My 'Slave Reparations'

[Ass Hare]

I am here today to demand payment for the senseless bondage that my ancestors had to endure during their lifetime.

1) My ancestors of European descent were likely serfs in feudal Europe. While they toiled for nearly a millennium (serfdom existed from about A.D. 500 to A.D. 1400), both the Christian Church and their respective kingdoms built mass palaces, mass cathedrals, and gigantic fortunes that the royal families of today still possess. It was on the blood and the work of my ancestors that helped them get where they are today.

2) Two of my direct ancestors were servants on the Mayflower, which landed in present-day Massachusetts in 1620. Once again, due to their tireless devotion to the self-centered elite, they aided the foundation of what eventually became the United States.

3) Another direct ancestor of mine was displaced from Scotland into Northern Ireland during the late 1700s, when the British were trying to conquer Ireland. He found himself so tricked that he eventually emigrated to America. I demand that my ancestral land in Scotland be returned to me.

Overall, I demand reparations in the sum of £300 million (about $450 million). While Queen Elizabeth II and her heirs are bathed in endless luxury, while Pope John Paul II is surrounded in 'churches' fit for monarchs, the work of my ancestors to get these people where they are go unpraised, unnoticed. It is due time that I get the reparations that will help to make old wrongs right again.

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Fatty the Skank