depression etc.

[AtomicBono]

sorry to keep making threads here. this is the last one, i promise (I probably said that last time...). i don't know where else to turn. i have plenty of friends, but i don't feel like i can talk to them because i'll just be bothering them... last night I had kind of (lolz kind of almost committing suicide=kind of) a break down and called three people (well, called one and texted two) and no one answered and i just felt even lonelier than i did before.

I'm trying hard to find reasons to live and be happy, I really am. but there is this underlying need to be wanted and loved that is literally destroying me. like I said, I've got friends, but that's not the same. i feel like i could never be attractive to anyone because obviously i'm not... I'm trying to be hopeful for the future, but if everyone by now except me has someone why should I think things will change? what's the point of existing if I don't matter to someone like that? sure my parents love me but that's not the same, that doesn't matter, they're supposed to, and I'm an adult now (legally anyway) so I need something beyond that. I just feel so empty and the boy i'm in love with is so annoyingly apathetic that I want to scream. i know it's stupid to expect him to care when he has his own things to deal with, and i know i shouldn't be so hung up on one person, but there's no one else anyway. i like one other guy but sometimes I wonder if that's only because I was trying so hard to get over boy #1 (yay numbers, they dehumanize us, robots are better anyway).

i've just been so depressed lately, and on top of that I have a zillion things to do for school before I can graduate, and I'm terrified that I won't get it all done, especially because I'm too depressed to do work half the time. i guess i have a lot of issues. I guess I should get help but I don't want my parents to know I'm not okay; I don't want them to think I can't handle things; I don't want to answer the inevitable "are you hurting yourself" bullshit, and I'm afraid if I tell someone everything they'll make me stay in a mental institution, and I really don't want that. So I guess I'm just at a loss.

 

[elevated_u2_fan]

I know this is going to sound pretty corny and all, but hang in there... Lame, I know...

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? I'm going to assume since you said:

and I'm an adult now (legally anyway)

So that would make you somewhere between 18 and 21?

You have SO MUCH time to figure this stuff out, my advice to you is to do your own thing and let relationships come to you.

I'm not exactly an old-timer or anything (I'm only 29) but I remember being in high school and thinking I was unattractive and that no girl would want me. All my friends who were girls liked me as a friend but nothing else and it was depressing sometimes.

I just did what made me happy and didn't stress about it and the right girl came along and found me and we have been together ever since (even though she's not crazy about U2 , I forgive her for her lack in musical taste )...

 

[Kiki]

Ok.....I can relate but from the other side of things. And when I tell you this I need to to try and understand that, like elevated said, hang in there.
It's hard to believe, but things will get better. I know of a few things you can do and places you can go for help and telling your parents, it's really not as earth shattering as it sounds.

Let me first give you some insight in to my experiences.
My husband suffers from depression. He was studying to be an airline pilot and he'd been down the suicide attempt road when he was in the Air Force. Because he was in the AF and he actually attempted it, he had to be hospitalized.

Last Fall, after only 2 years of marriage, he hit rock bottom. The things he did and the way he was acting, he really nearly threw our marriage out the window. I too, kept the secrets of everything for a long time, but eventually there came a time I had to tell my parents--everything. It was hard, and I know I'm a few years older than you, but I'm also an only child so I know how parents can be really over protective. When it all came down to it, it was my call. My dad, a friend of ours, and the local police were brought in to our home by me. The police explained to my husband he could either make the choice on his own and go to the hospital I wanted him to go to and just TALK to a crisis counselor, or he'd be taken out in handcuffs and place in an ambulance and escourted to the nearest hospital by them personally.
Now, I mentioned he was studying to be a pilot. I stood there and watched him make his decision. He finally came to grips and saw what was happening and he went to talk to the counselor with me. He explained he didn't want to be on meds because then he'd be "grounded" by the FAA=no more flying.

It was hard and a very VERY long struggle, for everyone involved, but he did NOT have to be hospitalized, he did have to be put on medications, but he understood that. He stepped back and saw what he was doing and what he'd almost done. He admited to feeling like he'd lost complete control over his life. The doctor he sees is nice enough to keep reminding him too, this does NOT mean he has to be on meds for the rest of his life. A few years....and then we'll get him off and see how he is.

He also see's a counselor who he really trusts. He hadn't had a counselor to talk to that he trusted since he was in the Air Force. This has all made a world of difference in both our lives.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, there will be sacrifices and there will be hard times....but trust everyone when they say if you get help and work through things, there will come a time that you'll sit back and look at things and realize....you made the right choice in not going through with something that could end your life.
It was hell, trust me. Even just being on the side I was on. I've only given you the G version of everything we went through, but honestly, if I had to do it all over again and go through and find out the things I found out and saw the things I had to see....Id do it in a heart beat just to be where we are today.

Get some help.....if you're legally an adult you technically don't have to have your parents involved. There are free or at least very cheap crisis clinics and counselors all over. Just look one up and make the appointment.
They really can't hospitalize you unless they are given just reason to believe that you truely will do something to yourself.

My husband was asked that night by the crisis counselor if he needed to be hospitalized and watched. he said no. The counselor asked him if he was going to hurt himself, he said no. He asked if he was going to kill himself, he said no. He asked if he was going to hurt me or kill me or come after him(the counselor), at that point they laughed and my husband said no.
Then it came for me to make a decision....did I trust him and did I want him hospitalized against his will? I had the power to do that. I had to put my trust in him. I couldnt do that to him. So I said no, he didn't have to be hospitalized.

If you talk to someone and you're honest with them....they'll believe you and they'd be willing to give you a chance.

I hope some of this helped. You're in my prayers.

 

[redkat]

"Having someone" can't make someone happy and if it does it's very temporary. In fact having someone can often make a person miserable. I know it feels like you're being left out or left behind but your time will come. I was a late bloomer, in that I didn't have a boyfriend until I was out of high school. I think I was better off for it and I actually enjoyed high school quite a lot with no drama.

If you're really feeling this bad about things you should see a counselor. I don't think you'll end up institutionalized it's pretty hard in fact to get yourself institutionalized so don't worry about that. Is there a counselor on campus? Or try a local resource center if you're worried about telling your parents.

Take care of yourself

 

[Spiral_Staircase]

My advice: listen to Kiki and redcat and talk to a counselor. Start with a school counselor - they can point you to someone else if needed. This can be a terrifying thing to consider, but it is SO worth it. Like you, and everyone else, I want eveyone to think I've got it all together, but there is a tremendous freedom that comes with admiting we don't have eveything figured out and we need help. Don't suffer alone. And there may be some "are you hurting yourself" bullshit. I have to admit I've dished some of that out before, but it's only because people care about you and don't want you hurting yourself! That's a beautiful thing, however annoying it may come across.

As far as reasons to live...I believe there are some GREAT ones out there. Search them out...don't be satisfied with the darkness you're in. Get some help. Hang in there!!

Kiki - thanks for sharing your struggle.

 

[VertigoGal]

talk to a counselor. they won't lock you up or anything, and you don't have to discuss anything with your parents. you can try to find something completely on your own through your school or local resources, or you could just tell them you think you could benefit from it due to stress, contemplating your future, whatever.

don't feel bad about making the thread. even if you can't put your finger on it all the time, you're obviously struggling. it's good to reach out for help.

 

[Kiki]

Kiki - thanks for sharing your struggle.

No problemo! I wouldn't have done so if I didn't think it might help someone in some way.

 

[AtomicBono]

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? I'm going to assume since you said: So that would make you somewhere between 18 and 21?

yeah i'm 18, bout to graduate high school, assuming I can get everything done (I have a 20-30 page econ paper, a swordfighting presentation/demonstration, 7 art pieces, and two AP tests to do )

Thanks for the advice. I'll probably talk to someone...I dunno...I guess my main problem is when I'm really depressed I don't really want to talk to anyone, and when I'm in a good mood I don't want to spoil it by talking about the bad things. but I suppose since this hasn't exactly gone away I should prolly do something about it. i at least told my friend i wasn't doing too well and he said i could call him anytime so that helped at least.

again thanks for advice and well wishes. hopefully I'll get things sorted out.

 

[Allanah]

A few things, my fabulously-screennamed friend:

1. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of. It is an illness. GET HELP. Look at your post, and replace every instance of "depression" with a symptom of cancer. Would you keep ignoring it, or "probably" talk to someone? No, you'd seek medical attention. This is no different, and you recognize that you're not getting better on your own. That's the first step; the second is telling someone who can help you. It's good to just have someone you can talk to, but you need a professional. I know it's easier said than done. Print our your post and give it to a school counselor if it's too difficult to say the words, but I cannot stress this enough: please speak to someone about this. Your health depends on it. Take care of yourself.

2. I've seen too many people be unhappy because they try to validate themselves through relationships. That never, EVER works. Not to get all schlocky or anything, but a sense of self-worth isn't going to come from anyone except YOU. You're smart, you're 18, you've got college to look forward to -- believe me, you'll love college. High school's almost over, and I think it being over might be the best thing that ever happens to you.

You might find this interesting... I've had the same conversation with three different people in the past week, and only once was the topic introduced by me -- I wish I could get in a time machine and go back and talk to myself when I was starting high school. I'd sit my younger self down and have a nice little chat. "Younger self," I'd say, "The next four years are going to be fun. There will also be a lot of bullshit you'll have to deal with. To name a few: boys, a hideously overblown inferiority complex, and the girls on the cheerleading squad. Also: physics. But in a few years you'll look back on it and wonder why you let so much of it stress you out. High school does funny things to people. It turns the pretty people into absolute monsters, it makes anyone who thinks for herself feel like she's not worth living, and Friday night football and the afterparties will be the most important thing in the world. College and a career after that seems distant and scary and impossible. It'll worry you.

"But the thing is, it shouldn't. In a few years, all of that will be a distant memory. You'll run into some of the jerks from high school when you're in college and find out that they're not so bad, or that they've at least mellowed out a little. Some of them will even apologize for being assholes. Being smart is suddenly a lot more attractive to people. That guy you thought you couldn't live without? You'll wonder what in the hell you ever saw in him. Boys who wouldn't give you the time of day are now doing double-takes. College will be fun and interesting, and there are a million people you can talk to if you're not sure what you're doing, namely your guidance counselor and the careers office at the university. It'll be hard, too, but not nearly as difficult as you thought. High school will have prepared you well. You will begin to realize that you -- yes, YOU -- are pretty damned awesome."

Since I can't do that, I'm saying it to you.