I have been thinking..and murmuring..and wallowing..and grasping for awhile now?on this subject which is two-fold.
For background reasons, my mother passed away after a 2 year battle with cancer at Easter time several years ago. I was working in another city at the time but my entire family had arranged for the departure in the event that it was required to get home asap?so standby flights etc were made for special circumstances etc..to ensure that family could get home if that time arose?the day she passed away she spike a fever of 114?my father called the family to let us know to come home?I said I would come home now..and he said no..no need..there is nothing you can do..finish your day and come home right after work?frantic I said are you absolutely sure..he said yes..so arrangements were made for kids etc..and I arranged to go straight from work?I made it home by 7 at night..my brother came out the to driveway..I knew this was not a good sign?she was gone?I am told that the doctor came to the house?and she was suffering..and well she left us?my father was there..the doctor..my brother..my sister was downstairs..my other brother and myself were not there at all?she was gone when I arrived?my father?according to my mothers wishes?had instructed that she be cremated?and she was..I didn?t get to see her prior to that nor did I get to say goodbye?no viewing..just immediate family..private ceremony?and due to holiday they refused to bury her until after the holiday..so we wait for closure again.
So that is the background?..I was speaking to a therapist about this feeling I have. I had a session many moons ago with what I call a ?white witch? She was someone who was respected in the community and had helped find missing children etc?anyway..this was way back in my early 20?s?when I entered her room..she immediately saw someone over my shoulder..as she went on to describe this person..it was my grandmother, my fathers mother?and it struck me as odd, because she was always closer to my older sister than to me?
And my therapist asked me if I sensed that my mother was with me in some way..and I don?t feel that she is?I feel like she is far far away?and that she doesn?t hear or see me..
So now to get to the question?I can talk to my mother in a spiritual sense..but I don?t necessarily feel that she is there..and Im wondering if this maybe is some sort of punishment that I put myself through spiritually for not being there when she needed me.
Any thoughts on this nagging question would be appreciated, because at this point in my life Id really like to reconnect somehow with her because I think she may be able to help me deal with some things that I am faced with?
For background reasons, my mother passed away after a 2 year battle with cancer at Easter time several years ago. I was working in another city at the time but my entire family had arranged for the departure in the event that it was required to get home asap?so standby flights etc were made for special circumstances etc..to ensure that family could get home if that time arose?the day she passed away she spike a fever of 114?my father called the family to let us know to come home?I said I would come home now..and he said no..no need..there is nothing you can do..finish your day and come home right after work?frantic I said are you absolutely sure..he said yes..so arrangements were made for kids etc..and I arranged to go straight from work?I made it home by 7 at night..my brother came out the to driveway..I knew this was not a good sign?she was gone?I am told that the doctor came to the house?and she was suffering..and well she left us?my father was there..the doctor..my brother..my sister was downstairs..my other brother and myself were not there at all?she was gone when I arrived?my father?according to my mothers wishes?had instructed that she be cremated?and she was..I didn?t get to see her prior to that nor did I get to say goodbye?no viewing..just immediate family..private ceremony?and due to holiday they refused to bury her until after the holiday..so we wait for closure again.
So that is the background?..I was speaking to a therapist about this feeling I have. I had a session many moons ago with what I call a ?white witch? She was someone who was respected in the community and had helped find missing children etc?anyway..this was way back in my early 20?s?when I entered her room..she immediately saw someone over my shoulder..as she went on to describe this person..it was my grandmother, my fathers mother?and it struck me as odd, because she was always closer to my older sister than to me?
And my therapist asked me if I sensed that my mother was with me in some way..and I don?t feel that she is?I feel like she is far far away?and that she doesn?t hear or see me..
So now to get to the question?I can talk to my mother in a spiritual sense..but I don?t necessarily feel that she is there..and Im wondering if this maybe is some sort of punishment that I put myself through spiritually for not being there when she needed me.
Any thoughts on this nagging question would be appreciated, because at this point in my life Id really like to reconnect somehow with her because I think she may be able to help me deal with some things that I am faced with?