ACROB@T
I serve MacPhisto
- Joined
- Feb 14, 2001
- Messages
- 2,569
christiana I need your e-mail to post you about that offer
and Mcool your e-mail is cranky
..is it definatly mocoo12@aol.com??
I'll leave my addy in case achtungacrobat@yahoo.co.uk
oh, yeah, need to post something enlightening, and keep those at work occupied
.....
Top 10 Ways to
Freak-Out Your Co-Workers
10. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
9. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
8. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
7. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
6. Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
5. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
4. Sneak up behind some engrossed in their work screaming, "DISK FIGHT!!!" and bop them on the head with a disk.
3. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
2. Get a pair of 3-d glasses. Wobble around while walking and keep yelling, "Whoa, that looked so real!"
1. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you
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Top 10
Drinking Symptoms
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; lash self to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic
dedicated to mikal
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Top 10
Dumbest Criminals
10. Strike one!
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
9. "Hello? Guns for hire?"
Arizona: A company called "Guns for Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
8. Say cheese!
A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
7. Drop everything and run!
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
6. Just forget it
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
5. Ouch
A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help . . .
4. Let's do a little math
A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
3. I know I forgot something
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
2. You mean me?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
1. The Hefty-bag
A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.
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Top 10
Weirdest Statements
(Made by prospective employees during an interview)
10. "Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."
9. "People are always watching me."
8. "My legs are really hairy."
7. "I think I'm going to throw up."
6. "I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement."
5. "I feel uneasy indoors."
4. "Sometimes I feel like smashing things."
3. "I get excited very easily."
2. "At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."
1. "I am fascinated by fire."
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Top 10 Ways to
Keep Wackiness in the Workplace
10. Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.
9. Schedule meetings for 4:14 PM.
8. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers or tape dispensers.
7. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".
5. When co-worker walks by motion him over, lean forward as if you are about to say something then go back to work.
4. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."
2. Include a personal note on every email that you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."
1. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
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Top 10 Worst Things
to See on Your Performance Evaluation
(Real excerpts from performance evaluations)
10. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
9. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
8. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
4. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
3. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
1. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
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Top 20
Completely Useless Inventions
20. Non stick Cellotape
19. Solar Powered Flash Light (torch)
18. A black highlighter pen
17. Glow in the dark sunglasses
16. Inflatable Anchor
15. Smooth Sandpaper
14. Waterproof sponge
13. Waterproof Teabags
12. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
11. Fireproof Matches
10. Fireproof Cigarettes
9. Battery powered Battery Charger
8. Seatbelts for Motorbikes
7. Hand powered Chainsaw
6. Inflatable Dartboard
5. Silent Alarm Clock
4. A Pedal powered wheelchair
3. Braille Drivers Manual
2. Double sided playing cards
1. Ejector seats for Helicopters
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Top 20 Funniest
Newspaper Classifieds
(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)
20. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
19. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
18. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
17. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
16. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
15. Great Dames for sale.
14. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
13. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
12. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
11. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
10. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
9. Man, honest. Will take anything.
8. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
7. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating
5. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
4. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
3. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
2. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
1. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
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Top 36 Funniest
Newspaper Headlines
36. Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
35. Queen Mary having bottom scraped
34. NJ judge to rule on nude beach
33. Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
32. Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
31. Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
30. Dealers will hear car talk at noon
29. Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
28. Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
27. Cold wave linked to temperatures
26. Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
25. Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
24. Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
23. Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
22. William Kelly was fed secretary
21. Milk drinkers are turning to powder
20. Farmer bill dies in house
19. Iraqi head seeks arms
18. Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
17. Miners refuse to work after death
16. If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
15. War dims hope for peace
14. Child's death ruins couple's holiday
13. Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
12. Man is fatally slain
11. Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
10. Eye drops off shelf
9. Squad helps dog bite victim
8. Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
7. Never withhold herpes from loved one
6. Child's stool great for use in garden
5. Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
4. Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
3. Prostitutes appeal to Pope
2. Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
1. Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
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Top 24 Funniest Signs
Seen in the USA
24. In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
23. In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
22. In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
21. On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
20. On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
19. At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
18. On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"
17. Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
16. In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
15. In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
14. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
13. On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
12. In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
11. In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
10. On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."
9. At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
8. In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
7. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. -- Sisters of Mercy"
6. In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
5. A parking sign in front of a Boston meditation center: "Visualize Being Towed."
4. On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
3. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
2. In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
1. On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
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Top 24 Things
You Woudn't Know Without the Movies
24. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
23. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
22. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
21. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
20. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
19. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
18. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
17. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
16. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
15. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
13. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
11. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
10. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
9. An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
8. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
7. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
5. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
4. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
3. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
2. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade -- at any time of the year.
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Top 40 Things to do
While in an Elevator
40. Make racecar noises when anyone gets on or off.
39. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
38. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
37. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
36. Bring a chair along.
35. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
34. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
33. Do Tai Chi exercises.
32. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
31. Meow occasionally.
30. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
29. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
28. Play the harmonica.
27. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
26. Lean against the button panel.
25. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
24. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
23. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other people "through" it.
22. Start a sing-along.
21. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
20. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
19. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
18. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
17. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
16. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
15. One word: Flatulence!
14. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, darn motion sickness!"
13. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
12. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
10. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
9. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, blasted, all of you just shut UP!""
8. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
7. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
6. Wear "x-ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
5. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
4. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
3. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
2. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
1. Draw a little square on the floor and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
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Top 40
Funny Foreign Signs
40. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
39. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
38. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
37. A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
36. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
35. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.
34. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
33. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
32. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
31. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
30. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
29. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
28. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
27. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
26. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
25. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
24. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
23. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
22. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
21. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
20. In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
19. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
18. In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such things, please do not read notis.
17. In a Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
16. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
15. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
14. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
13. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
12. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
11. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
10. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
9. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
8. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
7. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
6. From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
5. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
4. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
3. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time, we regret that you will be unbearable.
2. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
1. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
and Mcool your e-mail is cranky
I'll leave my addy in case achtungacrobat@yahoo.co.uk
oh, yeah, need to post something enlightening, and keep those at work occupied
Top 10 Ways to
Freak-Out Your Co-Workers
10. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
9. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
8. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
7. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
6. Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
5. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
4. Sneak up behind some engrossed in their work screaming, "DISK FIGHT!!!" and bop them on the head with a disk.
3. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
2. Get a pair of 3-d glasses. Wobble around while walking and keep yelling, "Whoa, that looked so real!"
1. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you
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Top 10
Drinking Symptoms
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; lash self to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic
dedicated to mikal
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Top 10
Dumbest Criminals
10. Strike one!
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
9. "Hello? Guns for hire?"
Arizona: A company called "Guns for Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
8. Say cheese!
A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
7. Drop everything and run!
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
6. Just forget it
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
5. Ouch
A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help . . .
4. Let's do a little math
A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
3. I know I forgot something
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
2. You mean me?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
1. The Hefty-bag
A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.
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Top 10
Weirdest Statements
(Made by prospective employees during an interview)
10. "Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."
9. "People are always watching me."
8. "My legs are really hairy."
7. "I think I'm going to throw up."
6. "I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement."
5. "I feel uneasy indoors."
4. "Sometimes I feel like smashing things."
3. "I get excited very easily."
2. "At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."
1. "I am fascinated by fire."
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Top 10 Ways to
Keep Wackiness in the Workplace
10. Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.
9. Schedule meetings for 4:14 PM.
8. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers or tape dispensers.
7. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".
5. When co-worker walks by motion him over, lean forward as if you are about to say something then go back to work.
4. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."
2. Include a personal note on every email that you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."
1. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
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Top 10 Worst Things
to See on Your Performance Evaluation
(Real excerpts from performance evaluations)
10. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
9. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
8. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
4. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
3. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
1. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
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Top 20
Completely Useless Inventions
20. Non stick Cellotape
19. Solar Powered Flash Light (torch)
18. A black highlighter pen
17. Glow in the dark sunglasses
16. Inflatable Anchor
15. Smooth Sandpaper
14. Waterproof sponge
13. Waterproof Teabags
12. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
11. Fireproof Matches
10. Fireproof Cigarettes
9. Battery powered Battery Charger
8. Seatbelts for Motorbikes
7. Hand powered Chainsaw
6. Inflatable Dartboard
5. Silent Alarm Clock
4. A Pedal powered wheelchair
3. Braille Drivers Manual
2. Double sided playing cards
1. Ejector seats for Helicopters
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Top 20 Funniest
Newspaper Classifieds
(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)
20. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
19. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
18. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
17. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
16. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
15. Great Dames for sale.
14. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
13. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
12. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
11. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
10. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
9. Man, honest. Will take anything.
8. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
7. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating
5. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
4. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
3. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
2. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
1. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
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Top 36 Funniest
Newspaper Headlines
36. Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
35. Queen Mary having bottom scraped
34. NJ judge to rule on nude beach
33. Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
32. Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
31. Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
30. Dealers will hear car talk at noon
29. Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
28. Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
27. Cold wave linked to temperatures
26. Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
25. Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
24. Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
23. Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
22. William Kelly was fed secretary
21. Milk drinkers are turning to powder
20. Farmer bill dies in house
19. Iraqi head seeks arms
18. Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
17. Miners refuse to work after death
16. If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
15. War dims hope for peace
14. Child's death ruins couple's holiday
13. Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
12. Man is fatally slain
11. Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
10. Eye drops off shelf
9. Squad helps dog bite victim
8. Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
7. Never withhold herpes from loved one
6. Child's stool great for use in garden
5. Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
4. Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
3. Prostitutes appeal to Pope
2. Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
1. Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
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Top 24 Funniest Signs
Seen in the USA
24. In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
23. In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
22. In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
21. On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
20. On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
19. At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
18. On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"
17. Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
16. In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
15. In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
14. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
13. On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
12. In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
11. In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
10. On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."
9. At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
8. In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
7. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. -- Sisters of Mercy"
6. In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
5. A parking sign in front of a Boston meditation center: "Visualize Being Towed."
4. On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
3. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
2. In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
1. On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
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Top 24 Things
You Woudn't Know Without the Movies
24. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
23. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
22. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
21. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
20. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
19. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
18. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
17. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
16. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
15. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
13. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
11. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
10. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
9. An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
8. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
7. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
5. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
4. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
3. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
2. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade -- at any time of the year.
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Top 40 Things to do
While in an Elevator
40. Make racecar noises when anyone gets on or off.
39. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
38. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
37. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
36. Bring a chair along.
35. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
34. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
33. Do Tai Chi exercises.
32. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
31. Meow occasionally.
30. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
29. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
28. Play the harmonica.
27. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
26. Lean against the button panel.
25. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
24. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
23. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other people "through" it.
22. Start a sing-along.
21. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
20. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
19. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
18. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
17. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
16. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
15. One word: Flatulence!
14. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, darn motion sickness!"
13. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
12. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
10. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
9. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, blasted, all of you just shut UP!""
8. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
7. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
6. Wear "x-ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
5. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
4. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
3. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
2. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
1. Draw a little square on the floor and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
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Top 40
Funny Foreign Signs
40. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
39. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
38. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
37. A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
36. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
35. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.
34. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
33. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
32. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
31. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
30. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
29. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
28. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
27. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
26. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
25. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
24. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
23. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
22. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
21. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
20. In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
19. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
18. In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such things, please do not read notis.
17. In a Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
16. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
15. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
14. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
13. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
12. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
11. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
10. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
9. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
8. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
7. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
6. From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
5. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
4. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
3. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time, we regret that you will be unbearable.
2. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
1. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
