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Starr 01-27-2002 03:15 PM

The Inner Struggling...
To all:

Your words have helped me a lot. I ended up putting the mirror to myself & really going over who I am & what issues I need to deal with. self discovery sucks when it comes in form of this. It turns out I don't express myself as good as I think I do & I really get scared on my feelings. I mean that I will say oh I care about you but that's it. I have realized that it's stupid hold back things because in the long run it still hurts the same.

Now the struggle I am having with myself is telling him what I discovered. Not that I believe it might change anything cause I feel that I was so ugly, I am truly embarrassed on how I behaved, I hate myself for how I was & acted. That why would someone even want to even take another stab at this. If I was on the outside I would say "hell no."

I want to call him so bad & tell him but not sure if he would be receptive at all. Then I decided to email him but then he could be like she is just saying this, to get me back.
The speaking to him part is tormenting me so bad, on one hand I think I need to give it time because just because I beat myself up over what happened & my part of the problems. Doesn't mean the other has. He probably is on the hating aspect. But then I feel if I call him, I say my peace finally & how I feel & its over for me...

I am not sure which is true? Do any of you know?

Sorry for being such cripple when it comes to this but like I said this is a 1st. I just want the feeling to go away.

MissVelvetDress_75 01-27-2002 03:30 PM

Starr, I have read about your fight and breakup with your BF. I am so sorry to read about it and to see the hurt that you are going through. You situation is similar to one that I had with an ex. We broke up several times and ended up getting back together but eventually broke it off for good. I ended up saying and doing some very ugly and mean things to him because he hurt me so bad and to this day I am very sorry for my actions, because he ended up losing alot of trust my friendship. I do not know what to tell you that will make you feel any better other than try to let a few days past before talking to him. There is a lot of hurt that you both are still feeling and time needs to pass in order for the two of you to have a clear mind before talking. You are in a very vulnarable stage right now and it is very easy to give in to the temptations of picking up the phone and sending email to him. When I was in this situation, I would rely on my friends to help me out. I would call them, go to their house and do about anything to get my mind off of the problem. I think you and your BF will be able to talk in a few days without either one being on the defense.

JennyBean 01-27-2002 10:27 PM

Sometimes writing a letter I don't intend to send helps me. You can get all your feelings out and rewrite it as many times as necessary. Then when you are ready to talk to him you will have an idea of what you want to actually say to him. I hope you feel better soon. No matter what PLEBA is always here for you. Look at goofy pics, or read funny stories. PLEBA will cheer you up at least a little! Good luck.

Lemonboy 01-28-2002 07:07 AM

As I said honesty and trust is the cornerstones of a relationship!

And If you are going to talk to him you have got to do it either by phone or in person..I think letters and absolutely emails are so unpersonal!

If I was him and I got an Email I would feel like ohh,So she is to ashamed to even look me in the face,and how should you be able to build up a relationship if you canīt look your partner in the eyes!

Oh well,I understand what you both are going through(at least I think so!)

but If you donīt talk to him you wonīt be able to sort things out....and I know that when itīs comes to such an initiative guys are usually very afraid so you just have to be strong!

Take care!

"Master of sexual innuendo"
"PLEBA Mansion Bootler"

Starr 01-28-2002 08:58 AM

Thanks you all SO MUCH !!!!

You are all awesome & i really i am grateful, for so much right now. Words cannot even express how much help you all have been.

from the bottom of my heart

spinninghead77 01-28-2002 09:23 AM

Hi Starr. Sorry that I didn't reply until now. I read your posts and I thought alot about your situation. I feel bad for you. It is really hard to lose someone that you care about, and just as hard when you know that you did something that you wish that you hadn't. The only advice that I have for you is that you have to follow your heart. If you and your boyfriend are meant to be, then you will be able to work things out with him. If he isn't willing to talk things out, then you deserve a guy that is.

Remember, that your boyfriend may be the greatest guy in the world, but that if he isn't treating you the way that you deserve to be treated, and he isn't making you happy, then you deserve someone that will.

Best Wishes Starr. If you ever need someone to talk to you can email me at Spinninghead77@hotmail.com.

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