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Old 01-29-2003, 09:15 PM   #1
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Live from a collapsed bunker somewhere in Afghanistan...,00.html

Tim Blair: And now for some thoughts from Osama

January 30, 2003
IN the interests of fairness and balance we present Osama bin Laden's 2003 State of the Union address, as delivered yesterday to his ecstatic followers:

MR Speaker, distinguished guests, earthworms and remains of faithful old kidney dialysis machine, as we gather tonight, our cause lies in ruin. Yet the forces of jihad have never been stronger!

The Western devil, he is trembling and broken, even though a massive number of our operatives in the Middle East, Asia, and Europe have been captured or killed, Afghan women are openly attending schools, and I'm a smorgasbord for centipedes. Jihad marches on.

For this, first I must thank Mullah Omar. Stand up, Mullah, wherever you are, and wave to the people. With your good hand! Thanks too to Richard Reid, the shoe bomber, whose plan would have worked perfectly were it not for his extreme blundering idiocy. And to my dear murderous friends in Bali who inspired us all, in your hour of need my heart goes out to you. Or it would, if a hungry bird hadn't already flown away with it.

We have faced the mildest, most measured attack our enemies could throw at us, and we have been rapidly defeated at almost every turn. The Muslim people have not risen as one to join my lunatic quest, the West has not been intimidated (well, except for the French) and every prediction about a Vietnam-style quagmire in Afghanistan proved false. Why, only this week US and Afghan troops easily put down a small al-Qa'ida uprising.

From this we can draw strength. For is it not written in the Koran that he who is pulped by US Army ordnance and buried beneath tonnes of Tora Bora dirt shall not later rise up and do more cool stuff with jets and buildings? You know, I bet it is.

Now to the case of my amigo in goodness, Saddam Hussein. The same people who predicted drawn-out warfare in Afghanistan with many thousands of civilian dead are predicting the same thing for Iraq. This prediction, it is a curse. I fear for Saddam. All of his glorious fundraising for the families of Palestinian suicide killers and the holy slaughter of his countrymen will mean nothing if the reverse-curse of the inaccurate Western commentators again comes true.

I would list all of these commentators, but my lack of a soft palate, lower jaw, and upper head makes difficult the task of pronouncing their decadent Western names. How much easier it would be if John Pilger was known as Mohammed Motown Aqsa ul Haq.

And finally, to you, George W. Bush, I say this: You have won the battle and you will win the war, while I was insane in life and am now munched upon by stray dogs in death. But at least no lunatic Western leftist ever called me stupid. Jihad triumphs again!
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