How to handle spouse that DETESTS U2!!!
- Thread starter mellow moog
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The friendliest place on the web for anyone that follows U2.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
mysterious_jen
Blue Crack Addict
my partner has an issue with u2 , he came with me to the vertigo shows and was a pain in the arse,
so now i am warming him to the idea that i will be going to all the shows in australia and am taking my leave/saving up to do so .
i slip it into conversation from time to time and so on ,
just so it isn't a suprise.
in the end its my money and well, iv'e loved this band too long . he knew that when i met him . so he has to expect a bit of fangirl insanity from time to time.
She will either get it or she wont. and if she wont come to the show or approve, then put up with the cold shoulder for a bit .
so now i am warming him to the idea that i will be going to all the shows in australia and am taking my leave/saving up to do so .
i slip it into conversation from time to time and so on ,
just so it isn't a suprise.
in the end its my money and well, iv'e loved this band too long . he knew that when i met him . so he has to expect a bit of fangirl insanity from time to time.
She will either get it or she wont. and if she wont come to the show or approve, then put up with the cold shoulder for a bit .
SethVincent
Refugee
Damn NSW what don't you know
I am still trying to figure out what InDra meant
Perdue
The Fly
Divorse. J/K! 
coolian2
Blue Crack Supplier
i'd like to think my partner in crime likes u2, to be honest. i'd be a bit surprised if she didn't.
I've often thought there is a reason God keeps us U2 freak apart - can you imagine the money and time following the band two married U2 freaks would spend? 
My hubby barely tolerates my obsession, although he did go along with me to Honolulu. But in the past 6 months, with the realease of the new album, he told me he would pay me a million dollars if he didn't have to hear the name
U2 for the next year. Needless to say, he knew it was a safe bet. Even though he is sick of hearing me talk about them, he is also going along with me to Vegas.
That being said, I have been a wife for 15 years, and I think you wife is being totally unreasonable. If you have the money to spend, I really don't understand her jealousy. My husband travels about 5-6 months out of the year for business, so we don't see each other as much as other couples- if he had some musical obsession and wanted me to travel along with him to see the group, I would be more than happy to go, even if I hated the music. Why? Because I love him, and I like to see him involved in activities that make him happy. In fact, when I met him 15 years ago, he was really into football, and I really wasn't at all. Now, I am the bigger football fan in the family - why? Because I wanted to learn about things that interested him, and I wanted us to develop common interests.
Seriously, I hate to say this to the OP, but your wife seems really selfish, and just a general pain in the ass, a killjoy. I am assuming there are lots of things you love about her that really outweigh her negativity? (like, is she super model hot?) I feel for you - marriage is never easy, but its particularly hard when your spouse is not your #1 cheerleader.
I wish you the best - good luck!
My hubby barely tolerates my obsession, although he did go along with me to Honolulu. But in the past 6 months, with the realease of the new album, he told me he would pay me a million dollars if he didn't have to hear the name
U2 for the next year. Needless to say, he knew it was a safe bet. Even though he is sick of hearing me talk about them, he is also going along with me to Vegas.
That being said, I have been a wife for 15 years, and I think you wife is being totally unreasonable. If you have the money to spend, I really don't understand her jealousy. My husband travels about 5-6 months out of the year for business, so we don't see each other as much as other couples- if he had some musical obsession and wanted me to travel along with him to see the group, I would be more than happy to go, even if I hated the music. Why? Because I love him, and I like to see him involved in activities that make him happy. In fact, when I met him 15 years ago, he was really into football, and I really wasn't at all. Now, I am the bigger football fan in the family - why? Because I wanted to learn about things that interested him, and I wanted us to develop common interests.
Seriously, I hate to say this to the OP, but your wife seems really selfish, and just a general pain in the ass, a killjoy. I am assuming there are lots of things you love about her that really outweigh her negativity? (like, is she super model hot?
) I feel for you - marriage is never easy, but its particularly hard when your spouse is not your #1 cheerleader.I wish you the best - good luck!
gman
New Yorker
I have to have my tuppenceworth on this. Bottom line Moog.....u2 comes around and takes up your time for a few weeks every 4-5 yrs. Dont let her kill your passion. I suggest she really needs to wake up and smell the coffee!
It is clear that you spend a lot of quality timerwith her, about 95% of the time.
I am off the opinion that you need to make a stand on this. Dont let her take this one thing from ya! If, as you say, your marrage is on the line because of this, two things spring to mind,
1. she is trying to emotionally manipulate you
or
2. She isnt happy and is using this as an excuse.................or come to think of it.....could be both. A sucsessfull relationship requires each partner to be able to do their own thing, as well as stuff together.
It is clear that you spend a lot of quality timerwith her, about 95% of the time.
I am off the opinion that you need to make a stand on this. Dont let her take this one thing from ya! If, as you say, your marrage is on the line because of this, two things spring to mind,
1. she is trying to emotionally manipulate you
or
2. She isnt happy and is using this as an excuse.................or come to think of it.....could be both. A sucsessfull relationship requires each partner to be able to do their own thing, as well as stuff together.
vlasak
Acrobat
I had that problem with my (now) ex husband. Just ignore it (her) and it will go away.
you think he should leave his wife just because she doesn't like u2? that's a bit harsh.
mama cass
Rock n' Roll Doggie VIP PASS
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i'm sure there are far worse things you could be doing instead of just wanting to go to a few gigs... i mean you're not exactly doing something illegal or horrible or dangerous or violent... a lot of women put up with far worse in their relationships don't they... sounds like she doesn't know what she's got!
(that is, assuming you're a balanced U2 fan and not a total obsessive with nothing else in your life, otherwise that would surely drive any spouse nuts)
but seriously, freedom to grow is so important in any relationship... maybe she needs encouraging to find some of her own interests as well?? to balance things out a bit?
it's a sad situation to be in though... hope things work out ok...
(that is, assuming you're a balanced U2 fan and not a total obsessive with nothing else in your life, otherwise that would surely drive any spouse nuts)
but seriously, freedom to grow is so important in any relationship... maybe she needs encouraging to find some of her own interests as well?? to balance things out a bit?
it's a sad situation to be in though... hope things work out ok...
mama cass
Rock n' Roll Doggie VIP PASS
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i think balance is everything... you don't want to be completely blinkered in your interest in U2 to such an extent that it distorts everything around you (although i'm sure that's not the case here, as you really seem to be trying hard with your wife), as that can cause so much damage
i remember watching this TV program years back about Bon Jovi auditioning girls to be their tour assistant, and all these fangirls applied for the job... anyway, they narrowed it down to 2 girls, one was married with young kids, and the other was single, and in the final interview with the band, they asked the married one "what about your family? how will they handle you being away on tour with us?" and i was totally gobsmacked by her reply - she said "well you guys (Bon Jovi) have been in my life longer than any of them, so they will have to take a back seat/(or live with it - that kind of thing)" and i felt like smacking and shaking her and shouting "wake up you sad silly cow!!!"... needless to say she didn't get the job anyway! but what an awful attitude!
obviously from your posts you don't seem like that at all, but i guess there are some people who take fandom to the extreme like that, and i reckon that would really be hard for anyone to tolerate...
i remember watching this TV program years back about Bon Jovi auditioning girls to be their tour assistant, and all these fangirls applied for the job... anyway, they narrowed it down to 2 girls, one was married with young kids, and the other was single, and in the final interview with the band, they asked the married one "what about your family? how will they handle you being away on tour with us?" and i was totally gobsmacked by her reply - she said "well you guys (Bon Jovi) have been in my life longer than any of them, so they will have to take a back seat/(or live with it - that kind of thing)" and i felt like smacking and shaking her and shouting "wake up you sad silly cow!!!"... needless to say she didn't get the job anyway! but what an awful attitude!
obviously from your posts you don't seem like that at all, but i guess there are some people who take fandom to the extreme like that, and i reckon that would really be hard for anyone to tolerate...
gman
New Yorker
^ Yup....i think the very fact that moog has been on her seeking advice clearly shows he cares about his relationship. I hope he sees that the vast majority of replies have been in his favour, so hopefully it will help him see he has no case to answer 
vlasak
Acrobat
Where's your sense of humor?
vlasak
Acrobat
I think Gman hit it straight on.
Jeannieco
Rock n' Roll Doggie Band-aid
Awww Mellow...
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel guilty. I was just envious that you got to see so many shows already. More power to you!Hope you can resolve this with your wife....
I couldn't give up my U2 passion, it's like part of our being...once they touch your spirit there's no going back right?
Idea: Maybe show your wife the article I posted in the Fan Experience/tour thread about the little boy that was battling cancer and gave up the money he was awarded by the Make a Wish foundation, to donate the funds instead to the ONE campaign because he said U2's music saved his life and stopped him from suicide. Very powerful.. great article...
http://www.u2interference.com/forum...treatment-this-is-a-great-article-201733.html
Galeongirl
Galeonbroad
mellow moog
War Child
Awww Mellow...
Hope you can resolve this with your wife....
I couldn't give up my U2 passion, it's like part of our being...once they touch your spirit there's no going back right?
Idea: Maybe show your wife the article I posted in the Fan Experience/tour thread about the little boy that was battling cancer and gave up the money he was awarded by the Make a Wish foundation, to donate the funds instead to the ONE campaign because he said U2's music saved his life and stopped him from suicide. Very powerful.. great article...
http://www.u2interference.com/forum...treatment-this-is-a-great-article-201733.html
Thanks again for the all the kind words from everybody here. I really do appreciate everyone's input and I would agree with most of them as I have tried almost everything suggested here.
Well it came to a head today.
I got very emotional today about my mother. I was reading about someone else whose mother was also taken by cancer and it deeply resonated with me. While we were having lunch,and during our discussion about how we both still have a huge void when my mother left,l I just came out with it and told my wife that "You do realize I love you with all my heart right??". She said "Yes, why?" and I told here that she was ripping me apart with her attitude towards my love for U2. "They have been part of my life for a long time and have helped through some incredibly tough times in my life" (just like the boy you mentioned here who really is inspirational).
I told her to please read CathalMc's book ("Me & U2") as it might help her understand in some way how powerful that special bond is between U2 and their fans. I advise everyone to read the book. It's not my life story but definitely has a lot of similarities, especially the embarrassment of admitting to your cool indie friends that you are a "U2 Heed"!!!
She put her hand in front to stop the conversation and didn't want to hear anymore. She then said in a very matter of fact and disinterested way that "go to your concerts then but I won't be going anywhere". "You are talking next year right?!!!!" she then uttered immediately after to which I replied yes.
So if I do go anywhere next year, I'm still in trouble as I can tell by her attitude. She just refuses to understand and says she cannot understand this and will never understand why I do this. If only she would read that book.
bonoschild2009
War Child
There can be too much of anything- I am lucky to have a wife who tolerates the U2 madness every four years or so whenever they release an album and tour. Sure, if I were glued to Interference 12 hours a day or wanting to cause bankruptcy and go to like 5 shows we might have issues, but just like everything else- do it in moderation. She has her interests and I give her full freedom (within reason) to pursue them, just as I do...I guess some people/spouses are more understanding and tolerant than others...
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uh i have one, this just seemed like a bit of a serious thread, not one to crack jokes in.
mellow moog
War Child
uh i have one, this just seemed like a bit of a serious thread, not one to crack jokes in.
Hey. I believe in The Divine Comedy. Some of the greatest humour comes from a very dark place!!!!!
Thanks for being considerate though.
corianderstem
Blue Crack Distributor
If only she would read that book.
I don't think her reading Cathal's book - or any U2 book - would make her "see the light."
It's not U2 that she has a problem with - from the very little we know about your relationship, it sounds like her problem is that she doesn't like you having a hobby you are passionate about.
weinerdog
War Child
EXACTLY. This has nothing to do with the band, and no book about it will get her to understand. From everything you've said(and I know it's only one side), you're more than reasonable about going to see them every 4-5 years, even if it's for multiple shows. Substitute another band or hobby, or anything that takes time away from her, and I'll bet you still get the emotional blackmail and attempts at controlling behavior via passive aggressiveness, which is what this sounds like. From what you say, you sound more than accommodating and understanding, and it's gotten you nowhere.
I sort of have the opposite situation with my wife. She isn't into concerts, except for U2, but she lets me go to whatever shows I want. I've gone out of state for weekend music festivals, and she simply tells me to 'have fun'. We make time for vacations together of course, but we recognize our differences and allow the other their space when needed. As was said by someone else, if she saw how happy it makes you she'd be encouraging you to go, instead of causing you so much stress. You've bent over backwards to make time for both of you from the sounds of it.
I really hope you can work it out, but from what you say I think the problem is entirely hers. Not going to the shows will solve nothing, because there seems to be a much bigger issue going on that will come up sooner than later.
wendynz
War Child
Mellow moog maybe you and I should be married to each other. My husband thinks I am too fanatical about U2 however he likes U2 but thinks attending one concert per tour is all that is necessary, any thing more is an overkill. I went to both Vertigo concerts here in Auckland but I attended one by myself and felt really guilty attending it (but I had a wonderful time by myself). In Milan (we had planned to go to Italy and it just so happened that it coincided with the tour) we both went to the first concert but there was no way I was allowed to attend the second one and we went to the first one when my husband was ready to go. We have been married 23 years and I think you have to compromise. I don't mention anything to do with U2 around him and I don't turn up the radio too much when U2 are on. Probelm is that if U2 come down here for a tour next year I would love to go to some Aussie concerts but I don't know if I can as I think he would be too pissed off - to compromise I may have to just go to the ones here in New Zealand. It is actually good to hear that other people have the same probelms I am having.
BluRmGrl
Rock n' Roll Doggie ALL ACCESS
When Mr. Blu met me at 17yrs old, I was already well into my love affair with the band. He knew when he married me what he was getting. After being a casual fan for the first 13yrs we were married, he went to his 1st 2 shows in '05 (NY and Charlotte) and this year we're spending the money to see three shows together - all of which require travel, because we don't live in a major market. Funniest/best part for me? He's almost as excited about it as I am. 
I'm lucky. 
My point is this, moog: you've stated that your wife knew how you felt on the subject of U2 when she married you. I can understand that maybe she hates Bono's politics, or she blames them for a lingering health problem (which is completely irrational, but that's another thread
) or she just can't stand their music. But if she demands you give up a passion that doesn't harm you or anyone else physically, financially, or emotionally - what's next? You spend too much time with your family & should stop going to see them so often? Your friends take up too much of your attention & you need to stop wasting your life on them?
It seems to me she thinks that if you didn't spend so much attention to U2, you would focus on her more - which would make her feel better about herself. Bottom line is this: only she is capable of improving her self esteem, no one else. And if you let her or anyone else stop you from doing what you really love when you've made sure all your other committments & responsbilities are met, how is that (in the long run) going to make YOU feel? You'll end up bitter and angry - which is no way to live.
My husband is the main focus of my life, but he isn't my entire life. I don't mean that to sound cruel, I just have interests that don't involve him & I don't believe that's a bad thing (he's got some of his own). I got married to have a partner that loves & supports me, as I love & support him - not so that either of us would have someone we could disappear into.
Don't throw away who you are. I wish you all the best.
I'm lucky. My point is this, moog: you've stated that your wife knew how you felt on the subject of U2 when she married you. I can understand that maybe she hates Bono's politics, or she blames them for a lingering health problem (which is completely irrational, but that's another thread
) or she just can't stand their music. But if she demands you give up a passion that doesn't harm you or anyone else physically, financially, or emotionally - what's next? You spend too much time with your family & should stop going to see them so often? Your friends take up too much of your attention & you need to stop wasting your life on them? It seems to me she thinks that if you didn't spend so much attention to U2, you would focus on her more - which would make her feel better about herself. Bottom line is this: only she is capable of improving her self esteem, no one else. And if you let her or anyone else stop you from doing what you really love when you've made sure all your other committments & responsbilities are met, how is that (in the long run) going to make YOU feel? You'll end up bitter and angry - which is no way to live.
My husband is the main focus of my life, but he isn't my entire life. I don't mean that to sound cruel, I just have interests that don't involve him & I don't believe that's a bad thing (he's got some of his own). I got married to have a partner that loves & supports me, as I love & support him - not so that either of us would have someone we could disappear into.
Don't throw away who you are. I wish you all the best.
gman
New Yorker
Mellow Moog.....this thread has been answered by Males AND Females. I havent really seen one serious post that is biased towards u2. All I have seen is well balanced unbiased opinions with a recurring theme. And that theme is, that we believe your wife is out of line with her efforts to control you. Its not even a close run thing. I am off the belief that you need a passion in life, and its not like you are leaving her in everynight of the week to go down the pub. I think she sees you as an object, and not a free willed individual. Please realise, you are not doing anything wrong and i hope you master the art of being able to continue to persue your interest, without feeling any guilt
mama cass
Rock n' Roll Doggie VIP PASS
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i think Mellow Moog should perhaps seek more objective help if he thinks there's a real problem in his marriage, U2-related or not...
i mean, this is a U2 fansite, and most people here are bound to take his side really and shout his wife down...
if you really think there is a problem MM, how about going to talk to a counsellor or something?? to get a truly objective perspective?
i'm really sorry to hear about your loss MM - i too lost my mother to cancer when she was still very young... but i have to say, really, it was my husband and my friends who got me thru the darkest part of my life... i couldn't listen to any music whatsover for a few years after that as i guess music just sparks so many emotions and feelings, and i was just trying so hard to keep myself together emotionally for various reasons... but then a few years later when ATYCLB came out, i started listening again, and some of those songs really touched me, and i could relate so much, and i do think it's pretty special when there is that moment of recognition and relating in a song... but, in my experience, it was my husband who held onto me tightly, my newborn baby who brought me so much joy in a dark time, and my friends at the end of the phone or at the end of a hug, that got me thru... it was those concrete things, and the music was just an extra help...
perhaps your wife is feeling a little resentful of you saying how U2's music has helped you so much in the difficult times in your life... maybe she feels you think they helped you more than she has? i dunno...
just thinking out loud and trying to see both sides here... i just feel life is bigger than a band's music that's all, and i don't think it's worth jeopardising your marriage over if you truly love each other... that's why i think counselling could be good because maybe then you could identify whether it really is your U2 fandom that is the problem, or whether your wife is just a control freak or something...
i mean, this is a U2 fansite, and most people here are bound to take his side really and shout his wife down...
if you really think there is a problem MM, how about going to talk to a counsellor or something?? to get a truly objective perspective?
i'm really sorry to hear about your loss MM - i too lost my mother to cancer when she was still very young... but i have to say, really, it was my husband and my friends who got me thru the darkest part of my life... i couldn't listen to any music whatsover for a few years after that as i guess music just sparks so many emotions and feelings, and i was just trying so hard to keep myself together emotionally for various reasons... but then a few years later when ATYCLB came out, i started listening again, and some of those songs really touched me, and i could relate so much, and i do think it's pretty special when there is that moment of recognition and relating in a song... but, in my experience, it was my husband who held onto me tightly, my newborn baby who brought me so much joy in a dark time, and my friends at the end of the phone or at the end of a hug, that got me thru... it was those concrete things, and the music was just an extra help...
perhaps your wife is feeling a little resentful of you saying how U2's music has helped you so much in the difficult times in your life... maybe she feels you think they helped you more than she has? i dunno...
just thinking out loud and trying to see both sides here... i just feel life is bigger than a band's music that's all, and i don't think it's worth jeopardising your marriage over if you truly love each other... that's why i think counselling could be good because maybe then you could identify whether it really is your U2 fandom that is the problem, or whether your wife is just a control freak or something...
last unicorn
Blue Crack Addict
Councelling is definitely a good idea. No offence please, but I think the problem goes deeper, it isn't just about your love for U2. This is only the symptom, not the cause. I wish you all the best.
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