Am I just unhappy?

[Lancemc]

I just don't know.

For all accounts, I should be a perfectly happy young man. I've been accepted into a good school. I've known exaclty what I've wanted for my future for at least 3 years now, so I have plenty or direction. I have amazing loving parents who try their best to support me, despite our financial shortcomings. I have several really great friends from back home who I've only gotten closer to since we went off to seperate colleges. I've been several really great friends here as well (though not as many as I would have idealy hoped). I've fallen madly in love (which I suppose could be considered a good thing, although it's been nothing but a trainwreck in the long run). So really, on the surface I can't find a single thing that's utterly bad with my life.

Yet, I find myself suffering these terrible mood swings. Some times I feel absolutely wonderful, as if nothing could be better. Then the next moment, I feel like I'm just an asshole and things really couldn't be worse. I've always had these mood swings just like any normal person would. But since I've gotten to school, they've gotten more and more frequent, and more and more extreme in either direction. I normally would never post something quite like this on a "good day", and on my bad days I'm usually focused more on one specific thing. But today I've had a thought that I never had so far in my entire life. I thought, "Maybe I'm just an unhappy person overall?"

So, let's revisit those preliminary points I brought up earlier. 1. Yeah, this is a good school, but it's not that good. And really, it's not worth the money my family is struggling to pay for it. In fact, they pretty much rip me off on everything. Not saying all colleges don't, but for a little bit more I could be going to NYU, which in almost every aspect is a much finer institution. And the people here remind me so much of my highschool, which I was glad to escape. In fact, the people who go here are a good 3 times more fucked up than anyone I knew in high school.

2. Yeah, I know what I want to do. I want to work in the recording arts somewhere. Production, engineering, composition, sound reinforcement, I don't really care. It's all cool. But sometimes I doubt that I even want to do that. Maybe I'm clinging onto something just because music is about the only thing that brings me any true joy these days. What are my chances of being successful in the business anyway? Not very good. But here I am. And this ties into point #3. I fucked up this past semester and a little bit this one. My academic counselor told me I neede dto maintain a 2.0 GPA to hold my merit scholarship (which is the only thing keeping me in this school). So I get something like a 3.12..etc. last semester. Whoops. Turns out I need a 3.2 or higher. So I need to bring it up this semster or I'm fucked.

Well, every day I rationalize how easy that is. Except for the fact that a couple weeks ago I blew off my history midterm because I was feeling sorry for myelf and angry and pissed and miserable, so I fucked up. I really hate myself for it, because they best I can do now is pull a C in that class, provided I rock my term-paper (surprise surprise, I'm procrastinating on that too) and my final. Ok, a C is alright, if I can get A's in all 4 of my other classes. Yeah, we'll see about that. I think it shouldn't be too hard. But I've done nothing but fuck up my entire scholastic career, so let's see how that works out.

But that's not the big idea here. Today I thought about what would happen if I lost my scholarship and had to leave school. Not only would that completely fuck up my social mindframe I've been only barely able to build and maintain so far my freshman year, but I'd be in big shit with the folks. And normally that would be OK, except they're just such amazing people I can never bare to complain about ANYTHING, for fear or disappointing them or making myself look weak or lazy (which I totally am) or ungrateful, or I don't know what. I have major problem comunicating with my parents. They barely know anything about what happened between Kate and I (check other 22 pagemindfuck of a thread below on the page). My mom's knowledge of that ordeal could be completely explained in two sentences. But anyway, I thought about what would happen if I had to leave. Well, forget about any major merit awards again, so I'd end up in a NJ state school somewhere where nobody offers courses for my major. So that's the end of that dream. And basically, if I don't end up in the music business I don't want to do anything else that requires huge amounts of work for something I dislike. So I'll end up getting a shitty business degree and work in/eventually own a record shop somewhere. I could be happy with that. Nothing big. Just a quiet life and a small busniess where I can geek out about music all day. Except for the fact that I would be constantly reminded of how I blew my life's ambition and ended up in a pissant record shop selling Justin Timberlake to dumbass white girls (I'd never do that though, just saying ).

But that's a huge what-if, and I have faith my parents would find a way to make things work. But I would still hate myself for blowing it. And that fear is really the only thing keeping me motivated these days. And that's another thing. I don't really like myself all that much. I hate my complete lack of motivation, and that I often convince myself into taking shortcuts or just fully bowing off certain things I need to do, and end up hating myself even more for it afterwards. I've tried to change this, and sometimes I can manage to makes things work for a while, but then I'll slip back into another bout of depression (or whatever this is) and completely fall back into bad habits.

I don't like the way I feel towards other people either. I tend to dislike people in general. Even people I should be able to consider friends I find flaws in and focus on things that eventually push them away. How am I supposed to get along with people if I can't stand them? But it's worse then just not getting along. I can coexist with people cordially and even fake a friendship when I have to. But inside, I can't stand them. And I know this is the way with a lot of people to some degree, but I feel this way more than I think I should.

And I know there is a ton of other stuff I'm just too upset to think of right now, but the final thing is just this whole Kate situation. This serious emotional trouble really started around the time that ordeal did, although the seeds of this have been around me for years. I think that this was just a sort of trigger for all these feelings that I've been supressing all these years. Ultimately, I think the biggest reason I feel so shitty is that I'm just lonely. I've never felt so utterly horrible and lonely in my whole life. And It's not for lack of trying either. I'm been far more social this year than I ever have been. I go out with people, go to parties, do my best to meet people, but this ties back into the other issue. I just don't like people. Yet I feel so damn lonely? How does that make sense? I'm not sure.

Well, I've already written far more about this then I ever wanted to so I'll leave it with that.

 

[Lancemc]

I was just looking some stuff up online, and I think I have a lot of symptoms that are associated with clinical depression. I mean, I'm not at a point where I can't function daily, but some of the stuff like disliking myself, feeling hostile towards random people, even people I don't even know for no reason, general sad haze, constant lack of ambition or motivation, this stuff matches pretty well. I don't really know much at all about depression or anything about mental health really, so I don't know like, if there are different stages of depression? Like, could these be signs of the onset of it or something? What are the different kinds of depression. Like could I be bipolar?! I don't know. And I HOPE that I'm just freaking out and over reacting, but this shit's scary. I never thought anything like this could happen to me. Clinical depression? What? But maybe...ahhh mann. What do I do?

 

[indra]

Does your school have mental health counselors? Or a health clinic? Make an appointment to talk to someone and tell them what you posted here (print it out and take it with you if you have to).

You are facing a lot of pressure right now, so even if you aren't clinically depressed it wouldn't hurt to talk to someone who can help you figure out what to do. And if you are depressed it's best to know and do something about it. It's an illness, not a weakness, so treat it as such.

 

[BonoIsMyMuse]

I agree that a visit to a school counselor is a good place to start. I'd also encourage you to talk with your parents, too. Sometimes asking someone for help is the hardest thing you can do in a situation like this, because you might be equating asking for help with weakness. Believe me, I know.

I was at a very bad place in my life a few years ago. Things had been going great for me, then a lot of things in my life changed all at once--I moved from a town where I'd been really happy for reasons out of my control, I started at a new school I didn't really like where I was having a hard time making friends, I got dumped by the guy I thought I was going to marry. Instead of talking to anyone, I kept everything bottled up inside. I thought that if I didn't tell anyone that things weren't okay, I could convince myself that they were. Looking back now, I know if I'd been brave enough to ask for help sooner, I could've gotten my life back on track a good six months before I finally did.

What was most valuable to me in the long run was learning to recognize the negative patterns of thinking I sometimes use, and to try to find better ways to cope with things. That's not to say I don't still go through rough patches, because I do, but if I catch myself starting to think really negatively, I try to take a step back and look at why I'm acting that way. Sometimes I just need to remember to take a deep breath and put things in perspective. I learned to do this on my own, but I think I could've learned to do it a lot more quickly had I tried counseling.

I know you're feeling a lot of pressure to be a good student and be a good son (and be a good Wilco fan ), but you have to be good to yourself before you can do any of those things. You can be in the best school or have the best job in the universe, but if you're not happy, nothing else matters. Don't let this interfere with your life any more than it already has. Be brave and take the first step now so that things will get easier for you instead of tougher.

 

[redhotswami]

AU has a mental health screening web site. Check it out. https://www.mentalhealthscreening.org/screening/welcome.asp

Regardless of what your results are, I think you should call and schedule an appointment. Talking with someone knowledgeable in the field is very beneficial, and can probably help you sort some things out.

 

[Lancemc]

Thanks for the advice and the link. Based on the self-assessment thing I show symptoms consistent with Depression and Generalized Anxiety. Wonderful. I think I'm going to schedule an appointment sometime this week.

 

[MooMoo!]

Could be bipolar, and im guessing you arnt young enough to be haunted by hormones anymore.

Get it checked out. clinical depression isnt always as daunting as it sounds, but be VERY careful if you get prescribed drugs. check them out for any dependance issues as ive heard some dodgy things about certain ones.

 

[redhotswami]

Thanks for the advice and the link. Based on the self-assessment thing I show symptoms consistent with Depression and Generalized Anxiety. Wonderful. I think I'm going to schedule an appointment sometime this week.

No prob! I'm glad you're scheduling an appointment. If you're comfortable sharing, let us know how it goes!

 

[AtomicBono]

And I know there is a ton of other stuff I'm just too upset to think of right now, but the final thing is just this whole Kate situation. This serious emotional trouble really started around the time that ordeal did, although the seeds of this have been around me for years. I think that this was just a sort of trigger for all these feelings that I've been supressing all these years. Ultimately, I think the biggest reason I feel so shitty is that I'm just lonely. I've never felt so utterly horrible and lonely in my whole life. And It's not for lack of trying either. I'm been far more social this year than I ever have been. I go out with people, go to parties, do my best to meet people, but this ties back into the other issue. I just don't like people. Yet I feel so damn lonely? How does that make sense? I'm not sure.

Wow, that sounds just like me. I'm terribly lonely, yet I have days where everyone annoys me and I just want to be alone.... even though I'm lonely...it doesn't make any sense and falling in love can really fuck you up, at least it did for me, it's a goddamn emotional roller coaster

I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety in the fourth grade, which is extremely young, but my mom has it (or was diagnosed with it, later it was discovered that she's bipolar). It's not so terrible and no one has to know. But depending on what pills you take, they can cause weight gain. I was extremely skinny until I started taking Zoloft. That's part of the reason I really don't want to go back on it (I stopped taking it my sophomore year).

I want to work in the recording arts somewhere. Production, engineering, composition, sound reinforcement, I don't really care. It's all cool. But sometimes I doubt that I even want to do that. Maybe I'm clinging onto something just because music is about the only thing that brings me any true joy these days.

I feel exactly the same. That was why I had my initial interest in audio production, because I knew I wanted to do something in the music industry, and the program at NYU sounded like it'd really prepare you for success. But I didnt get into that so I'm on plan B... i'm thinking of going to medical school, and i'm going to try to start a band this summer/fall. that way I can do something with music while I pursue another career, unless my band happens to get famous

Lance I think you're the boy me my life too looks ideal on the surface - loving and supportive parents, plenty of friends, the future seemingly planned out... but there is something missing. I really do feel terribly lonely.

you should probably schedule an appointment, like you said. Don't let things get out of control. I've already let myself fall apart and I'm not really doing anything to stop it... this is one of those do as I say not as I do things good luck and keep us posted feel free to PM me or email or IM or whatever too, our situations have some parallels

 

[BonoIsMyMuse]

For what it's worth, sometimes a very low dose of an antidepressant is all someone needs to manage clinical depression. Zoloft is one of the ones most commonly prescribed to teenagers and college-aged people. I was on it for about a year. I had a lot of problems with side effects (I gained a crazy amount of weight, for instance, though I know that's not typical for everyone), so I stopped taking it as soon as I could, but it did really help me when I needed it.

Doctors usually recommend that a patient stays on antidepressants for at least a year to prevent a relapse of a "major depressive episode," and if you do start taking them, make sure you don't stop without a doctor's supervision, since that can be harmful.

Feel free to PM me as well.

 

[coemgen]

I just read your post. Sorry you're going through all of that.
I agree that you should try to talk with a school counselor. I did in college and it helped. I felt similar to what you're feeling -- only I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do. It's cool to hear you have a passion and something that excites you. I'd definitely talk to someone though -- I'm a firm believer we ALL need someone to talk to. It's a good thing. I'm glad to hear you're making an appointment.

I also would be careful in trying to figure out what is going on with you. You may be right, it could be clinical depression and/or general anxiety, but I'd let someone else make the call. It could very well be that, and it sounds possible to me that it is, but I know when I was going through stuff I'd try to figure out what it was and I found that it was easy to identify with a whole bunch of things. I ended up convincing myself I had a whole bunch of serious problems, when I didn't really. That just created more anxiety than I needed. Do you know what I mean?

Take care of yourself though. You seem like a bright person with a good heart who just needs to talk things out. Hang in there. I'll keep you in my prayers. Please keep us posted.

 

[Lancemc]

Just got back from my meeting with a school councelor. He referred me to the Meyer Treatment Center of the Washington School of Psychiatry. He wants me to see a therapist and a psychiatrist there. I have an appointment for 8:15 tomorrow morning at this place.

I honestly feel like I slipped into some parallel dimension or something. I mean, one day I'm just laying around my room like nothing's going on, then the next day I'm in therapy? Just so weird.

 

[coemgen]

Lancemc, it may seem a bit odd, but I have to say that I think you've made the right decision. It doesn't hurt to at least look into things. I may not know you, but I have to say I'm proud of you. The biggest thing anyone can do in your situation is just get some help with it. As Bono puts it, sometimes you can't make it on your own. Like I've said before, we all could use someone to talk to at some point in our lives — someone who's trained to walk us through something and give us advice is the best possible outcome.

Good luck with everything. You're in my prayers.

 

[absintheminded]

Bipolar.

 

[elevation2u]

double post

 

[elevation2u]

everytime I look at articles on depression it's as if it was written about me, yet i no longer let it get me even more down. I came to the conclusion that happiness is unattainable, I wasn't meant to be satisfied, and who really is? I don't know.

 

[redhotswami]

everytime I look at articles on depression it's as if it was written about me, yet i no longer let it get me even more down. I came to the conclusion that happiness is unattainable, I wasn't meant to be satisfied, and who really is? I don't know.

 

[Canadiens1131]

Based on the self-assessment thing I show symptoms consistent with Depression and Generalized Anxiety.

Generalized anxiety???? Welcome to college??

 

[MaxFisher]

the way you described your mood swings reminded me of my own clinical depression.

 

[BonoIsMyMuse]

Generalized anxiety???? Welcome to college??

College students are one of the largest parts of the population to suffer from anxiety and depression, and understandably so. Too often, I think doctors prescribe medication rather than getting to the root of the problem with therapy that will help the person learn to cope with stressful situations in a healthy way rather than feeling overwhelmed and desperate.

I do think antidepressants are necessary in some courses of treatment (I definitely needed them for awhile, in fact), but on the whole I think they're overprescribed.

 

[A_Wanderer]

I think that until your in your twenties your general disposition and mood is not completely set in stone, the brain has to mature; teen angst gives given way to an ennui towards social situations, in comes an obsession with detail and tricky problems and general misanthropy - it's a great place to be

Remember that you can't just medicate self-confidence; get to the point where you can admire yourself and the rest will follow.

 

[cobl04]

Hmm, it was interesting to read some of these posts. There's a few similarities between Lancemc and Atomic Bono's stories to mine, but I'll stress that I'm don't appear as deep in as you two. I really hope things can improve for you, good luck with everything!

I'm sorta the same. Life's going pretty well. I'm 16, 2006 was probably the best year of my life to date. I became more confident, I did well in school, joined the local cricket club which I instantly fell in love with and am so happy about, I saw U2 live which ticked off one of my life goals. So it would seem I've got nothing to complain about. I've got a great bunch of mates, I am still doing well in school, I love the cricket club, I am hugely into music, I absolutely love sport to death, and I know what I want to do in life, which is a luxury that not many 16-year-olds have.

But every morning I wake up, and there's not a passing a day where I can't get my mind off one thing. I've never had a girlfriend, or even kissed a girl. I know this sounds incredibly petty, and I'm a little ashamed to post it here, but I thought I'd just put it out there. It comes down to peer pressure I suppose. It's got to the point where whenever a party or night club comes up, I get incredibly anxious about going because of this pressure. I guess I'm just afraid of being the 18-year-old amongst his mates who hasn't kissed a girl, while his mates are all out getting busy. Again, I just wanted to bring this up, it's affecting me, but not as major as others. Thanks.

Good luck Lancemc and Atomic Bono!

 

[LemonMelon]

Hmm, it was interesting to read some of these posts. There's a few similarities between Lancemc and Atomic Bono's stories to mine, but I'll stress that I'm don't appear as deep in as you two. I really hope things can improve for you, good luck with everything!

I'm sorta the same. Life's going pretty well. I'm 16, 2006 was probably the best year of my life to date. I became more confident, I did well in school, joined the local cricket club which I instantly fell in love with and am so happy about, I saw U2 live which ticked off one of my life goals. So it would seem I've got nothing to complain about. I've got a great bunch of mates, I am still doing well in school, I love the cricket club, I am hugely into music, I absolutely love sport to death, and I know what I want to do in life, which is a luxury that not many 16-year-olds have.

But every morning I wake up, and there's not a passing a day where I can't get my mind off one thing. I've never had a girlfriend, or even kissed a girl. I know this sounds incredibly petty, and I'm a little ashamed to post it here, but I thought I'd just put it out there. It comes down to peer pressure I suppose. It's got to the point where whenever a party or night club comes up, I get incredibly anxious about going because of this pressure. I guess I'm just afraid of being the 18-year-old amongst his mates who hasn't kissed a girl, while his mates are all out getting busy. Again, I just wanted to bring this up, it's affecting me, but not as major as others. Thanks.

Good luck Lancemc and Atomic Bono!

Glad to hear you've been doing to well.

About the relationships thing; I am in the same boat. As a 16 year old, I'm pretty content with myself, my attributes, talents, etc...but I really have had little success with the opposite sex. Don't be ashamed to admit this. But let me tell you; people who exude confidence are more likely to garner attention than those filled with doubt about themselves.

Good luck to everyone in this thread.

 

[cobl04]

Cheers, LemonMelon, I didn't realise you were 16! That makes you cool.

And yeah, I've noticed the confidence thing as well. I think it's just the longer you go without success, the more your confidence can tend to go down. But I got more confident last year so Sometimes I think maybe I should go out instead of being here on Interference, but I do enjoy the place.

Good luck everyone, I hope it all turns around, and it will.

 

[AtomicBono]

everytime I look at articles on depression it's as if it was written about me, yet i no longer let it get me even more down. I came to the conclusion that happiness is unattainable, I wasn't meant to be satisfied, and who really is? I don't know.

i sometimes feel that way, but i have moments of happiness. that's enough to live for. no one's perfectly happy their entire life. I'd like to be more content in general, but i think teenage years in general are bound to be tumultuous... i don't know

COBL, I feel your pain. it's not petty. I'm sure something will happen for you eventually, though. I've always felt like guys in general are a lot more confident than girls...or they appear to be. If you're getting more confident, that's a good thing. Just keep going about your life and doing what makes you happy

Lance, good luck. going into therapy sounds drastic, but it's not so rare these days. you're doing the right thing.

 

[cobl04]

i sometimes feel that way, but i have moments of happiness. that's enough to live for. no one's perfectly happy their entire life. I'd like to be more content in general, but i think teenage years in general are bound to be tumultuous... i don't know

COBL, I feel your pain. it's not petty. I'm sure something will happen for you eventually, though. I've always felt like guys in general are a lot more confident than girls...or they appear to be. If you're getting more confident, that's a good thing. Just keep going about your life and doing what makes you happy

Lance, good luck. going into therapy sounds drastic, but it's not so rare these days. you're doing the right thing.

Thanks AtomicBono! Hope everything works out for you as well. I think teenage years are meant to be tumultuous, I reckon at the age of 21 or something you'll look back and just laugh.

 

[elevation2u]

"some day we'll look back and it will all seem funny"

 

[A_Wanderer]

It doesn't - so live.

 

[redhotswami]

you know, im really surprised at how much pressure people tend to put themselves on when it comes to romantic relationships. i saw it even when i was in high school, but i fought it. because i was a witty little outcast teenager and i fought everything.

but that still seems to carry today! like we are expected to be in a relationship sometimes. i really don't like it when i meet some guy, and they consider me fair game just because i'm not in a relationship with someone else. just because i don't have a boyfriend doesn't mean i'm looking for one!

and i have friends that move from one relationship to the next, just for the sake of being in a relationship, no matter how harmful it is.

anyway, in terms of confidence, there's no need to feel less confident just because you're not in a relationship. if anything, you should be confident that you are staying true to your ideals, and you're not compromising yourself, just so you can say you are in a relationship. that's not healthy.

you all have very much to be proud of and happy for. keep livin your lives to the fullest

oh, and btw, COBL, at 21 my life was still tumultuous. I think the 20s are a decade of pain due to all the personal development that we experience.

 

[AtomicBono]

you know, im really surprised at how much pressure people tend to put themselves on when it comes to romantic relationships. i saw it even when i was in high school, but i fought it. because i was a witty little outcast teenager and i fought everything.

but that still seems to carry today! like we are expected to be in a relationship sometimes. i really don't like it when i meet some guy, and they consider me fair game just because i'm not in a relationship with someone else. just because i don't have a boyfriend doesn't mean i'm looking for one!

and i have friends that move from one relationship to the next, just for the sake of being in a relationship, no matter how harmful it is.

anyway, in terms of confidence, there's no need to feel less confident just because you're not in a relationship. if anything, you should be confident that you are staying true to your ideals, and you're not compromising yourself, just so you can say you are in a relationship. that's not healthy.

you all have very much to be proud of and happy for. keep livin your lives to the fullest

Thanks for the encouraging words. I can say for me that not being in a relationship is the one thing that gets to me more than anything. Three of my closest friends are in long-term relationships, so I feel so out of place. I'm paranoid they think I'm pathetic or whatever because I'm not with anyone. I can't shake the feeling. But hopefully things will change in college...