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[BabyGrace]

I'm so depressed right now, usually I can get out of it but lately I haven't been able to for some reason. so I'm gonna let it all spill because maybe it will help a little. if you don't feel like reading about my petty troubles, go no further. just don't say I didn't warn you.

I don't know how someone like myself, a girl who has everything, money, family, wonderful friends, a great place to live, etc. can be miserable so much. or why for that matter. but the truth is I feel awful right now and there's a couple of things contributing to it..

I switched teams in the spring and while that may not seem like a big deal, I swim about 24 hours of every week. that's pretty much all my free waking hours during the school year. so I spend a lot of time with the people there. the problem comes in when you're not getting along with them that well..they're a really close-knit group that have been together since about 10 years ago and they're not horribly welcoming, whether they mean it or not, to new people. several kids that joined when I did have quit, and I know my sister's having a tough time, too. so that's not helping.

then, to make matters worse, there's one guy there who's nice to me, I go and fall for him, and he's more than I could ever dream of having. He's funny, he's intelligent, he's cool, he's wild, he's sexy, he's 100% bad-ass on the outside and 100% compassionate on the inside, he could care less what people think of him, he's unafraid, he's thoughtful...and he couldn't give a fuck about me. actually that's not fair, he wouldn't ever intentionally hurt me, it's just to him I'm just another girl.

another problem I've been going up against lately is my own mind. no matter where I go it just seems like the world is full of lonely people trying to pretend they're happy and make themselves feel fullfilled by hurting others, and thus demonstrating their own strength in exposing others' weaknesses. you know that feeling you get when you're somewhere, hanging out with friends, maybe at a party, and you're having a great time and then it suddenly hits you and you feel like you've never been lonlier in your life?maybe I just need a new perspective on my life..
I just think the world would be so much easier if people were kinder to eachother. or maybe that's my own insecurities showing through.

of course it doesn't help that I'm don't like myself all that much. I'm smart but I'm not intelligent. I'm self-centered but I feel I have to be that way to survive. problem is, you only get what you give. and I dont' feel like i can give anymore. and then there's the fact that I have two gorgeous sisters, one who's gonna be a super-model, I swear..she's 13 and she has 18 yr old guys after her. and of course I'm average. isn't that the way life works? i just can't come to peace with who I am and until I figure out how to, I know I can't be happy.

I just wish I could get rid of all this, figure out how to let go without letting go..

if you read this, you cna now cart me away to a mental hospital please. I know most people go through this kind of thing, they just don't like to admit it. but if anyone feels like telling me how they've dealt with it, well I'm listening.

now I just feel like being a wimp and crying so I'm leaving.

 

[popkidu2]

I don't know how someone like myself, a girl who has everything, money, family, wonderful friends, a great place to live, etc. can be miserable so much. or why for that matter. but the truth is I feel awful right now and there's a couple of things contributing to it..

First misconception of happiness: if you "have" things, whether it be material goods, friends, whatever, that you will be happy. Happiness is a state of mind. It's not about what you have around you, but what you have inside that determines if you're happy or not. I know that sounds a little feel-good tooty-fruity, but think about it. Am I happy because I have friends? Should I be happy because I don't have to worry about where my next meal comes from? No. I'm happy because I'm confortable with who I am, and I have goals in life, asperations etc. Everything around me is extra. It's bonus if it's anything. I'll have more to say on this in a moment.

I switched teams in the spring and while that may not seem like a big deal, I swim about 24 hours of every week. that's pretty much all my free waking hours during the school year. so I spend a lot of time with the people there. the problem comes in when you're not getting along with them that well..they're a really close-knit group that have been together since about 10 years ago and they're not horribly welcoming, whether they mean it or not, to new people. several kids that joined when I did have quit, and I know my sister's having a tough time, too. so that's not helping.

Swimming is, I presume, something you're passionate about. You derive great enjoyment from it. Depression comes about when your life is unbalanced. If your goal is to be a great swimmer, if the act of swimming helps you to be mentally and physically well, you will be affected when things in that area aren't doing well.

In regards to your new team mates. It takes a lot of time to get adjusted to a new team. Being an outsider and working to become a part of a group is hard. Whether your joining a new highschool halfway into a school year, or a new job...whatever, you're going to face resistance from your new teammates. It's natural. As an outsider, you're not familiar with the team, the personalities, the different aspects of the group etc...and by coming onto the team, you're in a sense disrupting everyone else's routine. NOW DON'T TAKE THAT THE WRONG WAY. It's a natural part of the process. In time, your team mates will come to accept you, and become your friends. You're smart, funny, and I suspect and damn good swimmer. Nothing speaks louder than actions. Be yourself, and be confident, and with time, you will no longer be the "new girl", but instead a team mate.

then, to make matters worse, there's one guy there who's nice to me, I go and fall for him, and he's more than I could ever dream of having. He's funny, he's intelligent, he's cool, he's wild, he's sexy, he's 100% bad-ass on the outside and 100% compassionate on the inside, he could care less what people think of him, he's unafraid, he's thoughtful...and he couldn't give a fuck about me. actually that's not fair, he wouldn't ever intentionally hurt me, it's just to him I'm just another girl.

Welcome to love. Get used to it. It hurts, no matter how many times it happens, but you gotta just accept the fact that these things will happen, and let it be. We all been there kiddo

another problem I've been going up against lately is my own mind. no matter where I go it just seems like the world is full of lonely people trying to pretend they're happy and make themselves feel fullfilled by hurting others, and thus demonstrating their own strength in exposing others' weaknesses. you know that feeling you get when you're somewhere, hanging out with friends, maybe at a party, and you're having a great time and then it suddenly hits you and you feel like you've never been lonlier in your life?

Another one many of us know. Look, you gotta look out for your self. You don't like the world around you? Then change it! Take it one step at a time, but do it. Realize that there are always going to be selfish, money-grubbing, stupid people who look out for number one and hurt others. It happens. It sucks, it can get anyone down, but it happens.

If you don't like it, then don't buy into it. Be extra kind. Smile at people. Make small talk with the cashire and say thank you. Pick up some garbage from the ground. Do whatever it is that other people aren't doing...know that you're doing your part, and be ok with that.

of course it doesn't help that I'm don't like myself all that much. I'm smart but I'm not intelligent. I'm self-centered but I feel I have to be that way to survive. problem is, you only get what you give. and I dont' feel like i can give anymore. and then there's the fact that I have two gorgeous sisters, one who's gonna be a super-model, I swear..she's 13 and she has 18 yr old guys after her. and of course I'm average. isn't that the way life works? i just can't come to peace with who I am and until I figure out how to, I know I can't be happy.

You can only give of your self so much. That's very true. But you need to be confident that you've given your best, and be ok with that. You probably do more for the world than the average person. You're not average. No way. Don't compare yourself to your sister or anyone else. It doesn't work that way. You're going to have guys chasing after you. Just wait until college. You'll be beating them away...trust me. You're still young. These things take time.

Finding yourself takes a LOT of time. I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm nearly 25, single, and I still haven't the faintest clue who I am. Somedays I want to be a rockstar, soemdays a writer, somedays a politician. Where am I right now? Studying to be a therapist. Why? Because through a lot of trials and tribulations and failures and bad shit where things were so dark I couldn't see through 'till tomorrow, I realized that what I wanted to do was help people, and that I had a bit of talent in this department. But coming to that realization took 24 years and a lot of heartache, and I may wake up tomorrow and decide that frankly it isn't what I want to do. That's ok. You shouldn't live your life according to what other people want or say. I've traveled a lot, met a whole lot of people, and the most interesting, the most happy people I've met are the ones that have woken up each day and said, "what am I going to experiance today?" They've never gotten up and had a plan. They've gone out and just lived life and experianced it.

I'm not telling you to jump in your car tomorrow and drive across country. But don't let anything hold you back from doing whatever it is that gets you excited and makes you happy.

We often let the little things stand in the way of making our dreams come true. "But I have to work because of my bills"..."But my friends will think I'm wierd"..but this, but that....don't let anything stand in the way.

I just wish I could get rid of all this, figure out how to let go without letting go..

Here's a quote from one of my favorite authors, Bill Bryson:

"The way I see it, there are three reasons never to be unhappy.

First, you were born. This in itself is a remarkable achievement. Did you know that each time your father ejaculated (and frankly he did it quite a lot) he produced roughly 25 million spermatozoa-enough to repopulate Britian every two days or so? For you to have been born, not only did you have to be among the few batches of sperm that had even a theoretical chance of prospering-in itself quite a long shot-but you then had to win a race against 24,999,999 or so other wriggling contenders, all rushing swim the English Channel of your mother's vagina in order to be the first ashore at the fertile egg of Coulogne, as it were. Being born was easily the most remarkable achievement of your whole life. And think: You could just as easily have been a flarworm.
Second, you are alive. For the tiniest moment in the span of eternity you have the miraculous privilge to exist. For endless aeons you did not. Soon you will bease to be once more. That you are able to sit here right now in this one never-t-be-repeated moment, reading this book, eating bonbons, dreaming about hot sex with that scrumptious person from accounts, speculatively sniffing your armpits, doing whatever you are doing-justexisting-is really wondrous beyond belief.
Third, you have plenty to eat, you live in a time of peace, and "Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree" will never be number one.
If you bear these things in mind, you will never be truly unhappy-though in fairness I must point out that if you find yourself alone in Weston-super-Mare on a rainy Tuesday evening, you may come close."

Admist the humor....I think you get my point, and Mr. Brysons as well. This too shall pass as Bono says....

if you read this, you cna now cart me away to a mental hospital please. I know most people go through this kind of thing, they just don't like to admit it. but if anyone feels like telling me how they've dealt with it, well I'm listening.

now I just feel like being a wimp and crying so I'm leaving.[/B]

We're not going to cart you off. Don't be rediculous. What you are experiancing is totally normal. I've been there myself, many times.

I don't know if anything I've said will help, but if ya need to talk, email me.

nswogger@aol.com



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All is quiet on New Year's Day
Think I'll try and impress my mates
So I jumped into the lake
I won't do that again
Here we go again - A

IM me at popkidu2

 

[Like O2]

Ahhh Nikki ~ I'm SO sorry you're feeling bad. I wish I had the perfect thing to say to you. I wish you were right here so I could give you a great big hug and kiss on the forehead, cause that's what I do when I don't know what to say. So here's the best I can do over the internet...

(((({{{Nikki}}}))))

I wanna tell you it's all gonna be okay because I really think it will all be okay for you. But I also know when you feel this down sometimes the last thing you wanna hear is "it's gonna be okay" cause it SO doesn't feel like it. So I'm just gonna do my best and hope it helps.

First, what about your parents? Can you/will you talk to them? You might think there's no way in the world they'll understand where you are coming from, but I bet they do. Or maybe your swim coach or someone at your or a church.

About your swim team, is there anyone on the team that's also rather new like you are? They may be feeling the same way you are and would love it if they had someone to hang with. Or maybe you could ask some of the team members to do something with you away from practice, go to a movie or something. They might surprised you and say sure, and once you're all away from the pressure of the team, it might be alot easier to get to know each other.

Unfortunately, you're right that the world has alot of lonely people in it, but ya know what, there are also alot of caring people who don't need to hurt others to feel good about themselves. You don't have to be self-centered to survive, as a matter of fact, I think you'll survive alot better if you aren't. Here's a suggestion that might sound crazy, but give it a try and see what happens....why don't you volunteer to do something for someone else, someone you don't know. Now maybe you're thinking "right, I go help someone else and I'll feel better???" but I swear it works. Volunteer to help serve meals in a shelter, volunteer to read the newspaper to the blind, volunteer to help at a nursing home or a hospital, volunteer at an understaffed elementary school to tutor kids that need some extra attention. If you help someone else, especially someone you don't know, they'll feel better but so will you. And you never know, you just might find yourself in "that person", you may realize that guy is great but damn is he missing out on me, you may realize that my sister is great looking but I have a special quality, talent, idea that makes me unique. I know your time is probably pretty limited with your swim practice and all your other activities, but even if you do something once a month, it can help you and someone else.

I can't tell you how I dealt with this because my situation was much different when I was your age. My dad was really sick so I had a ton of other issues to deal with that I don't think would apply to your situation. But I will tell you that I came through all of them and you will too!

Bottom line, keep talking about how you feel, even if it's posting in here. And if you want to chat more off the board, please e-mail me likeo2@usa.net I really mean it.

I hope that this helped in some way.

I hope that you get a good nights sleep and that tomorrow is better than today.

Peace ~ Eileen

 

[BabyGrace]

I don't know what to say. thanks so much to both of you, that was incredibly kind..

I'm feeling a little silly right now because a)I do have people to talk to. I've been talking with my dad a lot and also with my best friend. I don't know what I'd do without her b/c she's prolly the only person my age I can tell absolutely anything. b) my problems are silly. look at what you two have gone through. c) I like to be vocal about my feelings and so cos how I'm feeling is rather personal I decided to dump it in the supposed anonymity (um is that a word?) of the internet.

but despite that, thanks so much, believe it or not, just hearing what you guys have to say makes me feel a little better. Eileen, I'm really going to try doing some volunteer work b/c I've been wanting to for some time and I just always make excuses for myself about how busy I am...not exactly right. and Nick thanks so much, thinking about myself being a flareworm cracked me up..
anyway, both of you, I take back what I said about people just trying to hurt everyone else, I was making stupid generalizations, and you guys are just proof that I'm talking crap

thanks , it meant a lot and I apologize for letting my bad feelings spill over. it does feel good to talk about it though
*hugs*

take care,
Nikki
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honesty is a hard attribute to find when we all want to seem like we got it all figured out...

 

[Like O2]

Originally posted by BabyGrace:
I'm feeling a little silly right now because a)I do have people to talk to. I've been talking with my dad a lot and also with my best friend.

I'm so glad to hear this, keep talkin' to them

I know what you mean about feeling silly. Sometimes I post something here or send an e-mail to someone and then the next day think "why on I earth did I say that?" When I post about feeling down and the next day I feel better, what I wrote seems really lame. And sometimes what I post seems lame IMMEDIATELY (like all the sillyness in It's Official right now). But that's how we feel at the moment and thank God it's better later, right?

I apologize for letting my bad feelings spill over. it does feel good to talk about it though

No need for apologies, this is a rather "safe" place to let all the excess spill. Come on back whenever you need or want to. And next time it might just be me doing the same.

Take care and (if you want) let us know how the swim team is coming along.

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"See, the rock star gets his way! Thank you very much. This feels very Elvis. Thank you."

Bono ~ Houston, Texas 4-02-01

 

[Achtung_Bebe]

Nikki,

Don't feel silly in the slightest. All of these feelings that you are feeling--we all experience them in our life. It is completely natural, so I don't want you to feel alone. There is not much else to add to what popkid and Like O2 have said. However, I would just like to extend myself to you.

Please don't under-estimate yourself for a second. I have siblings, so I can understand how you may feel regarding your sisters, but if you ever feel inferior somehow I want you to push that feeling to the side. Your outer appearance doesn't even begin to sum up who you are. True love does not dwell on looks. If you continue to be yourself, and feel confident in who you are, then you will find someone who values you for you... somebody who values your every characteristic. You have plenty of time to find your match--somebody who will get to know you from the inside and never look back. Somebody who will compliment your good points and bring them to the surface. You're not average Nikki. You're a diverse and unique individual. Don't be in a hurry sis, you've got lots of time.

A handful of the poems you have posted in DOL have brought tears to my eyes, so I just know you have lots to offer... *HUGS*

Keep your head up Nikki, I'm here for you if you ever need to talk things through.

aiwiu2@u2dublin.com

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"If I am close to the music, and you are close to the music, we are close to each other." -Bono

 

[Trash Can]

Do'h!!!
I caught this thread a lil too late.
Oh well.
Nikki, I'm glad too know you are feeling better about things. As suggested before, talk to someone, ANYONE. And remember, "This too shall pass" (U2 should write a song about such an issue!...Hmmmmm)
Looks like youve got plenty of people that care about you at home, and here! You are truley blessed.
Hang in there. Keep feeling your feelings, and expressing those feelings, and talking to people that care about you. You are NOT alone.

God bless.


_____________________

"The heart beats it's strongest when it beats for others."

 

[BabyGrace]

thanks Trash Can and Bebe

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contradiction is balance

 

[The Wanderer]

I have no clever things to say, but from what I can tell you don't give yourself enough credit

just hang in there though, after you've finished high school you will have more control over your life and the places you go and people you meet, you will have a better understanding of who you are and what you want (well, in theory)

On a personal note, I don't have much to complain about, I have a lot to live for, it's weird I was thinking that I've really only ever found one person in my whole life who I've felt 100% myself, completely free and pure with and life is such a nice thing that it teases you with that and makes it so difficult and now even more difficult... What am I saying? Oh right, life gives you everything and takes it all away, but you have to fight it and hang on to those things that are important that you need in order to be happy, and just let go of the stuff that doesn't matter, that's what it's about, you have to figure out that stuff that's important though and find a way to hang on to it

nevermind my ramblings, I just wanted to say that I have great respect and admiration for you Nikki, I know I'm just one anonymous person, but it doesn't look like I'm the only one