*sigh*

[truecoloursfly]

This statement leapt out at me: "I hate myself for seeking what no mortal should seek." So what is it exactly you seek, my friend?? What do you judge so very harshly? If Spirit moves you to seek it...why shouldn't you?
And have you forgotten that you are not merely "mortal"? that we are Spirit having a human experience -- not the other way round? So many years I lived through my rational mind, my intellect, my ability to process information -- especially the "Serious" Stuff. Radical discovery: some knowledge is simply NOT process-able by the intellect! Some critical information must be processed through the senses. Through the skin, the soles of the feet, the heart. Knowledge of the whole world may be grasped in the moment you are standing in: the smell of the air, the wet grass, the sorrow in your heart. Maybe your heart's only asking your head to get out of the way of knowledge that's trying to get in... Will you answer my original question?

I wanna get it wrong
Can't always be strong
And love it won't be long...
Baby baby baby light my way

blessings,
Deb

[majxtc]

Originally posted by truecoloursfly:
Maybe your heart's only asking your head to get out of the way of knowledge that's trying to get in...

I felt I needed to say something, but Deb summed it up quite well. I think there are many of us (more so with us idealists) that get trapped experiencing everything through our minds when much of our life reqiures us to live it through our senses. I struggle with this a great deal, and I don't even have that great of an intellect. One day at a time.

God Bless and take care,
Mark

p.s. (((melon))) - cyber hugs are nice, but go get a real hug from somebody.



------------------
And love is not the easy thing... The only baggage you can bring... Is all that you can't leave behind.

[bonovista]

Melon..
Take a trip to Florida and stay with Emeraldscorpio and myself..

Seriously..If you ever want to get away, your more than welcomed to come and stay with us and enjoy Florida..

[DebbieSG]

but, in the meantime, it just feels so incredibly empty.

Melon

melon, I really appreciate your candor. And may I add I have always appreciated your intellectual contributions here, they are stimulating and cause us to evaluate our own thinking, thus provoking healing. So be proud of what you have done, it has not be for naught! To be honest with you, I have been feeling emotionally drained myself, and haven't been able to keep up with much intelligent conversation. I can totally understand if you feel that you can't "produce" now. Don't feel like a failure for that! Allow yourself a breather. Take the pressure off yourself. Even U2 "went away for a while" and look, they came out with Achtung Baby.

I have to agree with 80sU2isBest! When we are weak, God gives us His strength. Really, we can do nothing without Him (John 15:4-5). It is so important to get in a right relationship with God. Jesus says "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well."(Matt. 6:33). Trust God! That's where our hearts find true fulfillment and peace. He will provide all good things in time.

"I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company."

You've got a caring community here! I'm praying for you .

[melon]

Thanks to everyone who responded here. I really do appreciate it more than you would ever know.

Although I do feel better since I wrote this a couple days ago, I still feel different. As I have read everyone's responses, the consensus seems to be that I need to relax and take time for myself to enjoy the simple pleasures of life--and I agree with that. What gives me despair is that I cannot even do that. I'm so damn swamped with projects, appointments, and ill-timed circumstances with life (i.e., my car tire went flat in the parking lot earlier this week and I still haven't had time that I can get it fixed) that any attempt to escape is impossible.

And I often think of attempts at love. Even if I had a chance at it right now, I don't even know where I'd find time for that special someone. I really just want to fall over and break things right now because I'm so frustrated with college. I'm so frustrated at work. I'm so frustrated at those damn circumstances in life that never seem to go my way. I'm so frustrated that I don't even have time to sleep anymore. I'm falling apart, and I don't even have time to get help. I feel that it is only going to get worse from here. It's only early October, and this semester goes until December. Luckily, I graduate then. Then I can say a fond "fuck off" to the life I'm currently living. Even then, my future doesn't seem very bright for enjoying simple pleasures. I wish the world would end already, so that I wouldn't have to work anymore.

Melon

------------------
"He had lived through an age when men and women with energy and ruthlessness but without much ability or persistence excelled. And even though most of them had gone under, their ignorance had confused Roy, making him wonder whether the things he had striven to learn, and thought of as 'culture,' were irrelevant. Everything was supposed to be the same: commercials, Beethoven's late quartets, pop records, shopfronts, Freud, multi-coloured hair. Greatness, comparison, value, depth: gone, gone, gone. Anything could give some pleasure; he saw that. But not everything provided the sustenance of a deeper understanding." - Hanif Kureishi, Love in a Blue Time

[Calluna]

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all your troubles disapear.



Hang in there, Melon!

------------------
Remember the goul.

Shake n' bake
Do whatever it takes

[truecoloursfly]

melon,
WHY don't you "have time to get help"?? I always thought a full-time college curriculum was an inhumane way to "prepare" somebody for the world--it unnecessarily stresses and depletes eager, capable people. Having said that, if in that same parking lot, say, you slipped and fractured a bone, you'd find time then, wouldn't you? You sound like you have a fractured soul, darlin', maybe a hairline crack that suddenly got worse after 11 Sept... Don't treat your intangible self so carelessly, okay? There's solid ground beneath you, it's only shrouded in fog. I know it. May beauty and light find their way to you today, if only for a moment; may you remember some small joy of your own heart...

If I could, through myself
set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away

Deb D

[Crzy4Bono]

melon -
I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are right now -
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

I know I've been feeling a bit off track myself since the events of the last couple of weeks have been going on - nothing specific, just not quite right. A bit down, sad - unable to concentrate or make thing tick along like they usually do. Just take some time to enjoy something simple like a sunset or a good read or a conversation over coffee. I know about busy - I have a full time job and 2 young kids but if you can't take a few minutes for yourself then you're not doing anyone else any good either.

Peace to you, and remember it's just a moment.



------------------
She's gonna dream up a world she wants to live in / She's gonna dream out loud.
Visit my web page at www.u2page.com

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

{{{{melon}}}

feel better ok, guy?

Hey Melon,

I don't really know you so I don't know what my advice would be worth to you but when I get overwhelmed with life I think of the words that Jesus said to those who would follow Him,

"Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matthew 11:29,30)

I hope that helps you. I don't know what your walk with God is like but I know that these words help me to remember the life more abundant that my savior and best friend promised me.

[whammy]

Hey Melon!

I'm new to the forum and I've disagreed with you on many topics in this forum.

You have an impressive intellect. I love your occasional use of sarcasm to heighten your viewpoints. I don't like to think of sarcasm in a negative way. I like to think of sarcasm as the same thing as WIT but, from an aggressive point of view.

So, because your are very intelligent and have a great deal of knowledge, my words of encouragement come for previous scholars.

Never let life's hardships disturb you. After all, no one can avoid problems, not even saints or sages.
- Nichiren

-AND-

We can try many ways to get rid of the darkness, but none is as effective as simply increasing the light.
-Confucius


Take care Melon!

God Bless America










[This message has been edited by whammy (edited 10-05-2001).]

[christiana]

You know my English sucks... I don't know how to express myself in this foreign language. All I can say is take care of yourself and cheer up.

Anyway, *hugs melon*

[melon]

I just want to thank everyone again for writing. It has very much helped me try and get things into perspective.

As for this forum, I've lost interest still in the political topics, but I'm still bringing in religion ones. I'm sure you guys can handle the political ones on your own.

I guess, honestly, this past month has affected me more profoundly than I could ever have imagined. I'm just not used to things getting so reactionary so quickly. I still don't feel like I'm living in the same world anymore. The old one, seemingly, passed away...

Melon

------------------
"He had lived through an age when men and women with energy and ruthlessness but without much ability or persistence excelled. And even though most of them had gone under, their ignorance had confused Roy, making him wonder whether the things he had striven to learn, and thought of as 'culture,' were irrelevant. Everything was supposed to be the same: commercials, Beethoven's late quartets, pop records, shopfronts, Freud, multi-coloured hair. Greatness, comparison, value, depth: gone, gone, gone. Anything could give some pleasure; he saw that. But not everything provided the sustenance of a deeper understanding." - Hanif Kureishi, Love in a Blue Time

[Hawk269]

Originally posted by melon:
I see things people don't see in this world, and it is perhaps this wisdom that I have wished to share with you all all along.

I have been tortured with demons and angels alike my entire life, and perhaps the saddest idea is that they look alike and say similar things. Only it is their hearts that are different, and it is only a few who will be able to see beneath that surface.

When I was young and foolish, I wanted wisdom; the knowledge of the Universal Mind. Now that I am at my most capable to have received this knowledge, I don't want it anymore. I want to be young, stupid, and deliriously in love. I want to be ignorant of the rest of the world, wave my flag, and hate people different than me like everyone else. But I can't take this knowledge out of my mind. I hate myself for seeking what no mortal should seek.

Melon,

I want to tell you about similar feelings I had a while back, and how I am dealing with them every single day. These feelings of seeing what others do not see and knowing what many others just do not know or care to know...I understand exactly how you feel there.

According to what you have posted, you feel like you have attained a level of wisdom that almost no one else has. I believe you. And I also believe that knowing these things and living with the harsh realities of understanding the truth behind the surface is a huge cross to bear.

Over the past 10 years, I have felt like I figured out a lot about humans, perhaps too much for my own good. After taking college courses and reading a lot of books, I realized that humans acted more like animals than I could have ever imagined. Our daily behaviors, mate selection, nuances, personalities, rituals...they are all so deeply rooted in our nature. Very few people use their intellect or souls to rise above animalistic tendencies. To sum it all up, I felt like too many people out there are just products of their evolution, and not too much more. Watching people's actions on a daily basis just proved me right. It made me feel completely out of place, like I knew why people acted the way they did, yet lacked the power to change any of it. People are what they are, and I can either live with them or choose to check out in whatever way. I chose to focus on the best that people have to offer, despite what I know about evolution and natural tendencies.

In the end, even though it bothers me that there are a lot of animals walking around out there (e.g. the Taliban), I can honestly say I would rather know why people do what they do. All of it makes me better appreciate someone like you, who has intelligence and soul. I believe it is still better to know why. Even though ignorance is bliss, nothing matches the simple beauty of knowing the truth, despite the suffering that often comes with it. I know you will never stop asking why, Melon. It is a part of you, and denying it would be against your natural constitution, just like it would be against mine.

AJ

[Klodomir]

Melon, I'm really sorry that you're in so much pain, but I'm glad you're sharing with us. I have seen it before on this board, and it worries me as much as when I see it in people around me... maybe even more so, because when one of the people here is feeling bad and then we don't hear from them for a couple of days, it's so much more worrying because there's no way of knowing what's going on.

I don't have any clever advice to offer you, so I'll just go with my intuition... I don't think you have made a mistake in seeking the knowledge that you have, and I hope and believe that once you have clawed your way out of this hole, you will continue to do so. It's in your nature, and it may very well be what you - the great Melon - need to do with your life. You can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders all the time, so if you can't "switch off" when you need to, I think you have to learn to distract yourself sometimes. You can't keep that engine running at 100% all the time, or you will wear yourself out at a young age.

I don't know why I'm saying this, but I think you have to look for someone to love, rather than for someone who will love you. I myself am "unique" in a possibly negative sense in ways that are probably not too obvious to the readers of this forum, and this has kept me without a soul mate up until now, but I have learned to take pleasure in and gain fulfillment from just giving love without wondering about what I will get back. I have always been the kind of person who enjoyed giving Christmas presents more than receiving them, so it's strange that it took me so long to figure it out, but it has made me stop hating myself so much.

I'm against those nice little lies people tell you when you're young - "You can be anything you want to be" - "You will find Mr./Miss Right one day, you just have to be patient", so I won't tell you anything like that, but I do believe that you will find the meaning of your life someday... maybe when you're a very old man, but keep looking.