MLB 2006 - Spring has officially begun

[DaveC]

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/47653

Pedro Martinez Credits Success To Lucky Midget, Sun God, Magic Beads

NEW YORK—In an interview following his 200th career win Monday night, Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez said he never could have reached this milestone without the aid of his lucky midget, the Egyptian sun god Ra, and every person and thing who helped him along the way, including an enchanted necklace, former British prime minister Arthur Neville Chamberlain, and a talking whale who lives off the coast of his native Dominican Republic that only he can communicate with.

"To make it this far in this sport, it takes a whole lot of luck, and this has been provided to me by my lucky midget," Martinez said, referring to either two-foot-tall dwarf Nelson de la Rosa, who accompanied him during the Red Sox's historic World Series run in 2004, or one of the 12 other midgets whom Martinez has used as a mascot at various points during his 15-year career.

"Over the years, I've learned the secret to longevity in this game: Whenever your mechanics aren't working or your shoulder starts tightening up during starts, it's time to get a new lucky midget," said Martinez, whose midget friends have each "disappeared" following their dismissal, although Martinez's critics note that the drained corpses of midgets identified as his former good-luck charms have been found on ancient Egyptian holy sites at times coinciding with the start of spring training or immediately following prolonged slumps. "You can't rely on the same old midget for your whole career."

Martinez, who has compiled the highest winning percentage of any pitcher with at least 200 wins, claims that the main influence on his pitching style—and the most important presence in his life—is Ra, the Egyptian sun god of Heliopolis.

"Ra is always looking down on me, beaming with pride, and making me a much better pitcher—especially in day games when he casts a shadow between the mound and home plate," Martinez said. "When I point my fingers up and look skyward after a big out, I am thanking Ra for his help. Oh, and sometimes I'm asking the countenance of Juan Marichal that appears to me in the north sky what pitch I should start the next batter off with. He speaks to me through the stars."

"This is much more specific and tactical in nature than the lucky help provided by midgets," Martinez explained.

According to Martinez, the game of baseball is 90 percent mental, so even if a pitcher "summons the physical energy running through all the ley lines of the Earth," he still has to be able to outsmart hitters using good old-fashioned necromantic mind-reading.

Martinez and Nelson de la Rosa, one of his many lucky midgets.

"Sometimes, when I'm looking for that last bit of strength to strike a batter out late in the game, I'll turn to my secret weapon: a magical necklace," Martinez said, referring to a string of glowing colored beads given to him during his rookie season by someone Martinez would only describe as "a mysterious stranger who I met in the Caverns of Sorrow during a dark time in my life." "Also, when I'm in a tight, pressure-packed situation, my invincibility goggles give me the supreme, unwavering confidence I need to get out of the inning."

"And I must add that what really pumps me up is knowing that all my fans in my home planet are cheering their loudest for me," added Martinez, who is able to hear the cheers of the angelic Chiroptera of Martinez-Prime through an omniwave radio receiver installed in the metal spikes of his cleats.

Martinez, whose career ERA stands at 2.72, credits a portion of his success to his "quirky pregame rituals," which include wrapping his right arm in a poultice of live caterpillars, bathing in a tub of ice-cold buttermilk, and hoisting a midget over his head while standing in the first row of Shea Stadium's upper deck and reciting incantations from The Ancient And Accepted Scottish Rite Of Freemasonry.

"I'm very superstitious—unless all my sasquatch-tallow candles are lit in the correct order by the trained familiar-monkeys only I can see, I'm not going to be comfortable on the mound," Martinez said.

Among other reasons that Martinez believes he's been able to maintain such a consistent level of success during his career are the beneficent gaze of Azazel, the archangel that Adam has set to watch over Those Who Pitch; hard work and proper nutrition on the part of his midget; and the inspiration of growing up watching and reading about "all the greats," including I.M. Pei, Nikola Tesla, and the ancient race of star-pilots who guide the Earth in its cosmic course from their seats deep within the planet's core.

Martinez made sure to thank his fans and midgets profusely, and added that his quest for 300 career wins will be made easier by the fact that he daily places his faith and trust in his personal savior, Jesus Christ.

 

[Matt786]

he will either be a free agent this or next season with an option for this upcoming season. i dont think hes made it any secret that he wants to pitch for the cardinals someday and that someday is gonna be comin up quickly.

The White Sox have a $9.5 million option on him for next year, which they will definitely exercise. And I'm pretty confident Kenny Williams will sign him to an extension sometime during the offseason or early next season.

 

[Headache in a Suitcase]

If the Mets can play as hard as they party, they should be set for the World Series.

Unfortunately, we hear General Manager Omar Minaya isn't cheering the behavior of some players who got together recently to toast third-base coach Manny Acta.

Minaya is said to be especially vexed by pitcher Jorge Julio. According to a source, "Jorge was lying on a bar getting shots poured down his throat. People were taking pictures."

Julio wasn't alone in the revelry, but he may get the most grief. The hurler's miserable performance has prompted fans to boo him almost every time he has taken the mound at Shea. After giving up the three final runs in a loss to the Brewers last week, he admitted, "Nothing is working right now."

The bar report comes after management got the former Oriole in a trade for Kris Benson, whose mouthy sex-bomb wife, Anna, was seen as an embarrassment.

Word is Minaya phoned in his displeasure to the agents of several Mets who were at Acta's party. Asked about Julio's demeanor at the bar, his agent, Diego Bentz, told us: "I wasn't there. I don't know what to say."

Mets spokesman Jay Horowitz denied Minaya was upset. "We're aware there was a party honoring Manny Acta," he said. "We're not aware of the details you mentioned."

i kinda like armondjorge benulio now

 

[I'm Ready]

i wonder if the whitesox can get over the hill and win 9 in a row for once

 

[Numb1075]

I never want to see Victor Zambrano or Kaz Matsui suit upo for a game ever again

 

[Numb1075]

Keith Hernandez slay me:

SAN DIEGO -- Mets broadcaster Keith Hernandez's comments that women "don't belong in the dugout" drew criticism Sunday from Padres manager Bruce Bochy, who supported the female member of his training staff and said he was surprised her gender even came up.

"I won't say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don't belong in the dugout."


Hernandez made the remarks during the second inning of New York's 8-1 victory in San Diego on Saturday night. Mike Piazza homered for the Padres and exchanged a high-five in the dugout with 33-year-old Kelly Calabrese, the Padres' massage therapist.

"Who is the girl in the dugout, with the long hair?" Hernandez said. "What's going on here? You have got to be kidding me. Only player personnel in the dugout."

Hernandez found out later in the broadcast that Calabrese was with the Padres' training staff.

"I won't say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don't belong in the dugout," Hernandez said.



Bochy
"I didn't think gender was even an issue anymore."

-- Padres manager Bruce Bochy, reacting to Hernandez's comments
Hernandez, a former Mets first baseman, then laughed and said: "You know I am only teasing. I love you gals out there -- always have."

Bochy said before San Diego's 7-4 win over New York on Sunday that he did not hear firsthand what Hernandez said but was told about it -- and was not amused.

"Kelly is a part of this ballclub," Bochy said. "She's a part of the training staff. I don't know the actual comments, I just heard about it, but she's been here for a while and played a major role with this club in getting guys ready to play a ballgame.

"I didn't think gender was even an issue anymore," Bochy said.

Calabrese said she was flabbergasted by Hernandez's comments.

"It amazes me that somebody of that caliber that has obviously played the game before and is in front of an audience of millions of people would say something like that," she said of Hernandez. "It's a little shocking but you know what -- it happens.

"He not only discredited me as a person, but he discredited women," she said.

Calabrese then walked down the hallway to the Padres' training room and joked, "Should I go in the kitchen now?"

Hernandez had no comment after the game but said during the second inning of the broadcast Sunday that he was sorry if he offended anyone.

****************************************************
I think that Keith honestly didn't know that she was a trainer and belonged in the dugout. I think it was probably suprising to see a female in the dugout because it's so rare that a woman is in the dugout. I think it was an honest mistake.

But he sure is colorful !

 

[Numb1075]

Ty Wigginton is tied for first in RBIs in the AL

 

[TheBrush]

I think I want to see Kaz get one at bat per season then be deactivated til next season.

 

[Imarocker]

METS/Yankees

I might have 4 tickets to the game on July 1st that I will sell
the seats are located:
Main Box MVP 281 row C (2) + free pass to Dewars pinstripe pub
Main Box 296 row A (2)

I will know by the end of the day if they're avail & for how much.
PM if interested

 

[Headache in a Suitcase]

carlos beltran is really turning out to be a pussy.

 

[Numb1075]

someone made the comment on sports radio earlier that Beltran played at only 75% last season, played hurt often and got booed for his poor performance. So this year, he's not going out until he is 100% ready to play.

Don't know if I buy that, but it sure doesn't look good. When he's in the lineup, it lengthens the lineup and makes everyone better w/ additional protection around them. It's not a coinincidence that they can't hit for shit right now.

 

[Hewson]

carlos beltran is really turning out to be a pussy.

But as all men know, quality pussy costs a lot.

 

[Headache in a Suitcase]

by the keith hernandez theory, carlos should not be allowed in the dugout, because he's a gigantic vagina.

 

[Headache in a Suitcase]

and not for nothing... i don't know what the reasons for it are... age, steroid abuse, whatever... but barry bonds is either a terrific actor or in an incredible amount of pain. he could barely run around the bases after hitting the home run last night. there's no chance in hell he can stick around for 755. in fact i don't know if he'll even be able to get to 714 at this rate.

i would not be shocked whatsoever if bonds retired immediately after hitting number 715...

 

[Numb1075]

yeah, Bonds looks terrible when he moves.

I can see him still being able to hit but as a DH in the AL. If he were to go to the AL, I think he could still break the record.

 

[phanan]

He's faking it for sympathy...

 

[Headache in a Suitcase]

i don't think he would be welcomed in any city besides san francisco at this point... so i don't think going to the AL as a DH is a viable option for him... his image is too tarnished.

 

[speedracer]

I saw Barry Bonds rehabbing at the UCLA track once late last summer. He was doing some sort of agility drill with a buddy where he was running backwards and laterally, almost as if he was training to be a football DB. He looked reasonably mobile to me.

Whatever happened to his legs over the last 6-9 months, it's pretty severe.

 

[Headache in a Suitcase]

apparently it's just bone against bone in his knee now... his situation is so tough to figure out because of all the steroid questions. normally if a 42 year professional baseball player started breaking down physically, no one would think twice about it... but because of all the allegations surrounding bonds, it's only natural to think about the causes behind his demise.

i think it's a combo of the two factors... i think his now warning track power is due to not being on the juice anymore, but his knee issues i think is just age taking it's toll.

 

[Numb1075]

i don't think he would be welcomed in any city besides san francisco at this point... so i don't think going to the AL as a DH is a viable option for him... his image is too tarnished.

There have been other baseball players who have had tarnished images who have hooked onto other clubs: Albert Belle, Jose Canseco, Strawberry, Gooden, etc


His warning track power is probably due to 2 reasons:

A) body breaking down because he's not on 'roids

B) his knee bone on bone issue is causing him not to use his legs for power and he is relying soley on his upper body for strength.

 

[Hewson]

he is relying soley on his upper body for strength.

Maybe he should swing the bat with his ginormous head.

 

[Headache in a Suitcase]

perhaps tarnished image isn't the right word(s)... complete utter hatred may be a better phrase.

 

[Numb1075]

gotcha.

because there are also a$$holes in the other major sports who get on other teams because as long as you are good, someone will take them (Please see Latrell Spreewell & Terell Owens)

 

[Numb1075]

just looked up some of Hank Aaron's #s. I had no idea he was such a base stealer. In the middle of his career he was stealing 25-30 bases per year. He finished w/ 240.

 

[WildHoneyAlways]

apparently it's just bone against bone in his knee now...

Wilbon on PTI has been saying it's been like that for a while now.

And in other news the Sock have the best record again.

yes, yes, it's early. the complete collapse is sure to come. i'm ready for it.

 

[Chizip]

The NL Central is looking tough this year boys.

The 5th place team is 12-10

 

[WildHoneyAlways]

The NL Central is looking tough this year boys.

girls post here too. well, at least I do.

The 5th place team is 12-10

The Reds are good? i had no idea! What's going on with the cardinal this year?

 

[phanan]

The NL Central is looking tough this year boys.

The 5th place team is 12-10

Give it time. I'm sure the Cardinals will start to pull away eventually.

 

[DaveC]

The NL Central is looking tough this year boys.

The 5th place team is 12-10

And that kills the Phils' playoff hopes, cause there ain't a chance in hell anyone in the NL East is going to catch the Mets.

 

[Numb1075]

Bonds made me real nervous yesterday.

Willie gave a free pass to Bonds the previous 2 games and Moises Alou made us pay.

Then Willie decides to pitch to Bonds (pinch hitting) and he makes us pay.