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Old 07-06-2010, 10:39 PM   #46
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does this mean that Dieman isn't really a man?





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Old 07-06-2010, 10:50 PM   #47
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It's German for "the man, the."

(you should add another "die" to the end of your name)
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Old 07-07-2010, 10:21 AM   #48
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I don't find it particularly difficult to stay faithful to my fiancée. I imagine I'm not alone in not finding it all that difficult to stay faithful to my partner.
Yet there are people who find it difficult. The majority it seems from the OP - skyrocketing divorce rates, single parenthood and sexless, passionless marriages - is there something wrong with them?

The ones who achieve long-term happiness (or fulfillment), what are they doing differently?

platitudes about communication will not suffice here
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Old 07-07-2010, 10:49 AM   #49
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The ones who achieve long-term happiness (or fulfillment), what are they doing differently?

platitudes about communication will not suffice here
Someone said that no size fits all, and every relationship is different.

However, both my parents and my in-laws celebrated 35 and 30 years, respectively. They say a few things have helped them over the years:

1. Communication. (It's sad when a cliche is true, isn't it?)
2. Regular sex. (2-3 times/week)
3. Cooperative decision making. (ie., no one person rules the roost)
4. Regular time together. (Date night once a week)
5. Physical/emotional/mental fidelity. (like Diemen said, it's not difficult if you want to be)
6. The willingness to sacrifice for the sake of the other person -- on both sides.
7. Keeping work in its appropriate place. (don't be consumed by a job or career)
8. Remembering that the kids are guests in your home -- guests who will someday leave.
9. Having a network of support -- church, close friends, etc. -- people who can tell you when you're wrong.

I think the reality is that the biggest thing to making a relationship/marriage work is choosing the right person. As has been said before, sexual compatability is not the same thing as relational compatability, but an awful lot of decisions are made based on chemistry, not compatability. Or they get married, and one person -- or both -- get focused on other things ("hey, I married you, didn't I?"), and are then surprised when they wake up 2, 3, 5, 10 years into a marriage and say, "I don't know this person anymore." The wedding day is just the start of everything.

It leaves you, baby, if you don't care for it.
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Old 07-07-2010, 01:51 PM   #50
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1. Communication. (It's sad when a cliche is true, isn't it?)
The reason I said that will not suffice is that it's so broad a concept that it ends up being meaningless.

How far are you gonna go before you lose your way back home.
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Old 07-07-2010, 02:08 PM   #51
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Yet there are people who find it difficult. The majority it seems from the OP - skyrocketing divorce rates, single parenthood and sexless, passionless marriages - is there something wrong with them?

The ones who achieve long-term happiness (or fulfillment), what are they doing differently?

platitudes about communication will not suffice here
I would imagine everyone will find it difficult at some point in their marriage. It may not always be difficult and it may not even be difficult most of the time, but for everyone there are times what it is difficult. The ones who achieve long-term happiness are the ones (assuming they are both emotionally and mentally healthy) that stick it out when the difficult times come. And not merely "endure" but find ways to grow as individuals and as a couple through it.

Shoot. Can't think of a good U2 lyric to drive home my point.
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Old 07-07-2010, 02:31 PM   #52
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Shoot. Can't think of a good U2 lyric to drive home my point.
I guess it's the price of love, I know it's not cheap.



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And not merely "endure" but find ways to grow as individuals and as a couple through it.
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Old 07-07-2010, 02:59 PM   #53
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It's not possible for human beings to be monogamous. We are animals. No matter how beautiful or loving or kind our partner is, there is always somebody else who piques our interest. That's why you see guys married with beautiful women, always cheating. The same goes for women. It is very, very difficult for any human being not to stray. It's our nature to cheat. Almost everybody cheats. The trick is to not get caught.

Personally speaking, I will never be in this predicament because women don't find me remotely attractive. Not one single female. It's a fact.
This post never would have been made by someone in a monogamous relationship.

Score one for the "home" team.
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Old 07-07-2010, 03:19 PM   #54
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My thought process:

Since happiness (as well as its importance within the context of a fulfilling human relationship) is entirely subjective, I would rather not think about it. Life may be too short to deny ones own primal urges, but I figure spending time apart from your best friend, your partner, is equally wasteful. If you can find a partner who is special enough to deviate from monogamy to the precise degree that you find acceptable, you have my blessing. But even within those parameters, I too am skeptical of such an existence being repercussion-free.

Besides, I'll never be an orgy guy. I'd have to purchase robes and lotions, get new friends, and grow a mustache.
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Old 07-07-2010, 05:54 PM   #55
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i guess the thrust of all this -- snerk -- is whether or not these repercussions are as "natural" as our supposed non-monogamous nature, or whether or not they are totally socialized. i'm just trying to figure out why it is we do what we do, and the point of that being to try and live as authentically as possible.
If you're referring to the repercussions that arise from jealousy, A-W mentioned jealously being hard-wired. Hadn't heard that before. And the research of the OP article wouldn't support it if we used to be like free-lovin' bonobos.

For anyone who paid attention to the readings at a Catholic wedding..."love is not jealous...".

So why are we jealous?
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Old 07-07-2010, 06:37 PM   #56
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Happiness is fleeting in general, really. Unhappiness, though, while also transient, tends to last longer. I don't know that I'd want to embrace one fleeting moment of happiness and then live with years of unhappy consequences afterwards.
Happiness is a warm gun.
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Old 07-07-2010, 06:43 PM   #57
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Personally speaking, I will never be in this predicament because women don't find me remotely attractive. Not one single female. It's a fact.
There is always:

Girlfriend experience - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Capitalism is great, there's a supplier for every demand.
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Old 07-07-2010, 08:33 PM   #58
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This thread has high TMI potential but yeah, didn't see that one coming.

Well done.

I have now added polyamory, pansexual and GFE/BFE to my vocabulary.
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Old 07-07-2010, 10:15 PM   #59
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what's weird is that i'm watching "Fatal Attraction" right now.

sure, it's a very 1980s Glenn-Close-is-AIDS metaphor, but it's also about how women simply can't be trusted to keep a goddamn secret and not freak out about every little thing.
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Old 07-07-2010, 11:00 PM   #60
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There is always:

Girlfriend experience - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Capitalism is great, there's a supplier for every demand.
Anybody see the Steven Soderberg film "The Girlfriend Experience"? It's about just high-end call girl who provides exactly this type of service. Ironically, there's virtually no sex in the movie, which is all the more ironic because the main character is played by one of the biggest porn stars in the industry, Sasha Grey. It was actually quite interesting and really made me think. And Sasha rather unemotional performance somehow worked. I recommend it.
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