Shacking Up

[bonosloveslave]

I checked back aways in FYM, didn't see anything recent that covered this topic specifically soooo...........

Just curious as to thoughts out there on people living together before they get married. This issue has recently come up in my family, and though I think I know the majority opinion, I'd like to hear your thoughts/experiences/arguments/praises etc. I've got a twist to throw in later so be sure to check back.

 

[Dreadsox]

My blushing bride of 9 years would not shack up with me.....

Thank goodness for that.....She might have changed her mind


Actually....that is not true.....she did marry me again after we had gotten married. It's one of those Catholic things....I never asked the local Priest for permission to marry in a Protestant church....

so technically, she married me twice and in the eyes of the church....we were living in sin....


hmmmm does that mean we shacked up?

 

[deep]

It is really only the business of the individuals involved.

I realize most religious adherents frown upon it. That is their right


When someone tells me so and so are living together, I think that is information.
When someone tells me so and so are shaking up, it sounds like a judgement.

 

[BAW]

When someone tells me so and so are living together, I think that is information.
When someone tells me so and so are shaking up, it sounds like a judgement.

That's pretty much the way I feel about it.

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

It is really only the business of the individuals involved.

I realize most religious adherents frown upon it. That is their right

 

[diamond]

what happens if the person youre shacking up with sends you to the doghouse?

 

[Sparkysgrrrl]

I think nothing of it.
I've shacked up. With me and the ppl I've known it's a matter of needing a place to live and not really a big deal.

 

[Moonlit_Angel]

I don't see it as anything bad. If a couple want to live together before they're married, that's their business, I don't care.

Plus, doing that will give the advantage of finding out whether both people could be able to handle living together when they get married. Would they each be able to handle how the other lives or would what they do get on each other's nerves?

So, yeah...if two people choose to live together, and they aren't married..*shrugs*. Their lives, their choice, I see no harm in it.

Angela

 

[Laura M]

I would have nothing against living with someone who I wasnt married to

But i live in a Catholic family and although my parents are always open about certain issues they are very against the idea of me living with someone before i get married

My dad said last week i could never take a boyfriend to live in our house here but if i want to i can do it under my own roof

 

[nbcrusader]

Plus, doing that will give the advantage of finding out whether both people could be able to handle living together when they get married. Would they each be able to handle how the other lives or would what they do get on each other's nerves?

Actually, recent studies showed that couples who lived together before marriage had a higher divorce rate.

Do we really want to live by the societal mantra that "It?s none of our business?" Generally, would you watch someone engage in behavior that is detrimental or self destructive and be silent?

To Beth?s original question: No, my wife and I did not live together before marriage ? still going strong after 12 ? years.

 

[DrTeeth]

I don't even mind when people choose to live together without wanting to get married ever!

And they can adopt kids too if they want to

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

Every couple is different, and they have to go with what works best. I think it's time other people keep out of some people's business.

 

[bonosloveslave]

Do we really want to live by the societal mantra that "It?s none of our business?" Generally, would you watch someone engage in behavior that is detrimental or self destructive and be silent?

To Beth?s original question: No, my wife and I did not live together before marriage ? still going strong after 12 ? years.

My life probably would be easier if I could just say, "it's none of my business". The problem is, I have seen time and time again where these situations turn out badly. I'm trying to spare my sister some pain, but also I realize that she's one of those people who thinks she will always be the exception to the rule and basically has to learn everything the hard way.

nbcrusader - kudos to you and your wife - we'll have our 4th anniversary on December 5th.

 

[Achtung_Bebe]

i agree with what nbcrusader said. I heard a statistic two weeks ago, I believe it's around 65% of marriages beginning with co-habitation out of wedlock end in divorce. In my opinion this arrangement shows a concern for your complete satisfaction in the marriage rather than a desire to satisfy your mate, which is where a real problem arises since marriage will require adjustment on both ends for unselfish reasons. To "test drive" the marriage situation is to half-heartedly go into the commitment. I think it is a given that you will get on eachother's nerves once in a while, so there's no reason to put it up for observation.

 

[nbcrusader]

we'll have our 4th anniversary on December 5th.

Congratulations in advance. I think it took us 4 years just to get the hang of marriage. If there is one thing I can say, it's every day gets better!

 

[melon]

Truthfully, I think the statistic about couples living together before marriage ending badly is more of a reflection of their morality than it actually making a difference. Those who live together before marriage and have no problem with it are also likely to have no moral problem with divorce if everything goes wrong. That may not be the case with those who live with each other after marriage, and may feel more compelled to keep the marriage together. Whether that marriage is happy or not is another story.

Melon

 

[speedracer]

Truthfully, I think the statistic about couples living together before marriage ending badly is more of a reflection of their morality than it actually making a difference. Those who live together before marriage and have no problem with it are also likely to have no moral problem with divorce if everything goes wrong. That may not be the case with those who live with each other after marriage, and may feel more compelled to keep the marriage together. Whether that marriage is happy or not is another story.

Melon

Maybe...but it is rather disturbing that among couples who "test-drive" their marriages before committing, at least 65% of them experience what they perceive to be "everything going wrong" (if Achtung_Bebe's statistics are correct). One would naturally think that live-in couples would be more assured of their wedded bliss than non-live-in couples (at least at the time they exchange vows). So Achtung_Bebe's assertion that live-in couples have a looser definition of "everything going wrong" still has some merit.

 

[Moonlit_Angel]

Truthfully, I think the statistic about couples living together before marriage ending badly is more of a reflection of their morality than it actually making a difference. Those who live together before marriage and have no problem with it are also likely to have no moral problem with divorce if everything goes wrong. That may not be the case with those who live with each other after marriage, and may feel more compelled to keep the marriage together. Whether that marriage is happy or not is another story.

Melon

I agree.

That statistic's kinda funny-what I was thinking was that if a couple lives together before marriage, if they find they can't live together day in and day out for the rest of their lives, then there'd be no reason to continue the relationship, and if they could manage living together day in and day out, then they would eventually marry.

And I'm not talking about just once in a while getting on each other's nerves-I know that'll happen regardless of whether a couple lives together before they're married or not.

If a couple lives together before they are married, and they realize things about each other that they honestly don't think they could handle dealing with every single day for the rest of their lives, then that would be a sign that they probably shouldn't get married.

nbcrusader, I'm curious-how would a couple living together before being married be "detrimental" or "self-destructive"?

If what someone does isn't gonna harm anyone else, then it isn't anyone else's business. Period. I don't see how a couple living together before being married will harm any of us here on these boards, so why should we butt in? It's none of our business.

Angela

 

[cass]

my sister gave me a book many Christmas' ago,
"In Celebration of Mankind" I found it fascinating, the variation in the tradition of relationships around the world.There is a group of people in India who really had it worked out imho, a way of connecting a sense of responsiblility thru the whole community.

As for what is accepted and works in our western culture...it's just based upon a person's expectation and strength and preparedness to adapt.............and a whole lot of luck.

My personal case...We decided we had similar goals, we could achieve something together. We didn't feel the need to be married in the eyes of God or the law.
Ahhh and then( unlike what some ppl here assume, I read some veiled comments about lack of birth control) we planned to have children. That is where our desire to be married emerged. It just the felt right thing to do for the children.(I can't explain it beyond that)
The divorce statistics are alarming and I refuse to become one of them.Our marriage almost ended at one point. I think it was our wedding vows that helped us survive that...well they helped. ..a lot.So except for that hiccup( more like chronic indigestion for 4 months, followed by a large explosive *burp*) we have been together for 22years, married for 21, last July
so there ya go my humble opinion......is your sister younger?The scenario sounds familiar. My older sister( actually my whole family) waved me off with the muttered words 'it will never last" let them eat cake...wedding cake!!

to sum up? hhmmmm moi? basically nothing is wrong , nothing is right, it's all about individual committment and Good Luck.

 

[nbcrusader]

nbcrusader, I'm curious-how would a couple living together before being married be "detrimental" or "self-destructive"?

My choice of words was not directed at cohabitation directly, though I still believe there are harmful elements that are not generally considered. The one already highlighted is how a marriage is valued. To me, the commitment made in a marriage is weakened by cohabitation.

If what someone does isn't gonna harm anyone else, then it isn't anyone else's business. Period.

I think we are fooling ourselves by the large scope of behavior society has defined that ?doesn't harm anyone else?. True, someone?s cohabitation might not impact me directly as a member of this forum, but let?s take a look at the two people in question. Have we considered the impact on the families, friends, children?

And to the point of staying out of other?s business, have you ever made the suggestion to someone that they not smoke? Take drugs? Cheat? I see more of an obligation, not to condemn, but to provide loving counsel.

 

[daisybean]

Every couple is different, and they have to go with what works best.

My brother and his wife lived together for a number of years before getting married. They are still quite happy together.

My sister and her boyfriend have been living together for 4 years now. I don't know if they plan on getting married or not...and frankly I don't care, they are happy in the situation they are in. If they get married, fine, if not, fine.

 

[oliveu2cm]

I personally wouldn't do it. My best friend from high school did though, and they're getting married next October. I feel, however, that living together is a very strong commitment, and if he wants to do that then he can think about getting married. I don't play house. I can NOT IMAGINE living with someone and having the relationship falling through. I like my sanity too much, thanks!

 

[Scarletwine]

My husband and I lived together for awhile before we were married. It was an economical necessity as well as emotional. We've been married 15 years, so I don't think the statistics are necessarily correct. It depends on your commitment to your marriage.

I think it is a good idea in most cases.

 

[bonosloveslave]

Ok - so to throw in a few more details........

-My sis is the girl involved, she's 21.
-The guy is someone she works with, he's 28 (this is actually the 4th guy she has chosen to date from the same restaurant).
-He is married - in process of divorce, but it's gonna be a few months yet until it is finalized.
-He has a 3 year old daughter that he and his wife are in a custody battle over.
-Part of the reason that he finally left was that he didn't think he could hold back much longer from hitting his wife during their arguments (his father was abusive to his mother).

I am just in shock that my sister cannot put the pieces together to see that this is a bad situation!

Only my mom has met him so far, and the current family fight is should he be invited to Thanksgiving dinner or not? I don't think this would be a good occasion for our first introductions.


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Sorry, this has gotten kind of personal, if the mods feel the need to move it, that's ok.

 

[najeena]

My Mother told me that to marry without seeing if you could stand to live with each other first was foolish. God rest her, she was always honest with me.

Najeena

 

[ILuvLarryMullen]

it seems to me that the problem with your sister is the type of guy she chose and not necessarily the fact that she wants to live with him. He doesn't sound like a good guy to date, much less live with. Would it still be as much of an issue with you if the guy she wanted to move in with was a good guy? I think the best thing for you to do is to is to try to council your sister about the types of guys she chooses to date, and not the fact that she wants to move in with someone, this way she won't think you're making a moral judgement on her (wether or not you intend to) and is less likely to get defensive, and more likely to listen. That's just the way I see things, I could be wrong. You know your sister, and I of course don't.

 

[cass]

hmmmmm.it is personal, but my humble opinion

RUN!!!don't walk run.
At least the guy is honest( about the urge to clobber the missus).That is scary imho.
My father was treated brutally as a child , so was my husband, so was I. I think it's a cop out to use that as an excuse. I'd be very very VERY cautious...but I remember being 21(or18) too. You think you know it ALL.
Ack!! it's a tricky thing....best wishes to your mom. Mom's always want things to go smoothly at family gatherings.
can I make a badjoke?...the guy sounds like a bit of a turkey!

 

[deep]

BLSlave,

How would you feel if this guy just got his divorce final, and she married him and then moved in with him?

This relationship sounds like a mistake.

If she moves in, hopefully she will be out in a few months and have gotten one heck of a learning experience.


On Thanksgiving, have him over and your family will do better being decent to him. I am sure you have all told her your reservations. In the end you will be family forever and this guy will most likely be a mistake she won't repeat.



I think this has less to do with ?shaking up?, that it does with choosing the wrong partner.

 

[Scarletwine]

Ok - so to throw in a few more details........

-My sis is the girl involved, she's 21.
-The guy is someone she works with, he's 28 (this is actually the 4th guy she has chosen to date from the same restaurant).
-He is married - in process of divorce, but it's gonna be a few months yet until it is finalized.
-He has a 3 year old daughter that he and his wife are in a custody battle over.
-Part of the reason that he finally left was that he didn't think he could hold back much longer from hitting his wife during their arguments (his father was abusive to his mother).QUOTE]

I seriously dated a guy at your sisters age, that I would say wasn't a "good" guy either. My parents and brother tried to deter our relationship also. But being sure that I knew better than they, it only made me more determined to prove them wrong. So I'd be cautious about dissing him. Once they accepted him, I was able to see his bad points on my own.

 

[bonosloveslave]

BLSlave,

How would you feel if this guy just got his divorce final, and she married him and then moved in with him?

Actually she was talking about moving out west with restaurant boy #3 and some other people from work just this summer. I asked her if she saw herself marrying him, and she said she did. So I told her she'd have a much better chance of things working out if just she and him got hitched in Vegas or whatever and then just winged it on their own without other people to complicate it! Of course that marrying man was for some reason dumped shortly thereafter.
Seriously, the divorce rate is bad enough, but it is significantly higher among couples who have lived together beforehand. SHe is saying that she does want to marry this new guy, and I said if he's worth marrying he's worth WAITING for! Sheesh! But this doesn't seem to make sense to anyone!


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sorry deep, not ranting at you, this is just very stressful for me in general