As horrible as the pandemic has been for pretty much everyone, I do have the privilege of not being a first responder. There is a severe mental tax placed on all of us by the pandemic, but theirs is the worst and most immediate.
Right now I'm going through what I'd call an information detox. I've been dealing with a ton of anxiety since my Ashley's trip to see her family and had several panic attacks over a couple weeks and now I'm having this derealization hangover of sorts where I'm just really checked out of everything.
I've learned to not get angry at myself for experiencing derealization because it's my brain's way of saying that I'm doing too much and need to pull back. So yeah, I haven't checked the numbers in a couple days, trying to stay off social media as much as I can. Mostly listening to music, doing chores, minding my own business.
Mainly I'm just trying to have a little bit of fun being alive, you know? It can be easy to forget how important that is when shit is consistently dull, repetitive or bad. I have a bad habit of idly taking in information throughout the day, most of it negative, just reading on my phone all day long. You don't realize how quickly that shit piles up in your psyche if you don't balance it out with anything.
The other thing is, like, I can't find work. Teachers are being let go, not hired, and there's no plan for extending unemployment. The majority of congress is willing to let us all die. So I have a choice. I can spend my days spamming applications and getting resentful when I don't hear back, or I can take a realistic perspective and make the most of what's in front of me. I can panic about economic fallout or I can be patient.
The reality is that the vast majority of us got robbed. This year got stolen from us. Some of us lost family members. Most of us lost money, or momentum. We should be pissed off and depressed. But with shit not getting better any time soon, the question becomes how to manage the time we've got. I don't have the answer to that, but I know that it doesn't involve spending all day long reading about the world going to shit and hating myself.
The major action I'm returning to in order to protect my mental health is approaching news on a need to know basis.
Do I need to know that the virus is dangerous? Yes.
Do I need to know that it's in my area? Yes.
Do I need to know how to keep myself and my family as safe as possible? Yes.
But I do know all of those things. I learned them months ago. So reading up on the daily numbers, people's experiences, how the rest of the world perceives our situation, all of it just clouds the water. I'm not really learning anything, only accumulating information.
Especially when it comes to the numbers, it's best to think about things in terms of averages over weeks and months. I'm glad that California is rolling back and fining people over masks, but we're not going to see the results of those efforts for at least 1-2 weeks, so why look at the numbers every day and get upset? I haven't seen the California numbers since Thursday and I'm good with that. Maybe I'll check up on them next Thursday.
But I'm glad the information is out there because, frankly, some people need to be scared. They're putting people in danger even if they're not as risk, so if one horror story or one death report scares them, so be it. But I don't personally need it because I'm already respecting the seriousness of the situation. I paid my dues back in March.
Take care of yourselves, everyone. No one else will do it for you.