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Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: The Wild West
Local Time: 06:20 PM
Summary of the Bush Presidency
November 2000: After losing all three television debates to Al Gore during a campaign marked by incompetence and deceit, uncharismatic business failure and draft dodger George W. Bush steals the election with help from corrupt Florida Republicans, his evil governor brother Jeb, a relative who worked for the Fox network, and racist officials who stopped blacks from voting.
December 2000: Amazed email recipients learn that 16th-century prophet Nostradamus predicted 2000 would see “the village idiot ... come forth to be acclaimed the leader in the home of greatest power”.
July 2001: Impressions are confirmed by the release of a study by the Lovenstein Institute, of Scranton, Pennsylvania, that reveals Bush’s IQ to be the lowest of all presidents for 50 years. Top of the list are Bill Clinton (whose IQ of 182 is twice that of Bush), Jimmy Carter and John F. Kennedy.
September 2001: Despite his profound mental deficiencies, Bush successfully oversees strikes against the World Trade Center towers and the Pentagon intended to provide the premise for oil wars in the Middle East.
September 2001: Bush and his enablers help bin Laden family members in the US – with whom Bush is in cahoots – fly to Saudi Arabia during a time when all other commercial flights are suspended.
April 2002: The invasion of Afghanistan – after a near four-week-long “rush to war” – is understood by clever pundits to be primarily a crafty means of ensuring construction of a massive pipeline carrying oil from the Caspian Sea.
March 2002: George W. Bush, idiot, waves at Stevie Wonder during the Presidential Gala, clearly seeking the singer’s attention and equally clearly having no idea Wonder has been blind since birth.
July 2002: George W. Bush, dunce, tells British PM Tony Blair: “The problem with the French is that they don’t have a word for entrepreneur.”
March 2003: After repeatedly linking Saddam Hussein to the September 11 attacks, Bush unilaterally invades Iraq. With support from British and Australian troops, among others, which is pretty sneaky for a unilateralist.
June 2003: According to trustworthy Palestinian sources, George W. Bush makes the following comments during a meeting with Palestinian Authority leaders: “God would tell me, ‘George, go and fight these terrorists in Afghanistan’. And I did. And then God would tell me, ‘George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq’. And I did. And now, again, I feel God’s words coming to me, ‘Go get the Palestinians their state and get the Israelis their security, and get peace in the Middle East’. And, by God, I’m gonna do it.” Finding this entirely believable, British papers The Guardian and The Independent run with the claim on their front pages.
December 2003: The Guardian’s Mark Lawson, The Sydney Morning Herald’s Alan Ramsey, and The Australian’s Phillip Adams reliably report that Bush turned up at a Thanksgiving dinner for troops in Baghdad with a turkey made of plastic. Incredibly, Bush survives the dinner without being beaten by hungry and insulted soldiers.
October 2004: Bush wears a listening device in his first debate with John Kerry so that he may parrot responses from puppet-master Karl Rove.
November 2004: After losing all three television debates to John Kerry during a campaign marked by incompetence and deceit, blundering neocon pawn and war criminal George W. Bush steals the election with help from rigged electronic voting machines and a compliant, toothless media.
December 2004: Bush-approved nuclear tests provoke an Indian Ocean tsunami that devastates South-East Asia. And then he offers only a stingy $US950m in aid.
August 2005: By neglecting to sign the Kyoto Protocol, Bush causes Hurricane Katrina. He compounds his crime by doing nothing while babies and the poor are tortured and killed in New Orleans’ Superdome of Horror. His selection of New Orleans as the hurricane’s target is evidence of Bush’s lack of concern for black people.
May 2006: Enron executives – exemplars of the Bush Way – are found guilty of massive fraud, signalling the end of the Bush era. This is despite their crimes being committed during Clinton’s presidency, and the executives being arrested and tried during Bush’s presidency.
April 2077: Nathan Chirp, 92, whose early adulthood was defined by opposition to Bush’s reign, dies of brain failure. His last words: “I blame Bush.”