How to deal....

[briarrose]

Hi all

I don't write on here much but I know everyone comes from different backgrounds and different situations and can offer good advice. My brother left for California today (he's moving there permanently) and I live in PA. I'm having such a hard time with this. We're really close. I've been crying all day. He said bye this morning and it was the most painful experience. I just don't know how to deal with this. I'm so used to seeing him at least once a week. Now I may see him twice a year. It's just awful. Some people may find this strange, but I've always been very close to my siblings. Anyway, any suggestions on how to cope with this would be appreciated.

 

[bgmckinney]

Wow. I really hope someone else can respond to this without saying something stereotypical, which is what I'm probably about to do. Some people are made to be with their families and some aren't. I see my family less than once a year these days, and I'm fine with that, as long as I know they're safe. But a friend of mine who travels about as much as I do is deeply involved with her family, and if she didn't have her husband with her, I don't think she'd ever be happy moving more than a few hours from home.
The only suggestion I have is this: pick a date when you can take a trip to visit your brother. Between now and then, however far away it is, thinking about that trip and looking forward to it will be something positive to focus on. The closer it gets, the more excited you will get. The more concrete we can make the future, the less time we spend thinking about the past. And it's thinking about the past that makes us sad - always.
Best of luck to you.

 

[briarrose]

Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it. I've been trying to focus on when I'll be able to go and visit and that is helping tremendously. Thanks for the advice and for taking the time to write.

 

[ylimeU2]

My brother and I are really close. I live in VA an=d he is in Ohio. He is a little closer, but sometimes I feel like it is a world away. We try to see each other at least 4 times a year. He comes to see me twice and I go to see him twice. It gives us something to look forward to. We also have an agreement to write each other a snail mail letter once a month, and email each other at least once a week. We also call. In other words, we try to keep what we feel is so important, our communication with each other open even when we don't see each other.

My brother and I are very close in age when our parents split, we became each other's support. Moving away from the area and knowing he wouldn't be just a quick drive away anymore was one of the hardest things I have done. But the things I mentioned have made it easier. I hope you find a way that works for you, too.

 

[Angela Harlem]

I cant offer anything helpful. I hope you all find a way to manage the distance.

 

[Lila64]

I'm probably not much help either. If you can't be together geographically speaking, you can still keep in touch by phone, email, snail mail,... Perhaps you can both invest in a webcam, and that way you may be able to see each other while you chat (like in yahoo instant messenger or something). My daughter chats with her friends all the time. The other night, her 2 friends were on with her, one who lives a couple of blocks away, and the other who moved to Australia about 4 years ago. Amazing what technology can do, and how they can still be connected. When her good friend moved away, it was heartbreaking for everyone. They have come back to visit a few times, and the daughter (my daughter's friend) was here this summer for family things, and she got to spend an extra week with us (and the 3rd best friend in that group above). We got her to the airport and she flew back home all alone!

So, it may be hard on you right now, but things will work out. Just wish your brother the best and hope it works out for him. It's quite costly in Calif., so that may be a shock to him, depending upon where he's coming from.

 

[briarrose]

Thank you all for your replies and advice. It has helped a lot. Today I'm finally doing better. My brother is driving across the country so I've been really worried about his safety. I finally felt stable enough to call him today and he's doing fine. Just talking to him and know that he's alright helped a lot. I might go visit him in January. My husband mentioned us moving out to CA. I'll be done school in 2 years so we'll think about it then and my brother said he would know within 2 years whether or not he was going to stay there. I looked at jobs (I'm studying to be a chemist) and thought that the pay would be higher since the cost of living is, but it's the same, if not less than PA. Houses are ridiculously expensive. Thank you all again for your input.

 

[redhotswami]

you two sound very close, and your love for one another will transcend any distance. I know that is cheesy and probably doesn't help, but I think it is true. It is not going to be the same, not seeing him as often, but that doesn't at all change your love.

Just think, now when you visit him you will be going someplace new and exciting!

 

[briarrose]

Thank you all again for your replies. I'm still having a really hard time dealing with this. I cried harder today than I ever have. It almost seems like grief. I can't seem to accept that he's moved away. He'll get to California today so hopefully we can start talking online soon. That should help some. I was able to call him once, but I can't now because I'll just end up crying and I don't want him to feel guilty for leaving. I've never been this sad my entire life.

 

[Bonochick]

Well, I know this isn't a sibling example...but I am super close to my dad. I moved only about a hundred miles away from him last year, and even though that distance is minimal, there are times I still miss him terribly. Heck, sometimes I still cry when I leave his house after visiting. I sometimes worry because if the place he works would close down or something, chances are that he would be shuffled out of state...and with our craptastic economy, he'd be silly to not do that. The thought of him being so far away makes me absolutely sick. I don't obsess over it, but it is one of those thoughts in the back of my head.

One advantage you have is technology today...so many phone plans with unlimited long distance...internet...web cams. My dad and I are on the same cell phone plan, so we have unlimited mobile-to-mobile. I usually call him at least once a day...sometimes, more like 8. Use the means available to stay in touch. However, never forget the effect of a good old fashioned greeting card out of the blue. I occasionally send them to family and friends, and they are always so thrilled. Bonus points if you enclose pictures.

 

[mandy1973]

My brother (my only sibling) moved from adelaide to darwin earlier this year on a three year contract, taking with him his (then 7 months pregnant!!) wife. So all of a sudden my only brother, my sister-in-law and (now) nephew were all the other side of australia! So I completely now how you are feeling. The night we had their farewell dinner I just completely lost it, giving my little brother a goodbye hug almost broke my heart!

It definately does help to plan a trip to see him, I planned a trip almost as soon as we knew they were moving, and it definately gave me something to focus on and look forward to! I cried like a baby AGAIN though coming home on the plane!!

It does get easier though, my brother came down here a couple of weeks ago for the Adelaide U2 show (I bought him a ticket last xmas, when the show was meant to be March) and this time I managed to not get all emotional when I had to say goodbye.

I think you're right, that it is a type of grief, and as such you need to work through it. It takes time, but it does get easier, and it makes the time you do get to spend together so much more precious!

And to agree with one of the other posters - definately invest in a webcam, its great being able to see the person you're chatting to - in my case its been extra terrific as it gives me the opportunity to see my little nephew growing up too.

I hope that gives you some kind of comfort, feel free to pm me if you like and we could chat.

Mandy

 

[briarrose]

Thank you Mandy and Bonochick. It's nice to know that others have gone through this as well. I'm planning on visiting my brother at the end of this month or the beginning of January. I'm so excited about it! I think I failed one of my tests last week because I was so upset that I couldn't concentrate on anything. My brother wants to be a film director. He already found a job helping with a film so I have a feeling he's going to be out there permanently. It's been 8 days since he left and I'm finally doing better. I'm still sad but I didn't cry yesterday and hopefully I won't today. Thanks for your encourgement. It has been very helpful.

 

[U2Girl416]

I'm a little late in replying here, but I know the suckiness of distance. I moved out to Chicago in 2003. However, my three sisters are in IN (this isn't so bad--3 hours), VA and NC, and my mom and stepfather are still in Syracuse, NY. It's definitely hard being out here and not knowing when you will see someone. E-mail is my savior though. I'm usually in contact with at least my mom or one of my sisters once a week. It might be for something dumb or inconsequential, but it's nice to have some sort of connection. I haven't been really sad about it until recently. My sister Maria just had another baby in August and I think of all the growing up that I'll miss. luckily I was able to see her and the baby in September and over Thanksgiving. the other part of it is knowing that it's just not possible to be together all the time. But I feel your pain. I nearly bawled as our car pulled away from my parents house after Thanksgiving this year, to come back to Chicago. Don't know why, but we were all together and well, it was just hard. I know you don't know me and vice versa, but I can relate and am willing to lend an ear anytime. In the meantime, I hope you'll continue to be less sad and are able to maintain some sort of contact with him often, and look forward to a visit with him.



~Diana

 

[Devlin]

Thank you all again for your replies. I'm still having a really hard time dealing with this. I cried harder today than I ever have. It almost seems like grief. I can't seem to accept that he's moved away. He'll get to California today so hopefully we can start talking online soon. That should help some. I was able to call him once, but I can't now because I'll just end up crying and I don't want him to feel guilty for leaving. I've never been this sad my entire life.

Well, in a sense you are grieving - you're losing the physical closeness you used to have. Don't try and shove that aside. Feel free to feel that to the fullest.

 

[briarrose]

Thank you all again for your replies. It's nice to know that other people can relate. My brother finally got online in CA. It's really nice because I've been home for the past 2 days studying for finals and he's been at his apartment so we just IM each other every once in awhile.

I just found out he won't be coming home for Christmas and that I won't be able to visit in January (his girlfriend is visiting). Hopefully I'll be able to go out in May. I've been kind of sad lately knowing that I won't be able to see for months.

 

[redhotswami]

You can have my brother if you want

But really, you are holding up quite well for such a life-changing experience. I'm glad you get to IM each other now! Do you get a spring break? Perhaps you can visit him then??

Hang in there!

 

[briarrose]

Thanks redhotswami!

The first week was awful. I didn't do very well on 2 tests because I couldn't concentrate on my school work. I'm taking classes at 2 different colleges next semester so my spring breaks are on different weeks, which means I can't go then. Thanks for listening.