mad1
ONE love, blood, life
Buahahhwhahwhahshhwhahwhhhawhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!:
*A man spent six hours in a bar before rolling home to his wife blind drunk.
?Where have you been?? she demanded.
?I?ve been to this amazing bar,? he slurred, rocking on his feet. ?Its called the Golden Saloon and everything in there is golden. At the front there are two huge golden doors, the floors are golden and even the urinals are golden.?
?What rubbish?, snapped the wife. ?I don?t believe a word of it.?
?Here,? said the husband, rummaging in his pocket for a piece of paper. ?Ring this number if you don?t believe me.?
So the following day she phoned the number on the slip of paper. ?Is this the Golden Saloon?? she asked.
?It is,? replied the bartender.
?Tell me,? said the wife, ? do you have two golden doors at the front of the building??
?Sure do,? bartender replied.
?And do you have golden floors??
?Yup.?
?What about golden urinals??
There was a long pause and then the wife heard the bartender yell: ?Hey Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy who pissed in your saxophone last night!?
*A man had spent all day drinking in a bar. By ten o?clock at night he was blind drunk but still wanted more. However he had run out of money.
?I must have another drink,? he told the bartender. ?Can?t you put it on the slate??
?You know the rules,? replied the bartender. ?No slate. But I?ll tell you what, it?s a quiet night in here and I fancy a bit of fun. So how about a deal? I?ll let you have three more drinks on the house if you perform three tasks.?
?Sure,? said the drunk. ?What do you want me to do??
?First I want you to go up to the burly bouncer on the door and knock him out cold: then I want you to pull a loose tooth belonging to Satan, the bulldog in the back room: and finally I want you to have sex with the town runaround who is sitting alone at the end of the bar.
?No problem,? said the drunk, levering himself off his stool. He staggered over to the bouncer and, taking him by surprise, felled him with a single blow. The bartender was amazed and pointed to the back room where the bulldog was waiting. The drunk lurched through the door to the back room and the bartender waited to hear the commotion. Any second, he expected to see the drunk rush out, hotly pursued by Satan. Instead, there was silence. Then after a few minutes the dog started barking.
Five minutes later, the drunk emerged with a satisfied grin. ?Right,? he said, ?now where?s the runaround with the loose tooth??
*A little man walked into a bar and slipped on a pile of dog poo by the door.
Moments later, a burly biker came in and slipped on it as well.
The little man said: ?I just did that?
And the biker hit him.
*A drunk rolled into a bar, but the bartender refused to serve him. ?You?ve had to much to drink,? he said. ?I?m not serving you.?
Five minutes later, the drunk came in again. The bartender stood firm. ?There?s no way I?m serving you more alcohol. You?ve had more than enough already.?
Five minutes later, the doors opened and the drunk lurched in once more. ?Look,? said the bartender, ?Im not serving you. You?re too drunk.?
The drunk nodded. ?I guess I must be,? he said. ?The last two places said the same thing.?
*A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband?s key in the door. ?Stay where you are,? she said. ?Hes so drunk he wont even notice you?re in bed with me.?
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife. ?Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. Whats going on??
?Nonsense,? said the wife, ?you?re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.?
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. ?One, two, three, four. You?re right, you know.?
*Quote from Dean Martin ? ?You?re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.?
*Two guys were sitting in a bar in Dublin when one turned to the other and said: ?You see that chap over there? Don?t you think he looks just like me??
The man went over to his doppelganger and said: ?Excuse me, but I couldn?t help noticing that you?re a dead ringer for me.?
?You?re right, I do look like you.?
?Where you from??
?Dublin?
?Me too?
?Which street??
?Kilfoyle Road?
?Kilfoyle Road? That?s incredible. That?s my road too. What number??
?76?
?76. I don?t believe it. Me too. What are your parents? names??
?Joe and Kitty?
?Joe and Kitty. Unbelievable, so are mine.?
Just then, the bartendrs changed shifts. ?Anything happened?? said the new bartender.
?Nothing much, ? said the old one. ?Oh, except the Murphy twins are drunk again?
<has sore fingers now!!!!!!!
*A man spent six hours in a bar before rolling home to his wife blind drunk.
?Where have you been?? she demanded.
?I?ve been to this amazing bar,? he slurred, rocking on his feet. ?Its called the Golden Saloon and everything in there is golden. At the front there are two huge golden doors, the floors are golden and even the urinals are golden.?
?What rubbish?, snapped the wife. ?I don?t believe a word of it.?
?Here,? said the husband, rummaging in his pocket for a piece of paper. ?Ring this number if you don?t believe me.?
So the following day she phoned the number on the slip of paper. ?Is this the Golden Saloon?? she asked.
?It is,? replied the bartender.
?Tell me,? said the wife, ? do you have two golden doors at the front of the building??
?Sure do,? bartender replied.
?And do you have golden floors??
?Yup.?
?What about golden urinals??
There was a long pause and then the wife heard the bartender yell: ?Hey Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy who pissed in your saxophone last night!?
*A man had spent all day drinking in a bar. By ten o?clock at night he was blind drunk but still wanted more. However he had run out of money.
?I must have another drink,? he told the bartender. ?Can?t you put it on the slate??
?You know the rules,? replied the bartender. ?No slate. But I?ll tell you what, it?s a quiet night in here and I fancy a bit of fun. So how about a deal? I?ll let you have three more drinks on the house if you perform three tasks.?
?Sure,? said the drunk. ?What do you want me to do??
?First I want you to go up to the burly bouncer on the door and knock him out cold: then I want you to pull a loose tooth belonging to Satan, the bulldog in the back room: and finally I want you to have sex with the town runaround who is sitting alone at the end of the bar.
?No problem,? said the drunk, levering himself off his stool. He staggered over to the bouncer and, taking him by surprise, felled him with a single blow. The bartender was amazed and pointed to the back room where the bulldog was waiting. The drunk lurched through the door to the back room and the bartender waited to hear the commotion. Any second, he expected to see the drunk rush out, hotly pursued by Satan. Instead, there was silence. Then after a few minutes the dog started barking.
Five minutes later, the drunk emerged with a satisfied grin. ?Right,? he said, ?now where?s the runaround with the loose tooth??
*A little man walked into a bar and slipped on a pile of dog poo by the door.
Moments later, a burly biker came in and slipped on it as well.
The little man said: ?I just did that?
And the biker hit him.
*A drunk rolled into a bar, but the bartender refused to serve him. ?You?ve had to much to drink,? he said. ?I?m not serving you.?
Five minutes later, the drunk came in again. The bartender stood firm. ?There?s no way I?m serving you more alcohol. You?ve had more than enough already.?
Five minutes later, the doors opened and the drunk lurched in once more. ?Look,? said the bartender, ?Im not serving you. You?re too drunk.?
The drunk nodded. ?I guess I must be,? he said. ?The last two places said the same thing.?
*A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband?s key in the door. ?Stay where you are,? she said. ?Hes so drunk he wont even notice you?re in bed with me.?
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife. ?Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. Whats going on??
?Nonsense,? said the wife, ?you?re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.?
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. ?One, two, three, four. You?re right, you know.?
*Quote from Dean Martin ? ?You?re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.?
*Two guys were sitting in a bar in Dublin when one turned to the other and said: ?You see that chap over there? Don?t you think he looks just like me??
The man went over to his doppelganger and said: ?Excuse me, but I couldn?t help noticing that you?re a dead ringer for me.?
?You?re right, I do look like you.?
?Where you from??
?Dublin?
?Me too?
?Which street??
?Kilfoyle Road?
?Kilfoyle Road? That?s incredible. That?s my road too. What number??
?76?
?76. I don?t believe it. Me too. What are your parents? names??
?Joe and Kitty?
?Joe and Kitty. Unbelievable, so are mine.?
Just then, the bartendrs changed shifts. ?Anything happened?? said the new bartender.
?Nothing much, ? said the old one. ?Oh, except the Murphy twins are drunk again?
<has sore fingers now!!!!!!!
