i dont know what to do.

[cell]

daisy doesnt want to go with her father this weekend. and i have both grandma's pressuring me to not let him take her. i would, but he's so hellbent on enforcing his weekend i dont want to deal with confrontation and him do something to me like take me back to court. daisy just doesnt want to go. and she believes she shouldnt have to. i agree.

i just dont like confrontation.

 

[nbcrusader]

At a certain age, the child can choose not to spend time with the non-custodial parent. I'm not sure where the courts draw the line on this one.

If Daisy makes it clear to her father that she does not want to go with him, he should respect her desires.

 

[LoveTown]

icelle I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this.

A large part of the issue for is, why doesn't she want to go with him? I am sorry but I don't know a whole lot about about your family situation. It seems to me that if she doesn't want to go with him and both grandmothers are against him taking her that there MUST be some underlying issue that has to be addressed. Children are often such good judges of character that my gut instict tells me that Daisy needs to be heard here.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

I don't know the legalities of a situation like this, but I really hope that Daisy gets her wish and doesn't have to see her father this weekend. Good luck, girl.

 

[U2Kitten]

I'm so sorry

And people wonder why I don't leave my husband. As if a divorce was the end. No, it's just the beginning of a whole new can of worms. I have several friends and relatives in the same situation as you, Icelle, and it's terrible. Once you get a custody agreement with the child's father, you are forced to live up to it or he takes you to court, even if the child does not want to go. Some fathers are emotionally abusive to the mother and kids during the meetups to hand kids back and forth, and while he has the kids. And the kids are forced to go. Some fathers even kidnap the kids. I won't ruin your thread with all the problems of other people, but let me say I pity anyone in this situation deeply and can't image it's any better than an uncool homelife. When you get the courts, or worse Social Services involved your life is no longer your own business. It's so sad. I wish we could all know before we have a kid with someone if he was going to be an ass or not, but we don't!

Here is one suggestion my cousin's daughter used: if she has to go with her father, when she's with him, make a nuisance of herself. Whine a lot. Do things you know he doesn't like (as long as he's not prone to beating kids!), keep asking for expensive stuff, and annoy him with songs he hates. For older kids, piercings and weird hair work too. If the kid is not enjoyable to be with, he will stop asking to see her/him. It's worth a try. Either that or try to have the court thing redone but I don't know much about that.

 

[carrieluvv]

how old is Daisy?
can she tell you the reasons she doesnt want to go?
hopefully its only a matter of Daddy not being as fun as mommy and nothing else.

you say you dont like confrontation, but you have to for your kids
ofcourse your daughter is worth it.

but talk to her first , maybe she just needs some reassurance and then express these things to your X.

it pisses me off to think this man is just lying on the couch when his child is bored out of her mind etc etc...but you have to do your own bit of investigating to make sure its only that

 

[BAW]

Here is one suggestion my cousin's daughter used: if she has to go with her father, when she's with him, make a nuisance of herself. Whine a lot. Do things you know he doesn't like (as long as he's not prone to beating kids!), keep asking for expensive stuff, and annoy him with songs he hates. For older kids, piercings and weird hair work too. If the kid is not enjoyable to be with, he will stop asking to see her/him. It's worth a try. Either that or try to have the court thing redone but I don't know much about that.

Any father who would stop seeing his kid because they were no longer enjoyable to be with is not much of a father in the first place.

And you can't put your kids up to things like this. Its underhanded and sneaky and teaches them to manipulate people. Besides, won't this just lead to all the more stressful visits for Daisy because she's no doubt going to be disciplined for this kind of behavior, and rightfully so?


Icelle, have a talk with her father. If Daisy keeps refusing to visit, he's going to take you to court anyway and they "might" force Daisy to visit no matter what. Its better to take care of this now before it gets really bad. Hopefully he'll be reasonable and let Daisy make up her own mind.

I wouldn't force her to go this weekend but you're going to have to deal with the next time so try and talk to him, preferably not in front of Daisy.

 

[U2Kitten]

Sorry to make anyone mad. She asked for suggestions and it worked for somebody I know. I thought it might help. What happened was, the father told her he wasn't going to come get her anymore if she didn't stop doing certain things, so she kept doing them so he wouldn't take her. Nobody put her up to it she did it on her own.


There are also cases where the father does not really even care to see the kid but enforces his right just to annoy the ex because he can. The power plays and head games can continue long after the love is gone.

And learning how to manipulate people may not always be such a bad thing in a world full of assholes. If you know the deal you at least know when somebody is up to doing it to you.

 

[Liesje]

I agree with Char, talk to him now even if it sucks. Even though Daisy's the one not wanting to go, she shouldn't have to deal with this problem herself or be used as a pawn for ex's to get on each other's nerves. I don't know much about your situation either, but if her father loves her and takes care of her while she's in his custody, unfortunately it's his right to see her every now and then. If he really loves her and she REALLY doesn't want to go (like there being a reason and not just her not feeling like it sometimes), then hopefully he'd realize it's best to leave her with you.

 

[indra]

I always hated visits with my dad, luckily I never had to stay more than a day at a time. Half the time he would just leave, and I would be stuck with my grandmother, who was no prize. I did actually learn the basics of making stained glass, and now I do that as a living, so it wasn't totally shot.

It wasn't exceptionally horrid going, but he was completely uninterested in anything I liked at all. I honestly think the sole purpose of my weekly visits was so he could show me off at church (which, quite frankly, sucked!).

We got into a huge fight when I was 16 and I walked out, quite willing to never see him again. He called and apologised 18 months later on the eve of my 18th birthday. We had a better, if sometimes strained relationship from then on. He died a week before I turned 30. I was with him when he died.

Not sure why I wrote that here...but perhaps Daisy will gain positive things from these visits even if she hates them. And it couldn't hurt to check into the age that she can choose not to visit with him. Hope everything works out.

 

[cell]

i didnt make her go. long story short, he came over to my grandma's house, we all sat down, and daisy told him, she didnt want to go with him. i didnt force her. he got pissed, made a comment that i was refusing him visitation, left, slammed my grandma's door.

shit.

 

[Sicy]

Damn.

 

[LoveTown]

I hope things improve for you soon Icelle. It sounds to me like you try so very hard to be a good mother and Daisy is so lucky to have you.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

Sounds like a real jerk. Sorry, girl.

 

[Angela Harlem]

Good luck to all of you

 

[U2Kitten]

He is probably going to accuse you of putting words in her mouth. Guys like that do things like that. It must have hurt his feelings to have her tell him to his face, (which took a lot of guts for a little kid) but he'll find a way to blame you, your grandma, anyone but himself. Well good luck, I hope things get better.

 

[BostonAnne]

Icelle, is your ex doing anything harmful to Daisy? How old is Daisy?

If he isn't doing anything harmful to her, she should really continue to see him. If she's old enough, you should encourage her to learn to express her wants & needs to Dad so they can work things out between them.

I'm going through the same thing, though my kids overall have a good relationship with their Dad. My 13 year old son doesn't like to hang out with Dad too long though, because he gets bored away from home. My 4 year old has expressed desires to stay home with Mommy too here and there.

 

[BostonAnne]

If he is harmful to Daisy, you should think about going back to court to revise visitation rights.

 

[BostonAnne]

I'm so sorry

And people wonder why I don't leave my husband. As if a divorce was the end. No, it's just the beginning of a whole new can of worms.

U2Kitten, don't let yourself be manipulated into staying in a bad situation if that's what you are in. While divorce isn't the end while parenting and it is the beginning of a new can of worms - you will be better and healthier without him if you are in a bad situation. The kids will benefit from a happier and healthier Mom.

 

[cell]

thanks for your support everyone. you guys are awesome.

i've been wondering this myself, whether daisy was being hurt in anyway. she has told me several time that she just doesnt want to be around her "new family" my ex is remarried, with a stepdaughter. she doesnt want to be involved in that. thats her main reason.

its been a year since my ex has been remarried, and she still has a hard time adjusting. she hasn't forgiven him for remarrying, moving on with his life.

she has a habit of singing songs that she heard from the radio "breakup songs." my mom and i figured it out....she started singing to herself gloria gaynor's "i will survive" when her father remarried, then not too long ago, kim wilde's version "you keep me hanging on" lyrics after speaking to her father each time.

its frustrating.

 

[Muggsy]

icelle i'm so sorry.... i can't imagine how difficult is that but yeah, daisy is really lucky to have you ...

 

[Mr. BAW]

My 29-year old daughter hates BAW...its well known in our close-knit circle; she's not welcome here due to verbal threats....the police have been involved in the past; she calls once every 4 to 5 weeks to "make an appointment" to come get some of her stuff from the garage, etc.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (sp.) offered a pretty good response to use; whenever Jen starts bringing up shit, I only tell her
"get over it, move on!" and it all stops.....pretty solid 'cause it works for me....I'm not so sure that a 7-year is ready to hear that though....!

Having been on the other side of this argument, I was a battered husband; yes, cop and all; she would not let me have my visitation (every other weekend and every Weds. night) because "she wanted more $$ than what the court demanded...what? $1,150 a month wasn't enough???? She wanted cash over and above what the court ordered and like an idiot who loves his children, I gave it to her...well, this set a precedent for years to come...

Finally, I built the courage to move on...and never look back!!! you've got a long road ahead for you and Daisy...make the best of it while you can...good luck, Icelle

 

[zoney!]

Good luck Icelle.

Wow, Mr. Baw.

Families can be so much fun.

 

[BostonAnne]

It sounds like she's having a hard time adjusting to all of the changes. If Dad's not harming her and she just hates the new situation, she needs to work it out with Dad. Does she get enough alone time with Dad when she visits him? What is it about her step mom & step sister that she dislikes? Do they treat her unfairly?

The best thing you can do for her Icelle is to help her learn to communicate to her Dad her issues. You are no longer in the position to be her voice, so she needs to be her own voice. If it is simply that she hates that her parents divorced, she might need counseling to move on since it's been over a year. Even if you are still upset with your ex, you need to try to keep that from Daisy. Try to support her relationship with him by encouraging her to work it out with him.

 

[u2granny]

U2Kitten, don't let yourself be manipulated into staying in a bad situation if that's what you are in. While divorce isn't the end while parenting and it is the beginning of a new can of worms - you will be better and healthier without him if you are in a bad situation. The kids will benefit from a happier and healthier Mom.

Have to agree with this having gone through it.