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Old 08-13-2008, 10:13 PM   #401
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Old 08-13-2008, 10:15 PM   #402
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pfan

Bitch Tits

Just south of South Street, only meters from the old Vet, pfan giggles maniacally as he stares up to the clouds where the douche bag signal calls for his former ally.

"UYMFA UYMFA
Days gone bad
UYMFA UYFMA
Gone are the days we rocked this land.
UYMFA UYFMA
Never forget
UYMFA UYMFA
You know that I - "

"NEVER HAD!"

"Ahh...well now, if it isn't Bitch Tits. Why so - "

"Shut up, pfan. Do I think I have forgotten what the douche signal can do? Have you?"

"no no no no no no. Do you think I am some sort of knave, my friend? Do you not recall - "

"1983?"

"CURSE YOU! CURSE YOU, BITCH TITS! Or shall I call you N-"

"There is no need to utter such letters. Those days have past. A new order has arisen. This is not 1983, nor Winter 2007. Let the past be past."

"oh no no no no no noNSW. This IS 1983. The Sixers are going to sweep the lakers, and I SHALL TRIUMPH!!!! E-A-G-L-E-S! GO FLYERS GO FLYERS GO FLYERS GO!!! A HA HA HA!"

"You've gone mad, man. 25 years without a championship. Aye, a lifetime plus for you. It is sad, but you cannot take your anger out upon Interland. It is not right."

"Oooohhhhh, but it is RITE! M I RITE?"

"No, you are - "

"Have you even checked the NL East standings? WHO IS ON TOP? A HA HA HA HA HA!!!!"

"Indeed, I have. But I know this: It is only a matter of time before they choke."

"A HA HA HA HA. NO NO NO My man-breasted friend. Not this year. THIS IS OUR YEAR!!!"

"How many times do you think the Bea-Vah uttered those words as a Red Sox fan? 5-10-20?"

"DO NOT SPEAK HIS NAME!!!"

"The answer, my former apprentice, is 30."

"YOU SHALL NOT REIGN ON MY VICTORY PARADE! Take this - "

pfan calls to the god of demise and Vengence and hurls failure towards Bitch Tits. But Bitch Tits is unmoved. He catches the spell and allows to course into his body. "2008 NY Giants. 1986 Mets, 1987 Giants. 1994 Rangers. 1983 and 1984 Islanders, not counting the two previous. The Yankees...only the gods can count them since 1983, at least, liek two. Shall I continue?"

"DIE, Bitch Tits! DIEEEEE!"

"No. It will take much more than that. All your signal has done is alerted the El_Fa, and he, my little friend, has been waiting since 1967. Do you think you can usurp him?"

"IT'S NOT FAIR. We deserve victory."

"Ahhh....yes. There's the rub. You do deserve Victory....but victory as defined by your terms, pfan. Why let EL_FA and the Bea_Vah define victory. Why do not WE choose who is champion?"

"Are you proposing....an alliance?"

"Yes."

"But NY and Philly....it cannot be. The mods won't allow such an arrangement."

"Ahhh....but who are the mods? Sicy? She is in Cali, clearly these matters are not of her domain? Khamisioner Rhodes? She cares little of such arrangements. Bonochick? Please. You and I, pfan. We can take UYMFA to new heights. Heights of all manner of cups and trophies and pennants. We can do this! TOGETHER!"

"We can overcome the El_Fa and The Bea_Vah? This is your proposal?"

"Aye....and the others. Together we can rule UYMFA! Fear will hold UYMFA in line! FEAR OF OUR POSTING PROWESS!"

"Ahhh....Bitch Tits....you truly are wise. But not wise enough, my friend. You see, I lured you here. The Douche Bag symbol works many ways. It calls all Douche Bags, of which clearly you were a god amongst men."

"Indeed....I was a douche bag....but I am unable to type g-d."

"And that, my friend, is the rub. When last we met, I was but a learner. Now I am the master."

"Only the master of UYMFA, pfan."

"Exactly. Join me. We will rule UYMFA. I AM YOUR FATHER, NSW!"

"No....no your not."

"OK, I'm not. But still....we can bring UYMFA back, and then destroy it."

"An Interland in chaos? Is this what you propose?"

"YES! Free from the El_Fa and the Bea_Vah. Free from the YLB and LM. Free from the horny dog, free from the bunny from the nee redhotswami. Free, my friend, from all of them."

"This is madness.....and I am intrigued."

"I'm smart. Not like everyone says. I'm smaht."

"Indeed. So say we all."

"Yes, so say we all."
G-d bless this fracking thread.
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Old 08-13-2008, 10:16 PM   #403
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I am voting for Beav for President in November.
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Old 08-13-2008, 10:36 PM   #404
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Unico

LemonMacphisto and the Mothership

The beat is bouncing in upstate New York. The Canadian border grooves to the beat. Unico has the funk turned up to 11. Suddenly, she catches out of the corner of her the Douche Signal and slows the beat to 9.9999999999999999 . "Shiiiiiiiiiiit. Tonight of all nights that crazy ass fool needs to light that damn light? Son of a bitch. I'M FUNKING HERE, BIATCH!"

A second light flies in from the South. "Oh snap. Is that .... shit. It is. Hey, MOTHERSHIP, YOU CAN'T STOP ME THIS TIME, YOU KNOW?.... GROOVE IS IN THE HEART!"

Unico pushes the funk to 12 and the NY/Canada border shakes like that bridge in those old San Francisco earthquake photos. A voice calls down, "IS THERE FUNK AFTER DEATH?"

Unico ignores it, pushes the funk to 15.

"IS THERE FUNK AFTER DEATH?" calls down the Mothership.

"Goddamn," mutters Unico. "IS SEVEN UP?"

The Mothership sets down next to her. LemonMac appears on the ramp. "Hey, you are needed."

"HEY! YO! HELLLLLLZ NO!"

"Yes, there is a gathering taking place. The UYMFA GANG is coming together."

"Oh, that? Well let me tell you something, LemonMac - IF YOU'RE HEARING SOME NOISE IT'S JUST ME AND THE BOYS! HIT ME!"

"You gotta HIT THE BAND!"

Silence.

The funk stops.

Unico stands still for the first time in ages.

She stares at the Mothership and at LemonMan, now fully down the ramp and within an arms length of her.

"Serisouly?" she asks?

"For rizzle."

"Shit....you crazy ass cracker ass ain't fucking with my shit, right? Is this cause I turned it up to 11? You know I rock out when that shit hits 11, right?"

"Yes. I know. And I come here only because I need to. Believe me, Funk Queen Unico, I would rather not be here. But these times call for such measures."

"Yeah....I saw the signal. Is it....true?"

"It's worse than true. NSW has returned, and teamed with Pfan. The El_Fa, he can not do it alone."

"Shit....pfan and NSW? That's some main ingredient right there."

"It is. Join us. It is the only way to overcome the abomination of what was once UYMFA."

"Shiiiiiit. I'll tell you what, I'm gonna find me some NSW and I'm going to do it to him in 3D, right in his earhole."

"Yes, that is the only way. And it must be done before 2012."

"2012....huh?"

"That is the date the Maya calendar ends."

"Huh?"

"Maya....the calender. That's yours, right?"

"Bitch, STFU and get the fuck back in your ship before I wreck your shit."

"Huh?"

"ME-UH, mother fucker. MEEE-UHHH!"

"Oh...my bad....well, that's good. Maybe 2012 isn't the cut off then. But whatever, it should be quick."

"How do I know you ain't gonna try to de-funk my moves with that goddamn Michael Bolton shit again?"

"I can only give you my word....and control of the radio." LemonMac hands the HD Radio to Unico. She takes it, puts it POWER ONE OH SHIIIIIIT and boards the mothership.
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Old 08-13-2008, 10:38 PM   #405
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Old 08-13-2008, 10:44 PM   #406
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This is better than Marvel bringing the Avengers together on the big screen.
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Old 08-13-2008, 11:04 PM   #407
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Reggie the Dog

Dalton

That town where they make all the porn in California:

Reggie the Dog, director extradionarie is directing his magnus opus, the file he believes will win him his record 29th Woody and secure his name amongst the legends of pr0n: DALTON DOES EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING 27. His star of the previous 26 installments, however, has a different idea of how a particular scene should be shot.

"Look, Reg, we've made a lot of moves these past 3 months - 34 if my count is correct, and I am telling you - my character would NEVER mount this chick like that. A Roman War Helmet into a Dirty Sanchez? If just doesn't work."

"Dalton, listen, it's perfect. Look - you've been fixing her cable for 20 minutes. You're tired. You're stressed. What does a man do when stressed? BAM - Roman War Helmet."

"OK - that's true. That's an inexperienced man would do - but this is my 415th cable fixing scene. My character wants the Pillow Braid. And then, naturally, he's going to want a Finger Jive, followed by a Backdoor Rev, THEN the Roman War Helmet."

"Dalton - no, he's too tired for a Pillow Braid. Looks, he's fed up with his job. Same shitm day in day out. MAYBE he'd want a Cattle Brand into a Roman War Helmet, but a Pillow Braid?"

"Yes - I'm telling you, he wants a Pillow Braid into a - "

"No - you know what? YOU want a Pillow Braid. You're not in character. You're losing focus. Next you're going to be demanding Egg Goggles."

"HOW DARE YOU? Are you calling me unprofesssional? What's next, a DP with a mule? I've about had it with you. Why not go back to making videos of washed up 80s porn stars and waterfalls, you goddamn hack."

"HEY! You get off my set, you sonofabitch. I've about had it with you and your goddamn atti-"

At that moment the Mothership hovers overhead. LemonMac and Unico put on Chocolate City, causing Dalton to go ape shit on a pommel horse and Reg has no choice put to show the 50mm HD Camera who is really in charge. LemonMac calls down from the PA - "You two, get dressed. You're needed elsewhere."

Dalton responds, "I'm not going back to Cheticamp. That place blew.......and not in any kind of good way."

Reg retorts, "Like you'd know good if you blew you in the - "

"Enough," called Unico, "We ain't got time for your shit. It's gettin', it's gettin', it's gettin' kind of hectic."

Reg looks up and asks, "World Destruction?"

To which Unico replies, "Your life ain't nothing."

Reg sheds a single tear, packs up his camera and boards the Mothership where he promptly slaps Unico's ass. Unico boogies like a mother fucker and waits for Dalton.

"Hey....what's going on?" he asks.

"UP YOUR MOTHER FUCKING ASS!" calls LemonMac.

"Oh, I can dig it,"replies Dalton as he climbs on board.
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Old 08-13-2008, 11:21 PM   #408
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Old 08-13-2008, 11:30 PM   #409
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Man, I'm not sure P-Fan and I can handle this group on our own. I'm riveted, though.
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Old 08-13-2008, 11:39 PM   #410
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this is getting exciting
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Old 08-13-2008, 11:47 PM   #411
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Man, I'm not sure P-Fan and I can handle this group on our own. I'm riveted, though.
We are the UYMFA Gang, Bitch Tits. You and me. Me and you. SEPTA. The Patrons of POWERJUICE. Who can stop us?

Quote:
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Bonochick? Please.
YLB? He's a fucking little bastard. One of us says something about his Lady Friend, and he'll be off crying to his mama. He don't know the funk. He ain't Old Gregg. Last I checked, the Funk LEFT the fucking mothership. In 1979, no less! Way before 2012 and the end of the Maya calendar.

We win.
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Old 08-14-2008, 12:13 AM   #412
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We are the UYMFA Gang, Bitch Tits. You and me. Me and you. SEPTA. The Patrons of POWERJUICE. Who can stop us?



YLB? He's a fucking little bastard. One of us says something about his Lady Friend, and he'll be off crying to his mama. He don't know the funk. He ain't Old Gregg. Last I checked, the Funk LEFT the fucking mothership. In 1979, no less! Way before 2012 and the end of the Maya calendar.

We win.
I hope you're right. They have Maya and Dalton. So far; more could be coming.

SEPTA could play a role here.
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Old 08-14-2008, 12:19 AM   #413
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I hope you're right. They have Maya and Dalton. So far; more could be coming.

SEPTA could play a role here.
I don't fear Dalton. Maya is a wild card, but at least we know she's a wild card.
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Old 08-14-2008, 12:21 AM   #414
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Originally Posted by phillyfan26 View Post
We are the UYMFA Gang, Bitch Tits. You and me. Me and you. SEPTA. The Patrons of POWERJUICE. Who can stop us?



YLB? He's a fucking little bastard. One of us says something about his Lady Friend, and he'll be off crying to his mama. He don't know the funk. He ain't Old Gregg. Last I checked, the Funk LEFT the fucking mothership. In 1979, no less! Way before 2012 and the end of the Maya calendar.

We win.
Too bad I've mastered the art of time travel. Go and watch one of Reg's old porn tapes. The guy who was the second extra in the Diggler movie? Me.
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Old 08-14-2008, 12:22 AM   #415
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I've seen them all. Some Drive-In Saturday or something. Regg is a friend, had to do it. No more, though. He's the enemy. You are the enemy.

You know what? Fuck you, enemy.
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Old 08-14-2008, 12:24 AM   #416
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Eat something and shut the fuck up. Whiny ass cracker... you probably have The Beetus.

This is the motherfucking Watchmen of Interference right here.
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Old 08-14-2008, 12:26 AM   #417
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Eat something and shut the fuck up. Whiny ass cracker... you probably have The Beetus.

This is the motherfucking Watchmen of Interference right here.
You'll be the first to die, FYI. Whatever happens after that, happens, but you go down, Orlando.
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Old 08-14-2008, 12:28 AM   #418
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You'll be the first to die, FYI. Whatever happens after that, happens, but you go down, Orlando.
If I go down, I will go down in a blaze of glory. If not, I better get a kickass funeral.
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Old 08-14-2008, 12:29 AM   #419
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Florida sticks out like a sore thumb. Plus, YLB's got the obvious weakness of the bunch. Of course he's first to die.

The real question is, who'll be the last to die for a mistake?

(Probably El_Fa, since this is all a lead up to invading Canadia.)
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Old 08-14-2008, 12:29 AM   #420
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If I go down, I will go down in a blaze of glory. If not, I better get a kickass funeral.
Damn you, Roger! Damn it! Damn you!
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