What's in a name??

[sulawesigirl4]

I'm curious to know people's thoughts/opinions on the subject of women changing their last name when they get married...Or not...Or hyphenating...Or what?

I was brought up in a very traditional home and belief system and it never occurred to me that when/if I ever married I would do anything but change my name to reflect my husband's. But now I'm not so sure. Although I can see why having the same last name is convenient, I don't know if I like the connotations of hierarchy and ownership that are unspoken. I am me, and I will continue to be ME no matter what. Why is it necessary to renounce part of my identity just because I happen to be a woman and for the man in the relationship not to do the same? I'm thinking out loud here and I don't mean to offend any women who have chosen to change their names, but I guess I'm just wondering about alternatives.

I like the Icelandic system of everyone having a unique last name based on their parents name. Ie. if my mother's name was Jane, my last name would be Janesdottir and if my father's name was John, my brother's last name would be Johnson.

Anyways, curious to know your thoughts...

-sula

 

[zonelistener]

I work with two men who have taken their spouses' names (hyphenated).

For example, the wife is Mary Johnson and he is Mike Smith, after marrying he is now Mike Johnson-Smith.

 

[sulawesigirl4]

Originally posted by zonelistener:
I work with two men who have taken their spouses' names (hyphenated).

For example, the wife is Mary Johnson and he is Mike Smith, after marrying he is now Mike Johnson-Smith.

That's exactly what I think I would prefer for myself. Both spouses changing their names and sharing a common one.

 

[foray]

Hyphenating the surnames is a great idea, only thing is it's a bit cumbersome. Also, you wouldn't want to hyphenate if your surnames were, oh I don't know, 'Frank' and 'Einstein'. I for one wouldn't mind taking up my husband's surname, I think I'd like the idea of being identified as such. Nothing to do with male chauvinistic ownership or anything.


me.

 

[melon]

Well, if I ever were in that situation we call "marriage," I wouldn't demand that my wife change her last name. It would most certainly be up to her, but I can guarantee I'd never change mine--hyphenation or whatever.

Melon

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"He had lived through an age when men and women with energy and ruthlessness but without much ability or persistence excelled. And even though most of them had gone under, their ignorance had confused Roy, making him wonder whether the things he had striven to learn, and thought of as 'culture,' were irrelevant. Everything was supposed to be the same: commercials, Beethoven's late quartets, pop records, shopfronts, Freud, multi-coloured hair. Greatness, comparison, value, depth: gone, gone, gone. Anything could give some pleasure; he saw that. But not everything provided the sustenance of a deeper understanding." - Hanif Kureishi, Love in a Blue Time

 

[missmacphisto]

Oh God, DO NOT get me started on amusing combinations of names!!!!
Jay Leno does that every monday night - pulls out clippings of newspaper announcements of the wedding of a couple of people with odd names. Its hysterical.

Seriously, I think I would change my name to reflect my husbands if i were to get married. Provided he has a nice name of course!

I dont feel its sexist at all.

Then again, i like the fact that i have an Irish last name, and if he's a different ethnicity...hmm. Oh well, maybe i'll just have to marry an Irish fella!

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Look...look what you've done to me...You've made me poor and infamous, and I thank you...

My name is MISS MACPHISTO...I'm tired and i want to go HOME...

"Well you tell...Bonovista,that i said hello and that my codename is Belleview" - Bono before opening night of Anaheim Elevation concert

Well tonight thank God it's them, instead of you...


[This message has been edited by Miss MacPhisto (edited 01-29-2002).]

 

[u2loopy]

Well, I'm actually looking forward to changing my name when I get married because I hate my last name!! (Sorry Dad!!)

My fiance thought that I wasn't going to change my name and he was almost exasperated!

He's not a chauvinist or anything, he just felt that me taking his last name would make him proud because I would be his wife completely? Maybe that is a chavinistic attitude but it makes me feel kinda giddy inside

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Work like you don't need to
Love like you've never been hurt
Dance like no one is watching

 

[joyfulgirl]

I probably would not change my name if I married unless I really loved my husband's name. Not planning on marriage, though.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

If I ever get married, I'll probably most likely take my husband's name. I see no problem with that at all.

 

[Anthony]

When I proposed to my girlfriend, it was agreed that I should take her name once we were married. It suited us fine, my surname is bloody awful.

Ant.

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

i wouldn't mind at all...all these stupid people mispronounce it anyway, which is dumb, it's like saying "smith" wrong...

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awaken all those whispers in the dusty shadow of a passing favour...
ME!

 

[Achtung Bubba]

Originally posted by zonelistener:
I work with two men who have taken their spouses' names (hyphenated).

For example, the wife is Mary Johnson and he is Mike Smith, after marrying he is now Mike Johnson-Smith.

Here's my problem with hypenating names - at least, doing so en masse.

Let's say the Johnson-Smith's have a child. For the sake of this example, let's say they have a daughter and name her Katie Johnson-Smith.

Let's suppose then, that the tradition of hypenating is very widespread, to the point that Katie falls in love with and marries a boy whose parents also hypenated their names, someone like Michael Jones-O'Brien.

Would she then become Katie Johnson-Smith-Jones-O'Brien?

And what if her children did the same thing, and so on? The result could be this: The Johnson-Smith's great grandchild could be christened James Johnson-Smith-Jones-O'Brien-Peterson-Whitaker-Jackson-McGuire.

And that's BEFORE James gets married and decides to further hyphenate his name.

Granted, this would be a great way to remember one's family tree, but there's a minor problem and a huge problem: the minor problem is that you could no longer use your mother's maiden name as a way to identify yourself to the bank, etc, since the name is part of your own name. The MAJOR problem is that a hyphenated name doubles with each marriage, reaching a length of 32 names after only 5 generations.

Simply, I don't think hyphenating is a good idea in the large scale. There should be exceptions, of course. Beyond the examples of really odd names (Donna Lee Donnelly, etc.), there's also the case where people's careers are based on name recognition - entertainment, for instance.

But if the majority started hyphenating their names, silliness would ensue.

So, the solution? One could combine the last names, but that doesn't seem to work: there's no good way to combine "Johnson" and "Smith." (Jith? Johnsith? Sminson?) And even if there was a good combination for this specific pair, there would be no general rule one could follow for all name pairs.

One could leave it up to the couple themselves to decide which single name to adopt, but that could lead to just as much strife, particularly if both really want to keep their name. Further, it would make geneology a bit more difficult than what really seems necessary.

Or, society could simply adopt ONE convention, that the husband takes the wife's name or vice versa. Either way, one gender might take offense, but if the culture is one of equal sexes, such a detail wouldn't matter. And if there is other instances of inequality in society, THOSE should be the focus of improvement rather than this minor detail.

Bottom line: there are exceptions, but hyphenating is not a good idea to apply to the majority of a culture. However flawed as our current system is or appears to be, it seems like any "solution" is certainly much more problematic.

It ain't broke. Don't try to fix it.

 

[Sicy]

I like my last name, its Italian and I dont want to lose it. And if I dont marry an Italian I would not feel comfortable changing my name. I guess that's selfish but I would choose to hyphenate.



[This message has been edited by Sicy (edited 01-29-2002).]

 

[U2Bama]

Originally posted by martha:
Remember, your last name now most likely reflects your father's family, and so on, all the way back.

Martha is thinking the same thing I was thinking; how far back do you go to take the matrilineal name? Is it wrong now for you to carry your father's name instead of your mother's name, and then her father's name instead of her mother's name, etc?

But whatever floates your boat.

~U2Alabama

 

[martha]

I took my husband's name when we got married twelve years ago. It wasn't because he wanted me to, or because I liked the name (it's very cumbersome and hard for people to pronounce). I think it's a nice tradition, if it's what the couple wants to do. I don't see it as a patriarchal thing, or even a sign of ownership, although that's how it started. Hyphenated names are a pain, especially for the kids when they start school; they WILL be called by whatever name is last in the hyphenated name.

Sula, don't think about it too much. Marry the right man, and you will NEVER have to worry about renouncing your wonderful identity, no matter if you change your name or not. Remember, your last name now most likely reflects your father's family, and so on, all the way back.

 

[spinninghead77]

I think that I am going to take my husbands name. Not because he is "the man" and I am "the woman", but just because I really like the idea of the family unit sharing a common last night, also, when we have kids I don't want there to be any confusion. I do like the idea of hypenating the two last names, but I hate the idea of having a hypehated name.

In most situations I am non-traditional, but this is a nice tradition that I am choosing to carry on.

 

[spinninghead77]

My aunt's name growing up was Donna Lee Mitchell. She marryed a guy named Donnelly. Her name is now Donna Lee Donnelly.

My sisters name is Karen. Her boyfriends last name is Baren. Which would make her Karen Baren if they ever got married.

In cases like this you should keep your last name, or at least hyphenate!!

 

[melon]

Which reminds me...

There is a woman in my town whose first name is "Gay." She married a man with the last name of "Dick." She took his last name. You do the math.

Melon

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"He had lived through an age when men and women with energy and ruthlessness but without much ability or persistence excelled. And even though most of them had gone under, their ignorance had confused Roy, making him wonder whether the things he had striven to learn, and thought of as 'culture,' were irrelevant. Everything was supposed to be the same: commercials, Beethoven's late quartets, pop records, shopfronts, Freud, multi-coloured hair. Greatness, comparison, value, depth: gone, gone, gone. Anything could give some pleasure; he saw that. But not everything provided the sustenance of a deeper understanding." - Hanif Kureishi, Love in a Blue Time

 

[sulawesigirl4]

lol, melon. If I marry a guy with the last name of Dick or Dyck, there is no way I am taking on that name!

I'll stick with my unpronounceable French-derivative any day. lol.

 

[Klodomir]

I'm in a bit of a special situation regarding my name. Where I come from, it is becoming increasingly popular to take the nicest or most unusual name, whether it's the wife's or the husband's. However, my parents forgot to discuss it and ended up with my dad's much more common name, which they regretted a bit later, but didn't change. But I wanted my mother's maiden name, so I officially changed my name when I was 16. Someone would have to come along with a damn good name for me to change mine, but I might consider a double-barrel. And I would certainly never marry a man who insisted that I change my name, because that would be an indication of personality traits that I couldn't live with.

 

[sharky]

I think I'm gonna keep my name. There are two girls in my family-- no boys-- so there's no one in our family to pass down my father's name. Plus, its German and I'm proud of that. So legally no, I won't change it. If I marry a Mr. Smith and we go to social functions or my kids' friends call me Mrs. Smith, that's fine. But legally, I want to keep my name.

 

[spinninghead77]

My mother took my father's name, but years later her only brother's wife realized that she couldn't have kids. That meant that the name wouldn't be carried on. She was pregnant with my brother at the time, so his middle name is my mother's maiden name.

 

[kobayashi]

we should all just make up last names, like sports teams.

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november 12th 1955

 

[Angela Harlem]

Originally posted by kobayashi:
we should all just make up last names, like sports teams.

hmm, Angela Eagles...Angela Swans....hmmm!

kidding!

I took a new name, for a few reasons. One being that my maiden name is extremely hard to spell and virtually impossible to pronounce. Throw an X in, and everyone's stumped. My new name is difficult too though, it has about 4 different ways to spell it or say it, and everyone thinks its Asian or Persian. I also changed it though although I like tradition, I saw it as my dad was previously the most influential fella in my life, then my husband became that. I dont see the point in marriage and becoming part of a 'man and wife' if you dont believe in the other traditions. Of course this is just mine, and certain folks are going to be different. And I would never hyphen my name. I'd rather have my old french one than a French/Irish/Persian/Chinese one. Think of my kids????What if they maried a say...Italian, and their kid married...a German? Then we got Mauri or something in it...The poor kids in about 5 generations would just be called a liquorice-all-sort.

now that could be interesting....

 

[The Wanderer]

whatever the woman prefers.

 

[Charlie's Angel]

I think its a lovely gesture to take his name but not a necessity.
I don't love my surname anyway, but I am very proud of it because its about the only link to my father now.

It really depends on the time and who I guess. I have thought about what you say many times though Sula, but Bubba also has a point about the hyphen thing.It would become a little ridiculous and you find kids with hyphenated names generally drop one of them anyway.

I actually wish I had my mother's maiden name...

 

[Discoteque]

well this is just my own personal opinion, but years ago, I figured I would just change my name like everybody else, but as I got older I thought, why should I? It's only a tradition, it's not law! I know it's done for tradition, simplicity, and to create less confusion legally, but when a woman marries (and had kids) her individuality seems to become blurred. She becomes X's wife, X's mother, X's sister in law, and whatever became of the person that used to be known as 'Jane Doe'? And it starts with the name change at the wedding. NO THANKS.

Personally, if/when I ever get married, I don't think I will change my name, or at the very least I'll hyphenate (hope the guy is Irish!). That may upset my family's older generation, but so what. If they want a name change so badly, my future hubbie can go ahead and change HIS.

 

[Diemen]

I haven't really given much thought to this, other than the fact that not many people would actually want my last name, since it's long and foreign (Polish). In my more insecure moments I'm actually a little self-conscious about it, as if it would be a factor in someone deciding to marry me. I know that's not the case, but anyway...there's a good joke to go along with it:

Q: What does the bride of a Polish man get on her wedding night that's long and hard?

A: A new last name.

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I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me

 

[zooropamanda]

Diemen,
if a girl loved you enough to marry you, she wouldn't care one inch about your surname. Its not important.

 

[Marko]

I don't think that it's a very important, but I would like my wife to take my name - not for any sexist reason but for pure conviniance and tradition. It's easier if we have same last name so people can find us and not get confused about who's who...

offcourse - I understand the need for a girl that loves her last name, has a tradition about her last name, or wants to prolong her last name over our kids - it's all fine, I'll never make any demands b/c I'll never change my last name

But girls remember this: you are carying your father's last name, not your mother's - so your name is a part of tradition and cultural habits (that are not always right). And by changing your name you are doing something practical, and you are not someone else - you are still you (sulawisegirl...), you don't change into another pearson

another thing - on a different note, girls nowdays are free, independant and they damand equal rights (rightly so), but they still want us to open dors for them, buy them flowers and act like gentelman - contradictory at least.

A man's life has never been harder - we'll never understand girls completely...

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"Everyone loves me
everyone thinks I'm georgeous
they wait for their turn to meet me..." - Me, 2001.