The Monty Python Movies Thread

The friendliest place on the web for anyone that follows U2.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.

DaveC

Blue Crack Addict
Joined
Aug 16, 2002
Messages
23,167
Location
the killerwhaletank
Here's the deal. We're going through MP movies one at a time, starting with the Holy Grail, then Life of Brian and finally Meaning of Life. I'll start.

MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL
Scene 1

[opening music]
[wind]
[clop clop clop]

KING ARTHUR:
Whoa there!
[clop clop clop]
 
Holy Grail . . . . Best.Movie.Ever :bow:

SOLDIER #1:
Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR:
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
SOLDIER #1:
Pull the other one!
ARTHUR:
I am,... and this is my trusty servant Patsy.
 
I absolutely love the Meaning of Life and the skit- "can I ave your liver?" and then the guy jumps out of the fridge and sings about the whole grand expanse of the universive and how infinite we all are- very funny stuff:wink:
 
ARTHUR: We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

SOLDIER #1: What? Ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR: Yes!

SOLDIER #1: You're using coconuts!

ARTHUR: What?

SOLDIER #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.

ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--

SOLDIER #1: Where'd you get the coconuts?

ARTHUR: We found them.

SOLDIER #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!


:applaud:

Love this thread DaveC :D
 
"..come back and fight , you coward.."

Monty Python :heart: :applaud:
quite often my life feels like one big Monty Python skit :laugh: :applaud:
 
e.g.
King of Swamp Castle: When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what you're going to get, Lad, the strongest castle in all of England

"..a mere flesh wound.."

we regularly have the 3 questions here too :lmao:
"what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
What do you mean? An African or a European swallow?"


back to the Black Knight :laugh:..."what are you gonna do, bleed on me?....
come back here and takes what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off..."

:lmao:...someone stop me :help:


Peasant 1: Build a bridge out of her.
Sir Bedevere: But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 1: Oh yeah.
Sir Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?
Peasant 1: No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!
Sir Bedevere: No, no. What else floats in water?
Peasant 1: Bread.
Peasant 2: Apples.
Peasant 3: Very small rocks.
Peasant 1: Cider.
Peasant 2: Gravy.
Peasant 3: Cherries.
Peasant 1: Mud.
Peasant 2: Churches.
Peasant 3: Lead! Lead!
King Arthur: A Duck.
Sir Bedevere: ...Exactly. So, logically...
Peasant 1: If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.
Sir Bedevere: And therefore...
Peasant 2: ...A witch!


**blames Dave**
 
did monty python start that? the many uses...?
I find I use the complete sentence quite often lately,
fuck the fucking fuckers

:silent:
 
Originally posted by cass
fuck the fucking fuckers

:lmao:

The Vagina Song

Some of them are hairy
Some of them are bald
Some are kinda scary
And this is what they're called
Vagina, vagina
Vagina, vagina

They call that thing
Vagina

Some belong to virgins
They're really tight and strong
But bigger or small
I love them all
That's why I sing my song

Vagina, Vagina
Vagina, Vagina

They call that thing
Vagina


Well... I guess that was it.. hehe...

Niiiiii!!!!!!!!!

:lmao:
 
ARTHUR: What do you mean?
GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house
martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these
are not strangers to our land.
GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a
simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not
carry a 1 pound coconut.
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your
master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a
swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
ARTHUR: Please!
GUARD #1: Am I right?
ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
swallow, that's my point.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
at Camelot?!
GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
[clop clop]
GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it
together?
GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
GUARD #2: Well, why not?
 
I just remembered....

I went to see Eric Idle last December. He was touring with his 'Greedy Basterd Tour'. I was standing in line to buy a t-shirt when all of a sudden the guy, standing right behind, started singing in a soft voice 'sit on my face and tell me that you love me'. :ohmy:

I did not turn around
I did not turn around
I did not turn around
 
:lmao: :shocked: :laugh: LOL @ FAH!!! You are nuts!! I would not have turned around either! ha=lol that's too funny! I love Monty Python!!! Only one I have seen Is the Holy Grail! And the TV show!! My fave: 'I don't Like Spam!":wink:
 
SCENE 2



[thud]
[clang]
CART MASTER:
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[cough cough...]
[clang]
[...cough cough]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead! Ninepence.
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out...
[rewr!]
...your dead!
[rewr!]
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER:
Here's one.
CART MASTER:
Ninepence.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm not dead!
CART MASTER:
What?
CUSTOMER:
Nothing. Here's your ninepence.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm not dead!
CART MASTER:
'Ere. He says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER:
Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm not!
CART MASTER:
He isn't?
CUSTOMER:
Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER:
No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.
CART MASTER:
Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
DEAD PERSON:
I don't want to go on the cart!
CUSTOMER:
Oh, don't be such a baby.
CART MASTER:
I can't take him.
DEAD PERSON:
I feel fine!
CUSTOMER:
Well, do us a favour.
CART MASTER:
I can't.
CUSTOMER:
Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
CART MASTER:
No, I've got to go to the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
CUSTOMER:
Well, when's your next round?
CART MASTER:
Thursday.
DEAD PERSON:
I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER:
You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can do?
DEAD PERSON: [singing]
I feel happy. I feel happy.
[whop]
CUSTOMER:
Ah, thanks very much.
CART MASTER:
Not at all. See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER:
Right. All right.
[howl]
[clop clop clop]
Who's that, then?
CART MASTER:
I dunno. Must be a king.
CUSTOMER:
Why?
CART MASTER:
He hasn't got shit all over him.
 
There are some who call me..............................Tim.

Tim-The-Enchanter.jpg
 
Scene 3 |

|___________|



[thud]

[King Arthur music]

[thud thud thud]

[King Arthur music stops]

ARTHUR: Old woman!

DENNIS: Man!

ARTHUR: Man. Sorry. What knight live in that castle over there?

DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven.

ARTHUR: I-- what?

DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.

ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.

DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.

ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.

DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

ARTHUR: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you

looked--

DENNIS: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!

ARTHUR: Well, I am king!

DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting

the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates

the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going

to be any progress with the--

WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do?

ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's

castle is that?

WOMAN: King of the who?

ARTHUR: The Britons.

WOMAN: Who are the Britons?

ARTHUR: Well, we all are. We are all Britons, and I am your king.

WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous

collective.

DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-

perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--

WOMAN: Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again.

DENNIS: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--

ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?

WOMAN: No one live there.

ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?

WOMAN: We don't have a lord.

ARTHUR: What?

DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in

turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

ARTHUR: Yes.

DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special

bi-weekly meeting--

ARTHUR: Yes, I see.

DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--

ARTHUR: Be quiet!

DENNIS: But by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--

ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

WOMAN: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.

ARTHUR: I am your king!

WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.

ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.

WOMAN: Well, how did you become king then?

ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,...

[angels sing]

...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from

the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was

to carry Excalibur.

[singing stops]

That is why I am your king!

DENNIS: Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis

for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate

from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

ARTHUR: Be quiet!

DENNIS: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just

'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

ARTHUR: Shut up!

DENNIS: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some

moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

ARTHUR: Shut up, will you. Shut up!

DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.

ARTHUR: Shut up!

DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help!

I'm being repressed!

ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!

DENNIS: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh?

That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it,

didn't you?
 
Scene 4

[King Arthur music]

[music stops]

BLACK KNIGHT: Aaaagh!

[King Arthur music]

[music stops]

BLACK KNIGHT: Aaagh!

GREEN KNIGHT: Ooh!

[King Arthur music]

[music stops]

[stab]

BLACK KNIGHT: Aagh!

GREEN KNIGHT: Oh!

[King Arthur music]

Ooh!

[music stops]

BLACK KNIGHT: Aaaagh!

[clang]

BLACK KNIGHT and GREEN KNIGHT: Agh!, oh!, etc.

GREEN KNIGHT: Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah!

[woosh]

[BLACK KNIGHT kills GREEN KNIGHT]

[thud]

[scrape]

BLACK KNIGHT: Umm!

[clop clop clop]

ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.

[pause]

I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

[pause]

I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my

court at Camelot.

[pause]

You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?

[pause]

You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.

BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.

ARTHUR: What?

BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.

ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this

bridge.

BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.

ARTHUR: I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!

BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.

ARTHUR: So be it!

ARTHUR and BLACK KNIGHT: Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc.

[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]

ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.

BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.

ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!

BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.

ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?

BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.

ARTHUR: You liar!

BLACK KNIGHT: Come on, you pansy!

[clang]

Huyah!

[clang]

Hiyaah!

[clang]

Aaaaaaaah!

[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]

ARTHUR: Victory is mine!

[kneeling]

We thank Thee Lord, that in Thy mer--

BLACK KNIGHT: Hah!

[clunk]

Come on then.

ARTHUR: What?

BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!

[kick]

ARTHUR: Eh. You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.

BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?

ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left.

BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have.

ARTHUR: Look!

BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.

[kick]

ARTHUR: Look, stop that.

BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken!

[kick]

Chickennn!

ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg.

[kick]

Right!

[whop]

[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right leg off]

BLACK KNIGHT: Right. I'll do you for that!

ARTHUR: You'll what?

BLACK KNIGHT: Come here!

ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?

BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!

ARTHUR: You're a looney.

BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then.

[whop]

[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's last leg off]

BLACK KNIGHT: Ooh. All right, we'll call it a draw.

ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.

BLACK KNIGHT: Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come

back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!


:lmao:
 
My favorite skit is "Mary, Queen of Scots:
"I think she's dead!"
"No I'm Not!!!"
and "the penguin on the telly"
"I think that penguin on top of your telly is going to explode!"
:laugh:
I loved watching the Flying Circus.
 
I've bought "The Life of Brian" DVD recently, couldn't wait to have it :drool:
And yes, "Fawlty Towers" carries so much MP spirit, there's much chance it'll win "The Battle of Britcoms" on BBC Prime. And how about "Jabberwocky"? That was the first Monty Python-ish film I'd ever seen, and it's still one of my favourite movies ever.
 
Back
Top Bottom