Would you be mad if you caught your lover looking at porn?

[Doozer61]

Angela, not corn....PORN!

 

[Angela Harlem]

haha that would make the worst spoonerism.

 

[ShellBeThere]

I'm dealing with having had my email read by my spouse, and his being pissed off about what he learned about thoughts that I shared in some emails to a girlfriend about another guy...now *there's* a trust issue for ya!
What trumps what there?
He checked my email, just because he could (he knew the password; that's no longer the case) and he liked to check to see if I had read his emails to me sometimes (never knew about that practice til now). He saw an email to a friend who'd moved away, thought oh, that's interesting, and read it. Found out stuff he wasn't happy about (all thoughts, and relationship issues, the way girlfriends talk sometimes ya know), read *more* letters, finally stopped himself. Wouldn't talk to me for a week (things were already quite charged interpersonally) because he was so mad about these feelings I had about someone else, and that I shared intimate details about our troubled relationship with this friend.

Oh, and I think looking at porn is totally a private issue. If I truly 'caught' my lover looking at it...like I walked in and there he was checking out hustler or whatever...I might critique it, and voice my preference that he say use the victoria's secret catalog and his imagination for maintenance purposes. But checking histories on the computer? ew; I'd be left with serious trust issues. I feel like crap feeling like I need to close my email windows when I step away from the computer. Why would I think he's not going to check my mail again?
Couples therapy is a good idea though, surely! Gotta figure out ways to deal with all that, and communication is so important.
I just don't have time for it right now, and I've done it before and am not sure it would help with some of the issues that have come up since....

Good luck with it !

 

[U2Girl416]

this topic has come up in my relationship many times and fortunately we seemed to have resolved it and worked past it. And for me it is a sensitive issue and I don't like having porn in my home. It raises too many body image expectations. For me it was due to my childhood and that is all I will say regarding that, but my feeling is, if my fiance wants to look at that stuff, I wouldn't be so upset if he were looking at it with me. to me, that's more of a turn on. sharing that stuff together. I think it helps with intimacy in general. But stumbling across it like she did (I know many of you say snooping), I can see why she was upset. If you see a huge list of sites visited, sure that's gonna make her think that that is the first thing you do if you're not together, which could lead to her thinking that she doesn't do enough for you...etc. I think couples therapy is a good thing to help you two through this. Good luck!

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

Maybe she should put out more
No offence....but seriously, it'll help.

Yeah, cause all male behavior is a woman's fault. Are you "joking" and/or intentionally trolling again?

That's bs- real men take responsibility for their own actions and for their relationships when they love someone and take positive action to resolve issues in their relationship, like he did.

 

[Liesje]

^ That, and a lot of people don't look at porn because they're not getting any or are sexually frustrated. Many couples watch porn together and get plenty of action, sometimes more. It's just another thing to do, it doesn't have mean something is lacking (though it can if one becomes addicted). I watch crime dramas and I've no intention of committing crimes or being a policewoman. I read classic lit and I've no desire to live in the 1800s. They're all just forms of entertainment.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

Good point Liesje

I just resent that sexist attitude, that men have to look at porn because their gf's, wives, aren't giving them enough sex. Dr. Laura revisited. A guy could be having sex with them numerous times a day and still want to look at porn, as you said.

I wonder what women do if men aren't "putting out" enough What if a female started this same thread here, would there be any replies of "he should just put out more, it'll help"?

 

[Liesje]

Good point Liesje

I just resent that sexist attitude, that men have to look at porn because their gf's, wives, aren't giving them enough sex. Dr. Laura revisited. A guy could be having sex with them numerous times a day and still want to look at porn, as you said.

Yeah, most times I know of guys looking at porn, it's just because they like to look at porn every once in a while, no biggie. They still have girlfriends/wives/hookups and don't complain about not getting enough. The attitude that guys look at porn because they are driven to it really speaks worse about the guys than the women, IMO.

 

[ShellBeThere]

but seriously boys...
most of the time the porn you're looking at while on the computer or in the bedroom or the bathroom is just to wank to, no?

I mean, I presume the practices of men looking at porn are quite varied, but my not-too-informed guess is that it's often something to look at for creating some sexual energy while masturbating and has less to do with bodyimage comparisons or thoughts about what you're getting from your lover than it does with what-will-get-this-maintenance thing done in good happy form?
I bet men just wank more than women, on average.
And are more 'visual' in their fantasizing necessary for a good session...
Oh yeah and think about sex more often than women, so it's not that their lovers aren't giving enough, it just comes into their minds more often on average than for women.
my two cents at quarter to two...
i hate dr. laura, do we have to call her dr, she's only a PhD right?

cheers everyone!

 

[A_Wanderer]

In all the airbrushed images of surgically enhanced porn stars one would be hard pressed to find an excellent beauty.

 

[Irvine511]

In all the airbrushed images of surgically enhanced porn stars one would be hard pressed to find an excellent beauty.

there's this thing called X-Tube ...

 

[A_Wanderer]

Pfft, i'll just research the old fashioned way google

"+Amateur + Brunette +Slight + Glasses"

 

[redkat]

there's this thing called X-Tube ...

You made me look

now i gotta clear my history

 

[Irvine511]

Pfft, i'll just research the old fashioned way google

"+Amateur + Brunette +Slight + Glasses"

Ugly Betty?

 

[Irvine511]

You made me look

now i gotta clear my history

sorry.

though i suppose my overall point is that i think porn can get silly. well, okay, it IS really silly, and filled with people who are almost cartoonish in their appearance, all airbrushed and chiseled and enormously endowed and whatever. sure, it can be visually pleasing, for a bit, but what i find far more interesting are photos -- nude or not, porno or not -- of real people who happen to be good looking, well built, or whatever, but not unattainable. it's their flaws, their nuances, that make them so alluring.

it's the attainability that makes them so attractive, as opposed to the squeezed-out-of-a-tube quality of so much pornography which is all very Attack of the Clones.

 

[Vincent Vega]

Alicia Silverstone



oh, attainable

 

[joyfulgirl]

sorry.

though i suppose my overall point is that i think porn can get silly. well, okay, it IS really silly, and filled with people who are almost cartoonish in their appearance, all airbrushed and chiseled and enormously endowed and whatever. sure, it can be visually pleasing, for a bit, but what i find far more interesting are photos -- nude or not, porno or not -- of real people who happen to be good looking, well built, or whatever, but not unattainable. it's their flaws, their nuances, that make them so alluring.

it's the attainability that makes them so attractive, as opposed to the squeezed-out-of-a-tube quality of so much pornography which is all very Attack of the Clones.

I agree, which is partly why I think it's odd that some people who are bothered by their spouse looking at porn would prefer they "use their imagination" instead... which could mean that instead of fantasizing about some cartoon-like, unattainable, anonymous person in a magazine they might instead be using their imagination... which just might happen to have your attainable best friend in it, for example, LOL...

 

[MrPryck2U]

Right, but your imagination doesn't leave any visible evidence.

 

[joyfulgirl]

Smart women give magazine gift certificates for Valentine's Day...the gift that keeps on giving AND keeps their best friends out of their man's head.

 

[A_Wanderer]

Ugly Betty?

I don't get your crazy cultural references - but slender can be attractive.

I think that you raise a damn fine point later on that echoes the notion that Francis Bacon held about beauty. And I can think of at least one photographer (incidently a woman) with basically the same ethos; but then that would mean that terminology is crazy and we are distinguishing between porn and erotica.

 

[A_Wanderer]

Case in point Alexandra Kosteniuk - but we should probably bring it back to the porn.

 

[ShellBeThere]

The thing about porn, to the degree that I've looked at any which isn't much, is that the sexuality there never seems real, even if it's 'amateur' and the people involved aren't airbrushed. Maybe because it's posed, it always seems so utterly unsexy to me. Ooh, look what I'm licking, ooh, look at what my face would look like if I were really experiencing an ecstatic moment but I'm not I'm pretending for you. Maybe there's some 'value' to the 'modeling' as it were, as in hey that's an idea, but it doesn't have any deep appeal to me and is a little 'icky'feeling to me almost all the time. Does that mean I'm prudish?

Was it in Al Franken's "Lies and the Lying Liars..." book where he marvels at his favorite statistic, which was something about how analysis of movies paid-for-per-view at hotels indicated that it is the porn that's most requested, and that the average length of viewing time is like 12 minutes.
That seems like merely "titillation" to me lol...
Erotica has something else going on...

I find there's a lot of sexy stuff in regular movies, where there's some *context* to the sexuality, something that motivates it beyond the bloodrush. Otherwise it all just seems "stupid" somehow.

But back to the issue at hand (ha!), I don't think I'd be disturbed if my lover were looking at porn merely for wanking purposes, though I'd take issue with his aesthetic preferences maybe...
I think I'd get concerned if he were looking at it before having sex with me though!
And I wouldn't care if the best friend were part of the imaginings I don't think, but oddly maybe I would be upset if a photo of said friend were being 'used'. Why is that I wonder?!

That reminds me of the episode of Larry David Show where the agent character mentions to Larry that Larry's wife had flashed in his mind while he was wanking, as part of the cast of fantasy imaginings, and he thought Larry would be 'flattered', that his wife was 'hot' enough to make it in there, but Larry's response was "No, take her out of there. I don't want her part of that thank you and I don't want to hear about that!.

cheers...

 

[MrPryck2U]

Well, I think it's really simple: Some people just want to get off. If one is watching a porn movie for more than 10 minutes, there's a problem. Nobody who's watching a porn movie, really gives a shit about whether or not the acting is good. Amateur porn is better than the high end shit.

 

[Irvine511]

I don't get your crazy cultural references - but slender can be attractive.

I think that you raise a damn fine point later on that echoes the notion that Francis Bacon held about beauty. And I can think of at least one photographer (incidently a woman) with basically the same ethos; but then that would mean that terminology is crazy and we are distinguishing between porn and erotica.

"Ugly Betty" is a very popular new TV show in the States -- sort of a knock-off of "Devil Wears Prada" -- and it stars a non-stereotypical female character (read: Latino, glasses, awkward, not anorexic-looking) trying to make it in New York's fashion world. the actress's name is America Ferrara and she just won a golden globe.

and i think Salma Hyack shows up from time to time.

who's the female photographer?

 

[joyfulgirl]

Well, I think it's really simple: Some people just want to get off. If one is watching a porn movie for more than 10 minutes, there's a problem. Nobody who's watching a porn movie, really gives a shit about whether or not the acting is good. Amateur porn is better than the high end shit.

It's true. Women and men are just really different in how they are turned on sexually. I've giggled all through this thread reading the classic women's comments like "why can't they just use Victoria's Secret" or "but the acting is so bad." Women generally need some kind of emotional/romantic connection while men tend to be more visually stimulated. That's not to say that men aren't interested in an emotional/romantic connection either but not for the purposes of just getting off as part of maintenance, or whatever you want to call it.

And I've never heard of "Ugly Betty" either.

 

[Headache in a Suitcase]

there's this thing called X-Tube ...

i thought that was you...

 

[Irvine511]

i thought that was you...

and just why are you looking at AMATEUR GAY PORN!?!?!?!!

 

[Headache in a Suitcase]

ummmmmmm research?

 

[Night & Day]

Only found this today.

My first husband ( i was married at 18) looked at pornography, and it killed me.
Here i was a young, fairly attractive woman, and we hardly ever had sex, over the course of our 16 year marriage.
There were times that a whole year went by befeore we would be together but mostly it was 6-9 months.
I tried everything, i lost 130 lbs and got very toned,
i bought beautiful,sexy underthings, set up dates, dressed up as his fantasies,
short skirts and high heels... my hair was to my waist...
i had men falling all over me, begging for a date, but all i wanted was HIS attention.
Come to find out he was also going to prostitutes.
What that did to my self esteem, took many years to recover from.

But something changed in me with my second marriage,
i just didnt care anymore.
I decided i wasnt going to let it bother me, and i let it go.
I know i was attractive, i know i was taking care of my new husband in every sexual way possible,
i did things to that guy he didnt even dream existed.
I had no doubt he was sexually satisfied, none.
But i still bought him pornography magazines, subscribed to FHM, MAXIM & STUFF, bought video porn and left it all to his beck and call.
I knew he was going to use it, i knew he was going to play with himself no matter how much i pleased him.

Men just do, they just do.
There are times when a guy just needs to release.
Sometimes its just pent up energy and 3 minutes in lala land calms things a bit.
It doesnt mean a man doesnt love you or that he wishes you looked or acted like that...
God knows i read every book on the perfect head and hand job, bought the toys and the panties,
and STILL my ex-husband ignored me.

Porn doesnt ask you to take out the garbage, to change the baby's diaper, to mow the lawn or to take the car in for an oil change.
And it def. doesnt ask you to make her come.
( btw, i am well taken care of).
Its an escape, a brief escape that feels nice.
And i still buy stuff for my b.f.

I am secure enough in myself.

 

[joyfulgirl]

^