to tell or not to tell

[AtomicBono]

well i'm sure this is a fairly common dilemna. I don't know if I should tell a guy I like him or not. we're really close friends and i've liked him for over a year now. sometimes I get the feeling he likes me, but i'm afraid that's just wishful thinking, because that's how it always is for me.

we're graduating in two months...going to different colleges...in the same state though, and i'll probably be around in the summer.

is it worth telling him? I don't want to make things weird... and it doesnt help that i'll feel really intensely for him one day and not so much the next. It's like I can't make up my mind. But I've been not making up my mind about it for so long now. and he's always there for me. i rely on him too much, really, because i know he cares.

meh...i don't know.

 

[LemonMelon]

I suggest, especially if you're parting ways when you graduate, that you tell him. You might as well. There are no guarantees in life, and if you never see him again, or rarely, it's going to eat you up if you don't let him know.

 

[MooMoo!]

well, if youre going seperate ways, you wouldnt really be able to be boyfriend-girlfriend per se, but I cant talk cos im in that situation of someone miles away "going out" with me.

If you cant decide, and it gets to the point of you about to go to college, tell him you'd really like to stay in touch, at least that way you'll have extra time to decide.

 

[A_Wanderer]

It's a no loss game: there is no loss if you don't have to deal with them ever again and if the answer is yes then the gain is there.

Of course if the answer is no you may end up bitter and alone; but isolation does have it's benefits.

 

[BonosBaby12]

I say go along with telling him how you feel. We will ignore the fact that it took me about 7 years to finally tell my closest guy friend how I felt about him Not together but we are still great friends and I felt really good for just getting it out there.

 

[BrownEyedBoy]

Say it. Gather up some guts and just blurt it out. I had that dilemma too and one night I just said it. Sure, she rejected me right away but a couple of months later after the "weird" factor wore down (we were "best friends") she came around and she was seduced by my charms. All I'm saying is, no one ever hit a home run sitting on the bench. Go for it. The worst that could happen is he says no ...and life goes on. Good luck!

 

[U2Girl1978]

Go for it. Then you won't have to worry about "what ifs". If he says no, he says no. I know that'll be heartbreaking but at least you'll know how he feels. It can't hurt to try right?

 

[Lancemc]

Well, given the circumstances, and the fact that you two are really close friends, I think that telling him could do one of two things. Either he'll say he likes you too and things will be nice, or he won't and things could be very wierd. I'm just saying, speaking from similar experience, something like this could really screw with the friendship, though it all depends on how he reacts. I must say though, that I have a feeling that girls treat these situations differently than guys. I mean, this is what happened to me (outside of the whole Kate ordeal, which could probably provide some insights as well):

I've had this friend (who we'll call Carol for the sake of the story) who I'd had fairly strong feelings for since Junior year of high school. During the summer before Senior year I decided I'd tell her how I feel once school started back up. However, when we do get back to school I find out that Carol is dating my good friend. This relationship lasts the entire year and partially into the following summer. Needless to say, I never told her how I felt.

So during last summer, Carol breaks up with my friend and we all go off to seperate colleges, blah blah blah. So, around the beginning of the whole Kate saga, when I was still very confused as to whether or not I should even tell her (Kate) I starting talking to Carol over facebook. We had a couple very good "conversations" about it and she really helped me understand the situation better. So one day I get the brilliant idea to tell Carol that I've had feelings for her for so long and that I'm just glad to have known such a wonderfull girl, and thank her for all the help and stuff.

I haven't heard from her since.

So that just goes to show that you can never really predict what will happen. But what I was saying earlier, is that if one of my female friends were to tell me they liked me, even if I didn't like them back, personally, I don't think it would screw up the friendship between us. But that's just how I'd react, and I'm finding out more and more frequently that I'm a rare exception when it comes to these things.

So, that probably wasn't much help. But take my story for what it's worth. And good luck.

 

[Allanah]

I'm in the "tell him!" camp. There are three option here:

1. He likes you back. *cue music* bow-chicka-bow-wow... and if that's the case, ask him out. You'll need a prom date, won't you?

2. He doesn't like you "that way" but is mature enough to handle it and will still want to be friends. This, of course, depends on whether you would still want to be friends with him once that's out in the open.

3. He doesn't like you "that way" and isn't mature enough to handle it. There will be two months of weirdness (and unless you have the same classes as this guy, you wouldn't have to see him much so.... awkwardness averted.) You then go onto college, kick ass in your classes, make fabulous new friends and meet some hot guys.

I'm not seeing a downside here. And no matter what happens, you'll feel infinitely better once you get that off your chest. Let us know what happens!

 

[Lancemc]

And no matter what happens, you'll feel infinitely better once you get that off your chest.

True. This is an important point. Because even if things do turn sour, which I hope they don't , it always does feel a lot better to get these things out, especially after festering for so long.

 

[AtomicBono]

3. He doesn't like you "that way" and isn't mature enough to handle it. There will be two months of weirdness (and unless you have the same classes as this guy, you wouldn't have to see him much so.... awkwardness averted.) You then go onto college, kick ass in your classes, make fabulous new friends and meet some hot guys.

yeah, that's the problem... he's in all my classes except one, and sometimes I skip to go to that one class to see him but I think - I hope - that he'd be mature enough to handle it. we're really close friends and he knows I have self-esteem issues and such so I doubt he'd be a jerk about it. I guess I just don't want to make our last two months weird. on the other hand if we were going to have anything at all it'd have to be soon...

Lancemc - I'm really sorry to hear about "Carol" I don't know if it's a girl/guy thing...I mean, if one of my guy friends said he had feelings for me (one of the ones I don't like that way ), I would definitely be understanding and do my best to keep things normal. I certainly wouldnt just cease all contact! That's a real bitch move. but perhaps we're both exceptons.

thanks for the advice everyone... my best friend also agreed that I should tell him. I guess I just have to find the right moment. We see each other at school all the time, but not alone, and I don't want to tell him over the internet or phone, even if that is a way to avoid an awkward situation, it's also kind of a cop-out. and i kind of don't want to make a huge deal out of it. I dunno. hopefully a time will arise soon.

 

[Lancemc]

Lancemc - I'm really sorry to hear about "Carol" I don't know if it's a girl/guy thing...I mean, if one of my guy friends said he had feelings for me (one of the ones I don't like that way ), I would definitely be understanding and do my best to keep things normal. I certainly wouldnt just cease all contact! That's a real bitch move. but perhaps we're both exceptons.

thanks for the advice everyone... my best friend also agreed that I should tell him. I guess I just have to find the right moment. We see each other at school all the time, but not alone, and I don't want to tell him over the internet or phone, even if that is a way to avoid an awkward situation, it's also kind of a cop-out. and i kind of don't want to make a huge deal out of it. I dunno. hopefully a time will arise soon.

Well thanks. Hah. I guess if you lose a friend that way, maybe you're better off without them in your life anyway? Maybe? I dunno. I'm totally over her anyway. Not to mention we'd probably make a terrible couple anyway.

But I think you're right. Try not to make it a big suspenceful ordeal like I did with Kate. I mean, I sent her a text early one morning telling her I had something I wanted to talk about, and we couldn't really get together until later that night, so I inadvertantly left her hanging in suspence for several hours. Whoops. But when I did tell her, I laid it out quick and simple, like "You know something? I think I'm in love with you". Then, "Oh, well, please come over here so we can talk about this." And then things were amazing for two weeks, and then got really fucked up. But that's probably a lesson in the delivery anyway.

Nobody likes playing games with stuff like this, so if you can just let him know as unstressfully as possible, and as straight-forward as possible, that would probably be for the best.

But keep us posted. I'm rootin' for ya.

 

[Cin]

I think you should tell him in a way that he can handle easily. Something like, " I think I have a crush on you. You don't have to do anything about it and I'll probably get over it. I thought I'd tell you so that you wouldn't think I was strange if you caught me looking at you."
I'm sure you're much more eloquent than me though. This way he has time to think it over without any pressure. If he decides he feels the same way, great, if not then you haven't lost a friend and you'll feel better for getting it off your chest.

My husband and I were friends for a while before we were together. He was even engaged to a good friend of mine[in highschool]. He made the leap and 10 years later we're still happy.