got a question? ask the agony ant!

The friendliest place on the web for anyone that follows U2.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.

Flag Pole Pear

Bordering Purgatory
Joined
Jan 6, 2001
Messages
794
anything and everything, the agony ant "alive on six legs" is happy to provide answers for you!

for example

"Abridged in Alberta" writes: "Dear Agony Ant, what should I do about my bad, bad dog? He's such a fucking bad dog, he speaks satanic messages into my brain when I'm not looking. He barks at me, but when played backwards he's really saying 'woorrship satan, worrrship satan, worrrrshipp satan...' It's driven me just as crazy as a shithouse rat! My wife won't listen to me, she thinks I'm making it all up. That's why I am going to have to kill her...'

Dear Abridged in Alberta, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. In the meantime, keep smiling and waving. Satan does not live in your dog. Remember that. I know where Satan lives, and trust me, it's not your dog. Also, your name is a travesty.

Until next week, this is your Agony Ant, alive on six legs.

---

you got questions? you know where to get the answers!
 
Dear Agony Ant,

I am having problems with my toaster. When I tried to access the information super highway, I took the wrong exit and found myself in an Elmer's Craft Bond factory in Columbus, Ohio. As you know, Ohio is the home of mass-produced pigmy marmosets and the world's largest prime meridian. As a citizen of Micronesia, I was outraged by the actions of Stanley Bowman on March 6, 1972 during the Great Ketchup Riots in Lemvig, Denmark which resulted in the creation of the nation-states of Cyprus and Turkmenistan. Only in Denmark could such a thing happen! I am asking for your assistance in finding the most humane and superficial way to address the needs of the giant hipster pandas of northern Peru who have been persecuted by the Coucous Farmers Alliance. Should I pre-heat my postage stamp to 4:16pm EST or join the teaming masses of posthumous mathematicians? Your attention to this matter is greatly appreciated.

--Enchanted in St. John County
 
Last edited:
wow, thats about 1000000 billion times better of a quetion than i was expecting.

i hope the agony ant will reply soon.
 
Ask not what the Agony Ant can do for you, but what you can do for the Agony Ant.
 
Dear Agony Ant:

Lady Godiva syndrome has befallen me... now I am tempted to ride bareback through my campus. The mode of transport is my querie... is it stead or steel horse?

Bad, Bad Alberta Dawg
 
Last edited:
Zedbetty said:
Ask not what the Agony Ant can do for you, but what you can do for the Agony Ant.

wise words from a wise man.

did you know this thread was originally deleted as soon as it was posted? im glad you got to see it, dear ant.

~disturbed soylent green
 
ya, at least they gave a good reason for closing it. not only did they NOT lock it, they deleted it.

makes sense to me. :up:
 
Dear Agony Ant,

Today I received an email from a dear friend that consisted only of the word "boobies" spelled in a variety of ways. Should I be concerned?

-Amused Nonetheless in Michigan
 
Bear, you should know that the old delete-the-thread trick is the oldest one in the book. They want you to doubt yourself, perchance even to wonder if you might be losing your mind, if you really posted a thread at all or just... dreamed it?
 
Dear Agony Ant,
My question is this; When my intended (the man, to whom this question does, after all, pretain) was heard to remark that he was "feeling aquiesent" and then threw my seven layered pomerancovy s hrushka torte out the window of our fabulous (yet sedately decorated) penthouse did he indeed do so to signal that he was (as I have often though) naught but a mandril in a cleverly fashioned pair of spats?
Or is it more complex than that?
I am plagued (plagued I say) by visions that he is flaring eye spots that I was previously unaware he possesed (due to the fact that it has never been a hunch of mine that he in any species of butterfly or moth) and hurling confection after heavily sugared confection at my face while wagging his hips an chanting "the snake is not your own."
Should I go through with the wedding considering?
Yours,
Transcendental in Tokyo
 
Last edited:
Dear Transparency in Tokyo, your letter makes absolutely no sense. I think the gentleman wants you. Thank you.

Yours until next week, the Agony Ant (alive on six legs).
 
Dear Transcendental in Tokyo

Your beau seems more like a baboon than a mandrill... maybe he is possessive of his snake and his material items. If you invade his territory he will throw stuff as you say, even if he initially accepts his disposition... solution: superglue your belongings to the floor... oh what a big red ass he will soon become when he tries to heave things again. I hope things work out in your favor.

Raggedy Rant (filling in for Agony Ant since he seems to be out to lunch)...

invading threads since 2002
 
Dear Agony Ant,

I am having problems with my toaster. When I tried to access the information super highway, I took the wrong exit and found myself in an Elmer's Craft Bond factory in Columbus, Ohio. As you know, Ohio is the home of mass-produced pigmy marmosets and the world's largest prime meridian. As a citizen of Micronesia, I was outraged by the actions of Stanley Bowman on March 6, 1972 during the Great Ketchup Riots in Lemvig, Denmark which resulted in the creation of the nation-states of Cyprus and Turkmenistan. Only in Denmark could such a thing happen! I am asking for your assistance in finding the most humane and superficial way to address the needs of the giant hipster pandas of northern Peru who have been persecuted by the Coucous Farmers Alliance. Should I pre-heat my postage stamp to 4:16pm EST or join the teaming masses of posthumous mathematicians? Your attention to this matter is greatly appreciated.

--Enchanted in St. John County

-------------------------------------------------

Dear Enhanced in St. John County, I believe this is a conspiracy. Your toaster is beaming mindwaves into cyberspace, thus altering the time-space continuum so as to throw you off the scent. This ties in with the Dutch Tulip Epidemic of 1973, which also caused mass combustion of toaster oven appliances, thus dramatically slashing the value of postage stamps and causing the irreversible collapse of the Peruvian economy.

I trust this is of assistance.

Until next week, this is your Agony Ant, alive on six legs.
 
PS, 'raggedy rant', the Agony Ant never sleeps. We see all and hear all, from our mountain aerie. Glitter Grrrrrrl.
 
Zedbetty said:
PS, 'raggedy rant', the Agony Ant never sleeps. We see all and hear all, from our mountain aerie. Glitter Grrrrrrl.

:up:

Good to see... I am an inadequate putz.
 
Dear Fraudulent Frazzle in Antartakkkka: No, you do not smell. That leaves only about ten million other possible reasons as to why 'he' may be avoiding you, including the possibility that 'he' is not actually 'avoiding' you. As this is a blackly humourous although vicious advice column, I do not feel qualified to say any more.

Until next week, this is the Agony Ant, alive and squealing gucci little piggy (god loves his children yeah).
 
Agony Ant, what have you got against horses? How do they mark time? Answer me or I'll ransom your pet rock! :mad:

And go to bed, its late.

Weirdo in Western Suburbs

:grumpy:
 
Dear Westie in Woolamaloo: I have nothing against horses. Horses are delightful creatures. They run and frolic, and run... and, er, frolic. Delightful. Horses mark time by the sun. The sun beams messages into their brains, telling them the time at any given moment. For this reason, horses are never late. Except for the Fabulous Mr Ed, and we all know what was in his nosebag, don't we?

Until next week, this is your Agony Ant, alive and crawling on six legs while bleeding from every orifice.
 
Ok, Ant, i'm not really drunk and confused from sydney, I'm a freelance correspondant. My real problem is, I think I have Clarice Syndrome. I am reporting an internation crime ring, run by a man known as Big Ronnie.

I have fallen in love with him and want to have his friends for lunch. I hate fava beans though. What can I cook for them?

Yours,
Destitute in Esk
 
agony ant,

we appreciate what you do for us.

now,

what can we do for you?

~alive in altona
 
you stole my question, soon to be dead in altona:mad:

dear agony ant,

how can i punish the thief without hailing?

mad in michigan
 
Stories for Boys said:
you stole my question, soon to be dead in altona:mad:

dear agony ant,

how can i punish the thief without hailing?

mad in michigan

clever!

*applause

:wink:
 
Back
Top Bottom