John Cleese's Letter to Amercia

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Dreadsox

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John Cleese’s “Letter to America”

15022008

Dear Citizens of America,


In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.


Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.


2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”


3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.


4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.


5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”


6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).


7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”


8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.


9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.


11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.


12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.


13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.


14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.


15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.


17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of Jessies - English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).


18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.


19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.


20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.


Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese
 
U2Fanatic4ever said:
:laugh: hilarious as only john cleese can (with his deadpan face, I can just see it now) witty chap he is..:D

This has been around for years, and wasn't written by John Cleese. Funny nonetheless. :up:
 
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[q]TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND:

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

PS: regarding WW2: You're Welcome.[/q]
 
If they are going to do this, they also must let us convert to the pound. And not all European beers are Lagers. And most of us prefer Japanese cars to German or American cars, anyway.
 
PlaTheGreat said:
I pledge to no Queen. Never! :mad:

Irvine :lmao: :up:



you know, for my money, the British one is way, way nastier than the American response.

but it's the response that stops 'em dead.

:shrug:
 
Irvine511 said:

you know, for my money, the British one is way, way nastier than the American response.

It's also about a hundred times wittier, which inadvertently sort of proves one of their points.

:wink:
 
anitram said:


It's also about a hundred times wittier, which inadvertently sort of proves one of their points.

:wink:



that would be all in the eyes of the beholder ...

in all seriousness, though, these two things nearly started an incident in the international preschool i taught at during 2000/01. it seems that how the humor is taken very much depends on your passport.

i suppose Aussies and Canadians are the only truly unbiased parties.
 
Irvine511 said:


i suppose Aussies and Canadians are the only truly unbiased parties.

Well the one thing that Brits and Americans can agree on is that Canada sucks balls.

Not witty, true.


Australia is cool though.
 
Irvine511 said:

in all seriousness, though, these two things nearly started an incident in the international preschool i taught at during 2000/01. it seems that how the humor is taken very much depends on your passport.

I never understood patriotism or nationalism of this sort. I've lived in 4 countries, I respect all of them to a degree and am grateful for the opportunities they've provided me. But I belong to none of them, and I certainly don't suffer from any kind of psychotic attachments that would result in something like what you mentioned above.
 
I've lived in one country and never felt that connection.

In my opinion the US should convert to the metric system and the UK should start to drive on the right side of the street. ;)
 
Vincent Vega said:
I've lived in one country and never felt that connection.

In my opinion the US should convert to the metric system and the UK should start to drive on the right side of the street. ;)

:up:
 
anitram said:


I never understood patriotism or nationalism of this sort. I've lived in 4 countries, I respect all of them to a degree and am grateful for the opportunities they've provided me. But I belong to none of them, and I certainly don't suffer from any kind of psychotic attachments that would result in something like what you mentioned above.



well, i'm exaggerating for effect, but, yes, there were both Brits and Yanks who were offended by both, or more accurately, Yanks offended by the Brits who send them the first one, and then Brits offended by the Yanks who forwarded them the second.

i was surprised too. i enjoy mocking everybody's country.
 
Dreadsox said:
John Cleese’s “Letter to America”



20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.


Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese

:lol: Burst out laughing on that one lol.
 
Dear Citizens of America,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Good, never did like going to the dentist.
 
anitram said:


I never understood patriotism or nationalism of this sort. I've lived in 4 countries, I respect all of them to a degree and am grateful for the opportunities they've provided me. But I belong to none of them, and I certainly don't suffer from any kind of psychotic attachments that would result in something like what you mentioned above.

Hey, now. . .

Are you maybe suggesting that you haven't ALWAYS been proud of your country (whichever one)?

Cuz, that would just be wrong.

One must ALWAYS be proud of their country.

:wink:
 
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