Fight or give up?

[Kiki]

so....ok we've all got our problems in relationships, but this is one I'm not sure where to go from here or how much longer to go on. I'm not really looking for anyone to tell me to give up or go on, that's not fair to ask and it's not fair to give that advice really, but I need to get this off my chest and like I said in the "big hug thread" I could really just use a hug right now.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years this summer. For over 2 years I kept this a secret from pretty much everyone. But alas, as all things come tumbling down, this did too. Everything came crashing down, his depression, addictions, the start of new addictions.....

We've finally gotten up on our feet again, or so it seems. The anti-depressants are working great, the new job is wonderful, he's even decided upon a new major in school (seeing as how he can't do aviation due to the medications). Anyway, everyone in our family and the counselors were soooooooo sure that this one addiction....the one I'd been dealing with the longest and that has hurt the most, would go away and that it was stemming from his depression.
It's not the case.

It started out as an addiction to porn sites, then I started finding other sites that lead me to believe he really was seeking out someone in the physical sense. From the end of November through a month and a half ago I'd finally been able to relax. We got rid of the net at home, he'd use the laptop at the library.
Then the memory or history started getting errassed again on the lap top, things started happening again that just sent up red flags everywhere.
Sure enough I found something. I knew at that point when I confronted him, I'd be fine. If I chose to leave, I'd be fine. I know where I'm going and what I want to do with my life and I can't be the one to save him all the time.

As a suggestion from his counselor, I'd started going to a family support group for families of addicts and alcoholics. I've kept it up, been trying to "work my program". But last night it happened and it was bad.
I found this time a website for a "Secret Romantic Randouze for people in relationships".
I kept calm, I confronted him. He gave me the same bs as always, he didn't have answers, no he doesnt want a divorce, yes he loves me, no he doesnt think of me or our marriage when he's searching these out.

I finally snapped and said I wish he'd show SOME kind of emotion when I'm standing there telling him I don't want to go through this again, I want out of our marriage. He turned around, smashed our lap top (that's still not paid off) in to a million pieces.

He's never been violent, and he wasn't violent toward me, just the lap top. He looked at me when he was done and asked, "There, how's that for emotion? It's done, now I can't access any of them anymore."

Thank God my meeting was last night. I reverted back to where I was in October last year when I started going, I couldnt look any one in the eye, didn't know what to say, couldnt stop my legs from shaking. Finally I talked and this time.....was the first time ever I started crying in the middle of a meeting.

My dad's out of town, my mom....I'm not a mom, but somehow I understand this.....I'm an only child and even if one's not an only child, I know when someone hurts your kid like this you can't help but hate them---I mean a little piece of you inside, no matter how deep down inside, still hates the person who's hurt your kid this much. But that's just the thing....I hate what he does and this whole world.....but I can't hate him because I'm still mad in love with him.

For some reason I've always been able to tell when he's lying and I've confronted him and asked if he's met someone or talked to someone or been with someone. I got myself tested last Fall, and believe him that to this day he's not gone through with anything.
I've talked to his counselor and we're meeting tomorrow and she's getting the numbers for the support groups she wanted him to go to. He knows he has a decision to make--either get help and go to the support groups and learn to fight this.....or lose me and everything we've worked for and planned for our future.

I deserve better, I deserve as a human being to be treated better and I deserve to feel safe in my marriage. Any man or woman that's gone through this with their husband/wife/partner deserves to be treated and made to feel like they're worthy of a good and happy relationship.

I know it's an addiction, and no I still don't understand addictions.....but part of me is trying to brace myself for him saying he doesnt want to fight this and he wants out......damn............I just need a hug

 

[corianderstem]

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

 

[Sicy]

Wow this is pretty deep and must be hard to talk about. Hopefully there are people here who may have gone through something similar that can offer you some advice. My first thought after reading this would be to leave him but of course I am not in your shoes and when love is involved it is never simple. I just hope that the violent behavior he showed with the laptop does not one day turn on you. I hope that you two can get the help you need to get through this

 

[Kiki]

thank you....thank you both.

If it ever would turn to violence towards me, he knows there's no question then. I'd be out the door so fast he'd not even know what happened.
And....I just feel horrible when it comes to that this would be anyones first impression of him. This is just such a huge thing yet so small when it comes to him as a person, but it's huge for a marriage. I hope that makes sense. I just hate thinking this is how I paint a picture to someone of him.

I just want him with out this. I want my relationship the way it was and the way it's been with him, this sweet, funny, caring, smart guy who drives me nuts when he burps and farts and loves stupid humor.

I think I'm just in this really really freakin frustrated mood right now and I don't like being like this. I like being happy, I like smiling and laughing and not worrying and wondering.

Anyway, thank you.
And if anyone else has been through anything like this or knows how this feels and wants to even personal message me.......please do. And I'm sorry if anyone else on here has gone through something like this. It sucks big time.

 

[The Disciple]

I'm sorry 2 hear about this, rest assured, as some1 who has been through a troubled marriage, I will keep U in my prayers.

 

[RedRocksU2]

 

[tiny dancer]

 

[ABEL]

i hope things work out. you know where to find me if you ever just need a hug or to talk.

 

[Carek1230]

Wow that's a lot to handle and I hope and pray you work it all out. I am glad tho it wasn't you that got beat, and that it was the laptop, paid for or not. Tha's a material object. It can be replaced, but not you if you had been physically and mentally hurt. Be strong and you'll work through this!

 

[Angela Harlem]

Do you love him?

 

[BonoIsMyMuse]

I deserve better, I deserve as a human being to be treated better and I deserve to feel safe in my marriage.

This is what it comes down to. You need to tell him this (not when you're fighting, but in a situation where you can both be calm but honest). Obviously you can't fix everything overnight, but you both have to be committed to trying to improve things. It can't just be you, and it can't just be sometimes. I think that in addition to individual counseling, it would be good to consider marriage counseling. You'll both have to stay strong to make the marriage work, and it will help to know you have someone supporting you.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope things start to get better soon

 

[gman]

Can I ask, has he been given any form of diagnosis to his issues? Has something happened like a death etc to have triggered this behaviour?
Having read yer story, It sounds a lot like what has gone on in my past. I have difficulties with relationships among other everyday situations. And i regularly beat my household goods up thro frustration. Am on meds etc, but they dont really help. You sed he is on anti depressants, but from my experiences, its easier for these so called doctors to side step deeper problems and blame it on Depression. At the age of 37, I have kinda decided that it is not fair on the person on the recieving end of my problems (which i genuinely cant see until its too late), so I have not gotten involved wi another gal in the last 4 yrs and as much as i hate being on my own, I think its for the best.
I can fully symapthise with ya, as it must be hell been on the other end of it, but also, its no picnic for the sufferer either. I lost everything, My Fiancee, my kids and my home, but i do not blame my ex for it. She did try to get the help, which you are doing too. I really hope things settle for the better for ya both, as I say. your probs have struck a chord with me. And in answer to yer question.......FIGHT, till u cant fight no more. at the end of the day, he needs to want to try and help himself too, you cant do that for him.

 

[Kiki]

thank you all for your responses, I really do appreciate them to no end.
First, yes I do love him.
Second, I did tell him that I am a human being and that I know I deserve better than this, and I did this when we were not arguing. Actually I told him this while we were in the counselor's together. The counselor asked me where I am at this point and I admited to him that in the past my "threats" were pretty empty because I knew I wasn't strong enough to walk away from him or our marriage. But that's changed now. I've been able to take the next step and call the court house to find out what my next step would be in filing for seperation so a divorce would take place. I admited that I am not ready to take that next step as I am terrified of giving up to soon, but it gets easier each and every time I find something. I tried explaining that if he'd only tell me the truth, if he'd talk to me about this, and anything from the past, I'd not get up and leave. Part of me still wonders if he is in fact telling the truth when he says he's really not been with anyone else.
Last Fall I was in the same situation, not knowing if he was being honest or if he was lying to save himself and us from more pain. Therefore I took the actions of going to get tested....I needed it for my own piece of mind. I didn't hide it from him, he knew what I was doing and why.

As for the depression, no I've never thought that this addiction came from the depression. It's very true he does suffer from depression. I've known about that even before he and I started dating. I knew about his previous suicide attempt. I knew about the drinking and the experimenting with drugs when he was younger.
Something else I admitted to him this weekend was the reason I asked our parents for help when I did. For 2 years I'd kept the pornography and the seeking others out, a secret. I'd never opened up about it. I never had any intention of opening up to our parents about it. But the things I walked in to last October slapped me in the face and I knew I was in way over my head. Not only had this addiction gone further and escelated to a point where he was actually seeking out a "friend", but the drugs and the actions that lead me to believe he'd try to kill himself, were taking place.

He was asked by the counselor if this had become a problem, if he views it this way. He said yes but he doesnt know where to go from here, but he's willing to do what ever he has to.

I shook my head at that point. I've heard it several times over, before. I told him he has to make this on his own, he has to want this, I've tried fighting for him to save him...and I know that now.
I will fight like hell for our marriage....it's a great relationship we have when this is not taking place. He's a wonderful person.....I just hate this addiction.

His counselor made suggestions of what she would like to see him do to make the changes.....and he's agreed he wants to do them. So tonight is his first meeting.

Please pray for us. Please pray for me to regain trust. I'm having a hard time trusting this is going to happen this time. It's never happend in the past.....but it's true, he's taking a different and stronger approach this time.

Again...thank you all of you for everything.
Sicy I can't thank you enough for our talks. And Gman for opening up the way you did. That means alot to me.

--Kristen


oh yeah....and as for the lap top smashing thing. He'd never raise a hand at me, I know that. He's never NEVER been violent before this. I'm not making excuses for him, but merely speaking the truth of what happened and why I said what I said. When this happened last week, he looked so increadibly sad for a split second. Something I'd never seen oh him before, washed over his face and he looked like he could crumble. That's when I spoke up and said, "I just wish for once you'd give me some kind of emotion, show some kind of emotion without walking away or saying 'I don't know'." That's when he turned around and smashed up the laptop, then asked me, "How's that for emotion?" I simply looked him in his eyes and said, "Ive wanted to do that for a very very long time."

 

[Sicy]

Hang in there.. I hope some progress will be made soon

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

kristen! i'm so sorry to hear about all this! i'll kill brian if you want me to if you ever want to talk, you know where to reach me.

that's good that he sees he's got a problem and says he's willing to do something about it. i really hope he sticks to his word and seeks help or whatever is best for him.

 

[Kiki]

kristen! i'm so sorry to hear about all this! i'll kill brian if you want me to

lol thanks, but I doubt that will be necessary. Billy's offered that same option though several times over!

We're just trying to take this one day at a time...sounds a bit cliche' maybe, but I think that's all we can really do right now.