bonocomet
Blue Crack Distributor
Why are there no good restaraunts on the moon?
No atmosphere.
No atmosphere.
First Annual Blue Crack Joke Contest!
- Thread starter RedRocksU2
- Start date
The friendliest place on the web for anyone that follows U2.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
Carek1230
Blue Crack Overdose Get me off the internetz!
RedrocksU2 said:
Good ones!
OK, I need a winner!
Please post one choice as the winner of the 30 iTune downloads!
I already posted my top 3 picks, scroll back and take #1. That's my vote. OR........if you really need to offload that iTunes certificate you can send it to me!
Lila64
Blue Crack Distributor
no offense to anyone, since some posted more jokes than others, and all were 
(well most 
)
I can't decide! It's between fah, trevster2k, and Tania for me
(well most )I can't decide! It's between fah, trevster2k, and Tania for me
Carek1230
Blue Crack Overdose Get me off the internetz!
^I know what you mean Lila. It was difficult for me to choose because most were LMAO funny. I sent them on to some friends and awaited their reactions and went with a general consensus kind of vote. This has been fun though 
MrsSpringsteen
Blue Crack Addict
BUSH AT THE PEARLY GATES
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
CLINTON, GORE, AND BUSH FACE FIRING SQUAD
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
CLINTON, GORE, AND BUSH FACE FIRING SQUAD
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"
fah
Blue Crack Addict
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house , never had to cook, had sex with whomever she pleased....did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many boyfriends, saved more money, had all the hot water to herself, never had pubic hairs under the toilet seat lid, watched girlie movies, never had football on, never wore fricken lacey lingerie that went up your ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked good in sweat pants and shirt, and burped, swore, & farted all the time.
THE END
The girl said, "NO!"
And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house , never had to cook, had sex with whomever she pleased....did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many boyfriends, saved more money, had all the hot water to herself, never had pubic hairs under the toilet seat lid, watched girlie movies, never had football on, never wore fricken lacey lingerie that went up your ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked good in sweat pants and shirt, and burped, swore, & farted all the time.
THE END
MrsSpringsteen
Blue Crack Addict
I like that one fah
Lila64
Blue Crack Distributor
liked them both fah & MrsSpringsteen
Thora
Blue Crack Supplier
Fah, I got that one in an email this week!
OP
OP
RedRocksU2
Blue Crack Addict
Drum roll please...........................!
OP
OP
RedRocksU2
Blue Crack Addict
The winner of the First Annual Blue Crack Joke Contest! is..................
FAH!
Congratulations!
Your 30 iTunes certificate will be in you PM box shortly!
Thanks to all that participated!
FAH!
Congratulations!
Your 30 iTunes certificate will be in you PM box shortly!
Thanks to all that participated!
Carek1230
Blue Crack Overdose Get me off the internetz!
way to go, fah!
Lila64
Blue Crack Distributor
Thora
Blue Crack Supplier
Congrats fah! Enjoy!
jesseu2
Refugee
two jokes for you...
my Aunt told me this...
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wrapped in nothing but cellophane wrap.
Psychiatrist says: "I can clearly see your/you're nuts!"
_____
another joke i found for a chicano class a year ago...
Albert O. Martinez - Chicano Power
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Chicano were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager" he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand."
The Chicano felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as "impressive".
So he stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him oddly.
The Chicano finally said..........," Valgame Dios, will you look at that? I'm getting a fax."
Chicano Power
my Aunt told me this...
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wrapped in nothing but cellophane wrap.
Psychiatrist says: "I can clearly see your/you're nuts!"
_____
another joke i found for a chicano class a year ago...
Albert O. Martinez - Chicano Power
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Chicano were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager" he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand."
The Chicano felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as "impressive".
So he stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him oddly.
The Chicano finally said..........," Valgame Dios, will you look at that? I'm getting a fax."
Chicano Power
jesseu2
Refugee
oh its over, crap! well enjoy the jokes
jesseu2
Refugee
ah heck, one more.........
___________
President George Bush and Vice President Cheney are enjoying lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant.
The waitress approaches their table to take their order. She is young and very attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad. "Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what would you like, Mr. President?"
Bush smiled at the waitress and responded, "How about a quickie?"
Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were bringing in a new administration that was committed to high principles and
morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff. The President was shocked and sat in stunned silence.
Cheney leaned across the table and in a quiet voice said to the stunned president, "Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced quiche".
___________
President George Bush and Vice President Cheney are enjoying lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant.
The waitress approaches their table to take their order. She is young and very attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad. "Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what would you like, Mr. President?"
Bush smiled at the waitress and responded, "How about a quickie?"
Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were bringing in a new administration that was committed to high principles and
morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff. The President was shocked and sat in stunned silence.
Cheney leaned across the table and in a quiet voice said to the stunned president, "Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced quiche".
Last edited:
fah
Blue Crack Addict
RedrocksU2 said:The winner of the First Annual Blue Crack Joke Contest! is..................
FAH!
Congratulations!
Your 30 iTunes certificate will be in you PM box shortly!
Thanks to all that participated!
I'd like to thank the Academy and of course leave you with another joke....
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize
the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings
when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING"
phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information
can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive
go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting b__ch.
3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f______ way.
5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh__ing me!
6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f______ problem.
8) TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.
10! ) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the h___ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with
the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the h___ died and made you boss?
18 ) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
OP
OP
RedRocksU2
Blue Crack Addict
jesseu2 said:
I do have one more certificate......
bonocomet
Blue Crack Distributor
Can we tell another joke? 
No more fly or fish jokes... promise.
No more fly or fish jokes... promise.
jesseu2
Refugee
RedrocksU2 said:
I do have one more certificate......
really?
Eliv8
Refugee
Stil a fave ...
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, it tells me!" he says. "Someone has stolen our fucking tent!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, it tells me!" he says. "Someone has stolen our fucking tent!"
Thora
Blue Crack Supplier
RedrocksU2 said:
I do have one more certificate......
Must think of more jokes... 
toscano
Refugee
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2005
- Messages
- 2,032
An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are totally destroyed.
In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes into the boot of his mangled car and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, who says:
MAY THE SCOTS AND THE ENGliSH LIVE TOGETHER FOREVER, IN PEACE AND HARMONY.
The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.
Still stunned at the Scotsman's generousity, he goes to hand the bottle back. The Scotsman replies:
NO THANKS, I'LL JUST WAIT UNTIL THE POLICE GET HERE.
There was a Scotsman, an Englishman and a woman sitting together in a carriage on a train. The train went through a tunnel and as there were no lights in the carriages, it went completely dark.
Suddenly there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, the woman and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face, rubbing a bright red hand mark.
The Englishman thought to himself:
THAT SCOTS GUY MUST HAVE KISSED THAT WOMAN AND SHE MISSED HIM AND SLAPPED ME INSTEAD.
The woman thought:
THAT ENGliSHMAN MUST HAVE TRIED TO KISS ME AND ACCIDENTLY KISSED THE SCOTSMAN AND GOT SLAPPED FOR IT.
And the Scotsman said to himself:
THIS IS GREAT. THE NEXT TIME WE GO THROUGH A TUNNEL I'M GONNAE MAKE ANOTHER KISSING NOISE AND SLAP THAT ENGliSH BASTARD AGAIN.
Three Scotsmen and three Englishmen are about to travel on the train to Wembley. At the station, the three Englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.
HOW ARE THREE PEOPLE GOING TO TRAVEL ON ONLY ONE TICKET? asked one of the Englishmen
WATCH AND YOU'LL SEE ! was the Scots reply.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three Scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says,
TICKET, PLEASE.
The door opens just enough for a single arm to emerge with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Englishmen saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the match, they decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO TRAVEL WITHOUT A TICKET?
WATCH AND YOU'LL SEE.
When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into the toilet directly opposite.
Shortly after the train departs, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,
TICKET, PLEASE.
In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes into the boot of his mangled car and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, who says:
MAY THE SCOTS AND THE ENGliSH LIVE TOGETHER FOREVER, IN PEACE AND HARMONY.
The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.
Still stunned at the Scotsman's generousity, he goes to hand the bottle back. The Scotsman replies:
NO THANKS, I'LL JUST WAIT UNTIL THE POLICE GET HERE.
There was a Scotsman, an Englishman and a woman sitting together in a carriage on a train. The train went through a tunnel and as there were no lights in the carriages, it went completely dark.
Suddenly there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, the woman and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face, rubbing a bright red hand mark.
The Englishman thought to himself:
THAT SCOTS GUY MUST HAVE KISSED THAT WOMAN AND SHE MISSED HIM AND SLAPPED ME INSTEAD.
The woman thought:
THAT ENGliSHMAN MUST HAVE TRIED TO KISS ME AND ACCIDENTLY KISSED THE SCOTSMAN AND GOT SLAPPED FOR IT.
And the Scotsman said to himself:
THIS IS GREAT. THE NEXT TIME WE GO THROUGH A TUNNEL I'M GONNAE MAKE ANOTHER KISSING NOISE AND SLAP THAT ENGliSH BASTARD AGAIN.
Three Scotsmen and three Englishmen are about to travel on the train to Wembley. At the station, the three Englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.
HOW ARE THREE PEOPLE GOING TO TRAVEL ON ONLY ONE TICKET? asked one of the Englishmen
WATCH AND YOU'LL SEE ! was the Scots reply.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three Scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says,
TICKET, PLEASE.
The door opens just enough for a single arm to emerge with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Englishmen saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the match, they decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO TRAVEL WITHOUT A TICKET?
WATCH AND YOU'LL SEE.
When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into the toilet directly opposite.
Shortly after the train departs, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,
TICKET, PLEASE.
trevster2k
Rock n' Roll Doggie Band-aid
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2001
- Messages
- 4,330
Congrats fah!!!!
bonocomet
Blue Crack Distributor
A 65 year old couple are dining out for their 40th wedding anniversary when a fairy appears and tells them that she will grant them each a wish as a reward for being such a fine example of a happily married couple. She asks the wife 1st what she wishes for and the wife replied, "I would like to go on a beautiful vacation to a tropical island with my dear husband where we have no worries and can enjoy a fun relaxing holiday." She then asks the husband for his wish. The husband replies "I'm sorry honey but chances like this don't come around very often, so I wish to take that vacation with a woman who is 30 years younger than I am." The wife is saddened by this and the fairy disappointed, but she says "Is that what you truly wish for then?" "Yes yes!" he repies." So the fairy appologizes to the wife and waves her wand and POOF! The husband is 95 years old.
The moral to the story is men are jerks and fairies are women.
The moral to the story is men are jerks and fairies are women.
OP
OP
RedRocksU2
Blue Crack Addict
Ok, let's do this again.
Only this time the current champ will select the winner!
GO!
Only this time the current champ will select the winner!
GO!
U2vertigofly
ONE love, blood, life
RedrocksU2 said:Ok, let's do this again.
Only this time the current champ will select the winner!
GO!
i thought it was going to be annual
and i'm thinking about one
yertle-the-turtle
ONE love, blood, life
The Pope was on a lovely visit to Singapore a few years back. He was being carted around in a limousine and found the experience exhilarating, to say the least. So he asked the bloke who was driving the limo whether he could have a go at the wheel.
"Of course not, Your Holiness."
"Oh come on."
And so this badgering went on until the chauffeur finally resented. The Pope was really enjoying himself, and kept going faster and faster until one traffic policeman stopped him.
"Excuse me sir..."
With this the policeman stopped dead in his tracks. "Excuse me, sir, I think I'll need to call the headquarters."
Policeman: Sir, I've just pulled over a very importat person for speeding.
Senior Policeman: Well, who is it? It's not the Home Affairs Minister again, now, is it?
Policeman: No, someone even more important.
Senior Policeman: My goodness, the Prime Minister? How...
Policeman: No, even more important!
Senior Policeman: It's the President! I knew....
Policeman: No!
Senior Policeman: Well who the hell is it then?
Policeman: I don't know...but he must be pretty damned important if he's got the Pope as his chauffeur!
"Of course not, Your Holiness."
"Oh come on."
And so this badgering went on until the chauffeur finally resented. The Pope was really enjoying himself, and kept going faster and faster until one traffic policeman stopped him.
"Excuse me sir..."
With this the policeman stopped dead in his tracks. "Excuse me, sir, I think I'll need to call the headquarters."
Policeman: Sir, I've just pulled over a very importat person for speeding.
Senior Policeman: Well, who is it? It's not the Home Affairs Minister again, now, is it?
Policeman: No, someone even more important.
Senior Policeman: My goodness, the Prime Minister? How...
Policeman: No, even more important!
Senior Policeman: It's the President! I knew....
Policeman: No!
Senior Policeman: Well who the hell is it then?
Policeman: I don't know...but he must be pretty damned important if he's got the Pope as his chauffeur!
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