It's Official: Preminitions

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Christina Aguilera will be rushed to the hospital for an emergency operation, but will almost die on the table when doctors realize that no amount of swabbing will make her clean for surgery.
 
The US becomes the first nation to successfully clone a human being. However, Iraqis contest this fact as they've been cloning Saddam for years.
 
Pornography finally gets accepted into the mainstream when the Academy Award for Best Actor goes to Long Dong Hanks
 
Penguins will begin having senior proms, but will surprisingly still rent tuxes
 
Scott Stapp stops wearing leather pants and changes to Dockers. This causes people to say "hey, nice pants", instead of "hey, you're a douchebag".
 
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Scientists will discover the reason for the Loch Ness monster's seclusion. It doesn't like Scottish people
 
With every conceivable name being exhausted, all hurricanes will be called That Filthy Wet Son of a Bitch!
 
The Folger's commercial couple will finally give in to their adulterous desires, in an attempt to sway the demographic of guys that are aroused by coffee commercials... however, Folgers is outcompeted by a commercial that portrays Penelope Cruz drinking Nescaf? and then passing gas.
 
The old adage that "guns don't kill people, people kill people" is forever deemed invalid when a woman gives birth to a gun and it grows up and stabs her
 
Incredibly, a priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk actually find themselves on a crashing plane that has only one parachute. Ironically, that parachute has been packed by a Polish guy and will contain only camping equipment
 
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Flags across the nation will fly at half-mast for America's new holiday - half-mast day
 
Scandal rocks the world of rap music when Sir Mix-A-Lot admits he lied and actually doesn't like big butts
 
Rather than waste time with an office visit, Jennifer Lopez sends her gynecologist a copy of her latest video
 
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Terrorism experts reveal that dirty bombs are just regular bombs that just enjoy sleeping with high school chicks
 
Tired of being the subject of dirty limiricks, the old man from Nantucket will move to a new town called 'Coral Sex'
 
Oprah Winfrey will be elected as the first female President of the United States, appointing Dr. Phil as her Secretary of the Obvious, and Steadman as first-lady.
 
Bad Religion Releases Their First Album in 20-some-odd Years Where The Majority of the Fanbase Doesn't Require a Dictionary To Understand the Lyrics
 
U.S. President George W. Bush Finally Learns that 'Nuclear' Contains only Two Sylables
 
AOL/Time Warner Buys Disney and No One is Left To Complain About A Monopoly
 
T.V. Guides Start Printing Schedules Based on Commercials Once The Amount of Advertisement per Show Surpasses the 7 Minutes of Movie, 7 Minutes of Commerical Balance
 
Heinz Scraps Plans To Add Yellow Ketchup in their Line of Fun-Ketchups (Previously Just Purple and Green in Nifty EZ-Squirt Bottles) Because Focus Groups Say it Too Closely Resembles Mustard
 
Studies Show Only A Small Percentage of School-Age Children In The U.S. Know The Term 'Oligarchy;' Sprite Follows 7-UP's Example And Sets Out To Forge It's Own Name, Free From The Coca-Cola Monarchy*. Related News: arw9797 Launches a Campaign To Ban The Distribution of Sierra Mist From All Minnesota Vending Machines


*intentional mistake
 
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Many Years of Doing Knee-Slides in Concert Cause Bruce Springsteen to Develop a Rare and Unusual Knee Condition, Baffling Specialists Nation-wide
 
U2's The Edge Sued By Motorola After his 2001 Grammy Award Speech Detailing Improvements in Technology; The Disposable Mobile Phone Was Still in the Prototype Stage, Which Angered Many High-Ranking C.E.O.s "This is still only in the beginning stages of development, and it was against company policy to speak publicly about such technologies," said the executive of the Motorola offices in Maryland. How the 39-year-old guitarist knew about said technology, one can only speculate.

Lenghty Court Proceedings Nullify Charges: By the Time the Case Made it to Trial the Then 'New' Technology Had Become Outdated
 
Acme Fireworks Company Plans to Sell Special Fireworks With U2 Fans as the Target Costumers. Instead of your typical "KABOOM," these special limited edition exploives go "kaboooomCHA."
 
Jerry Springer will make a desperate attempt at respectability when he cancels his show on 'big breasted nympho chearleaders" and replaces it with 'big breasted nympho ecconomists"
 
Chizip makes an impromptu appearance on the Jerry Springer Show
 
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