Diaries. Part 7.

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Rock n' Roll Doggie Band-aid
Nov 19, 2003
Counting the hairs on Bono's chest.
© All works by YDW.

Last bit from last bit…

>>>He was speaking. “I thought we might sit over there, on that low wall away from prying eyes and big ears”. And he pointed to a stone wall that had been there for so long, nobody actually remembered who’d built it. My eyes followed his finger. I felt ridiculous. He spoke again. “We could sit on the other side of it so no one would know or hear what we were talking about”.

“I still don’t know, I…”

He cocked his head to one side. “I wouldn’t be taking you into any woods or anywhere else that you’d not want to go to, Susan. That’s not that what I have in mind”.

He was looking down at me, kindness, understanding in his blue eyes and I knew such stupidity. The child in me had shown her face to him and I didn’t like it. In truth I hated her; wished her dead.<<<


“I’m sorry”. I mumbled looking away from him. Tears filled my eyes. So many emotions all vying for my attention; my head, a bag full of crap and all of it important. Want, fear, excitement, apprehension, aching desire, terror, self loathing; they all wanted my attention; all wanted to bubble to the surface.

“C’mon”. He said airily. “Let’s go sit”.

When we reached the wall I knew I’d probably stumble or fall and look ridiculous in front of him but I shouldn’t have worried because as we got there he simply jumped with ease over the other side and then leaned over to help me. His big hands took both of mine and I held onto them as he helped me climb over it. Once there, we sat down together, our backs to the village; the field beyond the wall spreading out passed a clump of trees in the distance. We sat in silence. I wanted to run away. I wanted to stay. But most of all I wanted him to kiss me.

Beside me, Rowan chuckled and as he did so he moved and I realised that he was reaching out to gently rest his arm on my shoulder. It was the most exciting thing. Oh, I know you’ll think me silly in making so much out of such a small thing but it was the first time I’d been this intimate with anyone. Hugs in my household were few, if any, and certainly none from The Shit Head, not that I’d want any from him. And with his head bowed towards me, Rowan’s words became breathily soft; “You’re looking quite serious there, Mistress Susan”

I shrugged, pretended not to be affected by his nearness. “Am I?”

“That you are”.

“I’m fine”.

He gave me a little squeeze and turned his face towards the field. Without looking at me he spoke. “And you’re doing ok”.


“You,” And he turned back to face me; his eyes coming to rest on my face.

“You’re right to be a little cautious”. His eyes dropped to my mouth and I stared back at his gorgeous face; took in the sensual curve of his lips, the deep blue of his eyes and the length of his eyelashes; the earring in his ear, his hair, some of it trying to escape that ponytail.

A soft smile tilted his mouth slightly as he watched me; as he read me. My stomach did a little flip. Time stood still. I knew he was studying my reaction to his nearness and ordinarily I’d have turned away because I hate to be examined but I couldn’t give up the chance to stare at him.

And as we examined each other he opened his mouth to speak. My eyes immediately rose to his and those blue orbs, so blue they made me think of summer, took on a hint of seriousness. He hauled in a breath whilst still staring at my mouth. “A little caution never did anyone any harm”.

And I wanted to speak, to say something, anything, but nothing would come. My throat was dry; my brain empty of speech so I ran my tongue over my lower lip as I fought to say something. He stared at the action and I noticed his eyes change for a split second just before they returned to mine. I was certain he was thinking about kissing me.

And me, well, by then I was a whole bag of queer. As I stared back at him I was afraid. I was excited. I was happy. I was sad. I wanted. I didn’t want. And I certainly didn’t know how to react to him. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. And anyway, why was he being so kind, so attentive? Questions; doubts filled my over active mind. Was he pretending to be genuine when all the time he testing to see how far he could go? Was I Village Bait; someone to be played; someone to be had before moving on? I hauled in a deep breath and let it out again uttering the only words I was used to using. “I’m sorry”. I whispered.

He smiled; hugged me to him a little firmer. “What for?”

I ignored his question, the scent of his nearness plunging me into yet more conflicting emotions. Geez, I was so desperate for his kiss and yet so nervous. And why was he was staring so intently at me? Eventually, realising he was waiting for an answer I gave him a statement instead. “I shouldn’t be here”.

He inhaled slowly, deeply, before querying me and I listened to it; to that sucked in breath. Even that was sexy. He let it out again, his words still achingly soft. “Why not?”

“Well, I…”

“Och, Little Susan”. And he was looking right into my eyes and moved in that little bit closer so that our heads were practically touching. And in that soft whispered brogue his words fanned my face, caused my insides to do a little flip. “Will you not give me a little time?”


Summertime; those eyes make me think of summertime. They make me think of blue skies and singing birds, of warm breezes and joy and the freedom to experience it all. And I wanted both you know; him and the summertime; a perfect man and a perfect summer to enjoy him in. Oh and I knew I’m being silly. I knew he wasn’t for me. I knew he couldn’t possibly see me as anything other than a silly schoolgirl but the hope, oh the hope in me, that he might see something special, that he might even be attracted to me.

But deep down I knew, I knew he wouldn’t see anything in me and, I also knew that I shouldn’t be sitting there alone with him. I heard The Shit Heads words inside my head; only whores go to quiet places to be with mens. And, at the thought of him I pulled in a tattered breath. I knew I’d be in for an almighty beating if he ever found out I’d been with Rowan but then Rowan’s softly curving smile, his blue, twinkling eyes, well, I couldn’t drag myself away could I, so I’d stay; whatever the consequences I’d ignore everything; the threat of a beating, the turmoil going on in my stomach; my confusion, my fear, my desire, my excitement. I’d ignore it all because I wanted to stay. I wanted to be with Rowan. And I wanted to pull in the scent of him. I wanted to feel his breath on my face, feel his nearness and hear that soft breathy burr in his voice. And I also wanted to feel his kiss. And nothing was gonna stop me from experiencing that. Nope, The Shit Head could go shit; twice.


“Susan?” His voice broke into my thoughts and I came back to him. He was so gorgeous. I couldn’t quite believe that this vision, this image of perfection was sitting right next to me. His words again were soft. “Would there be anyone in there?”


He chuckled. “You were on another planet. What were you thinking about?”

Your mouth and that you need to kiss me. Instead; “…I was thinking that I need to go home”.

He sighed softly, his smile my undoing. “Now why would you want to be doing that? We only just got here”. And as an after thought, “And you did say The Shit Head’s away”. This brought a smile to my face. Yes, he was right; The Shit Head was away. I could do as I pleased. Fuck him. When he saw me nod he smiled broadly. My eyes were drawn to it. “Sometimes,” He said softly, gazing at my mouth, “Sometimes it feels good to be a rebel”. And the smile lengthened even more. And he was right. It did feel good to be doing something I’d decided to do and not something The Shit Head had decided for me. It also felt good knowing I was doing something he’d absolutely hate. Something in me quite liked that. I knew I’d probably be in for it later but I didn’t care, not with Rowan sitting next to me and giving me that amazing grin.

I pulled in a deep breath. “Are you a rebel, Rowan?” My words slipped unfettered from my lips and his name felt so good in my mouth.

In response to my question he chuckled low in his throat. It was such a girly sound that it was quite funny to hear it coming from a man who was so very masculine. He stared right at my mouth as he replied. “Am I a rebel there, Mistress Susan? Well now, yes, I think some might consider me to be a rebel”.

I pulled my eyes from him, returned my gaze to the field, saw it stretching out before me, much like the life my father intended for me; long, flat, solitary. I sighed. “I wish I was rebellious”.

“Then be rebellious”.

“It’s not as easy as that”.

“Well, you’ve made a good start here, Little Susan. You’re sitting on this wall speaking to me knowing that The Shit Head would disapprove”.
“It’s only because he probably won’t get to know”. I hope. “…Only because I’m hoping to get away with it. If I knew he’d find out I probably wouldn’t be here”.

He dipped his head slightly, gave me the whites of his eyes as he considered me. “You sure about that Missy?” And as I contemplated him I got to wondering if he was making me see myself properly for the first time. Did he see someone different to whom my father saw when he looked at me? I decided right there that maybe Rowan was right. Maybe I was sitting on the wall with this traveller knowing that there was every chance I’d get found out and yet I was still here.

“I don’t know. Maybe…”


“Maybe I’d still come and sit with you even if I knew I’d get found out. I don’t know”.

“I think you do”.

“He’d kill me if he knew”.


I turned my gaze full on him. “And I’d still take the chance”.

He was still staring at my mouth and I found myself staring at his. I saw it rise on one side. “So there we have it”. He said. And when I raised my gaze to his eyes I saw that he was already staring deeply into mine. He hauled in a deep, slow breath. “A rebel then”.

“I wish I was”. I looked away, returned to my field gazing.

“And you will be”. He followed my gaze, taking in the open, flat vastness broken only by a small copse a long way off in the distance. His arm was still heavy on my shoulders and the weight of it filled me with excitement.

I sighed. “You have to be brave to be a rebel”.

He returned his gaze to me and when he spoke his voice was intimately soft and made my insides squelch. “Not always”. He said. “Sometimes, well, you know sometimes being a rebel can be the easiest thing”.

I questioned his reasoning. His mouth looked so tempting. I wanted to feel it’s softness but spoke instead. “How can you say that?” I moaned. “It’s easy for you. You haven’t got an overbearing, control freak breathing down your neck all the time”.

His smile lengthened and his eyes took on a mischievous glint. “I don’t see any overbearing control freak breathing down on you right now”.

I looked down at my knees, glad they were covered up and he couldn’t see how knobbly I believed them to be. “You know what I mean”.

“Well, yes. I suppose that I do”. And we fell into silence. I returned to my field gazing. He followed, took in the landscape too. Eventually he spoke again. I felt his eyes on me so I turned to face him; staring at his mouth and aching. “So, I’m wondering,” He began in a barely whispered voice. “How rebellious you’d like to be right now?” Even though I knew that I could take what he said in two ways, I knew exactly what he was saying by the way he said it. And the way he was looking at me, through such intense eyes confirmed it. It wasn’t a simple question. It was a loaded innuendo. And oh but I so wanted his kiss. And he was so very close. If he leaned in to kiss me now that’d be it, I’d be lost. When I didn’t answer him he moved his head slightly bringing us so close our faces almost touched. “Of course Mistress Susan,” He whispered into my mouth. “I suppose,” And his lips brushed mine. “I suppose I could guide you…”


And his lips felt so soft and warm; a sensation I’d never before experienced. A gentle brush of mine, a soft touching and all the time he’s staring into my eyes; a readiness in them, an invitation. And my heart beat so loud and fast I was sure that he’d be able to hear it. Rowan’s whispered seductive burr slid between my lips. “And would I kiss you now?”

In response I closed my eyes; felt his mouth settle on mine. I didn’t need to see it because my brain was entirely focused on his fine lips and the sensations he began to give life to. In my mind’s eye all I could see was our mouths joining and the pressure borne of his lips. And I melted against him; sank into his kiss but no sooner had I let go, no sooner had I released my spirit then the fear took me: them menz’re only after one thing an’ they’ll tek wot’s offered; they’ll tek wot’s offered; they’ll tek wot’s offered. The Shit Head’s words went and popped up inside my mind. My desire shrivelled. I pulled away abruptly, shaking my head; a thousand uncertainties crowding in all at the same time. Yes I wanted to kiss him but what if he wanted more? What if I did? What if we didn’t stop? What if he didn’t stop? What would happen to me if we made out here, behind this wall and I ended up pregnant? After all, he could up and leave any time whilst I, well, I’d be stuck with the consequences. The thought of The Shit Head when he found out…

My fears were too great. “I’m sorry”. I said shaking my head in denial. “I can’t. I…” For a second he looked disappointed but then he nodded and smiled. I mumbled my next words. “I… have to go”.

“It’s ok. No harm done”.

“It isn’t ok. I…”

“It’s alright Susan”.

I shook my head disagreeing with him. Of course it wasn’t alright. I hated myself so completely and couldn’t believe what I’d just gone and done. I needed to crawl away and die and to emphasise my disgust, I raised my hand to my forehead to cradle it. And that was when I realised. I was shaking. My trembling fingers took an age to reach my skin and when they did they didn’t touch it so much as feather it. I did my best to hide it but too late. I knew Rowan had seen too because he pulled in a breath and spoke. “Och, no Susan; I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that”.

And I felt sick to my stomach; my eyes filling with tears. I’d messed up; ruined everything. The Shit Head had ruined it all. He may be away but he still managed to come between me and Rowan and a kiss I now wouldn’t get. When I looked shamefully back at Rowan I saw his eyes had narrowed. He’d seen my distress; noted my tears. “Och Susan”. And his big fingers were on my face, brushing away a tear that had just fallen onto my cheek. “I don’t know what I was thinking of. I shouldn’t have done that. It wasn’t fair”.

Embarrassment ate away at my insides. Clearly here was a man used to being with older girls; girls who would respond to his seductive voice and charm, girls who would welcome his advances with advances of their own; girls who wouldn’t take flight at the first positive sign of courtship. Self loathing and embarrassment and the need to escape filled my head. I had to get away.

And still The Shit Head’s words went round and round in my head; Them menz’re only after one thing. They’ll tek wot’s offered. I apologised again, putting father’s image from my mind. I didn’t want to hear father’s words and I certainly didn’t want to see the way Rowan was looking at me right now. I pushed myself off the wall scratching the backs of my legs but ignoring it. “I need to get home”.


We walked in silence; passed some of the houses that were built before the Great War, passed the twitching net curtains, down the road, passed the village shop and on up the hill towards my house and the mouth of the lane that led to the field where they were parked. After a lengthy silence he began to talk. We were only half way up the hill as he began. His eyes were on the pavement as he walked beside me, hands stuffed into his pockets. “Are you not speaking to me now?”

If he was smiling I never noticed because I didn’t look at him nor did I answer him. I was mortified over the abrupt ending to our kiss and my stupid childish behaviour; showing myself up like that and being such a stupid cow. I heard him sigh when he realised I wasn’t going to answer him. “Ok”, He said and looked up from the pavement to take me in. From the corner of my eye I saw him squint as he looked at me. “You ok?” I didn’t answer him. He started again. “Ok, look,” And he stopped walking. I carried on. He caught up. I heard the resignation in his soft voice. “Would you not forgive a man for making a pig’s ear of himself?”

“It…It wasn’t your fault”. It was mine. I’m so stupid. “I need to get home”.

“Susan; I mean it. I’m sorry”.

“It doesn’t matter. It wasn’t your fault”.

“It was and it does”. And as he caught hold of my arm to bring me to a standstill, I gasped.

“No!” And the word was out before I could stop it. I’d already shrunk away from him; frightened, so used to what normally follows when a man grabs my arm.

Beside me I saw shock register in Rowan’s face. “Susan?” His voice was incredulous whispered; his eyes questioning my action and drawn to my hand rubbing at the place where he’d touched me. “What? Why are you acting like I just burned you?”

I hadn’t intended to react like that but it was too late. I tried to wriggle out of it. “I’m not. I…”

His dark brows knitted together and his eyes rose from my arm to my face. His words were still whispered and filled with disbelief. “Are you afraid of me there, Little Susan?”

“Of course not”. I lied but of course I was. Here was a man, full grown and strong. A man I didn’t know. A man I was alone with. I’d been stupid coming all this way with him; to be alone with him. “I just need to get home. My mother…”

“Susan?” And he made to touch me again, to put his hands on me but I took a step back.

“I’m late”. I said, scrabbling for any excuse to leave. “She’ll be wondering…”

And his face; that gorgeous, handsome face, looked at me as though he couldn’t believe how I’d reacted to him. “You are scared of me aren’t you? Well, I… you know, I’m really sorry that I frightened you”.

“You didn’t”. More lies. “I just need to get home. I didn’t realise what the time…”

“Shit.” And he wasn’t listening to me. Instead he was shaking his head, looking at a spot on the ground beside my feet and rubbing at his jaw. “I’d never….” And his face clouded yet further when he looked back up and saw my glittering eyes. He raised a meaty paw to brush away my tears and I moved my head out of his reach. He scowled, drew his eyebrows down low in his forehead; spat out one incredulous word: “Fuck”.

“I’m sorry”. I said, simply because I was used to saying it. “I need to go”. My voice was ragged as I tried to keep it all in check.

“Ok,” He held up a hand, not to touch me but to silence me and gather his thoughts. At length he let out a sigh and finally met my eyes. “Ok Susan. Firstly, I’m not gonna stop you from leaving. You can go any time you want. And secondly, I didn’t expect… Geez, Susan…”

“I… I’m sorry”. And I moved away from him; left him standing there on the pavement. I had to get away. So many negative thoughts crowding my aching head; what if he hadn’t intended to force me or, what if he’d only intended to kiss me and I’d gone and ruined it all? But The Shit Heads words kept on and on; Them menz’re only after one thing. They’ll tek wot’s offered. It was no good. I had to get away. I moved off at an increased pace. Fear and shame had my stomach squeezed into a tiny ball; a physical pain deep inside me; a pain that would last for days, probably for weeks, maybe even forever. I’d shown myself up; shown him who I was; someone who imagined all sorts, someone who let her imagination run riot. He’d go away tomorrow glad to be leaving; glad to be getting away from the silly infatuated schoolgirl who wanted a man she was too inexperienced and too afraid to handle.

And then his voice behind me. “Look; Susan, wait up”. I closed my eyes, willing him to leave me alone but he didn’t. He caught up within seconds, fell into step beside me. “I suppose that I didn’t think…”

“It doesn’t matter”.

“It does! Susan!” And he made to touch me again and again I shrank out of his reach. He shook his head and sighed. “Susan. Please”.

“No”. And the word came out of my mouth with much more force than I’d intended and then guilt gnawed at my insides. He wasn’t as bad as The Shit Head would have me believe. I was certain of it and yet too cowardly to find out.

He sighed, his voice whisper soft and oh so gentle. “What’s wrong baby girl?”

“Nothing”. I lied, moving off again. “I just have to get home”.

He continued walking beside me, watching me as we walked. “Why are you being like this? It was only a kiss, well not even that”.

“I know but…”

I heard him sigh. “I’m truly sorry if I frightened you Mistress Susan. I never meant to”.

And I had to know; had to find out for myself what he was up to; if there was a plan to his being with me because I didn’t believe for a moment that he was genuinely attracted to me. “Why you’re here, Rowan?”

“Well, because I wanted to be seeing you before we left. I told you that already”.

“Is that all?”

“Of course it is. What; you don’t believe me?”

“You tried to kiss me. Why?”

Beside me he chuckled. “Well, what kind of question is that to ask a man? Isn’t it obvious?”

“Not to me”.

“Well, it’s because I wanted to. I wouldn’t be going round kissing people I didn’t want to kiss would I else I’d be kissing everyone”.

And still I didn’t believe him. Oh I wanted to. I so wanted to but how could I? I was just a young, inexperienced girl. I looked like an inexperienced girl and now, back there, I’d acted like one.

“Well?” He asked. “You don’t believe me do you?”

I cast my gaze to the ground. “I want to”.

“Well, Mistress Susan it’s the truth and that’s a fact”.

“I don’t understand”.

“What don’t you understand?”

I stopped walking. So did he. I had another question for him; “Why; why are you bothering with someone like me? You… you’re much older than I am. What are you doing here with me? I’m sure you’d be much better off in town; in the pubs”.

“Aye, and it’s true that I do like to be in the pub but it’s not public houses that I want to be at today. It’s with you. I wanted to spend a little time with you and…”

“And what?”

And for the first time since I met him he appeared to hesitate before he spoke so I looked right at him. He continued well aware of my eyes on him. “Well, I suppose I wanted to make sure that you’re alright”.

“Alright? Of course I’m alright”. I was confused.

His face took on a serious expression and I didn’t know why. He considered me intently before speaking and I didn’t much like it. “You know Little Susan I’d feel a lot better if I thought you’d be ok once I’ve gone”.

And now I was totally confused. Why wouldn’t I be ok? I stared up at him, took in his lovely face, the hair that was all but practically out of his pony tail. The way wisps of it fell around his face, the earring, his square jaw, the thick column of his neck. I took it all in until I heard him let out a deep sigh as he thrust his hands into the back pockets of his jeans. I raised my gaze back to his face. Rolling his eyes he spoke. “Och and I don’t want to go like this”.

“Like what?”

He sighed again and looked over my head as though gathering his thoughts; as though considering them. When he returned his gaze to me, his blue eyes were intense; serious. I didn’t like it. He hauled in a deep breath. I became uneasy. “Susan”.


“Are you happy here?”

No. “What?”

“Happy; are you happy?”

No. “Yes”. It was a lie and we both knew it.

Another sigh. “Y’know if I could…”

“What; if you could what?”

He sighed yet again. “I don’t know why but I’d rather not be leaving you here”. Then don’t. “I feel…”


“I feel that, well, maybe once we’ve gone, well, I can’t be keeping an eye on you can I?” Then don’t leave me. “If there was another way…” There is; take me with you.

He was frowning at my silence by then. “Will you be ok?”

No. “Yes”.

“I am worried about you, Susan”.

Don’t be. “Why?” And I saw that he was genuine. I also saw that his gaze was now glued to my mouth and the bruise still yellowing there and my hand whipped up to my face to cover up. I looked away ashamed, whispering my reply. “It’s nothing. I told you; I’ll be fine”. Both of us knew I wouldn’t be and he voiced his knowledge with another question.

“Will you?” He said. “Will you really?”

I was growing impatient because I held a deep shame at someone knowing that my father hit me. I snorted; stared at nothing in particular and spoke in an abrupt manner. “I said so didn’t I?” And I wanted him to drop it. I didn’t want to talk about it but he clearly did.

“Look, Susan…honey…” He called me honey. I groaned inwardly, a part of me wishing he’d just go and not leave me with yet more things to remember him by.

“Leave it”.

“Look at me”.

I needed him to leave it be. “Just stop it will you?”

“Stop what?”

“Looking at my mouth; I know what you’re thinking”.

“And what would that be?”

“You’re wondering how come I got bruised. I fell over ok! End of!”

“No, I’m not. I wasn’t wondering that at all”.

“You were”.

“I’m not. If you must know, I’m thinking what a pretty mouth you have”.

His words annoyed me further the charming shitface. “No I haven’t. Don’t be ridiculous”

One side of his mouth rose and I wondered if he was trying to change tack, trying to ease me away from being offended. “I’m also thinking;” He began. “How much I like looking at you and how much I’d like to kiss you; properly this time”.

I snorted. He was just trying to make light of a dark situation. “No, you’re not”.

“I am”. His voice held a twinkle. I cast him a look from the corner of my eye; saw his face holding a smile but I wouldn’t look fully at him. He continued. “I’m wondering how I can persuade you to let me kiss you again”.

“Rubbish”. Don’t play me. “No, you’re not”.

“Oh, so what am I thinking then?”

I thought of the boys at school and their cruel jibes. Who’d wanna snog that? Their words still hurt as much as if I’d only just heard them and I felt sure that Rowan was thinking the same thing as they did. He was playing me, wasn’t he; seeing how far and how much fun he could have. He repeated himself when I didn’t answer. “So, come on; what am I thinking Miss Mind Reader?”

“I need to get home”.

“No, I’m not thinking that you need to get home. And, you know whilst I think on it, it’s come to my notice that every time you don’t want to answer me you tell me that you need to go home”.

I snorted again. “Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?”

I looked up at him and narrowed one eye. “Saying all this stuff; you like to look at me. I’ve a pretty mouth. You want to kiss me. Why are you saying all these things? You know you don’t mean them and so do I”.

He smiled softly and then much to my surprise he reached out with both hands. I looked at them. I knew that he wanted to pull me towards him but was holding back in case I didn’t want him to. I hadn’t realised that we’d stopped just outside the bus stop, the one practically opposite my house; the one that I’d heard them in that night whilst in my room. Being closed in on three sides it was perfect for a little privacy so when I didn’t back away he smiled, took my hand gently in his and led me inside. Once hidden from view he turned and lay his hands very softly on my hips. They felt heavy on me but this time I didn’t feel afraid, moreover I wanted to feel the weight of them. I felt certain that he wouldn’t hurt me. He’d had plenty of opportunity to do that at the end of the village when we were alone. If I wanted to scream here someone was bound to hear me. He took a step towards me and our bodies almost but not quite touched. In response I lay my hands on his sleeves. I was hesitant but wanted to feel him so very much. Again his voice was soft. “I do mean what I’m saying Susan. I wouldn’t be saying it otherwise”.

I felt a lump rising in my throat. I couldn’t take his being so sweet; and of course, the fact that he was leaving tomorrow. “I don’t believe you”. I told his chest.

In a quiet voice he answered me, hauling in a long, deep breath first and letting his words flow back out with it. “And why not; why should I lie?” I didn’t answer. How could I tell him that I felt I wasn’t worthy of his attention, of his compliments?

And he was staring at me. He’d cocked his head to one side again, watching my face through those intense dark lashed blue eyes. He spoke softly. “And what, Miss Susan, would I have to gain by teasing you in such a way?” I shrugged as though not knowing the answer to his question but of course I did know. I knew only too well and the words formed inside my head; A laugh; a giggle back at the camp with your friends. I thought of the boys at school again; how they’d insulted and tormented me. How they’d made me feel unattractive. I thought of The Shit Head; how he’d kept on telling me I was useless and stupid; how he’d made me believe that no man would look at me and I asked myself why, why would a man like Rowan be interested in someone like me. He broke into my thoughts. “Susan?”

And my secret words just bubbled up right out of my throat. They came unbidden, like they’d been waiting all my life for the chance to get out and be heard. I found myself whispering them as though in shame. “Don’t be cruel”. I said. For once I wasn’t on the defensive. For the first time I found myself opening up to another human being. “I couldn’t stand it if I thought you were playing me”.

He shook his head, appeared confused and moved back a bit so that he could look at me properly. “Playing you? Why would I play you?” He was examining me. I could feel his probing gaze and hated it. Eventually, he gave up his staring and sighed instead and as he did so he pulled me yet further into him and wrapped his arms around me. I’d moved my hands to his chest by then and allowed myself the sheer comfort of resting my forehead against him; the first real embrace I’d ever had.

Tears brimmed over my lower lashes and spilled onto my cheeks as I drank in his scent and the strength that would soon leave me. I felt his fine, strong chest rise and fall. “Och, Susan, Susan”. He whispered against my hair. “Will you not believe anything I say?” He waited for an answer but I wouldn’t give him one so he sighed again. “Whatever shall I be doing with you?”

It was my turn to haul in a breath of my own. “I’m sorry”. I said.

“What for?”

“It doesn’t matter”. The truth of it was I didn’t know what I was apologising for. As usual I offered up the apology because for some ridiculous reason, I thought that I should.

We stood together in silence a while. Me, I closed my eyes; breathed in the scent of him, ached with the heat of him against me, hurt for the emptiness that would follow. I wanted him to hold me forever but knew that he wouldn’t. He spoke. “There’s something I have to ask myself”.


He didn’t answer straight away so I had to look at his face. When my eyes settled on him I saw a hint of roguishness playing about his eyes. “Will I kiss you now?”


He was still grinning. “It’s a simple enough question; will I kiss you now?”


One side of his mouth rose into a grin. “You know,” He said lowering his face to mine. “…I think that I will”.

And he did kiss me. Oh how he kissed me and oh how The Shit Head would have detonated if he’d seen his daughter with her lips glued to those belonging to one of those ‘bloody, filthy travellers’. How he would have choked and spluttered, been enraged at the sight of his only daughter acting exactly as he’d expected; like a wanton slut; a harlot; drawing this fine, handsome man in, feeding on him like she’d never tasted anything so fine.
When he released me he cleared his throat and spoke; the grin still firmly in place, his arms still tight around me. “And you’ve a fine kiss on you Miss Susan”. I blushed; felt my face heating up under his gaze. This seemed to amuse him further and he chuckled. “And it’s a nice shade of red you’ve gone now”.

I tore my gaze away from him and scowled. “Shut up”.

He lowered his head so that he could whisper teasingly into my ear. “Do you always go this red when a person kisses you?”

“No!” I spat out against his shoulder. “Don’t be ridiculous!” Of course, I couldn’t tell him that he was the first guy I’d actually ever kissed. In reply he gave me a little squeeze, chuckled once more against my cheek before putting me away from him although he did hang onto my hands.

“Look, Susan,” He said. “Would you do something for me?” Anything. “Would you come up to the West Field tomorrow? Would you do that for me?”

“You said you were leaving tomorrow”.

“Aye we are but not until later. Come up to the West Field. About 3:00. I’ll wait by the tree shall I?”

I felt excited suddenly, my mood exploding. This wasn’t to be the last time I’d see him after all. I had tomorrow to look forward to and when I answered him I had to force myself to keep my voice steady when all I wanted to do was shriek and nod my head vigorously. Instead I spoke hesitantly, still shy with him. “I should be able to”. I pictured mother in my head and how easily I could get round her. And then I became confused. “But why do you want me to come up?”

He grinned and pulled a face. “Och we can’t leave without having you see Elsie again. She’d throw a real wobbly. She’s been quite taken by you”.

“Me?” I was surprised and couldn’t think why she’d be interested in me.

“She’s talked about nothing else since you came to visit”. He said on a grin.

“I think she’s taken a mother hen shine to you”.

And I liked that. I liked it very much.

Sunday 22nd.

The following afternoon I was ready and waiting by 1:00. Ok, I know he’d said 3:00 but I couldn’t wait. I’d spent all morning rummaging through my wardrobe and drawers but gave up in the end. All my clothes were boring and drab, far better suited to some ancient crone or 1950s teen. It wasn’t fair. I so wanted to look good for him and yet I had no clothes that would help. I became frustrated; at one point, tearful. I wanted to leave him with a lasting impression. I wanted him to look at me and decide not to go but that was never going to happen. Best I could hope for was that he wouldn’t think badly of me once he’d left.

Eventually I’d settled for jeans. Mother had found them in a thrift shop. Of course they were too big and I’d had to wear a belt and roll the legs up my calves but I guess they at least made my waist look smaller given all that spare leather. By 2:30 I felt like my stomach would burst with excitement. I couldn’t believe that I’d actually arranged to meet a man. Ok, I knew Elsie would be there but so would Rowan and that’s all that mattered. And, I had to make the most of it seeing as it would be the last time I’d lay eyes upon him.

2:24 came at last. “Going out!” I’d shouted my leaving as I’d fled through the hallway. I wasn’t going to give mother any chance to call me back. Swift of foot, I ran across the road, sprinted up the lane such was my desperation to spend as much time with Rowan as possible. The encampment came into view. As I slowed down my heart rate sped up. I made my approach on soft feet, turned the corner and there he was; My Rowan.

He’d come into view and hadn’t yet seen me. I slowed down further in order to feast my eyes upon him and I knew at once that I’d never get bored with looking at him. I let out a soft, contented sigh as I approached him. My feet were silent on the ground. I wanted to take him in for as long as possible and what a figure he cut, leaning up against a tree, his legs crossed at the ankles, his dark hair hanging loose about the white shirt on his broad shoulders. His face was downturned as he examined his fingernails. My eyes dropped to those big hands; hands that had touched me and yet not hurt me. He was total masculine perfection, my idea of the perfect mate and oh how I wanted his babies. I’d have lain down right there in the dirt with him if it meant I could have his babies. As I grew near, I knew he’d look up at any second and I wanted to savour it; savour the moment that I met my secret lover.

Ok, I think that's it. I hope you like it. :D:D
To night I just chapters 6 and 7. I llove theme both so much. Cant waite to see what happens next. thanks so much for 2 new wounderful chapters. :drool::hyper::applaud:
That well be greart cant waite:drool:. Sorry I have not been around much. Lots of stuff going on with my mom. But things are better than they where.:wave:
This is a fantastic! If you'd like a beta reader to market this as fiction (doesn't seem u2 related?), I'd love to help!
HI HI HI HI HI!!!!!! I've gotten back into fanfic the last few months and aside from my weird Harry Potter ship (Dramione) the only other fic I have ever read was yours, Youvedonewhat. I was thinking today of your stories that I've read more than a couple times, and after somehow getting back into this account, imagine my surprise to see that the chapters are still up and that you had recently commented!!! I'm so excited to get another chance to read these stories! Thanks you so much for your wonderful writing. :heart:


Holy moly, I'm so excited to read this again that I keep giddy giggling. PLEASE post more, I've run out of things to read that arent actual books even though I've always though, and wished, and dreamed, that this would one day become a published book that I can hold in my hands. Thanks again :heart::heart::heart:
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HI HI HI HI HI!!!!!! I've gotten back into fanfic the last few months and aside from my weird Harry Potter ship (Dramione) the only other fic I have ever read was yours, Youvedonewhat. I was thinking today of your stories that I've read more than a couple times, and after somehow getting back into this account, imagine my surprise to see that the chapters are still up and that you had recently commented!!! I'm so excited to get another chance to read these stories! Thanks you so much for your wonderful writing. :heart:


Holy moly, I'm so excited to read this again that I keep giddy giggling. PLEASE post more, I've run out of things to read that arent actual books even though I've always though, and wished, and dreamed, that this would one day become a published book that I can hold in my hands. Thanks again :heart::heart::heart:
:wave: Hi Flowerchild. Nice to hear from you. Believe it or not, I'm in the process of re-writing this fic. I'm practically done now. When it's complete I have to decide whether to chase an agent, post to Amazon Kindle or simply put it up somewhere online. I'd quite like to have it available for free on some website but we'll have to wait and see. It's been such fun re-visiting the story. I think though the re-write may need some kind of age rating. Anyways, hope you're doing ok. Maybe one day I'll come back here and post a new fic. :heart::drool::drool:
Hello, my friend! I think everyone has gone over to Facebook!

:wave: Hi MrsP. Good to hear from you. I hope you're doing ok. Been a long time since I was here regularly. I think you're right; they've all gone off to FaceBook Land. :D Shame it's so quiet in here now. It was always so busy. Fond memories and many laughs. Take good care of yourself. :hug::hug:
I hope you're doing OK and get to post more someday, I love this fic (it was kind of legendary in my early fandom years, but I never got to read it).
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