OP
OP
RedRocksU2
Blue Crack Addict
U2vertigofly said:
i thought it was going to be annual
Ok, should I cancel it?
First Annual Blue Crack Joke Contest!
- Thread starter RedRocksU2
- Start date
The friendliest place on the web for anyone that follows U2.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
Ok, should I cancel it?
U2vertigofly
ONE love, blood, life
RedrocksU2 said:
i was just messing around with you, by all means please keep it going. i love reading the jokes
fah
Blue Crack Addict
RedrocksU2 said:Ok, let's do this again.
Only this time the current champ will select the winner!
GO!
Carek1230
Blue Crack Overdose Get me off the internetz!
Yesssssssss I love reading and laffing at the jokes! Bring more on people, hurry! 
And thanks, Carlos for your generosity donating the itunes coupons! That was really nice of you!
fah
Blue Crack Addict
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
waynetravis
Blue Crack Supplier
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started
her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
--
The woman and her lover were mixing it up in bed when the woman heard a car door. She told her lover, "my husband's home. quick, stand in the corner". He did as she asked and she covered him with baby oil and then sprinkled talcum powder all over him till he looked like a statue. She told," whatever you do, don't move". The husband came into the room, looked at the "statue" and said, "what's that"? She siad, "oh, I liked that statue the Smiths got so much, I bought one myself". The husband said nothing more and it went that way for the rest of the evening. Later, after he and his wife went to bed, he got up, went down stairs and came back with a sandwhich and milk.
He said to the statue, " here you may as well have this, I spent two days at the Smiths standing like this and they didn't offer me a damn thing".
her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
--
The woman and her lover were mixing it up in bed when the woman heard a car door. She told her lover, "my husband's home. quick, stand in the corner". He did as she asked and she covered him with baby oil and then sprinkled talcum powder all over him till he looked like a statue. She told," whatever you do, don't move". The husband came into the room, looked at the "statue" and said, "what's that"? She siad, "oh, I liked that statue the Smiths got so much, I bought one myself". The husband said nothing more and it went that way for the rest of the evening. Later, after he and his wife went to bed, he got up, went down stairs and came back with a sandwhich and milk.
He said to the statue, " here you may as well have this, I spent two days at the Smiths standing like this and they didn't offer me a damn thing".
Last edited:
A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past.
The lizard looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rainforest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you !"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Fuuuuuck, dude ......... how much water did you drink ??!"
The lizard looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rainforest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you !"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Fuuuuuck, dude ......... how much water did you drink ??!"
OP
OP
RedRocksU2
Blue Crack Addict
Ok...I got one...I heard it last night at a party.
What the last think that goes thru an insect's mind when it hits the windshield of a car?
His asshole.
Carry on.
What the last think that goes thru an insect's mind when it hits the windshield of a car?
His asshole.
Carry on.
waynetravis
Blue Crack Supplier
^ 
i get really nervous sometimes i bite my nails and its killing my teeth,
i should take my shoes off really
i get really nervous sometimes i bite my nails and its killing my teeth,
i should take my shoes off really
ADecentMelody
War Child
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to
God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?," God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me
with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, but I'm just
not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?," comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food
and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a
'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and
beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that
she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so
sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make
you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She
will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be a
perfect companion for you," replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great, Lord."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me, Lord?," Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and
your left testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and
concern on his face. Finally, Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get
for a rib?"
God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?," God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me
with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, but I'm just
not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?," comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food
and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a
'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and
beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that
she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so
sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make
you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She
will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be a
perfect companion for you," replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great, Lord."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me, Lord?," Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and
your left testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and
concern on his face. Finally, Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get
for a rib?"
Thora
Blue Crack Supplier
I hope this isn't too inappropriate, but it was too funny.
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all been working in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P. F. N.) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. You can also use that moment to noisily procure a handful of toilet paper.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all been working in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P. F. N.) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. You can also use that moment to noisily procure a handful of toilet paper.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Thora
Blue Crack Supplier
Just minutes before the church services started the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied,"Yap, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?"
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years."
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied,"Yap, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?"
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years."
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you alright?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you alright?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."
OP
OP
RedRocksU2
Blue Crack Addict
6 Foot Asshole
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday(10 miles over
the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop
with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop
pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,
"What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger,
then work my way up to two fingers, then three,
then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then
I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about
6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot
asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face............... PRICELESS
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday(10 miles over
the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop
with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop
pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,
"What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger,
then work my way up to two fingers, then three,
then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then
I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about
6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot
asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face............... PRICELESS
BonosBaby12
ONE love, blood, life
RR that joke itself was priceless! Should send it to my cop brother 
bonocomet
Blue Crack Distributor
Why did the mushroom always get invited to all the best parties?
Because he was a fungi.
Because he was a fungi.
bono_212
Blue Crack Distributor
My cousin told me this one a few years ago, cause I love Forrest Gump so much
The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd! be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ..."
"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this,and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."
The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd! be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ..."
"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this,and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."
bono_212
Blue Crack Distributor
There are two blonde jokes I really like, but I can't tell the first one because you'd need visuals...maybe I'll record myself and put it on Youtube
But the other one
A blonde goes into Sears and tells the man working there that she would like to buy the dish washer sitting over there. The man says, "I'm sorry miss, I can't sell that to you."
The blonde leaves very angry because she believes that he only refused to sell it to her because she was a blonde.
The next day she goes to Sears, but has died her hair brunette. Again the same man is working, and again she asks to buy the Dishwasher. The man says, "I know you're the blonde, and I still can't sell this to you."
The blonde leaves even angrier than she was the day before.
The next day she returns, this time dying her hair black. Yet again the same man is working, and yet again she asks to buy the dishwasher. The man says, "Look, I still see that you're the blonde, and I still can't sell you this." The blonde finally losses her temper, and says, "Listen, just because I'm a blonde, doesn't mean I'm stupid, I can use a dishwasher, now would you please sell it to me." Finally the man says, " Listen lady, I can't sell you the dishwasher, because THIS is a microwave."
ok the joke's kinda dumb, but I like it
But the other one
A blonde goes into Sears and tells the man working there that she would like to buy the dish washer sitting over there. The man says, "I'm sorry miss, I can't sell that to you."
The blonde leaves very angry because she believes that he only refused to sell it to her because she was a blonde.
The next day she goes to Sears, but has died her hair brunette. Again the same man is working, and again she asks to buy the Dishwasher. The man says, "I know you're the blonde, and I still can't sell this to you."
The blonde leaves even angrier than she was the day before.
The next day she returns, this time dying her hair black. Yet again the same man is working, and yet again she asks to buy the dishwasher. The man says, "Look, I still see that you're the blonde, and I still can't sell you this." The blonde finally losses her temper, and says, "Listen, just because I'm a blonde, doesn't mean I'm stupid, I can use a dishwasher, now would you please sell it to me." Finally the man says, " Listen lady, I can't sell you the dishwasher, because THIS is a microwave."
ok the joke's kinda dumb, but I like it
bonocomet
Blue Crack Distributor
A blonde walks up to the counter in a library and says "I'd like to order a cheeseburger, large fries, and a coke please." The very puzzled librarian says to her, "I'm sorry miss but this is a library."
"OH! I'm so sorry!" says the blonde. And she whispers ... "I'll have a cheeseburger, large fries, and a coke please."
"OH! I'm so sorry!" says the blonde. And she whispers ... "I'll have a cheeseburger, large fries, and a coke please."
fah
Blue Crack Addict
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour,
surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles
black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that
he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown,
holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and
moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour,
surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles
black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that
he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown,
holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and
moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
UberBeaver
Breakdancing Soul Pilgrim
So this penguin is driving and all of the sudden, BAM, car breaks down. He is able to drive it to a repair shop and the mechanic says he'll take a look, but it will probably be a while. So the penguins, like, "Whatever. I'll wait."
So wait he does.
After a couple of hours he tells the mechanic he's going to take a walk as he's getting hungry as well as stir crazy. The mechanic says, "OK, sounds good. I'll take a look at your car while you do that. By the time you get back, we should know what's what." The penguins like, "Cool," and he starts walking.
After a few minutes of walking, the penguin comes upon an ice cream shop, and he's psyched, cause he loves ice cream. I mean, he's a penguin, of course he loves ice cream. So he orders a large vanilla cone and starts walking back to the mechanic.
Now penguins don't have thumbs, so eating an ice cream cone is a messy affair. By the time the penguin gets back to the mechanic he's got ice cream all over is face and hands, dripping off him. He's a mess.
The mechanic is just finishing up checking out the penguins car and he turns to the penguin as he's walking up and says, "Hey buddy, looks like you blew a seal."
And the penguin says, "Oh, no. That's just ice cream."
So wait he does.
After a couple of hours he tells the mechanic he's going to take a walk as he's getting hungry as well as stir crazy. The mechanic says, "OK, sounds good. I'll take a look at your car while you do that. By the time you get back, we should know what's what." The penguins like, "Cool," and he starts walking.
After a few minutes of walking, the penguin comes upon an ice cream shop, and he's psyched, cause he loves ice cream. I mean, he's a penguin, of course he loves ice cream. So he orders a large vanilla cone and starts walking back to the mechanic.
Now penguins don't have thumbs, so eating an ice cream cone is a messy affair. By the time the penguin gets back to the mechanic he's got ice cream all over is face and hands, dripping off him. He's a mess.
The mechanic is just finishing up checking out the penguins car and he turns to the penguin as he's walking up and says, "Hey buddy, looks like you blew a seal."
And the penguin says, "Oh, no. That's just ice cream."
UberBeaver
Breakdancing Soul Pilgrim
Tania said:
HAHAHA. Good one.
Lila64
Blue Crack Distributor
Tania said:
I liked yours too ThoraSEB
Keep the laughs coming everyone
hiphop
Rock n' Roll Doggie ALL ACCESS
Tania said:
Winner!
namkcuR
ONE love, blood, life
A man owns a Rottweiler. An old woman lives next door to him, and she owns a rabbit.
One day, the man catches his Rottweiler jumping over the fence into the old woman's backyard. The man chases after the dog, running around the fence and through the gate into the old woman's backyard. He gets into the yard and sees the dog - who all the while is 'wuff-wuff'-ing and growling - sitting still on the ground underneath a tree pawing at said ground, and there are obviously small piles of dirt around the dog now as a result, almost as if the dog were digging for something. As the man gets closer to the dog, he sees that rather than just pawing at the ground, the dog is pawing at another animal. As the man gets closer still, he sees the other animal is indeed the old woman's rabbit, bloody from the dog's attack. As he kneels down to check the rabbit, the man realizes to his horror that his dog has killed the old woman's rabbit and was instinctively trying to cover it up.
Seeing the old woman's car is gone and realizing that she's not home, the man frantically picks up the dead rabbit, gets his dog on his feet, and runs both of them back to his own house. He washes the blood off the rabbit, dries it off, locks the dog inside, and runs back to the old woman's house. The door is unlocked, so he goes inside, finds the rabbit's cage, and puts the rabbit in. He quickly returns to his own house, not knowing what to expect. Would the old woman ever know that he or his dog were involved?
Several hours later, the man heards a very loud, piercing scream coming from the old woman's house. The man hurries over to her house, thinking that showing concern might pre-emptively rid her of any suspicion regarding him. He knocks on her door. Seconds later, the door opens and the old woman is standing there, shaking, looking positively terrified.
"What's wrong?! I heard you screaming, is everything ok?!", the man asks, obvious concern in his voice.
"No, everything is not ok," she replies, wiping a tear off her face, "My rabbit died yesterday night, and I buried her in my backyard this morning before I went out, but now I just got home, and somehow she's back in her cage!"
One day, the man catches his Rottweiler jumping over the fence into the old woman's backyard. The man chases after the dog, running around the fence and through the gate into the old woman's backyard. He gets into the yard and sees the dog - who all the while is 'wuff-wuff'-ing and growling - sitting still on the ground underneath a tree pawing at said ground, and there are obviously small piles of dirt around the dog now as a result, almost as if the dog were digging for something. As the man gets closer to the dog, he sees that rather than just pawing at the ground, the dog is pawing at another animal. As the man gets closer still, he sees the other animal is indeed the old woman's rabbit, bloody from the dog's attack. As he kneels down to check the rabbit, the man realizes to his horror that his dog has killed the old woman's rabbit and was instinctively trying to cover it up.
Seeing the old woman's car is gone and realizing that she's not home, the man frantically picks up the dead rabbit, gets his dog on his feet, and runs both of them back to his own house. He washes the blood off the rabbit, dries it off, locks the dog inside, and runs back to the old woman's house. The door is unlocked, so he goes inside, finds the rabbit's cage, and puts the rabbit in. He quickly returns to his own house, not knowing what to expect. Would the old woman ever know that he or his dog were involved?
Several hours later, the man heards a very loud, piercing scream coming from the old woman's house. The man hurries over to her house, thinking that showing concern might pre-emptively rid her of any suspicion regarding him. He knocks on her door. Seconds later, the door opens and the old woman is standing there, shaking, looking positively terrified.
"What's wrong?! I heard you screaming, is everything ok?!", the man asks, obvious concern in his voice.
"No, everything is not ok," she replies, wiping a tear off her face, "My rabbit died yesterday night, and I buried her in my backyard this morning before I went out, but now I just got home, and somehow she's back in her cage!"
DreamOutLoud13
Blue Crack Addict
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Lila64
Blue Crack Distributor
Thora
Blue Crack Supplier
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
mandy1973
Refugee
I know the competition has ended, but i just got sent this joke and had to share
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in Hell. "No!" George shouted. "I don't think so. I am not a good swimmer. And I don't think I could do that all day long".
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, over and over, time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was breaks rocks all day."
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton Lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica. You're free to go!"
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in Hell. "No!" George shouted. "I don't think so. I am not a good swimmer. And I don't think I could do that all day long".
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, over and over, time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was breaks rocks all day."
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton Lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica. You're free to go!"
Last edited:
OP
OP
RedRocksU2
Blue Crack Addict
The competition has been renewed......
Fah will select the new winner.
Fah will select the new winner.
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