producing items, but no coffin or even urn. The undertaker was a bit uncomfortable when he told us that it would take a week or so to get the cremains, so we might want to hold off on the service (this was before we told him we didn't want a service -- poor guy, I think it was all a shock to his system). He was very surprised when we said we didn't need to have the ashes for the service (honestly, I wonder what we were supposed to do with them during the service ). Apparently no one in the area had ever said they didn't want a regular funeral or at least a memorial service before (we didn't have any readings or anyone get up to say a few words or anything like that. People just talked to each other.) We brought in a few classical cds that we all liked to have play too.

And you know what? It was perfect. We didn't have to squirm through any of the religious crap we normally have to deal with. It was just really personal and very nice. And no one forgot her name.

 

[shari schultz]

Think of the funeral this way - a chance to share the hope we have with others who may not have such hope.

My best friend from law school lost his mother to a reoccurance of breast cancer a few years back. During the service, the the pastor held up a sheet of paper outlining the funeral service. It was written by my friends mother. Her favorite hymns and Scripture were listed. There were smilie faces written on the sheet. She had prepared this when the cancer returned. It was an increadibly moving service.

Our pastors have invited us to outline our funeral service-from the music to the verses to the prayers. I just went to the funeral of a neighbor who also went to this church. It really was a moving service. Very comforting.

 

[yimou]

I dont want a church funeral either. I dont like the idea of some priest reading from some notes he/she got from the family. This recently happened with my dads funeral, and it was horrible.
The notes was edited to fit the service, so it was without any form of life or personality. Like he had never lived his life..

I know grief is important, and i am sure some will feel it when i leave ( uplifting thought in a sad topic ). So i will let my loved ones find the best way to express their grief on that day when it comes. THOUGH no church thing. That is to be respected. And nothing expensive at all. Sing a song, say a word. its cheap, and means 100000000 more

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

i don't either. i want a party! i don't want people crying. i want my life celebrated, not my death mourned. i want even better than the real thing played on the bagpipes and accordian!

it'll be all sad and shit, my coffin there at the church or wherever and all of a sudden you see the players and you think they're going to play amazing grace. nope! the guitar solo starts (on the accordian and bagpipes that is) and you can't help but laugh at that! then i want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered in the ocean.

 

[beli]

I want a memorial service and it's gonna be a luau! I don't care if its in the winter, I want people there in hawaiian shirts!

I once heard the song "Wipe Out" played as the funeral music

 

[For Honor]

I would rather just have people I know get up and say a little something about me, she liked to roller skate, she loved U2, she loved cats and fed all the strays and wildlife, she loved the mountains, lilacs and honeysuckle in the springtime, and wasted too much time online. She never accomplished anythiing great or owned anything of value but hey, she was here, she cared and somebody should care.

What do you all think of this? Would you rather have a standard service or one like I'm talking about? Play MY favorite songs, tell stories and memories that remind you of me. Then put me away. Isn't that what a last tribute should be about anyway?

Listen, you sound like someone who will be remembered in a good way.

If your're that concerned about death and the likes, then just write it down and say what you want to take place.


Generic, fill in the blank, (mad libs?) funerals are rather...... impersonal and bad.

I haven't thought about death, and nobody should really get to worried about it or dieing- you're never going to live to experience it, so don't worry about it. But when I die...... hmm... All I really would want it PRIDE played, and I don't know, maybe I should be turned into ashes, that would sort of be nice. Unforgetable Fire....... that album makes me think about PRIDE more than the title song- PRIDE to me is like a fire that never ends, only picks up from time to time. SO yeah, I like PRIDE- go figure.

I don't want some huge obelisk, or some massive gravesite or tomb. I mean, if I did something great, or somebody really wanted to do that for me, maybe it would be alright, but I don't like big flashy productions like that.

I think I would just want someone to say that this is me, and that I tried to live life the best way I could. I tried to love (and hopefully by then I will have loved), and done so truly and fully. I liked the simple things, I liked beauty and quality, and hopefully they will say something about me being a man or principles or something like that- I hope I can live my life in a way where that is a possiblility to be said then.



HEY here's a cool idea- never thought of it before................................

other people can use it, (I GUESS ... ), but.........

I would want to be buried at night, under a big moon, or at at Twilight like Reagan was. Something like that. I don't think I would want it in the middle of the day..... that's not really my way.



And hey U2Kitten, if you're that concerned about noone showing up, just arrange for some people here at Interference to be alerted, and we'll see to it that things are taken care of. I'm sure some of us here would gladly show up at your funeral. Us U2 fans need to stick together!


But don't worry, it's a long ways away.


You've got plenty of time to do things that will be remembered.

 

[Angela Harlem]

I used to wonder how anyone who conducts any ceremony can do it easily and well. A few years ago a dear friend of mine buried her 20 hour old baby boy and it was naturally probably the worst service I've ever been to, and it had nothing to do with the man who did the ceremony. This little one didn't even survive to be one day old. How could anyone do this? My friend had the same man do this as who'd married her and her husband a year or so before and he moved everyone. Maybe it was little Tobius never having lived beyond hours which cut us all, but he spoke some of the most beautiful words I've ever heard. It wasn't religious really, and couldn't have been personal as that is really impossible given baby Toby's age. The gist was he gently and calmly reminded everyone that Tobius was a gift of life, snatched too early, but a gift that can never be ungiven. He was given, and we all recieved him. Taken yes, taken too early, but still given. A gift that must be celebrated and mourned, we had to remember to do both as both mattered in a life that only had potential and a life that was pristine. Very few people can ever speak words like that and have it affect a room full of people from all walks of life in the way that man did it.

I dont know why I'm talking about this, I spose it still cuts me up when I think of what his parents went through and the absolute unfairness of him dying so terribly young.

In contrast to baby Tobius's and yet strangely familiar was the exact opposite of the funeral of my grandfather who lived a full and rich life and died age 77. Everything about it was different on the surface from my granddad's 7 foot mahogony coffin as opposed to Toby's one and a half foot white one. My granddad's had a lot of pomp and ceremony which surprised even me as my granddad had spent all his working life as a fireman. The firestation attended and had the full regalia in honour and respect of a man who spent his whole life serving his community. They led the prcession from the church to the crematorium. (I think my grandfather would have smirked at him being cremated...in his funny old way). The Salvation Army were there, in their regalia to honour his lifelong voluntary service to their agency helping people with anything from food parcels to counselling. Everyone, hundreds of people all there to celebrate his life and what he'd given to all of us. It was moving and very grand.

But both celebrated the gift that all life was. How we celebrate it is so different for all of us but it's a gift we need to say thank you for and mourn how we each see fit. There can't be a right or wrong because whether you only make it to 20 hours or 77 years, someone is so very thankful you were here.

 

[For Honor]

That's quite the story there


I like especailly the way you said

that life was
"a gift that cannot be ungiven"


If you think about, even in terms of everyday life, that puts things in perspective. A lot of things don't really matter in life. And even though one word can't really convey it, Love is one of those things that does matter

part of the gift


(or is it the whole?
or...... is there a difference?)

*reflective pause* "........."

 

[meegannie]

I don't want a funeral either. I don't really see the point since I don't really know anyone (if it weren't for my husband I'd be one of those people who are dead for a few weeks before anyone notices).

Being buried in a sheet, like Muslims do would be fine too. No way do I want somebody to spend thousands of dollars on some ridiculous box.

I want to be buried rather than cremated, but I really do NOT want a coffin. I just wanted to be buried in the woods somewhere.

 

[neutral]

My father knew his time had come and planned the details of the ceremony with our pastor shortly before his passing. And I do mean that he planned everything, lol. He wanted the visitation time to be held in a certain funeral home so all the knife people (our family business) could reach the location better. He wanted 2 specific passages from the Bible read, which he recited by heart to the pastor that day, 2 certain prayers said at specific times, 1 specific hymn sung by the congregation, 1 specific song sang by the choir, a few words said by the pastor, and that was all. He had the ceremony ending with the Hallelujah Chorus because he thought it was a wonderful song for the celebration of life. He also specified where he wanted to be buried and where in the cemetary he wanted to be.


I'd never been to a funeral that was anything like it, and though I don't really want one at all myself, if I have to have one, this is the way I think it should be. I will look back on it fondly because I know we had the kind of ceremony he wanted, to celebrate his life. I guess it really wouldn't be fair to ask my loved ones to just not have one at all.


Just wanted to add that my father was a very religious guy and this was what he wanted and was fitting for him. I don't mean to say that everyone should have a church ceremony or something, have whatever is fitting for you.

 

[U2Kitten]

Thanks everyone for your comments and stories. There is so much I want to say I'll have to come back and add more later. I think it's great that people can plan their own if they get to, the way they want, religious, secular or a little of both. I do believe we go on after we die and I didn't mean that by not having a preacher I was leaving that out, I just have not been happy with the services I have seen in my family. True most of them were not regular churchgoers and had no preacher who knew them (they did all believe in God though) but I'd rather have a bunch of non preacher people who DID know me speak than a preacher who didn't.

I also agree with some of you that a lot of services are for the family and not the person. Mr. BAW that was sad how your dad had the service in a language you didn't know, who knows what was said and if it's what you wanted I was kind of upset that my brothers, who disregarded my feelings throughout the whole sad time, seemed to have a service more for them than my Mom. It was like my oldest brother, a deacon in his church, was embarrassed that mom wasn't a churchy person and made up a life for her, like the hymns she never sang and probably didn't know. Then my younger brother had the guy go on and on about him and his baby and how mom had him late in life and lived to see his baby, then she was ready to go, WHAT?? That was for him, not her. And he of course forgot her name and called her 'your loved one' and mispronounced her hometown, obviously reading off note cards. I had asked my brother that if he must pick a hymn how about "Will the Circle be Unbroken" by the Carter Family, Mom was a big Carter family and Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash fan and I know she'd have liked that, not the ones he picked which had nothing to do with mom and were sung by some screechy voiced old woman who was smiling and giving thumbs up throughout the service which I thought tasteless. Sigh. Anyway there is more I want to say but thanks for posting about this. I'm sorry for those of you who had bad experiences and for the ones who were happy with theirs, I'm glad for you because it's a rough time and having the right kind of service should help not hurt. BAW- Freebird, that's a good one! My dad had wanted "Turn turn turn" by the Byrds, I remember he always said he wanted that played at his funeral and that 'those hippies sure got it right!' but my brothers ignored that request from me in favor of some instrumental organ stuff. Sorry to ramble on, this is emotional. I'll post again later.

 

[susanp6]

U2Kitten - i just wanted to say i completely agree with you on this one. I've had these thoughts for ages. I would just like songs played&poems read at my funeral too. My brother died 11 years ago & it was pretty much a traditional affair but i did request that they played one and everybody hurts and when they were playing, it somehow felt better and what i think my brother would have wanted. It's good to share these experiences, Kitten. It was very interesting to read your last post & i didn't think you were rambling on!

 

[joyfulgirl]

When my best friend died, at his request, we had a big party. No service, no rituals. He was cremated and then we partied. We played his favorite music and danced and laughed and cried our eyes out. I know it sounds crazy but it was awesome. I've been to so many funerals and memorial services, and this was a hard person to lose but it was the best send-off. I think it greatly aided my healing process, although there was plenty of grieving over the months that followed. I think I'd like something similar.