an assortment of thoughts + "a new hope..."

[For Honor]

Hello again, I've been away for a while... I don't think I've been online in a month or more.



I guess the main reason I wanted to write this was because of a new feeling, or a new clarity I've been able to experience. It started about 2 weeks ago, and since then, it's manifested.


And, yes, I know about ups and downs of life, emtional fluctuations.... but this is different. It's a mindset shift... I can't explain it. BUt it's like you can see things with more clarity and less distortion. NOw, a numver of things have been going on, and it's probably a comination, but first and formost, it's the "waiting" - - basically, when I get home, it's just passing time. For a number of reasons, I am confined to my house after I get out of school, so it's basically I am home for several hours, and then I go to sleep, and then wake up and go to school, and the cycle goes on. That seems more like a negative thing, but I'm not sure how it fits into the major scheme yet, but maybe I will when I'm done writing.



As far as school goes, it's always been a place I didn't like because of it's social scene, or as it were, how I fit into the social scene - I felt very isolated, and in all reality I was and still am. But I think part of the change has been not really worrying about that, not feeling upset or bad about that.... (well, that's not it...).... it's more like I felt something was *Wrong, either with other people or with me. And perhaps its a maturation on my part, but I don't feel that way so much. There isn't anything "Wrong", it just is. And I'm just biding my time.... it sounds so simple when I write it, but it's taken a lot of understanding and molding to really see things this way. But that's just it, I am not changing how I think, I am just getting a more real view, with less personal internal dialouge, more "zen", more in the moment, "now".

In many ways, I am proud, becuase I am always working to better myself like that, and this is one of those benchmarks or checkpoints to becoming a better overall person. A new level. And I'm happy about it, because it's achieveing something that I've strived for,

but it's sort of diferent, because that "something", it's a level or state of being that I only now recognize after I've acheived it, like, prior to this breakthrough, I had no idea what it was like, but looking back, I can see how I was slowly working towards it. Last week, after slowly chipping away for a long time, it just came.


This new level, it's interesting, because in my social interactions with people, it's not just confiedence, but it's also been a different "energy" level. I would almost say a new level of awareness. Being more awake, and less clouded by thoughts- and when I say that, it strikes me, because I almost feel wrong in that I don't see things as deeply --- in a sense that my awareness is on a more present level, not one that's lost in analyzing.


------

ah! I have more to write... but I have to be off at 9-- more about that later.



Hope everyone here is doing well, and best wishes to those members who are in need of some good fortunes their way.

more to come....


until next time.......


PS: (notes for later - music, "chatting with an old friend by the window", "song of the four seasons", "maidens of the tea mountain", "Imagine", "Across the universe", "let it be"

- mojo
- sociolgy
- wasting time..........? )

 

[lady luck]

I am not sure I understood perfectly what you mean.
You're very young, I presume, and it's stunning that you're able to go so deep into yourself.
hope this will help you show your soul to the others.
LoL

Lady Luck

 

[For Honor]

yeah, I'm at the point where I feel like I know everyhing, but I know I'm still "a kid"..... I know I have a lot to learn and do



I don't know if I make any sense, really. That's why I wonder what good writing or talking really does, but I test the waters every now and then.


It's funny looking at that post now, almost 2 weeks later.
I'll start a new thread about "waiting" since I have so much spare time now..........But really,,,,,,,

the thing is, I've come to a conclusion that there is very little I can say about "me" at this point in my life, because it always has a way of being incomplete or not 100% real. I can't convey it to anyone, nor can I become close to anyone right now. It's very odd, and it was even stranger when I came to this conclusion.

I used to thing it was totally "my fault" for being the way I am, but now I see that I've taken a little too much resonsability for some things, and perhaps that deluded me even further. It's not neccesarily acceptance, it's not neccesarily detachment, but maybe a little of both. Whatever it is, I can see clearly, or at least more so than before, and though in one sense my list of availible actions are shorter, it's easier because I don't feel like I have so much to do.

I'm sorry, I don't know if that makes any sense, and I dare not re-read it again, because, well, it sounded like a mess from this standpoint, too.


It sort of reminds me of "the serenity prayer"

the courage to deal with things
patience and understanding to face what cannot be changed,
and the wisdom to "know the difference"

I think I've gotten a little more wisdom lately, so to say.
but sometimes I'm too "deep into myself", maybe even conceited and clouded, and that's why it's good to find distrctions and come online here to make sure I see what goes on outside of "me". Sometimes I talk about myself too much, and have done so before. It always seemse to be one way or another, tacit or full of words.

but I'm beginning to "know the difference", to understand that a little more.



------

one thing, two things, I can talk about.
Music - I'm finding that music with regular words, lyrics, classic rock, rock, rap, anything I've heard before - they are all sort of loosing appeal rapidly. It all sounds the same. There are some great songs, but aside from those rarities, it's either U2, or some old classics like the Beatles. The industry is just so.... industrialized, it's not music to me anymore, and that leaves me searching for other things. The Joshua Tree will always be my first and most favorite album, but playing it too much ruins it, like anything else. I'm finding instrumental music best, techno or jazz or anything like that. (I always remember trying to explain that "I like music for music", as in, more than the words, the structure, etc. So I came across this album of "Chinese bamboo flute music" or something, and it's great. It's just instrumental, and they are old fold songs, but they are music, and they are pure. It's refreshing. Maybe it's a deeper level of music, or maybe I've just gotten bored, but it's nice, and I find that with music like that, I can enjoy the deeper things in life more so, and it helps me to see more clearly.

there is the everyday world that I've lived in for so long, but there is a deeper world that I can only get glimpses of, and I'm glad because I think I'm slowly getting closer to that.

-

The other thing, my sociology class...... I don't know, some of the kids just don't seem to get it. A lot have dropped out, but something about this class appeals to me, it's that sense of.... depth or something that I've been looking for, and maybe even down the road as an occupation. There is only one other student who seems to enjoy it, and he's definitely going to an Ivy Leauge school. Not to sound like I'm smart or Ivy Leauge material, but I mean to say that there aren't many people who really see things in some ways, or are able to get into some things.


of course, just like everything else..... I suppose it does have something to do with my own sort of "quest" at finding out who I am and why I am this way.... but here I go again, talking about myself in excess. I hope I don't sound too conceited- I really do think that the more you understand yourself, the more you understand the world around you, but that shouldn't be an excuse for talking about yourself all the time

(oh, and I had to say this)
at least lady luck is on my side


well, I don't know if there is anything more for me to write (....)
until next time, perhaps...

 

[lady luck]

I think I know part of what you say.
for a long while I lived in the shadows of a beutiful sister with a strong personality.
now is no longer so, i made completely different choices, i joined amnesty, and i stop being afraid.
and everyday I found something new about myself

it's great you

 

[For Honor]

abrupt ending?


Thanks for posting, though.


I h ave so much to write, I hope I can get back to wrrite more here......

 

[lady luck]

Yes, but now I can't remember what I was writing....

 

[For Honor]

hey, that's alright.

It's nice to know that people care enough to read what I write.
That's reward enough.

Thanks

 

[lady luck]

One of the reason why I like this forum is that at times someome comes out and writes down his/her own, intimate thoughts.

I think this is soooo great! You try to put out what you have inside and in the majority of cases these are thought you would't share even with your best friend or your lover.

This idea of talking and writing about oneself with strangers is extraordinary for me!

 

[For Honor]

Yeah, it is a rather interesting sense of liberty. Yet even with that freedom, there is a sense somewhat of a community...


Sometimes I wonder if I write too much, but then i just seem to forget about that worry.


And it's really good for some people to be able to just let out the flood. I imagine that it's like this for other people, but for me, there is no one I can talk to about a lot of these things- there are people here, but if I was as open as I am here, it would cause too many waves in this ocean of turmoil that I already am try to stay afloat in...


For me, I often have so many things on my mind that the only way I can get everything out and think about it is to write it or type it, because if I try to do everything in my head, I can't remember it all and work with it at the same time :-/

---------------------------------------------

I don't know where I addressed it before, but I think why I like typing so much and reading others' posts is because it's like a major sensory stimulus. Eyesight, maybe, but..... I can't exlplain it, but I sometimes just need to think about things.

If I deal with something that I already have mastered, like, an old videogame or something, it just leaves me feeling.... stagnent.


But here, at least I can let my mind loose, for better or worse I don't know.


Even if it's superfluos, sometimes just thinking or seeing something will inspire you into something else that really does matter, something grander.

 

[lady luck]

I agree with you last sentence completely!

that was one thing that make me elect U2 to my favourite band!

I think this ability man have to write down and so give a form to their thought is a gift.

I'm going through an uncertain period of my life -- all is soooo messy -- and I found some relief in writing down things just for me! Also because at times it happens that, once you've written your problem, you can manage to find a solution!

 

[For Honor]

Yeah. I agree.



But unfortunately no matter how much you write, it doesn't make time go any faster. I've written so much out, and while it has helped me see and understand, I'm still waiting.


There is so much that has to pass, and I am trying to find ways to productively occupy my time, but it seems like it's all a mess.


And the more I write, sometimes it seems like the less that happenes, or the slower the time goes. But really, I don't have a great number of options. So, empty complaints and whining is essentially what I am reduced to.....

rather pathetic.....


but perhaps others can learn from my mistakes........

 

[lady luck]

do you really take it as a mistake?

 

[For Honor]

Do I take it as a mistake?




Well, there in lies some of the problem – I’ve developed such a habit of seeing things as “in need of corrections”, and really, I’ve just grown tired of problems.

I had a bit of a revelation the other day, when I just found out I was tired of problems. And, even though this is something I’ve always preached, it never hit me –

I don’t have any problems.

Nothing is wrong, except that there is a flaw in how I see things. That is the “problem”.





Now, going back to the main question – do I see it as a mistake.
My writing so much?
Or what I write about- do I see those things as mistakes?


Well, as far as writing goes… I don’t know. I hope I don’t come across as sort of conceited, or like I’m trying to be some body who just likes to write, or see their own words (like someone who enjoys talking just to hear there own voice – being conceited).

I see a mistake, generally, in that I get too focused on writing and expressing my problems. Other people don’t really want to hear that sort of thing.

And like my revelation – I don’t really have any problems. I say that in a Zen, philosophical way, as in things is the way they are, and that’s all.
As in, I’m no longer looking for the right road to be on, because, there is no road, and no matter what, I am always doing what I am supposed to do. Making the mistakes, learning, the difficulties, it’s all part of the process.


But, alternatively thinking, if I feel like I have all these problems, then I start diagnosing everything as if it were a problem. I don’t think about what I’m doing, I focus on what I don’t have, or what I want, or “what’s wrong”


So really, I guess you can say that my problem has been “wrong thinking”.


And understanding this has brought so much more insight and understanding, and I feel so much better, just now in these past few days and weeks.




I don’t know…. Sometimes it seems like I just write too much.
But it’s hard to find the balance between not saying anything, and saying too much.


And besides, I write the most about myself, and I imagine that it seems self centered.
I always try to have a disclaimer that I use all my posts, all my answers, really, as ways of figuring things out for myself.

I really do have a genuine concern for people, and one thing that irritates me the most is when people don’t believe that. And that wouldn’t bother me, except for the fact that I do care a lot about things and people.


But it’s like I’m trying to find the answer to this massive question… I’m on some sort of quest, that all of this, even this post encompasses… I’m trying to find something, and I don’t know if this paragraph makes any sense, but it’s true, and it’s a very deep thing I’m trying to find. But what I’m looking for isn’t about me, it’s about the world, which, yes, I am a part of.


I’m trying to find….

Or is it to understand….

I’m trying to understand __________ …..??

(I guess I really don’t have words for it yet, but later on, I will try to write it out, though. It’s good that I got this much out, because I can come back to it later)


Thanks for reading

 

[lady luck]

When I found myself stuck in such situations, I tend to start singing...

It works for me!

 

[For Honor]

Yeah, I actually foud that out not too long ago.


Some songs are really good at uplifting you, and if you just sing it, it's like you sort of project that good feeling from the inside out.


Very cool

 

[lady luck]

Yes!
You know, sometimes I arrive home after a working day and I am so nervous I start behaving in an awful way. The solution is to go to my room, switch the stereo and try and relax.
It works.

 

[For Honor]

Sometimes I do the same thing.


Music has a lot of very powerful qualities to it.
People should respect it more than they do, I think

 

[lady luck]

what is the writing in your signature?

 

[For Honor]

That's a very good question......

allow me to explain:


"Habeo" means "I have" in Latin, which is what I take as a forerign language. I didn't choose it for relgious reasons or anything, I like ancient Rome becaues of the mythology and culture. And really, English has a bunch of words that come from Latin, and even other languages have similarities, aka Romance languages.

Romance is a good thing
anyhow, whenever you run into someone who takes Latin, it's sort of a reaction where you have to justify yourself as to why you took it. I never saw myself being that way, but tht's how it goes.......




Right......


So, "Habeo" means "I have".

all that follows is actually part of some sort of Samurai code. I don't mean to say that I try to act like a Samurai, but when I was doing some soul searching, I came across that code. I like it's vaules of honor and all that (thus For Honor). Even though it's mystical and somewhat impracticle, I think it they are good things to strive for- honor, justice, honesty, duty, etc.

There are also the 7 points of the Samurai code, but that's something else for later.


Let me find the actual code, or was it creed, and I will ppost it so it's true form may be seen...........


The one I have in my sig line is an adapted version, though, because the real version would be way too long.

 

[For Honor]

Here is a site where you can see the code, and there might be some other relevant links on this page



Yeah, so here it is. I'm glad you asked, because I imagine my sig seems pretty weird if you don't have any idea what it is talking about. But it serves as a reminder for me, and even with only the first half of each sentance, there is still a message there for me.

I don't know, I guess it's something that intrigues me, and it's not as flashy as my other ones. Flashy is nice, but, I would rather be reminded of things that I feel really matter, and not something that looks visually appealing. But that being said, variety is the spice of life, and I will change my sig from time to time...... I guess.


Well, no more waiting; here's the "Creed" in it's full form:

I have no parents; I make the Heavens and the Earth my parents.
I have no home; I make the Tan T'ien my home.
I have no divine power; I make honesty my Divine Power.
I have no means; I make Docility my means.
I have no magic power; I make personality my Magic Power.
I have neither life nor death; I make A Um my Life and Death.


I have no body; I make Stoicism my Body.
I have no eyes; I make The Flash of Lightning my eyes.
I have no ears; I make Sensibility my Ears.
I have no limbs; I make Promptitude my Limbs.
I have no laws; I make Self-Protection my Laws.


I have no strategy; I make the Right to Kill and the Right to Restore Life my Strategy.
I have no designs; I make Seizing the Opportunity by the Forelock my Designs.
I have no miracles; I make Righteous Laws my Miracle.
I have no principles; I make Adaptability to all circumstances my Principle.
I have no tactics; I make Emptiness and Fullness my Tactics.


I have no talent; I make Ready Wit my Talent.
I have no friends; I make my Mind my Friend.
I have no enemy; I make Incautiousness my Enemy.
I have no armour; I make Benevolence my Armour.
I have no castle; I make Immovable Mind my Castle.
I have no sword; I make No Mind my Sword.

I can see how it might seem somewhat harsh and detached at first, but really, there are some useful ideas there. I should read the full version more often. I found it when I was soul searching and it came up when I was looking for ways to live with truth and honor.

And I've studied detachment a lot - it's pros and cons.
So this has something to do with that, as well.

 

[lady luck]

WOW! that's so interesting!

did you find more pro or cons to detachment?

 

[For Honor]

Well, for me, I've been so detached from things already, that learning how to harness it's power is a good thing.

It's always good to learn how to turn a strength into a weakness.


But, as I say, "after the first 7 years, solitude is wasted time"



For me, I've had lots of personal time to think things out, and now is the time for me to apply my thoughts and theories. Some people hate being alone, but I don't. And there really is a lot of power - being happy with nothing. But really, at the same time,

life isn't just about you, or, for me, life isn't about me. I'm fine, I can die tomorrow and it won't matter. I don't have any major needs, really. I want to be in love, and have a good life, but, really, I can live on nothing.
.


The downside of detachment, and a common misconception in it's practice, is that you isolate yourself from the world.

That's false, really.


Zen is about unity with all things.
It's a lot like

Star Wars

Light side/Dark side.
THe light preaches restraint and duty, the Dark preaches self gratification and emotion.


Which is stronger? Neither.
In fact, both are just as flawed, in my opinion.

---------


whoops, back to detachment!!!


I think if you really want to be happy in life, you must learn how to be happy with yourself. And nothing more.

No love, no home, no parents, no friends
no enemies, all of that.


Because really, that's all there is, just you, and your perception.
Is your friend an enemy, or your eemy a friend?




The truth is, when you are calm, you see things for what they are. Just like trying to throw something, if you are moving around and flopping all around, it's generally harder. But if you stand still and focus, throwing gets easier.

It's all about how you want to live life-
if you want to live on a higher level, well, then you need to have calm to see things on a higher level.


But if you just want to live from one high to another, then just rush through life.

Neither is better, but I think you need to figure out what kind of person you are if you want to get the most out of life

 

[For Honor]

I know my tendancies, and generally, who I am.


I have an extreme sense of duty towards people, I realize, and I have to make sure that it is towards the right people, otherwise I will be living a fools life. Most importantly, that duty has to be to me, otherwise, it's all a waste. I would so easily dedicate my life to something, and that is why I am so selective when it comes to things.

I only want the best, or at least my version of it. BUt that is only because my definition of "the best" are those things that have great meaning and great durability. If something is going to be gone tomorrow, then why bother with it today, so to say.

Yet there is also a sense of greatness that comes from spontinuity and chance happenings, even if it's just for a moment.

Life is just for a moment, and sometimes I do forget that.



-------------------


But then again, I honestly feel like there are few people who have been more alone, more time in solitude than I have. I am young, but, as far as percentage of life alone, i'd say I get a lot of it. Teenagers always feel a lone, because tht is part of growing up. The difference is that I've actually been physically alone from people for a long, long time.


Thus far, a big thing has been learning how to make that a strength and not something I hate about myself

 

[For Honor]

Detachment......


there are many forms, intelectualy, physical, mental, emotional....



I think I've gotten to all of them , at least in some way.
But I doubt I'm the only one. I won't be that conceited.




This reminds me - I should start picking up those books about Zen again... They calm me, and let me see the truth.


Sometimes being around other people, it gets me jealous and weakens me. I'm not calm.

I need to center myself, and see the truth.
See what really matters



That's what Zen/detachment is good for.




Everyone is alone, born alone, die alone.



And with that, comes infinite unity.




as always


it's all about




perspective

 

[lady luck]

I like this that you wrote: "I think if you really want to be happy in life, you must learn how to be happy with yourself. And nothing more"

yes! That's exactly the true. I thought I was in love with a guy and that my happiness came from that. Then I found out he's in love (maybe) with another girl. At the beginning, I felt soooo jealous. Then I realise one can't put his/her happiness ONLY in other people's hands. The people that are with us have an influence on us, of course, but in the end one founds that it's something that comes from your inner part!

 

[lady luck]

I don't agree with this: "Everyone is alone, born alone, die alone"

When you born, at least your mother's there!!!

as for your death... well, I was grown up as a catholic and I think I am still religious, in some way, even if I don't attend messes and things like that. So I tend to think you're not alone when you die...

 

[lady luck]

Again, I love this conversation we're having!
And I can't believe that such deep things come from such a young person!

 

[For Honor]

Oh, well, it's my pleasure.

I am ususally too deep in thought... and sometimes I need to totally step back from everything, because sometime I get so focused that I just drive it into the ground....


Sometimes the best thing for me to do is to write things out and just say what I think needs to be said. Or just rant or whatever. The internet is good for that, especially if you are like me, who, until recently, did not have many other options.


I've been in love, too, and I know what you are talking about. It's so easy, so deceptive and maybe even seductive to put all your happiness into one person...

But I realize that sometimes you are just fooling yourself. And really, true love is love in which you don't expect anything in return. That's hard for me to do sometimes, because I base a lot of my thoughts on

"what's this worth" or "is it practical" or "is it worth it", things like that.



But I'm just a kid in the world, I have to remember that too.
I think sometimes I just want to do so much, and I don't realize that I can't do everything, especially now as since I'm still young, basically.

 

[For Honor]

one of my first real personal quotes:

"If you cannot stand alone, then you cannot stand at all" - me



I really believe that is true, in many ways.
But... that doesn't mean you can detach yourself from the world around you. No matter what I say, or do, I am always going to be aware of what is around me, that's just part of me, and I've come to realize that I can't do much about that. Being alert all the time isn't neccesarily a good thing- lots of stress.

I guess it's just that only you can choose what your life is, and how happy you are, and what you see when you look at things. The quote is about independance, sure.


ah! i lost my train of thought - I had to leave the room for a few minutes, and now I don't know where I was going with this. Oh well.

Hahaha

 

[lady luck]

Independence... one of the greatest thinh I could learn from this life experience.

for some reasons I'm learning self-confidnce and it's great!! Especially when it takes you the moment you enter a room or you walk down a street. Amazing feeling!
You know, walking with your head up and a fierce pace... makes you feel so in peace with the rest of the world