Torn

[Doozer61]

My ex is having surgery on Friday and I asked if I could go to the hospital. She said I should talk to her new partner about it. I thought about it and decided that I would not go because its confusing for her family as they often call her new partner by my name! So I told her I would hold good thoughts for her and see her when she is home recovering. She agreed that this was a good idea because we continue to go into that gray area of ex-relationship confusion.

Yesterday, her partner called and asked if I was going to the hospital. I told her no and she said that she would've liked me to be there to support her and be there for my ex. Then she went into this whole "i miss you as my friend" routine.

So,do I go or not?

 

[BAW]

No. You already know what will happen. Donna's parents will gravitate toward you, Barbara will get pissy and things will get tense and weird.

You've worked it out with Donna, don't worry about Barbara.




Not to be mean, but the next time Barbara talks about how she misses your friendship, remind her that dating a good friend's ex tends to make things wierd and the friendship is usually never the same

 

[oliveu2cm]

Hi Doozer!

I agree with BAW.. just on the basis that there seems to be a lot going on here, and things might get even more emotional in a hospital.

It's easy for people to get things out of us when we are worried about loved ones (i.e. her partner saying she missed your friendship) - but it's not really about working on a friendship right now. I would send flowers or a card to the hospital to show your concern, and visit when she is home.

(And I hope you are doing well yourself! )

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

I agree with Char.

 

[Sicy]

Sounds like it would be too confusing/awkward. I think you could maybe call? But I dont know if I would go.

 

[BluRmGrl]

What BAW said.
Some people are just compelled to create drama... sounds like that might be the case here. Soo, unless you LIKE being the middle of a soap opera, I think you're right to just wait 'til your ex gets home and then go check in.

 

[Laura M]

What everyone else has said

doozer

 

[Mr. BAW]

I think you oughta hit her with some lady balls.

 

[melon]

No. You already know what will happen. Donna's parents will gravitate toward you, Barbara will get pissy and things will get tense and weird.

You've worked it out with Donna, don't worry about Barbara.




Not to be mean, but the next time Barbara talks about how she misses your friendship, remind her that dating a good friend's ex tends to make things wierd and the friendship is usually never the same

Pretty sound advice, methinks!

Melon

 

[Doozer61]

thanks for the great advice and words of wisdom.

yeah, when i was talking to barb, i felt like i was being sucked into the vacuum.

 

[fah]

BAW is wise

The only differing advice I can offer is if Barbara's hospital stay turns out to be longer than expected you may want to visit. Also, you may want to try phoning her (if she is accepting phone calls).

 

[beli]

Set fire to something

 

[cell]

lmao

 

[Doozer61]

Sorry for the bump but since they have gone to Colorado, I feel like I can't even call over there. Everytime I do, the one has some lame as excuse for Donna to get off the phone. So now, they are gone and I can't even call without feeling like I am intruding. Yet, I am in charge of getting her mail from the old house!

 

[all_i_want]

well, i think it is time to rebel against the system, go wild and not get her mail

 

[fah]

I think all_i_want may be onto something here

 

[Doozer61]

yeah, i thought about that, but because she is on disability, if i don't mail the check then i don't get the money on the 2 credit cards we are still paying off.

 

[fah]

Can you put in a change of address and have the mail forwarded to the new address?

 

[RosieHS]

Forwarding mail is a great idea.

I hope I'm not being to forward for we haven't been acquainted - I'm new here (hello all!). But, it sounds like you keep being pulled in the wrong direction. You should make a clean break and be off on your own. Life is too short and you need to make the most of it. Cut off those loose ends and find a more supportable relationship.

It wouldn't be wise to bring this nonsense into a new relationship - unless your new love has great communication skills and you want to sort things out. Good luck.

 

[wolfeden]

yrgl.
my OtherMom had a situation like this with her ex, way back when I was a little kid and she and my mom had just gotten together.. the way she described it to me some years later still makes sense.. "you can't have your friends and cheat with 'em too..." sort of a long standing myth within the community, that everyone has to stay friendly with everyone else no matter who's hurt who.. this is coming up on almost 30 years ago now and it's still playing out in your life today..
sorry you have to go through it. I think BAW said it best.. and ms. i-miss-your-friendship can stop being so selfish..

 

[Doozer61]

thanks! i finally asked them about it today. i caught her online and barb said she put one in but half the mail i sent last night had her name on it. she's gonna check with the post office on tuesday.

donna however is starting to use my address so i don't have to go to the old house. its a long story, with her job and everything because she is on a leave.