True Office Stories/Regulations
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
2. What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
4. This project is so important; we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
6. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
7. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
9.We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.
10. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
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Dirty Rabbit
Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit.
For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it's cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower.
Upon finishing it's grooming I hopped the fence and replaced back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as "natural causes".
Back to the hammock and my JD.
Within the hour the neighbor's Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"
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Comparing Sexes
WOMEN:
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold
happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
Women wait by the phone for a "safe-at-home call" from a friend after a
snowy drive home.
They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, Biker
babes, and your neighbors.
They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up against injustice.
They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools
and for getting their family the right health care.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.
They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to
use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends and themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when
they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
They live in homes, apartments and cabins.
They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about
you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
And all they want back is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same for
people you come in contact with
MEN:
Men are good at lifting heavy shit
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How To Clean Your Mouse
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious, but the engineers rolled on the floor:
"Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
"Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."
[This message has been edited by ACROB@T (edited 12-01-2001).]
