Isn't It Time For Another Joke Thread

[waynetravis]

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

 

[Got Philk?]

 

[bonocomet]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me.
I have got a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."

He decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in, and
shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table...

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
to assemble all of these pieces into anything resembling a
tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's
have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."

He sighed,

"...let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

that's great

 

[Axver]

Another plane joke ...

Five people are enjoying a charter flight: the pilot, an Australian, a New Zealander, and a mother with her son. Suddenly, the pilot loses control of the plane and it starts plummeting towards the ground.

"We're going to have to abandon the plane and jump," says the pilot urgently, "but there's a problem. There's five of us, but only four parachutes!" With that, he grabs one for himself and jumps out before the others can react. The Australian and the New Zealander quickly follow, leaving the mother and her son with just one parachute.

"You take it," the mother says, offering her son the parachute. "Save yourself!"

"No need to worry!" replies the son, and he pulls a parachute out from under his seat.

"Where the hell did you get that?" she asks.

He replies, "the Australian took my backpack!"

 

[bammo2]

What's ET short for?








Cos he's got little legs

 

[bammo2]

Two snowmen standing in a field

One says to the other, "Can you smell carrot?"

 

[bammo2]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

 

[waynetravis]

A father, mother and son stand near a sign on top of a cliff that says if they jump and wish for something they will land in it at the bottom.

The son jumps and shouts "cereal!!!" and land in a huge bowl of cereal.

The mother jumps and yells "a convertable" and lands in a new convertible.

The father looks and thinks hard what to wish for.
Instead he slips and screams "shit!!!!!"......

 

[DreamOutLoud13]

A father, mother and son stand near a sign on top of a cliff that says if they jump and wish for something they will land in it at the bottom.

The son jumps and shouts "cereal!!!" and land in a huge bowl of cereal.

The mother jumps and yells "a convertable" and lands in a new convertible.

The father looks and thinks hard what to wish for.
Instead he slips and screams "shit!!!!!"......

I heard a different version of that joke. In the one I heard, they don't jump and land in what they wish for, it just appears.
The guy yelled "Holy shit!" and a white bundle appeared at his feet.... it was the Pope's diaper.

 

[RavenBlue]

 

[DaveC]

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yup."

"Where did he go?"

"Your house."

 

[europop2005]

Two doctors meet in a bar, they flirt, talk, have drinks, and soon start to get intimate, after a little play they head back to the mans apartment. After a little foreplay they are sitting in bed recovering, the man turns to the woman and says "i bet i know what kind of doctor you are" the woman says "alright shoot" the man replies "your a plastic surgeon" shocked the woman says "thats right how did you know?" the man says "well you were great with your hands, it was easy" the woman says "alright i know what kind of doctor you are, your an anesthesiologist" suprised the man says "well thats right how did you know?" the woman looks at him and says "because i didn't feel anything"

 

[Tania]

Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet...:

"Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil basturd!

 

[Tania]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?" To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

 

[Cin]

What's ET short for?








Cos he's got little legs

 

[DaveC]

5 minute management course:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

[bonocomet]

A blonde walks into a library and goes up to the desk and says to the librarian, "I'll have a cheeseburger, a small fries and a large diet coke."
The librarian looks at her slightly annoyed and says, ""Ma'am, you do realize this is a LIBRARY."
The blonde replies, "Oh gosh I'm so sorry!" She then whispers, "I'll have a cheeseburger, a small fries and a large diet coke."

 

[Varitek]

A man gets pulled over for speeding. The cop approaches his car and asks him for his licence. The driver says "I don't have a licence, they took it away after my last DUI." The cop asks for his registration. The driver says "It's in the glove compartment, but I should warn you, I also have a gun in there, which I used to kill my wife. She's in the trunk."

The cop is a little rattled and decides to call for backup. When the sargent arrives he goes over to the driver. "Can I see your licence please." The driver gives him his licence, and the sargent is very suprised. "Have you ever had your licence revoked?" asks the sargent. The driver says no. The sargent asks for his registration and the driver reaches for his glove compartment, and the sargent says "Wait, do you have anything in there I should know about?" The driver says "No, officer, why do you ask?" The sargent says "the other officer told me you had a gun in there." The driver says "And I suppose he also told you I was speeding."

 

[Varitek]

A man is sitting down drinking a bottle of Evian. His friend says to him, "Do you ever wonder why people spend $2 on a bottle of water?" "No" says the drinker. "Try spelling Evian backwards."

(I like this one because I don't get the bottled water craze.)

 

[Varitek]

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear. "And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.

Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... You don't."

Millie accompanied her husband Maurice to the doctor's office.
After he had given Maurice a full checkup, the doctor called Millie into his office, alone. He said, "Maurice is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, wake him up gently with a long and passionate kiss, then fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times and make sure he is always in a good mood. Cook him only his favourite meals, lunch and dinner and allow him to fully relax after each. Don't burden him with any chores and don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. Don’t argue with him, even if he criticises you or makes fun of you. Let him be as arrogant as he wants to be. Try to relax him in the evening by wearing see-through lingerie. Give him plenty of ‘full relief’ body massages. Encourage him to watch all the sport he can on the TV, even if it means missing your favourite programs. And most importantly, make full and passionate love with Maurice every evening after dinner and satisfy his every whim. I suggest you also make oral love to him mid morning and mid afternoon.
If you can do all of this, every day, for the next 6 months, I think Maurice will regain his health completely."
On the way home, Maurice asks Millie: "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.

 

[Axver]

A son asks his father the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'. "That's hard," says the father. "I have an idea, though. Ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for a million bucks."

His mother says she would, and the son relays the answer back to his father. "Alright," says the father, "this time, ask your sister if she'll sleep with the newspaper man for two million bucks." She too says she would, and the son relays the answer back to his father.

"Well, there you go son," says the father, "that's your answer. Theoretically, we're sitting on three million bucks, but realistically, we're living with two sluts."