Corporal punishment??

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sulawesigirl4

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This is something I've been curious about for a while. What do you all think about corporal punishment, namely "spanking" as used in discipline of children? Is it a parents right or is it always child abuse? Should the state have any say over this or no?

Myself, I grew up in a somewhat strict home. My parents while very loving did use spanking as a form of discipline and I hated it (of course). However, in retrospect I can't say that I am worse off or emotionally scarred for life as a result. I know there are some who propose that it just teaches children that violence is the answer to problems, but in my own life I haven't found that to be the case. I don't have violent tendencies and I've never struck anyone. My parents were always very clear about actions that would result in spanking and almost always did not distribute this punishment while in anger. (Usually I got the sad "this is hurting me more than it hurts you" speech. lol).

On the other hand, there are so many people out there whose idea of child discipline is to reason with the kid until they are screaming their heads off at each other, angry, and THEN resort to physical punishment. To me, that's more like abuse because it is unpredictable and creates instability for the child.

I don't know if this rambling makes any sense. It's not an issue I have clarity or conclusions on yet (obviously) and as I don't have any children of my own, I can't say what I'd do as a parent.

But anyways, I'm curious as to your thoughts.

-sula

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Originally posted by sulawesigirl4:
This is something I've been curious about for a while. What do you all think about corporal punishment, namely "spanking" as used in discipline of children? Is it a parents right or is it always child abuse? Should the state have any say over this or no?

Myself, I grew up in a somewhat strict home. My parents while very loving did use spanking as a form of discipline and I hated it (of course). However, in retrospect I can't say that I am worse off or emotionally scarred for life as a result. I know there are some who propose that it just teaches children that violence is the answer to problems, but in my own life I haven't found that to be the case. I don't have violent tendencies and I've never struck anyone. My parents were always very clear about actions that would result in spanking and almost always did not distribute this punishment while in anger. (Usually I got the sad "this is hurting me more than it hurts you" speech. lol).

On the other hand, there are so many people out there whose idea of child discipline is to reason with the kid until they are screaming their heads off at each other, angry, and THEN resort to physical punishment. To me, that's more like abuse because it is unpredictable and creates instability for the child.

I don't know if this rambling makes any sense. It's not an issue I have clarity or conclusions on yet (obviously) and as I don't have any children of my own, I can't say what I'd do as a parent.

But anyways, I'm curious as to your thoughts.

-sula


Well, in a word, yes. But I'm wary when that can be taken as a license for people to beat their kids. My parents were quite strict also, but it was the threat (right word?) rather than the reality of discipline that was effective. I may have been spanked once, possibly twice, in my whole life.

But corporal punishment should never be the first resort IMO. Like hitting the kid because they're talking when you're trying to read the paper or something.

If it ain't fair, and clearly so, the kid will only grow up to hate his or her parents. And then they get old and decrepit, and all hell unfolds.
 
PS. I mean 'yes' parents should have the right to exercise corporal punishment. And 'yes' the state should have some capacity to intervene if necessary. Because extreme abuse bloody well does happen in the home, if also in public institutions.
 
Originally posted by sulawesigirl4:

My parents were always very clear about actions that would result in spanking and almost always did not distribute this punishment while in anger.

That's the key, but many parent do not have the skills to do it correctly like your parents did. I don't have any problem with corporal punishment if it's carried out properly (i.e., as you've stated it above). That said, I don't know if I'd spank my children. I'll have to wait and see.
 
I'm a big fan of spankings... Haha.. but I's slick enough to actually steal my mom's paddle back in the day.. though the ingenious spot of hiding it under my bed isn't as genius as i thought... as she found it within five minutes
 
Since my husband and I have a young son, we've often discussed which is the best method of punishment for him when the situation arises. This is never easy for any well intentioned parent!

My husband and I were raised entirely different. Whereas my husband was spanked maybe 2 times in his life, it was the mere threat of being spanked growing up that kept him in line. My parents (dad mostly) was very very strict and I was spanked or slapped or knocked around with various objects for even the littlest things. Sometimes the punishment of spanking from my father was justified, but most of the time it was plain abusive and it took me many years to get over it. When I was a child I was afraid of what kind of punishment I'd receive more than I was in disappointing my parents.

Every child wants to please his or her parents, just as *most* parents want to do right by their child. In many cases where a child does something that disappoints the parents, the fear of having the parents mad at him can have as much of an affect on the child's reaction to the whole situation more than the actual physical punishment.

Every child is different, so it's a matter of applying different appropriate punishment tactics according to situation.

My brother used the "time-out" method on his son for all punishments and this method worked well. Sometimes. In severe cases where the time-out method was used, his son found a way to easy manipulate the situation and he'd turn right back around and do whatever it was that got him in trouble in the first place. I knew that when I had a son and saw his personality develop, the time out method wouldn't cut it.

For my son, I admit I have spanked him a few times in severe situations where I felt corporal punishment was necessary. It was really all I needed to do those few times, as now my son has a fair idea of what pisses me off, so he isn't likely to commit the same childlike crimes again. I think what really gets my son the most when he does something wrong is that he knows he's disapointed me and that he made me angry. He doesn't say "don't spank me" but he cries, apologizes, and now that we can communicate we talk over what happened and why it shouldn't happen again. This seems to work for all of us, as a resolve is found much quicker through explaining cause and effect, yet keeping firm that what he did made me very angry and disapointed.

Basically I feel corporal punishment is warranted in the most severe of situations - but more importantly the punishment should not stop with a smack on the butt. It may be called "laying the guilt trip" on my child, but I find that it's important to let him know that what he did made me very angry and that I am disappointed in his behavior and that it ultimately makes me sad (small kids in the developmental stages have a grip on the basic emotions: happy, sad, mad) To follow up on that it's important for my piece of mind (as well as his) to come to a resolve. Whether it means me making him clean up his mess after he's thrown things around during a tantrum because he didn't get his way, or simply talking about how wrong his actions were and how they effect other people around him, the resolve is the most important factor in a punishment.

It may be a swat on the butt or a slap on the wrist or a stern talking to, but any kind of punishment no matter what the person's age and no matter what the resolve is, should be constructive.
 
thanks for that very well-written post, adam's mistress. I must agree with you that punishment MUST be constructive and also that it must be tailored to the individual. What worked to curb my naughtiness did not help curb my brother's, etc. We are all unique.
 
I don't think I'd ever do it. Under the circumstances that might warrant a spanking, I'd be extremely angry, and hitting a child when one is angry is a bad idea. That's just my opinion though.
 
Originally posted by adam's_mistress:
Every child is different, so it's a matter of applying different appropriate punishment tactics according to situation.
I agree
I also agree that corporal punishment should never be issued out of anger
I guess it's very difficult though

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i don't know...i would never spank my kids, i just think talking the problem out would be more effective. (me, ever the psychologist lol) but i don't look down on people for spanking their kids. the only thing that bugs me is when parents spank their children in public. generally, i've found it to look embarassing for the parent and child, and usually unnecessary. it's like the child is crying out of control and they slap them. this is just my opinion but i'd think it'd be more effective to take them outside or to the bathroom to try to calm them down. hitting them would only make them cry more, imho.
but like i said, it's only my opinion and of course i think everyone's entitled to their own, even if they disagree with me.

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Bring back corporal punishment in schools, thats what I say. Bring back the cane and thrash the well-deserving hides.
smile.gif


I'm perfectly serious, not only is spanking or physically reprimanding a child once in a while (like twice in childhood) beneficial, but it should be widely recognised as such. Sometimes kids can not be reasoned with. I should know, I was one nasty little shit.

Ant.
 
I see spanking children as a sign of weakness and ignorance.

There are always alternatives, but if you don't take the time and effort to find out about them, spanking is the easy solution - yes, easy, even if it makes you feel bad.

So many people here talk about human rights in other contexts, but why have we as a society decided that in the case of spanking, children's rights are worth less? Why do we subject our most vulnerable fellow humans to a humiliating and painful punishment which would land us in prison if we tried it on adults? Because children can be impossible to reason with? Or just because we can?

Tell me this, at which age would you stop spanking your child? If your 6-foot son misbehaved at age 16, would you still attempt to spank him? No? Afraid that he might hit back?

As for not hitting a child in anger, that's fine, but do you seriously believe that waiting until you have calmed down (or Daddy gets home) and then hitting your child in cold blood is better?

I think we all need to face up to the fact that many, many parents do not feel the need to spank their children, and that doesn't necessarily mean that they let their children do as they please. These parents may either be blessed with an "easy" child, or they have in fact taken the time to read books, listen to radio programmes or even consult experts on how to handle children. These parents are showing maturity and devotion to their children.

Now, I'm not saying that parents who spank their children don't love them, all I'm saying is that they're not trying hard enough. So you have a "difficult" child? Is that your child's fault? Some children seem to be born that way, and others are created due to their parents' incompetence, but in either case it makes no sense to spank that behaviour out of the child. Parents need to examine the source of the problem and deal with that instead.

Saying, "This hurts me more than it hurts you" may ring true, but in fact it's just a way of making the parent feel better about having failed again. It's a nice little mantra you can repeat to yourself and your child in order to justify your actions.

Certainly, there are many other ways of abusing children, including ignoring them or yelling at them, but let's stick to the topic at hand - people hitting their children. Whether you call it spanking or smacking or something else, it's physical violence, and it's humiliation. And I'm not even talking about the parents who spank their two-year-olds with various implements because they are "smart" and "know better". Just your average garden-variety end-of-their-rope parent.

To those parents who say that they only use spanking as a last resort, I want to pose this question: If spanking is the last resort, what do you do if that doesn't work? I find it frightening to think that there are parents out there who honestly believe that they have exhausted all possible options once they have used time-out, a couple of warnings or yelling. If that's the case, you're not doing your job to the best of your ability, and for the sake of your child you should educate yourself more.

Apart from the argument "It's the only thing that works, sometimes", another one you hear often is "I was spanked, and I turned out just fine". Well, in my not so humble opinion, the only way you were spanked and turned out fine is if you don't spank your own children because you have decided to do better than your own parents.

Finally, let's look at Sweden where hitting your children in any way has been banned for some 20 years. Have the Swedes since then raised a generation of problem children, thugs and losers? I think not. So it is in fact possible to raise perfectly well-adjusted citizens without resorting to violence. And if that's the case, why do parents in many other countries still resort to this kind of abuse? I think it goes back to what I said in the beginning - ignorance.

Parents, please take the time and effort to educate yourselves. There are other and better ways.
 
Originally posted by Klodomir:
I see spanking children as a sign of weakness and ignorance.

There are always alternatives, but if you don't take the time and effort to find out about them, spanking is the easy solution - yes, easy, even if it makes you feel bad.

So many people here talk about human rights in other contexts, but why have we as a society decided that in the case of spanking, children's rights are worth less? Why do we subject our most vulnerable fellow humans to a humiliating and painful punishment which would land us in prison if we tried it on adults? Because children can be impossible to reason with? Or just because we can?

Tell me this, at which age would you stop spanking your child? If your 6-foot son misbehaved at age 16, would you still attempt to spank him? No? Afraid that he might hit back?

As for not hitting a child in anger, that's fine, but do you seriously believe that waiting until you have calmed down (or Daddy gets home) and then hitting your child in cold blood is better?

I think we all need to face up to the fact that many, many parents do not feel the need to spank their children, and that doesn't necessarily mean that they let their children do as they please. These parents may either be blessed with an "easy" child, or they have in fact taken the time to read books, listen to radio programmes or even consult experts on how to handle children. These parents are showing maturity and devotion to their children.

Now, I'm not saying that parents who spank their children don't love them, all I'm saying is that they're not trying hard enough. So you have a "difficult" child? Is that your child's fault? Some children seem to be born that way, and others are created due to their parents' incompetence, but in either case it makes no sense to spank that behaviour out of the child. Parents need to examine the source of the problem and deal with that instead.

Saying, "This hurts me more than it hurts you" may ring true, but in fact it's just a way of making the parent feel better about having failed again. It's a nice little mantra you can repeat to yourself and your child in order to justify your actions.

Certainly, there are many other ways of abusing children, including ignoring them or yelling at them, but let's stick to the topic at hand - people hitting their children. Whether you call it spanking or smacking or something else, it's physical violence, and it's humiliation. And I'm not even talking about the parents who spank their two-year-olds with various implements because they are "smart" and "know better". Just your average garden-variety end-of-their-rope parent.

To those parents who say that they only use spanking as a last resort, I want to pose this question: If spanking is the last resort, what do you do if that doesn't work? I find it frightening to think that there are parents out there who honestly believe that they have exhausted all possible options once they have used time-out, a couple of warnings or yelling. If that's the case, you're not doing your job to the best of your ability, and for the sake of your child you should educate yourself more.

Apart from the argument "It's the only thing that works, sometimes", another one you hear often is "I was spanked, and I turned out just fine". Well, in my not so humble opinion, the only way you were spanked and turned out fine is if you don't spank your own children because you have decided to do better than your own parents.

Finally, let's look at Sweden where hitting your children in any way has been banned for some 20 years. Have the Swedes since then raised a generation of problem children, thugs and losers? I think not. So it is in fact possible to raise perfectly well-adjusted citizens without resorting to violence. And if that's the case, why do parents in many other countries still resort to this kind of abuse? I think it goes back to what I said in the beginning - ignorance.

Parents, please take the time and effort to educate yourselves. There are other and better ways.

Klodomir you've brought up some really good points and I respect your opinion - but also remember that no parent no matter how hard they try, is never perfect. I don't know if you have children, but the only way to truly pass judgement on parents (as you did by calling them "ignorant") is to walk a mile in their shoes. Parents can look to books and professionals for guidance, but books as well as professionals are not privvy to every child's behavioral patterns 24/7.

I cannot strongly reiterate enough that every child is different, as is every parent. I've seen children get away with murder, children who are not reprimanded either verbally (or physically) and resort to hitting their parents, destroying their surroundings (ever see a kid start throwing stuff in a public place because he didn't get his way?) or resort to manipulation (the parents' fault for giving in "I'll give you a piece of candy if you stop behaving badly." Is the child the boss in these types of situations, or is it the parents' duty to restore order? I've seen parents who weren't strict enough, and many more parents were were too keen on spanking the crap out of their kids. Somewhere in the mix there has to be balance, and as any parent would agree, the punishment doled out should cater to the needs of both parent and child.

Children are smarter than we think, and by the age of 1 year old are already exploring the avenue of cause and effect. It is part of their social development to "test" or "push their parents' buttons" Though I don't think a child should be spanked out of anger and definitely not swatted in public places, in some extreme cases according to child corporal punishment is necessary. Kids at young ages, namely before 7-10 years old, simply do not have the social skills needed to reason with adults in situations where any kind of punishment is inevitable. Does this mean that a parent should automatically strike their child? Of course not. Does this mean a parent should give the child a nasty glare and hope he doesn't make the same mistake again? Absolutely not!

To break it down, parenting is trial and error. Either way it will affect the child in some degree from the most minute to the most severe. There needs to be balance, and that's not something that can be found in the pages of Dr. Spock, but in first hand experience only.

You make it seem as though every good intentioned parent who swats their kids on rare occasion is an evil, ignorant, abuse monger who is in dire need of anger management counseling. This is simply not the case, and I for one feel I'm a good parent (though I know I've made mistakes along the way - everyone does.) Unless you know the parent and the child or have seen first hand how they can or cannot diplomatically handle a situation where punishment may be part of the resolve, you have no right to pass judgement.
 
i thought i should say a little bit more than "exactly," lol.

i don't know...i mean i know about trouble kids, trust me i do. i may not have any, but i've been a babysitter and i've watched some kids who i swear are the devil incarnate. some kids aren't used to hearing no, maybe it's something having nothing to do with the problem at hand. i'm sure all of us have blown up at someone over something trivial, only to later realise that we were upset about something else, and that incident sparked our temper.
i just think it would be a lot easier to talk things out with your child instead of just smacking them. it doesn't solve anything, and sometimes even after the physical wounds have healed, emotional wounds lie deeper and may never heal.
i'm not saying everyone who spanks their kids are horrible parents, but have all the options really been explored? i understand no parent is perfect, and although millions of books have been published on almost every problem a parent could encounter, every situation is different, so even if your problem is explained in some book, it may not apply to your situation. all i'm saying is, maybe talking the problem out with your child instead of immediately spanking them or threatening to spank them.

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adam's_mistress, thanks for your well-written reply. I, too, respect your opinion, but I stand by mine. Let me address some of the things you wrote.

Originally posted by adam's_mistress:
Klodomir you've brought up some really good points and I respect your opinion - but also remember that no parent no matter how hard they try, is never perfect.
I would never claim that it is possible to be the perfect parent, but I believe that it is every parent's responsibility to be the best parent they can be, and I think that spanking - even if it makes you feel bad - is the "easy" way out.
Parents can look to books and professionals for guidance, but books as well as professionals are not privvy to every child's behavioral patterns 24/7.
Unless you know the parent and the child or have seen first hand how they can or cannot diplomatically handle a situation where punishment may be part of the resolve, you have no right to pass judgement.
I disagree. You see, as I stated in my first post, the whole pro-spanking argument hangs on "you don't know my child", and that's just not good enough. Let me use an extreme example to illustrate - with the disclaimer that I'm not saying that it's the same thing, or insinuating anything about anyone: There are people in this world who have sex with their children and claim that their children like it, so it should be nobody's business. There is no blood-test in the world that can prove that incest is bad for children, so should we just sit back and trust those people when they say that they know their children better than we do? Similarly, there is no way of physically proving that spanking is bad for children, but does that mean that it should just be accepted, especially when we can see that millions of parents don't do it and raise perfectly fine children?

The proof of the pudding is in the countries where spanking is forbidden by law. That option has been taken away from them, so they have to pursue other avenues - they have to try a bit harder.

Now, I completely agree with what you said about manipulation and how some parents give in, but at the end you seem to equal no spankings to out-of-control behaviour, and that simply inaccurate.
Children are smarter than we think, and by the age of 1 year old are already exploring the avenue of cause and effect. It is part of their social development to "test" or "push their parents' buttons"
I'm guessing that you're not saying that 1-year-olds should be spanked, but if you do, please let me know, and I'll address that later. But let me say this - yes, kids "push their parents' buttons", we all know that, but it's the parents' responsibility to keep their heads cool. Think about it, if you have brothers and sisters, or if you have more than one child, how many times have you heard or said, "Now, X, you're older and bigger than Y, so you have to act responsibly." Well, in the case of parents, how much older an bigger can you get? Parents are the most important role model to young children, and which lesson would you rather be teaching them? "Aha, so if I'm mad at someone, I can just hit them!", or "If I'm mad at someone, I can take their privileges away/argue with them/leave them alone to consider the error of their ways etc. etc."?

Of course, parents need to be able to lay down the law sometimes. At some point you get sick of explaining the same thing over and over again, and a good "Because I said so!" never hurt anyone. But a spanking is still unnecessary. I think parents who can discipline their child in other, more appropriate ways show much more strength of character than someone who has to resort to physical punishment of a person much smaller than themselves.
Kids at young ages, namely before 7-10 years old, simply do not have the social skills needed to reason with adults in situations where any kind of punishment is inevitable.
I really don't understand what you're saying here. You were just telling us about how smart children as young as 1 year old are, and now schoolchildren can't be reasoned with? Of course they can. But sometimes they just won't accept what you're saying, and that's when parents have the right to lay down the law, as I previously stated. But maybe we misunderstood each other. I talked about parents reasoning with kids, you talk about kids reasoning with parents. I wasn't referring to children's ability to talk their way out of punishment, but to parents' responsibility.
There needs to be balance, and that's not something that can be found in the pages of Dr. Spock, but in first hand experience only.
Agreed, but I still believe that it is every parent's responsibility to educate him- or herself. Just copying what one's own parents did is not the way. You live and learn.
You make it seem as though every good intentioned parent who swats their kids on rare occasion is an evil, ignorant, abuse monger who is in dire need of anger management counseling.
I really think that that is an unfair statement, but please quote back to me where I implied that. In the meantime, I'll quote myself:
Originally posted by Klodomir:
Now, I'm not saying that parents who spank their children don't love them, all I'm saying is that they're not trying hard enough.
In closing, let me say that I have no doubt that you are a good parent, but as I said above, we all live and learn (hopefully). It worries me that most parents are willing to admit to insecurities about many other aspects of child-rearing, but you never hear anyone expressing doubts about whether they are doing the right thing when they spank their children. That suggests to me that they are not thinking about it enough. Seeking information and advice is a good thing in any area of life, but especially when someone else's life is in your hands.
 
KhanadaRhodes, I also wanted to thank you for your replies. I see we agree.
Originally posted by KhanadaRhodes:
i just think it would be a lot easier to talk things out with your child instead of just smacking them.
Well, maybe not easier, but certainly better.
 
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